


Of Three Times Lily Evans Changed Her Mind about James Potter

by JustGail



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Marauders' Era, OCs - Freeform, Slow Burn, a ridiculous amount of characters, fifth year to seventh year
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:13:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 91,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4781861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustGail/pseuds/JustGail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't supposed to end the way it did. And we all know exactly how it ended. Had things been different, they would have lived a long, happy life together, with three children and a cat. But had things been different, they might have never fallen in love in the first place. Or maybe they would have.<br/>Jily fic. Rated M for much later chapters and for mature themes. I own nothing.<br/>Based (very partially) on another fic: The Life and Times by Jewels 5.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I am reposting this fic from ff.net. This, for two reasons: 1. I'd like to reach a wider audience and 2. I have friends who refuse to read it on ff.net.  
> However, as I have been working on this fic since April 2013 (and writing these words September 2015), the writing style improves in later chapters. I will not apologize for the badness of earlier chapters because one of the main reasons I started working on it in the first place was in order to practice writing long-term.  
> That said, it really does improve.  
> I own nothing except my words and OCs  
> enjoy

Prologue

_Or_

Of Choices and Teddy Bears

 

It wasn’t supposed to end the way it did. And we all know exactly how it ended.

Had things been different, they would have lived a long, happy life together, with three children and a cat. But had things been different, they might have never fallen in love in the first place. Or maybe they would have. Maybe, because he was James Potter and she was Lily Evans and they were both proud and stubborn, maybe they had to fall in love, no matter what. Maybe it was destiny, but then again, neither of them believed in destiny. Their story is one of ups and downs, and fighting and screaming and an actual kiss in the rain, and love. And it is one of choice.

You could say that their story started the day they got on that first train together, or the day that Lily met who would end up being her best friend, or even the day they were born, but they would disagree. Lily Evans and James Potter will probably tell you it all started with a choice that involved a teddy bear.

More specifically, a pink teddy bear, named Melody.


	2. Of Melody and Her Three Thieves

Chapter 1

_Or_

Of Melody and Her Three Thieves

 

Her first memory was of her sister.

Petunia had stolen her least favorite stuffed animal – a pink bear christened Melody – thinking that Lily wouldn’t even notice. But three year old Lily was just as observant as sixteen year old Lily, and noticed within the hour that one of her many stuffed animals was missing. Lily then stormed across the hall, with all her toddler might, and screamed at Petunia to return Melody at once. The incident was a sight to behold, and for many years after, her parents used to tease her about it. She _did_ get her stuffed bear back, though.

Lily liked to think about that little quarrel. Despite the fighting, Petunia and she were _sisters_ back then. They made up and went back to being best friends. Melody became, rather quickly, her favorite stuffed animal.

Now even the smallest of triggers would lead the two to a full on blowout that could not be calmed down. For a long time she was best friends with someone that her sister hated, and now she had no best friend at all. And it was the day before the last day of their fifth year, and Lily couldn’t find Melody.

“She’s missing,” she insisted, her roommates rolling their eyes. “Melody’s gone.”

“I’m sure she flew out the window, the miserable thing,” said Tally. “It was so pink and fluffy and _old_. I wonder why you even kept it.”

“You know, I was just wondering about that quill of yours,” said Marlene. “You know, the one you’ve had since second year even though it’s broken and you really can’t use it? I wonder why you still have _that_.”

Marlene knew exactly why Tally kept that quill, though nobody else in the room did, and that rather cruel comment made Tally blush very deeply and angrily. She didn’t say another word about Melody.

The fifth year girls’ dormitory was a mess. Everyone – except Lily, who had been looking for Melody – was packing their things and the room was full of the sound of trunks closing and articles of clothing being aimed at the bed but hitting the ground. Someone must have spilled their perfume, because the room was heavy with the scent of roses, which Lily hated, and every inch of floor was covered.

“I’m going to look downstairs,” she announced, eventually giving up on searching in their dorm room. She had no specific memory of ever even taking it out of her trunk – but as she couldn’t find it, maybe someone else had seen it.

James Potter was waiting for her.

He wasn’t actually waiting for her, though that’s been known to happen. He happened to be waiting for Sirius, actually, who had said he would finish packing quickly and come down for a quick game of chess. But Sirius wasn’t coming down, and James had been waiting for almost forty five minutes when Lily ran down the stairs into the dimly lit common room.

“Evans,” he greeted cheerfully. “How are you?”

“Annoyed,” she said, not so cheerful herself. She sighed and resigned herself to ask, knowing that if she asked, she might live to regret it, but if she didn’t, she definitely would: she needed to find Melody. “You haven’t seen a – well, a teddy bear – have you?”

“No, sorry.” His hand shot to his hair, messing up the usual untidy state even more. Automatically, he added, “Do you need any help locating it?”

Lily snorted. “I don’t want any help from _you_ , Potter,” she said disdainfully, and James was sure her nose must have risen just a little bit into the air. “I will find it by myself.” As she started walking away, she heard James call: “If you don’t want my help – what was the point in asking me?”

Lily stormed away, fuming as she climbed her way out of the Gryffindor common room. In fact, she was so angry, that she didn’t notice that when she walked straight into the only other person on earth she despised more than James sodding Potter right now.

That was, coincidentally, Severus Snape.

 

“Okay, I’m ready,” said Sirius as he finally graced James with his presence, a short moment after.

“I don’t want to play chess anymore,” said James, annoyed. “How long does it take to pack three shirts and a couple of books _when you have magic_?”

“A long time… if you’re not looking forward to going home,” he replied.

After a second, James shrugged. “You’re always welcome to just come stay with me instead, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sirius shrugged as well. “But maybe later this summer. I’ve really got to go home, at least for my – you know what, I’ve got an idea. Let’s do one last prank.”

“One last prank – Sirius, we’ve got two more years in this place!” James said, instantly abandoning the more serious line of conversation. “What do you mean one last prank?”

“C’mon, we’re not going to be here for a _whole summer_. That’s months! How about we go – Vanish someone’s hair. Or make the Great Hall’s walls purple.”

“That’s an awful idea,” James said. “Purple clashes with _everything_.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Fine then. You come up with something! Just go get your invisibility cloak and we’ll be off.”

James sighed, but did as Sirius asked, even if he was still annoyed.

 

“Lily-“

“What are you doing here?”

“I just –“

“Sev. What. Are. You. Doing. Here?”

Severus flinched at her beyond angry tone. “I came to see you.”

“Did you now?” Lily’s face was so close to his, he could see her nostrils flare. It was ridiculous, Severus thought. She had always forgiven him before. Why not now? “And how did you know that I was going to come out? Or were you going to send Mary in again?”

“I –“ he began, but was interrupted by the Fat Lady portrait swinging forward. It revealed only a scrawny little second year, who proceeded to look at Lily and Snape and walk away.

And suddenly, Lily understood.

“You took it, didn’t you?” she said, glaring at Severus. “You thought it would get me out, searching for it… And you were right.” She took a deep breath, visibly attempting to calm down. “I want Melody back.”

Snape hesitated, and for a moment, everything was silent. The only sound was that of the Fat Lady breathing.

You see, despite everything, Severus Snape actually knew Lily quite well. He knew that, in Lily’s eyes, Melody was the last connection to her sister that she had. He knew that she was very protective of said connection, despite its nonexistence in his eyes. And he knew that she would do whatever it takes to get it back - including speaking to him again.

“I took it, okay? I took your stuffed bear. But I don’t have it anymore. I wanted to talk to you and – “ It seemed that Severus Snape was feeling guilty. At least, he looked like he felt guilty when he said, “I lost it, and I wanted to give it back, but it was too late.”

But just as Severus Snape knew Lily Evans, so did Lily know her former best friend. She knew that he was a great liar, but that when it came to her, he couldn’t spit out even a lie over what he ate for breakfast. And she knew that he was lying now.

“You didn’t lose it, did you?” she breathed. “You gave it to someone – no, you _threw her away_. You threw _my_ Melody _away_.” Her tone was becoming rather dangerous, actually.

“I’m so sorry,” he started saying. “I just wanted to talk to you, I swear – but then Mulciber saw, and I had to – “

“Go away, Severus,” Lily said. “Go away and please, understand that when I said that our friendship is over, I meant _over_. Go AWAY.”

There were some more moments of silence, and then Lily huffed, turned around and, after giving the password to the Fat Lady, walked right into Gryffindor Tower.

 

“Padfoot?”

“Yeah, Prongs?”

“Want to go find a stuffed bear by any chance?”

Under the cloak, Sirius grinned. “I think I know whose greasy hair I want to vanish.”

 

Sunday, June 20th, 1976, was a fine day, with a clear sky and cold air that was incredibly refreshing. The birds chirped and the bees buzzed as the Hogwarts students made their way down to Hogsmeade.

Lily was not in the mood for a sunny day.

She had stayed up packing later than her friends, and had yet to find the elusive Melody; she had hoped that maybe Snape had lied once more, but all hope was lost when the room was spotless and Melody was nowhere to be found.

So, Lily grimaced at the clouds as she loaded her trunk onto the train and sat down in a compartment with Marlene and Dorcas, simply waiting for the train to start moving and this year to end.

 

“Prongs, remind me why you spent seven hours last night looking for a _pink_ teddy bear?” asked Sirius as they were loading their trunks onto the train. “And in the same time, remind me why I let you do it?”

“Because I promised I’d help you vanish Snape’s greasy hair,” said James. “Which we did. Rather successfully, and without getting caught, I might add.”

“Yeah, but it’s back now,” he dismissed. “The effects of its greasiness will continue to affect me for a while. And speaking of things I can’t erase from my memory – that awful stuffed animal. I can’t _believe_ you were willing –“

“Yeah, let’s not speak of that incident ever again, please,” said James, grimacing.

“Whatever it is, I concur wholeheartedly,” said a friendly voice behind them. Remus Lupin, looking incredibly amused, was standing behind them. “Though I must ask, did you sneak _into_ the Slytherin common room or did you vanish his hair after swimming into the lake?”

“Well, Remus, had you been there, you would’ve known, now wouldn’t you?” said Sirius, in a tone that would have been put into better use when accusing someone of treason. “Where were you last night?”

“I was helping a third year with this –“ he stopped midsentence. “James, why do you have something pink sticking out of your pocket?”

James looked down immediately, tucking the fluffy paw back in. “It belongs to Evans,” he said proudly.

“My God James, you didn’t _steal_ it, did you? Because I promise you that will be counter-productive in the way of impressing her.”

“I didn’t steal it,” promised James, just as Peter came along.

“Didn’t steal what?” he asked.

“A pink teddy bear that belongs to Evans. And she lost it, so I’m bringing it back! Jesus, Remus, you can’t be so suspicious all the time,” said James. “Come on, let’s go find a compartment before Moony explodes.”

 

That day could have unraveled in many ways. For example, Lily and James could have, respectively, stayed in their own compartments and enjoyed the last bit of magic they had left before summer started. James could have kept the teddy bear, ignoring everything that happened around him and returning it to her politely as they got off the train, or alternatively, he could have given it to her just as they got on the train, and saved both Lily and himself quite a lot of heartache and trouble.

But the way that day turned out wasn’t quite as peaceful as that.


	3. Of a Train Ride and Lily Evans Saying Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Lily lost a pink teddy bear named Melody. After asking James if he’s seen it, she figured out that Severus stole it and threw it away because of Mulciber. Sirius and James, under the cloak, heard the whole thing. James somehow found the bear with the help of Sirius, and they vanished Severus’ hair, though it was grown back. James plans to return the teddy sometimes during the next day, when they’re on the Hogwarts Express.

Chapter 2

_Or_

Of a Train Ride and Lily Evans Saying Yes

 

(Evening)

The thing about train rides is that they’re both extremely long and extremely short.

The Hogwarts express, for example, took approximately seven hours, thirty five minutes and twelve seconds to get from Hogsmeade to King’s Cross, approximately six times a year. When considered within the grand scheme of things, seven hours, thirty five minutes and twelve seconds is not a long period of time, but it could also be what changes everything. One second could be, in such a case, an eternity.

Lily hated change. In fact, that was probably one of the reasons she was so hesitant when it came to ending her friendship with Severus. But change was about to hit in her in the face.

“Ow!” she yelled when a furry object hit her in the face.

“You’re welcome, Evans,” said James sarcastically. “And you’re absolutely right, by the way. I should have never come near you in the first place.”

She glared at him, looking down at the object which fell to the ground. When she saw what it was, though, her expression was fundamentally changed.

 

(Late Afternoon)

“She’ll be the death of me,” said James. His glasses were askew and his lip was bleeding, and his hair, normally a messy halo of darkness, had clumps that seemed both damp and sticky.

“Yeah, she will,” agreed Sirius. “But at least you’ll go down fighting.”

“If she ever lets me fight for her,” he sighed.

“If you ever understand she’s perfectly capable of fighting for herself,” said Remus, “maybe then she’ll speak to you again.”

“She’ll speak to me again,” answered James. “By the end of the day. I haven’t given it to her yet.”

 

(Morning)

“James, when are you planning on actually giving this stuffed… creature… back to its original owners?” asked Remus, eyeing the teddy suspiciously.

“It’s not a creature!” said James. “And I will do it when I see Evans.”

“You might not see her until next year, at this rate, and I fear that might be too late,” Remus pointed out.

 

(Early Afternoon)

“I’m hungry,” said Sirius suddenly.

The other marauders didn’t blink. Peter, who was reading that morning’s newspaper, looked up slowly and said, “If you’re going to the trolley, could you get me a pumpkin pasty or two?” and then looked back down. James and Remus continued conversing amongst themselves, and barely noticed when Sirius walked out.

“Where the hell is that trolley,” muttered Sirius to himself fifteen minutes later as he walked across the train, his stomach rumbling loudly. “I’m famished.”

The thing about long train rides is a boy is bound to get hungry. He’s also quite likely to get bored, so when he glances inside a compartment and sees none other than the one and only Lily Evans, surrounded by candy, he thinks nothing of it. It’s just natural for him to open the door and slip in, a smirk already slowly growing on his face.

Lily was laughing. It was in moments like these that Sirius understood, on some level, why James was so attracted to Lily: when she laughed, she put her whole heart in it. Sirius, who was very much the same in that regard, appreciated that about her.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, leaning on the doorframe.

Almost instantly, all traces of humor disappeared from her face. “None of your business, Black,” she spat.

Before his retort – which would come, of course – Sirius took the time to look around the compartment. There were five inhabitants, all in all: Lily, of course, was one of them. There was also a blonde sixth year that he had seen around the common room, but didn’t know by name, sitting on the floor; two of Lily’s roommates, namely, Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes were there as well. Lastly was Frank Longbottom, also sat on the floor, the only truly friendly face in the compartment. Frank, though a prefect since the year before, was always quite happy to help with the less harmful pranks, and helped him recover from the shock of Remus being made a prefect in the beginning of _this_ year.

“Well, I still have the right to ask,” he said finally. It wasn’t the wittiest line that he had ever said, but he was willing to accept it as passable. “What’s up, Frank?” he asked.

“I’m good. You?” Frank was holding hands with the unnamed blonde, and Sirius, incredibly observant, took that to mean that the two were dating. Surprisingly enough, he didn’t particularly care.

“Simply dashing. Actually, Peter wanted a pumpkin pasty, and I couldn’t find the trolley – but I seem to have stumbled upon the equivalent,” he grinned. “I don’t ‘sppose you want to donate a few sweets to a noble cause?”

Lily and Dorcas snorted in unison. The blonde was suppressing laughter, and sat up, straightening her back, as she said, “You’re welcome to stay and eat some of it. My treat,” she added.

Sirius’ grin became impossibly wide as he found a spot on the floor besides Frank and his girlfriend. He should probably figure out her name, he thought.

 

Over three quarters of an hour and lots of sugar later, Sirius had learned the sixth year’s name – Alice – and had found out that this bunch weren’t terribly boring. In fact, they were quite entertaining, and much more willing than Remus to listen to his stories.

Muffled voices were heard from outside the compartment just as Sirius was finishing a joke – even Lily, having gotten used to him slightly now, laughed freely, which Sirius enjoyed thoroughly – and then, for the second time within an hour, the door was forced open.

“Remus!” cried Sirius. “Come, join us. We have chocolate –“

Remus didn’t answer him, though, and instead turned back and called out to someone in the hallway. “He’s in here, guys! He’s fine!”

Not even three seconds had passed before James appeared at the door of the compartment. “Thank God you’re okay,” he said, his face red.

“Yeah,” Sirius said, confused. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

Peter squeezed into the compartment, James and Remus having both stayed in the doorway. “Mulciber – we were looking for you and he said – well, anyway, we’ve been looking for you for like fifteen minutes.”

“Glad you’re okay,” added Remus. “Hi, everyone.”

“Hi, Remus,” said Marlene. “Have you come to take your runaway son back home?”

Remus and James both cringed at the thought of Sirius being their son. “Actually, we just wondered if he had found the trolley after all,” said James. “But he seems to have found an even better alternative. Hi, Evans.”

Remus kicked him.

“Ouch! I mean, uh, Evans, will you talk to me outside for a second?” he said quickly.

“Why?” was all she said. James took that to be a good sign. Usually she would’ve outright refused him and he didn’t particularly want to give her a teddy bear in front of so many people – including near-strangers, and even worse, including Sirius.

Sirius laughed. “You should let him speak here, Evans,” he advised. “This is going to be _hilarious_ , and I wouldn’t want to miss it.” James sent a warning glare at him, but he didn’t catch it, or maybe he ignored it.

Lily shook her head and sighed again. “Yeah, fine, I’ll go with you. But no tricks.”

As James left and Lily followed him, Remus said, “I reckon I should take you up on that offer of chocolate.”

Sirius grinned and pointed at the mountain of chocolate and other, less important candy on the seat.

“And maybe a pumpkin pasty for me?” suggested Peter.

“Tell me though,” asked Marlene, ignoring Remus and Peter and looking straight at Sirius. “How did you vanish Snape’s hair?”

 

They had been walking for at least ten minutes before Lily caved and asked, “Where are you going?”

“Back to the compartment we were staying in,” said James, picking up his pace. “I left something there.”

“I thought we were going to talk.”

“We are,” he promised, his hand reaching up to his hair. When they finally reached the compartment, he made her wait outside. “Just stay here,” he told her. “It’s worth the wait, I promise. I just didn’t want to carry it along the whole of the train when we went to find Sirius.” And before Lily could ask what “it” was, she was left alone in the corridor, waiting for James sodding Potter of all people.

Perhaps this is an appropriate time to explain what Lily was doing there in the first place, considering the distaste Lily harbored for the poor boy. It seems like only a couple of days ago that she yelled at him that he was a bullying toe-rag that should be pushed off his high horse – and that was because it wasn’t that much longer than a few days ago. But there was more going on.

Firstly, she hated James, but right now she hated Severus more. He had humiliated her in front of so many people, and that was the least of it. He had defended his friends – like she defended _him_ – and had lied through his teeth. And perhaps if he’d see her with his enemy he would be so angry at _her_ that he would leave her be.

Secondly, Sirius had gotten to her. They really were quite similar in many ways, wearing their hearts on their sleeves, and they both had trouble at home – it was no secret that Sirius and the rest of the Black family did not get along, though the extent of it was not known to her. They both only confided with few people but got along with most, and, right now, they both hated Severus Snape. So after close to an hour of laughing with him, she would give his best friend a chance, not to mention spare James from whatever humiliation Sirius was threatening him with.

Lastly, she was curious. It was one of her defining characteristics, in her nature to ask questions and to want answers.

And so when James Potter asked her, rather politely, to talk to him, she said yes.

 

She hadn’t been waiting for very long when James’ face appeared again, looking flushed. “Okay, you can come in now.” He opened the door to the compartment, and she slipped inside, shutting the door behind her.

James opened his mouth to speak when suddenly, the door flew open.


	4. Of Bloodshed and the Three Times James Tries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Lily lost a teddy bear that James found. Sirius is so bored on the train ride back home that he ends up staying in Lily’s compartment for an hour until the other Marauders come and find him. James asks to have a conversation with Lily so he can give her the teddy, but realizes that he left it in the compartment so they walk back to his compartment. Everybody else stays in the other compartment. Before James manages to say anything someone interrupts them.

Chapter 3

_Or_

Of Bloodshed and the Three Times James Tries

 

(Early Afternoon)            

“Potter and Evans, together,” said an unfriendly voice. “Who would have ever thought?”

“Mulciber.” James gritted his teeth. Mulciber was the worst sort of Slytherin, believing in everything he was taught and more.

“Potter,” warned Lily, not wanting to get in a fight right now.

 “What are you doing here, Mulciber?” said James, ignoring her.

Mulciber sneered and said, “Oh, I just fancied taking a stroll, really, when I saw you, Evans, waiting outside of a compartment. I was thinking of saying hi – just casually, really – when your _best buddy_ here stuck his head out, and I was just _incredibly curious_ as to the nature of this meeting.” He was starting to show so many teeth, Lily doubted all of them were real.

“Go away, Mulciber,” said another voice. Despite everything, Lily couldn’t help but think, _Sirius Black to the rescue!_

It really was ironic that only an hour ago she hated him.

 

(A couple of minutes later)

“Thanks, Black,” Lily said, “for getting the creep to go away with your mere wit.”

He waved dismissively. “It’s fine. I’d never give up the opportunity to mock Mulciber, the big goon. I mean, he really is nothing more than –“

“A taller, uglier version of a gorilla?” finished James angrily, looking very much like he wanted to punch something.

“Precisely.”

“Well, I’m off,” said Lily, getting up. “The world is waiting for me – or at least, Dorcas and Marlene are. Waiting for me, that is.”

“Bye,” said Sirius, looking at James. No more than a second had passed since the door closed before James opened his mouth, and Sirius interrupted. “I don’t know what happened here, and frankly, I don’t want to know, so seriously, just don’t say a thing.”

James just frowned. “I was just going to suggest that we don’t tell Remus what happened here.”

“Oh.” Sirius thought it over, then nodded. “Yeah, let’s not. He’ll be angry at us if we even mention Mulciber in relation to us.”

The door opened to reveal Remus and Peter.

“So,” said Remus. “What the _hell_ was Mulciber doing outside our compartment?”

 

(Late afternoon)

“Shit, I didn’t give it to her!”

 

There were three of them.

A Black, firstly, who was a first or second cousin of Sirius’s and James’ third or fourth cousin by marriage, was standing there. Madigan Black was as pretty and bright and ambitious as they come. She was one of the top students in their year, which shows that being smart and being kind don’t have to go together after all.

Avery was not anything like her. He was big and goofy and incredibly dumb, and he really didn’t have that many ambitions besides punching first years. That was a line even James hadn’t crossed in a while. And he was the proof that he didn’t need to have anything between those huge ears of his to be incredibly mean.

Mulciber was not a nice person in the least bit, but he was big _and_ ambitious _and_ smart (relatively, when put next to Avery, at least), and he had the added advantage of being a boy, so he was the leader of the lot. Believing what he was told, he sauntered around Hogwarts like he was better than everyone else simply because he was a pureblood and in Slytherin. Truth was? He was average at almost everything. The only thing that he had real talent at was being charismatic, but even that was limited to people who believed in what he said already. Never in his life had he been able to get one single person to change their mind, which was why he stuck to his group of so-called friends.

Really, they were an awful bunch. And they were standing right outside Lily’s compartment.

James was so pissed at the fact that they would even get near Lily that he did what any sixteen-year-old teenager would do: he punched whatever was closest. It just so happened to be Avery.

It was a bold move, definitely.

It was also definitely a bad one.

 

Lily ran out when she heard something heavy fall outside of her compartment. So did many people, as it turned out: there was a crowd in front of whatever it was. She struggled to get through the crowd, get a glimpse of whatever it was –

But she should have known.

James Potter was getting beaten up by Avery and Mulciber, but he was putting up a fight. Soon, he had Avery unconscious, but he looked like he was getting tired quickly, as someone gave him a few good punches in strategic places, and Mulciber barely had a scratch on him. Two on one was probably not the easiest thing to do.

Suddenly the two were separated by an invisible wall. Lily looked around her to try and figure out who did it, but more than one person had their wands out.

Then a voice came out behind her, and she realized once again that she should have known.

“Get _away_ from each other,” shouted Madigan Black. “This is _not_ the time to be fighting. We are _going now_ ,” she added to Mulciber.

“Stay away, Potter,” hissed Mulciber. He slapped Avery, who woke up, and helped him up. “Come on. We shouldn’t spend any more time on this blood traitor.”

 

“YOU IDIOT!” shouted Lily, Dorcas and Marlene.

James cringed. “I was just – reacting.”

“To what, exactly?” asked Dorcas sarcastically. “Them standing outside our window? Because that’s everything I’ve gotten out of you so far!”

“Yeah, well, I was just trying to protect – “ he started, but didn’t manage to say anything more before Lily interrupted him.

“We don’t need your protection!” she cried. “We are the same age as you, we’ve taken the same classes, and we have the brains to actually use _magic_ instead of fists! So get out – I’m tired of listening to you whine about how you think you’re some _hero_ ‘cause you’re _not_. You should have never come here in the first place!”

James, who had slowly, during the course of the day, forgotten what his relationship with Lily was really like, felt shock course through him. His mind blank, he got up and left the compartment.

 

James staggered into the compartment where the other marauders were sitting. They were playing a game of Gobblestones on the floor, and none of them looked up when the door open.

“Alright, Prongs?” asked Sirius, concentrated on his move.

“Not really,” he groaned. The three sitting Marauders immediately looked up, and reacted quickly, getting up themselves and helping James sit down.

“What happened?”

“Are you okay?”

“Would you like some chocolate?”

James gladly accepted the last offer, and while Remus looked through his bag for some spare chocolate he could give him, Sirius tried to get the story out of James.

Finally, James said the following:

“Mulciber was standing outside of Lily’s compartment – and Avery too.”

“Why are you doing this?” asked Peter. “She doesn’t even like it.”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “It’s just that… at a certain point I realized that - she’ll be the death of me.”

“Yeah, she will,” agreed Sirius. “But at least you’ll go down fighting.” He conjured some ice and gave it to James.

“If she ever lets me fight for her,” he sighed, wincing as the ice he conjured touched his face. James realized Remus was handing him chocolate. Not just that – but he was also speaking!

“If you ever understand she’s perfectly capable of fighting for herself,” Remus was saying, “maybe then she’ll speak to you again.” James took a moment to remember that they were talking about something – him wanting to fight for Lily.

“She’ll speak to me again,” answered James. “By the end of the day. I haven’t given it to her yet.”

 

(Early Evening)

The thing about train rides is that they are generally boring. Nothing much happens on most trains. But every once in a while, call it fate or luck, two people sit next to each other, or bump into each other on the way to the loo, and their lives are turned around. One of them might inspire the other one to write a bestselling novel. They might end up being arch nemeses. Or they might end up marrying each other.

The Hogwarts Express train ride was fairly normal for most of the students of Hogwarts who were on it on June 20th, 1976. Besides one fight on the second car, nothing of particular interest happened. Lionel Marvin cheated on his girlfriend. Shelly Finicky sat with who would become her best friend, her girlfriend, and then her best friend again. Molly Hooper sat alone in the last compartment.

But strange things were happening in our merry little group. And eventually, when things heat up enough, they blow up.

 

Lily was, once again, sitting in her compartment with her friends, when its door opened. She hoped – wished – begged for it to be anyone _but_ James Potter. She even found herself wishing it was Sirius. She had no such luck.

“Can I talk to you? And actually finish a sentence this time?” he asked. Though he looked composed, really James was on the verge of begging. There was less than an hour left to the train ride, and he planned to change into Muggle clothing the moment he could and spending the rest of his time on the train _not_ thinking about a certain redhead with a bad temper.

Lily glared at him.

“It really is important,” he said.

And, for the second time, Lily said yes.

 

Lily started speaking the moment they stepped out of the compartment.

“Before you say anything,” Lily was saying, red in the face, “I don’t forgive you for being an asshole; no, I will not write to you this summer, you prick; and no, I will not go on a date with you.”

This was the wrong this to say. Lily, though usually good at reading people, managed to miss the fact that James was on the verge of bursting. He himself was rivaling her in the dark tint his face was taking; it turned red, and then almost purple, before he managed to calm down enough to reach into his pocket and throw a certain stuffed animal in her face. Lily yelped in surprise, and then looked down, only to see that it was, in fact, Melody.

“You’re welcome, Evans,” said James sarcastically. “And you’re absolutely right, by the way. I should have never come near you in the first place.”

Lily, who had nothing to say to that, stood there and stared.

James stared back, but the silence was getting to him. “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything? Yell at me for doing something nice? For trying to get a girl I fancy to go out with me, or even write me?” he asked finally. When she still simply stood there, silent, he turned around and started walking away.

When he had walked past two compartments, a little voice, as if unrelated to Lily, came out and said: “Thank you.”

Only God knows whether he heard her or not. He certainly didn’t halt.

 

As train rides go, this one wasn’t the worst. It certainly wasn’t the best.

The next summer was going to be hard. Neither Lily nor James would truly enjoy it. But they would endure, and they would persevere, and they would survive.

And as they stepped off the train and walked through the barrier into the summer air in King’s Cross, they were walking from one stage in their lives to another, more complicated one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I went for a "three" theme in the past few chapters. This quickly disappears from now on; three, of course, is a very easy to use number and therefore might not be gone completely as a number, but chapter titles, at the very least, don't stay this predictable.


	5. Of a Black’s Freedom and His Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Lily lost a teddy bear just as they were leaving school. James found it, and after much trouble on the train ride, she insults him and he throws it in her face. Lily and Sirius have discovered they do not hate each other. The summer begins.

Chapter 4

_Or_

Of a Black’s Freedom and His Letters

 

_Dear Evans,_

_I feel odd writing to you, but I’ve already written two letters to ~~Moony~~ Remus and ~~Wor~~ Peter, and three letters to your arch-nemesis, Mr. Potter. I would hate to bother them further, especially since it  is only the second day of vacation. As I found that you are much more interesting than just an average, rule-abiding bird, I have decided to give this thing between us a shot._

_Shit. That sounded like a line. Rest assured, Evans, that I do not plan on getting in your pants. For one, the aforementioned Mr. Potter will definitely kill me in my sleep if I ever do, and secondly, I’m pretty sure you would too._

_Anyway, how’s your summer been? Mine’s been dreadful, in case you couldn’t figure it out from the fact that I’m writing my eighth letter within two days. The old hag won’t stop buggering, and the little one is being more annoying than usual. He received perfect grades, the brat. Then again, so did I, but I don’t see her exactly bragging about my accomplishments. She’s still in shock over the fact that I’m in the wrong house, I think._

_What are you planning this summer? You have a sister, right? What’s she like? Is she fit?_

_That last one was a joke._

_Sirius Black the Humble_

 

_Dear Black, (the Humble, really?)_

_If you feel odd writing to me, it’s nothing compared to how I feel writing to you. I hardly ever write letters during the summer, as my friends and I schedule at least three meetings in advance and keep doing so throughout the summer. In fact, the only letters I remember are those I write during the school year, and they are addressed to my parents. This feeling is very much worsened by the fact that just a few days ago, I wouldn’t have answered your letter at all. You wouldn’t have written me in the first place, probably. But if you must know, I have found that you’re endurable. Don’t tell anyone._

_When you say “the old hag”, I assume you mean your actual old hag, and not your mother, of course. And James Potter, just to be clear, is not my arch nemesis. I just think that he’s a huge git, and I’m right, aren’t I?_

_I’m glad you know that I would kill you if you ever try to get in my pants, by the way. But I would not be so kind as to do it in your sleep. I just hope you know that if you ever try to sleep with me, I am likely to torture you until you beg for death._

_Or something._

_I am sorry for your bad summer. I know only as much as anybody else – the rumors about you are hard to avoid, you know – and that includes your dislike for your brother and the fact that you never go home for the holidays, unless you’re going to Potter’s, of course. I must say, I’m not having the best summer ever myself. My sister and I – well, you did ask – we don’t get along. In fact, she pretty much hates me. But seeing my parents is good. I’ve missed them both very dearly – I didn’t go back even once this year, at my sister’s “request”. She has this awful boyfriend she’s been bringing over, apparently, at every single opportunity. His name is Samuel, which is a perfectly fine name, but the guy is simply atrocious. And he seems to be nothing more than a shell of a human being, too._

_Well, enough ranting for now. I think I’m going to let you actually receive this letter, and besides, I’m starving._

_I hope your summer improves,_

_P.S. I probably should have mentioned this in the letter itself, but besides meeting with my friends, I don’t have any plans for this summer. What about you?_

 

Sirius Black wasn’t the type to never leave his room. In fact, he was constantly moving – fidgeting, and flying, and running. Especially in the last year, when he had found that changing into a dog whenever he was running made it much easier.

But despite this, he had been lying, on his bed, in his room, for four days now, without so much moving a muscle, besides eating and visiting the loo.

Occasionally, he would choose a different book, or change the station on the radio.

He certainly never talked to anyone. But he could hear them. Merlin’s pants, he could _feel_ them. They were walking around the house, so confident, so… terrible.

He hated them all, and perhaps he shouldn’t have because they were family, but he did.

They didn’t feel like family.

He remembered how at the end of last summer he had left the room covered in Gryffindor flags and anti-pureblood posters when he went to school. He wondered where that all went – it probably all got thrown straight to the bin by Kreacher, or shredded into nothingness with magic that his dear mother performed.

“Bitch,” he murmured under his breath. “ _You’re a disgrace_ ”, his mother’s immediate and only letter had said.

But really, the fault was in them.

It had to be them.

 

_Dear Padfoot,_

_Would you please stop sending me ten letters a day? I know how terrible it is over there, but really, you should just come visit me instead. I’ve been incredibly bored – if it weren’t for Wormtail stopping by yesterday, I would be on my fourth book right now. Fancy going to Diagon Alley and maybe going to that ice cream shop you love so much? Tomorrow, elven o’clock? I’m simply going to assume the answer is yes, by the way, so don’t, Agrippa’s sake, stand me up. I’ll be expecting you whether you send me a letter or not, Padfoot._

_Yesterday, by the way, was fine. We were both feeling too lazy to actually go anywhere, so we ended up playing chess. He beat me twice, and then we had lunch, and he beat me again, before we decided to take the board outside, where I beat him twice and he beat me thrice. Thrice is a word that mean three times, by the way._

_Do you know what’s going on with Remus? He hasn’t responded to my letters, and the full moon isn’t till the ninth, two whole days from now. I checked._

_The worst of this summer is yet to come. But when this heat passes, we’ll all be okay, I’m sure._

_Prongs_

 

_Dear Prongs,_

_You’re a git. Even I remember that Moony is on that trip with his parents, and that they’re not going to be back until the morning before the full moon, and I spend most of my time ignoring him. He’ll probably send you a letter after the full moon. And again, even I didn’t send him any letters after the first couple of days. And I know what thrice means. The fact that you just discovered the meaning of it today has nothing to do with my intelligence. Git._

_I’ll be there, by the way, with a purse full of any bit of money I can nick. I want to redecorate my room._

_Padfoot_

 

James had definitely endured a number of boring summers, but when, just a few nights after seeing him last, Sirius appeared on his doorstep at one A.M., he knew his summer wasn’t going to be anything like previous ones.

He took a step forward. “What happened?” he asked, his voice cautious.

Sirius grinned, and his mouth was bloody. “My mum didn’t approve of me _redecorating_.” He paused and, no longer grinning, he added, “I’m never going back.”

James nodded. “You know where the spare bedroom is,” he said. “We’ll talk to my parents – and clean you up – in the morning.”

Sirius nodded gratefully, and, dragging his trunk, he started making his way up the stairs.

“Sirius?” James said suddenly.

Sirius turned around, his expression so tired it would have broken anybody’s heart.

“Just so you know… I’m always here for you,” he said quietly.

Sirius nodded. “I know. And…” he hesitated. “Me too. Definitely.”

 

_Dear Lily,_

_I don’t know when we switched to first name basis, but your last letter – with no less than three “Sirius”-es appearing in it – has made this clear. Don’t mind me, but I actually grew sort of fond of your last name, and I’m going to need to get used to using your first name when talking to you, and your last name when talking to ~~Pr~~ James. I know, I know you hate him – and we really are jerks sometimes. It’s amazing you’re even talking to  me – but he is my best mate, and he, despite everything, does mention you every once in a while._

_I’m living with him now. Have been for a couple of weeks._

_It just sort of happened, really – his folks are my guardians now, too, and the information on how that happened has eluded me so far. I just – I couldn’t stand being trapped there anymore, with that awful house-elf, and the self-entitled little one, and especially, I got so sick of my mother. So I hung up a bunch of Gryffindor flags, got a punch from my dearest dad, and splinched myself by Disapparating to James’ place. Really, it wasn’t too terrible though, so don’t lose your head worrying – we didn’t even notice a bunch of my hair was missing until the next morning, when there was definitely less than usual. Really, my only regret is that I forgot my broomstick back at the old place. It was a wonderful comet that I had received for my birthday from uncle Alphard._

_Anyway, James’ place is nice, but boring. It’s in this town called Godric’s Hollow (yes, that Godric), and you should really not bother trying to figure out if you’ve heard of it, because you haven’t. There’s only one other close magical family, a distant relative of your Alice – her last name is Prewett, right? I didn’t get that wrong? I did only speak to her for a few hours as a whole, but I seem to remember that being her surname._

_Anyway, I’m grateful for James’ folks letting me stay here, but it’s bloody boring, so I find myself searching for entertainment._

_As for your last letter – really quite funny, that incident with the “magical” spoon – I think you should have socked him instead of just letting it slide. He really seems like he could use a wakeup call. Merlin, he sounds more boring than Godric’s Hollow._

_Anyway, are you going to be in Diagon Alley anytime soon? We should probably meet up for some ice cream. James’ dad was clever enough to go get my money from Gringotts before my mother’s hands got on it, so I’ll pay. It’ll be a celebration._

_To freedom!_

_Sirius the Magnificent_

 

_Dear Sirius (the Magnificent is really a bit much),_

_Sunday, 11 o’clock, The Leaky Cauldron. Don’t bring Potter (though after the last time we spoke, I doubt he’d want to, and I don’t believe that crap about him talking about me, either), but Remus or even Peter is fine. The girls – including Alice, whose last name is in fact Prewett – and Frank and I are going to meet there._

_To freedom!_

 

The Evans lived in a nice, suburban house. It wasn’t big, but it wasn’t small, either; in fact, it was average in almost every way. It had a nice garden, and a nice sitting room, and a nice kitchen which was supplied well. It was in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors, and every once in a while Mrs. Evans would throw a garden party, or a tea party, to which all were invited and at which most arrived. During the year, the younger daughter would go away to school, which was hardly uncommon.

Really, it was Lily herself who was odd, but the neighbors – even the nosiest ones – knew nothing of Lily’s magic. Besides, that was not of import at the moment, as Lily couldn’t use her magic during the holidays, and her hair was a mess. Lily’s hair was a mess, and she had ten minutes before she would miss the bus that should take her to London. Tying it back in a careless ponytail that might hide the horribleness of it, she threw some money into a bag – both Muggle and wizard currency – and applied some lip balm. She found an empty bottle and headed to the kitchen downstairs to fill it up.

“Morning, Petunia,” Lily said politely, heading straight for the tap.

“Morning,” answered the tall teenage girl standing near the coffee machine. Silence followed, and only the sound of the machine, the water running from the tap, and the humming of the fridge could be heard.

“Well, I’m off,” said Lily, grabbing a banana as she walked out of the kitchen.

“Where?” she asked.

“Hmm?” Lily turned around to face Petunia. Since when does Petunia care where and what Lily goes and does?

“Where are you off to in such a hurry?” Petunia elaborated, looking slightly irritated. “So I can tell Mum when she wakes up.”

 _Ah_ , Lily thought. _Of course. I should have known_. “London,” said Lily shortly. “And Mum already knows.”

Petunia nodded. “Okay then.” She returned her gaze to the coffee machine, and Lily left the room, slightly relieved that the conversation hadn’t continued.

Immediately, she felt guilty. Had she just wished that Petunia _not_ speak to her, her own _sister_? Had she not, for the last five years, tried to make sure she maintained a healthy relationship with Petunia, as much as she could and as long as she could? She _couldn’t_ lose her sister, she simply couldn’t – they were _blood_.

She smiled at the bus driver and paid him – Merlin, Muggle money was so small, she had forgotten – and found a seat near the end of the bus.

Soon she would be back in the magical world, with her magical friends – and Sirius, whatever he was to her - even if only for a short period of time, and everything would be okay.

She was really looking forward to that ice cream.

 

_Dear Padfoot,_

_I’m incredibly sorry it’s been so long since I wrote you – I just finished an incredibly long apology to Prongs as well, and I intend to write to Wormtail the instant I finish with this letter._

_So, here are my excuses:_

_Firstly, I was on that vacation that I told you about – thanks for remembering, by the way, as it seems neither Prongs nor Wormtail remembered – and I had a great time, but I’ll tell you more about that when we meet. Suffice to say, the second reason is there was a very kind Muggle girl who happened to be from London, and I’m sure you’re going to be pissed, but I won’t say anything else. For now._

_My third excuse is that I’ve been recovering from last month - and I haven’t been able to catch up. It was actually worse than usual – and again, this isn’t the format to explain this._

_Lastly, I got no less that fifteen letters during the three-week period I haven’t been answering my post. You might see how this would cause a reluctance to read and answer them all. So I’ve been procrastinating. When two more letters arrived, one from Lily – who, I understand, you’re in touch with now as well? – and one more from James, I decided it was time to pick them all up and answer them all._

_So here are my answers to your questions:_

_No. Yes. Maybe. Last Tuesday. If I remember. Of course. It was a parrot, for your information, and I doubt that it intended to step in the coffee._

_So anyway, congratulations on moving in with James. I’ll be stopping by soon – is Thursday okay? – and we’ll talk._

_Tell James that he’s a prat. I told him so in my letter, but he should hear it more than once._

 

_Moony!_

_I cannot stress how thrilled I was to finally receive a letter from you. Or anyone, really. I met with Evans a couple of days ago, and that was great fun – James still insists I must be lying, but I swear it was – and James and I have done nothing but play Quidditch ever since I arrived, and I never thought I would say this, but I’m bloody sick of Quidditch, and the games the locals play don’t include flying. Which is even more boring. Who wants to run after a ball? The whole fun is flying._

_Anyhow, James’ parents say that coming over on Thursday is fine. Mrs. Potter said that she would cook lunch, and Mrs. Potter’s cooking is far from excellent, so you should definitely come very late. Though I would take her cooking over my mother’s any day. And to be fair, her baking is top-notch, and so is her lasagna. Maybe you should come in time for lunch. I’ll make sure she makes lasagna._

_How dare you flirt with a Muggle girl and refuse to tell me any details! If you had never mentioned her, it would have been one thing… Rest assured, I will definitely question you further on Thursday._

_As for Lily – yes, we have been corresponding. I sent her a letter amidst my despair in the beginning of this summer, and she seemed to get the idea that I was interested in a continuing relationship. I have, despite my initial misgivings, given in to her advances – her non-romantic advances, of course._

_James has terrible taste in music, by the way, did you know? He plays all this Muggle shite, says he likes the stuff. I keep having to change the station on the radio to something more interesting, like the Magpies. They’re new stuff is excellent._

_See you on Thursday,_

_Sirius_

 

In his head, he called it the Morning After.

Sirius would probably think it was hilarious, but really, there was nothing worse than the Morning After, whether after drunken, regrettable sex, or after changing into a wolf.

As he staggered out of St. Mango’s – they practically kicked him out of there, really – Remus realized he was about to be sick.

Yeah, the Morning After was definitely the worst.

 

_Dear Wormtail,_

_James and I are going to go to that ice cream shop I like again tomorrow. Would you like to join? I’m paying, as I’ve yet to celebrate with you and Remus. Speaking of Moony – he’s coming too. Or at least, I assume he’s coming. I’ve just sent the letter this instant._

_How’s your mum? We haven’t been over as much as usual this summer, so I feel like I should ask._

_Hope to see you tomorrow,_

_Sirius_

 

_Padfoot,_

_I’m tired too tired to right a full letter right now. Who sends a letter at ten p.m.?_

_Yes. Seeya._

 

Peter missed being at school. He was happy at home. Peter wasn’t happy at home. His mum doted on him, and didn’t mind that he was average. But he could tell that she was tired. That she wished he was _above_ average, like his friends.  He could tell that she missed his dad.

So did he.

And his friends they really hadn’t visited much that summer, and he felt… out of the loop.

His uneasiness was just that missing his friends, though. Right?

 

_Dear Sirius (the Fantastic is just pushing it),_

_There are less than three weeks left until term. I am, regrettably, informing you of my plans for the next two weeks: France._

_Yes, my mother insists that we all go to France, well, save for my dad. So we’re going on a girls’ trip to France, and I have to go, or I’ll probably be disowned._

_No offence intended to you, of course. I am not trying to – well, you know what I mean._

_She really sprung this out on me in the middle of nowhere, so I’m writing quick letters to everyone and then – adios! Wait, that’s the wrong language. How do you say goodbye in French? Did you learn French? I did in Primary, but I never listened in class._

_Anyway, I’m off to France. France! My mother is so desperate for Petunia and I to get along that she’s willing to go to France to make it happen. The situation is dire, my friend._

_So this is my goodbye (in English). I will see you on the train ride, accompanied by the rest of you troublemakers, no doubt. I already have Marlene picking up my stuff at Diagon Alley – so I won’t see you there, either._

_To France!_


	6. Of an Uneventful Train Ride and an Aloof James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Lily and Sirius have been corresponding. Sirius moved in with James after a terrible fight with his family. The summer of ‘75 is ending.

Chapter 5

_Or_

Of an Uneventful Train Ride and an Aloof James

 

James Potter had never missed being alone before.

When at school, surrounded by other students and teachers and ghosts, he thrived. He loved being the center of attention, he loved being a star student and incredibly popular, he loved it all. Even the nights, sitting as Marauders and talking, were more exciting than summers. Perhaps it was because, growing up, he had almost no one his age to talk to, maybe it was because he was simply made that way, but he never wanted to be alone.

But ever since Sirius moved in, James came to the realization he would never be alone again. At least until Sirius moved out. And despite the fact that he loved Sirius like a brother – it was the last day of vacation, and for the last month he hadn’t had a single day to himself, besides the day that he went to London to “hang out” with Evans. _How did_ that _happen, anyway?_

He was packing his things, sighing whenever his mind wandered back to Evans. He had made up his mind – he would let her be from now on, her and everybody else. He couldn’t deal with his strange obsession anymore, and besides, the N.E.W.T.s were coming up, and he may have more or less breezed through his O.W.L.s, but he had a feeling that actually studying would be slightly more important this year.

 _Did I forget anything?_ he thought. A second later, he remember. _My broom!_

He left his room, intending to go straight to the shed and get it, but when he stepped into the garden, he found Sirius already flying on it.

And for the first time as far as he could remember, James missed being an only child.

 

Platform Nine and Three-Quarters was just starting to fill with people when James and Sirius arrived. Scanning their surroundings, they spotted a few acquaintances, but no one they knew well, and so they continued to wander, waiting for someone to arrive.

“Sirius!” called a voice behind them. Turning around, they saw Lily head straight towards them. “Oh. Hi, Potter. I didn’t see you.”

“Hello, Evans,” James said. “I think I’m going to find us a compartment,” he added to Sirius.

“Are you sure –“ Sirius began.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said, shrugging. “I’ll see you later.”

 

James did not given a second thought about leaving Sirius alone with Evans. Sirius didn’t fancy her, Lily definitely didn’t fancy Sirius, and besides, James didn’t care anymore. Not about Lily Evans, with her red hair and legs and –

He was thinking of her again. Shit.

 

“So,” Lily said once James had disappeared from sight completely. Something about James was nagging in the back of her mind, but she ignored it. “How was living in with Potter?”

“My best summer yet.” Sirius smirked, tucking his hands in the pockets of his Muggle clothes. “How was your summer, Evans?”

She sighed dramatically, and speaking in a fake posh accent, she said, “Oh, absolutely dreadful. It was almost as if the world wasn’t designed to please me and me alone.”

His grin widened for a moment, but then shrunk into nothing. “I got your letter yesterday. I – Merlin, I’m terrible at this stuff – are you okay?”

She nodded. “I think Tuney is who needs to be worry about. I mean, I did break her up with her boyfriend.” She grimaced. “I still think I did her a favor. I’m not even sure she liked the guy. But she was hurt, and after I –“

But her story, no doubt exciting and tearful at the same time, was interrupted by the sound of STGs: Screaming Teenage Girls.

“Lily!” the two STGs were yelling.

Lily whipped around, her long hair almost going into Sirius’ nose. “Marlene! Dorcas!” she said, excitement clear in her voice. Both of the girls in question ran towards them, and one by one, they all hugged each other.

“Merlin, your hair, what did you –“

“It feels like ages, I can’t believe it’s been only –“

“How was that dinner, you never called –“

“Did you do something –“

“When did you –“

“How was France? –“

“Oh, it was just a week or so after –“

“Thanks for sending the books, I really –“

“It was nothing, really –“

“France was amazing, I’ll tell you all about it at –“

Sirius was taken aback by the sheer amount of talking that was being done at the _same time_. “Didn’t you just see each other, like, three weeks ago?” he asked, a confused expression on his face.

“Yeah, so?” asked Lily, tugging a strand of hair behind her ear. “A _lot_ can happen in three weeks – hell, even one week! And Marlene – you got a haircut! It’s _adorable_.”

Marlene blushed and played with her wristwatch. “I – well, I wanted change,” she admitted. “I’ve been a little sick of everything – it’s always the same.”

Sirius huffed. “Not with me it isn’t,” he said pointedly. “Everything’s an adventure, that’s what I say. Almost everything can be made interesting.” He paused, thinking for a moment, before adding, “Except History of Magic. Nothing can make Binns interesting.”

“What about the couple of times he enters through the wall every year?” asked Dorcas.

“That lost its charm in, like, _first year_.” Sirius shrugged. “Anyway, I’ll see you later, Evans – you still need to tell me exactly how you got poor Samuel to quit – but I need to find Worm- Peter and Remus, and get them to whichever compartment James –“

“Yeah, yeah,” Lily said. “Go to Potter, and enjoy. I am going to stay here, with people less despicable.”

“Now, I wouldn’t call James _despicable_ –“

“Who said I was talking about Potter?” she grinned. “Goodbye, Sirius.”

Sirius waved them goodbye lazily and walked off.

 

It was going to be an uneventful train ride, but then fate intervened.

It was about two hours after the ride began that the brown owl made its way to train. Knocking its beak against the window, the teenage boy hurried to open it, completely unsuspecting at to the contents of the letter it carried. Once he saw who sent it, though, he read it quickly and left the compartment.

“Snape –“ called a voice from behind him. Students grunted, probably from being pushed aside as the voice made his way to him.

“What, Mulciber?” asked Severus, not turning around.

“I got a message from – come in here, I don’t think you’ll believe it – “

Severus looked at the compartment Mulciber was trying to pull him into. “I’m not throwing out second years,” he said quietly. “That’s Potter’s job. My compartment’s just over there.”

Mulciber was excited. He was good at hiding it, keeping his calm as he walked besides Severus, pushing students out of his way, as per habit. But Severus was even better at detecting his mood – excellent, in fact. And Mulciber – uncaring, cruel Mulciber – was very excited, and very happy.

Severus couldn’t help but hate anything that made Mulciber happy, except for this one time. In this particular instance, Severus Snape didn’t know what to think.

To all but two people, it was uneventful train ride.

 

The welcoming feast was always magnificent, the sorting hat was always met with applause, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was always introduced.

And Dumbledore always gave a speech.

“Now that you have all eaten to your hearts’ content, I would like to welcome all of you to Hogwarts,” he began, and the uppity chatter of the students died down. “Welcome, newcomers and old-comers alike. Welcome.

“I have a few announcements to make. Firstly, I would like to introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Harold McMillian.” A stout, slightly chubby man stood. There was a fair amount of clapping, and when it calmed down, Professor McMillian sat down, and Dumbledore continued. “Our caretaker, Filch, would like to remind you of the ever-growing list of banned items, which is now hanging in his office. There is also a new rule stating that you are not allowed to use magic in the hallways, after a couple of incidents last year which landed students in the hospital wing.”

Suddenly, Lily noticed something odd about the teachers’ table. There was not one, but _two_ new faces – Professor McMillian and a tall, long-faced witch, wearing red. _Who’s she?_ She wondered, but before she voiced her inquiries to her friends, Dumbledore continued.

“First years should be aware that the forest on Hogwarts grounds is forbidden to all students. Some older students should be reminded of this fact as well.” Dumbledore’s eyes wandered around the hall, but landed, eventually, on James and Sirius, who were grinning up at him. Amusement flashed in his eyes, and once again, he continued.

“Lastly, I would like to introduce you all to Mrs. Hitchens. She is an Auror who has been placed at this school for its protection. If you see anything out of the ordinary, or if you receive any threat, you are encouraged to report it to Mrs. Hitchens immediately. Thank you.

“The prefects will now escort the first years to their dormitories. Good night, everyone. May your mind remind itself of facts that you have forgotten over the long, relieving summer vacation, and be filled with new ones.”

Lily immediately turned to Dorcas and Marlene, who were both staring at their now-empty plates. “You know what this means, right?”

Marlene did not react, but Dorcas nodded.

“The war is getting worse.”

 

“James, are you okay?” asked Remus, looking at James, who was still sitting by the table after most of everyone was heading out of the Great Hall.

“I’m fine,” he said numbly. “It’s nothing.“

“Remus!” Lily’s voice was heard clearly, echoing through the entire Hall. “We need to help guide the first years to the dormitories –“ She was interrupted by a voice from behind her, and she turned around quickly, not noticing James.

“Go,” James said, not a trace of his bitterness clear in his voice. “I wouldn’t want you to neglect your duties for me, I’m not Sirius. The password’s ‘Dipetalous’, right?”

“Yeah,” Remus confirmed. “You sure –“

“I’m fine,” James insisted. “In fact, I’m going. See me going? I’m going.” He, in fact, started walking away, facing Remus still, so he didn’t notice as he walked straight into Lily’s back.

“Oh, sorry –“ his eyes widened as he saw _who_ he had back into. “Sorry, Evans.”

Quickly, he rushed away, ignoring anything she might have to say to him.

 

It was clear to Lily: James no longer liked Lily.

She didn’t know what had made this happen – though she had a couple of theories – but she found that she didn’t particularly like this idea. Last year she would have jumped on any opportunity to get him to stop annoying her, and as she made her way up the enchanted staircases, warning the first years to skip certain steps, she considered what could’ve spurred this change. Maybe it was that she’d grown used to his constant poking and prodding and his insistent asking her out, but she had a sneaking suspicion it was something else entirely.

She had given the password to the Fat Lady portrait and led the first years inside. She had shown them where their dormitories were, and explained that if they needed anything else, they could talk to any of the prefects of their house or the Head Boy and Girl. She had unpacked her things and made her way down to the common room to read, but had found herself incapable of doing so. The thought kept popping back into her head: James Potter no longer fancied Lily Evans. The arrogant prick who had, despite dozens of refusals, continued to ask her out and try to impress her for over two years, had given up.

She was deep in thought, pretending to read her book, for perhaps an hour. Sitting on her favorite chair which was near the fireplace and faced away from the stairs which leaded up to the dormitories, she found herself wishing herself back home, something she had never felt on the first day of school before. Then a distraction in the form of Sirius Black showed up and plopped itself on the chair in front of her. She waited for him to say something. He didn’t. She went back to pretending to read her book, though she hadn’t registered a single word in the last thirty pages or so.

“You’re not actually reading.”

Lily looked up from the book slowly, as if savoring the last words of a sentence – which she wasn’t, as she had no idea what was happening in the narrative at all. “Huh?’ she blurted after a couple of seconds. “I didn’t catch that.”

A knowing grin spread on Sirius’ face. “You’re not actually reading. You’re very good at hiding it, almost as if – could it be? – you’ve done it before. But you’re not actually reading. You’re thinking about something.”

“Sirius – I don’t know what made you think that I wasn’t, but I am definitely reading. So if you are willing, please go bother someone else. You have friends – I’m sure they’re viable options.” She rubbed her temples, as if just having him near her gave Lily a headache.

“Nah, they’re not, actually,” he said. “Pete’s asleep already, Remus is talking to – I mean, he’s ill, and James has asked for some ‘alone time’. Whatever that means. So here I am, and here you are.” He grinned once more.

“Ill? Already? We just got here!” she exclaimed. Sirius shrugged, and silence followed.

“Sirius?” Lily said suddenly, closing her book and placing it carefully beside her. “Why do you think we have a ministry worker in our school?”

“You mean Mrs. Hitchens?” Lily nodded, and Sirius closed his eyes, thinking. “I have no sodding clue,” he admitted. “Something to do with the war. It’s getting worse, you know.”

Lily nodded, accepting this answer. “It’s just, the War – it’s been terrible for – for _years_. Its seeds were planted before I knew that I was a witch, before I was even _born_ , and it’s been a major hindrance in my life since the moment I stepped in Hogwarts castle. I –“

“Lily –“ Sirius began, but then he shook his head and restarted. “Evans, this is all idiocy. It will – it _has_ to die down. Because shit like this can’t stay this way forever. Like everything else, it goes away eventually. And, Evans –“ He touched her shoulder now. “It’s only a ‘major hindrance’ if you let it be. You’re fucking talented, Evans. I’ve seen the things you can do, and I’m terrified of you. That’s saying something, what with me being such a powerful dark wizard, according to the entire student body. And – yeah. I mean –“

“I get it,” she interjected, smiling warmly. “Thank you, Sirius.”

He nodded. “I’m going to walk away, and it’s going to be very manly. When you think about this moment sometime in the future, you’ll remember it very clearly: despite my girly touchy-feely speech, my _walk_ was _very_ manly. Understood?”

Lily nodded, grinning. “Of course. Understood.”

“Night, Evans.”

“Night, Sirius.”

As he walked away, she asked herself if it would’ve been better if she had asked him about James.


	7. Of the Players

Chapter 6

_Or_

Of the Players

The sixth year boys’ dormitory held six wizards.

James had dark hair which was cut short and yet still managed to point in all directions. His eyesight was terrible, and those hazel eyes of his had always been framed with glasses, or at least, since he was nine years old they had been. He was one of the most brilliant students to ever be admitted at Hogwarts, most likely, and he damn well knew it. The Quidditch captain since fifth year, and unofficial leader of the Marauders, he was known throughout the school for his epic pranks – and among the younger classmen he was feared for the very same reason.

Sirius was a Black, and that meant something – especially since even though he was in Gryffindor, his brother was in Slytherin. He was devilishly handsome, and his long hair, wit, winning smile and badass attitude made many girls swoon, though he didn’t like to, in his own words, “limit himself to one girl alone.” He was brilliant at everything he put his mind to, and casual about it, and had more detentions than half of the student body combined.

Peter was an average student in everything but Charms, where he was above average, and Care of Magical Creatures, where he excelled. Within the Marauders, he was known for thinking up the ideas of some of their best schemes, and that they held him in high esteem meant that others did too. He was by no means miserable, and by no means highly popular. Really, he was just a pleasant person to be around, with a sense of self-awareness that could lead to an extremely amusing conversation – if you were willing to listen.

Remus was an oddball. A prefect, straight-laced (at least by Marauder standards), many people wondered what Potter and Black saw in him. And then again, many didn’t. He had a quiet, dry sense of humor and a knack for complicated spells, and that he managed to get such good grades even though his mother was so ill constantly was a sign of his merit.

Cameron was pale and short. He had dark, thick glasses which he should have really worn more, and generally smiled a lot and talked little. He had an annoying habit of touching people’s shoulders, and his laugh was absolutely contagious. He loved Herbology and Potions, but did very poorly in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and everybody in the school had heard of that one time in Third Year when he – well, he didn’t really like to talk about it.

Dan was a Muggleborn. He was a talented Keeper, but was frequently sick, and that had caused James to begrudgingly kick him off the team this year, much to the dismay of everyone involved. He loved scarves, and had many of them – far too many scarves to be considered healthy.

In this dorm room, all were equal – and the Marauders were above.

 

The sixth year girls’ dormitory held five witches.

Lily had red hair and green eyes that were a kind of trademark around the school. She was lively and funny and popular, and very talented in Charms and Potions. She loved laughing and talking and was generally considered happy and loved. She was known for many things, but what had stood out for all these years was her friendship with Severus – and James Potter chasing her relentlessly, of course.

Marlene, much like her brother, had a pale complexion and blonde hair that used to reach the middle of her back, but now, barely reached her shoulders. She was tall and lean, and something about her felt trustworthy. At the beginning of her third year she had known many secrets – more secrets than any thirteen year old should know – but had never told one about anyone but herself. She was naturally quiet and shy when talking to strangers, but was also fiercely loyal to her friends.

Dorcas, with her dark hair and dark complexion, was somewhat Marlene’s opposite: loud and opinionated, she was hardly shy or closed off. She had a quick temper to match her quick smile, and her comments were usually dripping with sarcasm. She was not the most “girly” girl to ever live, but she was passionate, which often passed as shallow. She was verbal and clever, very clever, a top student in her year.

When people met Mary, their first impression was that she was tall. She was very beautiful, and somehow she succeeded in making even the ugly school uniform robes look good. She almost always wore heels, despite the fact that she was already over a meter-seventy; that’s what gave her the tallness-quality, which was so vital to her figure. She was, in a sense, a queen bee; Hogwarts houses be damned – students from all houses appreciated and admired her. Very few people knew anything concrete about Mary at all, in fact, besides the fact that she was Muggle-born, and yet, she was constantly in the spotlight, wanted by everyone.

Tally, on the other hand, was one of the blandest people you’d ever meet. Her face was so natural most people forgot it immediately, and she was not the type to call attention to herself. She maintained a deep crush on Sirius which the entirety of Gryffindor Tower, save for the man himself, knew about. She was sarcastic and mean when talking to strangers or people she didn’t particularly like, but interesting and sometimes incredibly funny when talking to her best friend, Mary.

The dynamics in this dorm room were quite odd: It was as if two mini-camps had formed during the past five years, one consisting of Mary and Tally, and the other of the remaining trio. It was awkward, at times, but usually, they didn’t argue too much. Tally would say something vicious and Dorcas would lash out. Mary would drop subtle hints about some secret and so would Marlene. Lily generally tried to be friendly with everyone, but had found herself disliking Tally more and more as time went on. But the air was usually peaceful.

 

On the first night, there was nothing wrong.

On the second, something was off.

On the third, things were calming down.

On the fourth night, things were heating up, but nobody was willing to say anything.

On the fifth night, things blew up. Figuratively, thank God.

It would only get worse from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically, this was written as part of the next chapter, but it proved to be too long.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Remus got a girlfriend over vacation. The summer is over, and after a fairly uneventful train ride, everyone arrives safely at Hogwarts. There is a ministry Auror positioned at Hogwarts, though the reasons for this remain unclear. Sirius and Lily’s friendship continues to grow. Lily is sure that James no longer fancies her, and can’t figure out why this bothers her. James, for the first time in his life, does not wish to be around people anymore.

Chapter 7

_Or_

Of the Day It All Blew Up

 

 (The first night)

“I’m going to shower now,” announced Lily the moment she entered her dorm.

“Dorcas is already in,” said Marlene from her bed, and flipped a page in her book. She was lying flat on her stomach, her feet pointed at her pillow, and looked up briefly when Lily sat on her bed, which was on Marlene’s right. “And Tally said she’s next before she left, but if she doesn’t come back before you, you can probably go in and pretend you never heard anything of it.”

Lily nodded and took off her shoes, messaging her feet slightly before lying face down on her bed. “I don’t want to start school tomorrow,” she complained. “I just want to stay in my bed for the rest of eternity. Is that even an option? Can it be an option?”

Marlene laughed, carefully placed a bookmark in her book and then shut it, changing her position so she faced Lily. “Sadly, not quite yet. When I’m prime minister, though, I’ll definitely make going to school on the first day illegal, which would make the second day the first day, which would be illegal, and so on and so forth…” A dreamy expression appeared on her face. “And then there would be no studying, ever again. Wouldn’t that just be brilliant?”

“Definitely,” said Lily. “Alice said that Frank is going absolutely ballistic about studying this year, and that he’s barely paying any attention to her.”

“They are trying to get into the Auror department,” Marlene reminded her. “She should probably be a little more focused herself.”

“On the first week of school?”

“Fair point.”

They lay there for another moment before the door to the bathroom opened and Dorcas came out. Lily jumped up and ran straight into the shower, almost forgetting to Magick her things to follow her into the bathroom.

It was a very relaxing shower. _God, the water pressure at Hogwarts is_ wonderful, thought Lily. _I’d forgotten._

When she came out, Tally and Mary were discussing something hurriedly and quietly on the latter’s bed. She gave them a curious glance before switching into her night garments and plopped herself into bed with a novel.

Lily fell asleep shortly thereafter, and only in the morning did she hear about the spectacular spider they found just outside the windowsill.

 

Remus Lupin was ready for whatever they could throw at him. He wouldn’t bulge, no matter what they said or did; he refused to give in.

“Come _on_ , just tell us something – anything. What’s her favorite band. The color of her hair,” suggested Sirius.

“Whose hair?” asked Dan Fletcher, entering the dorm just at the right time. He was the tallest in the dorm, with sandy hair and dark eyes and complexion that fit an American more than a London boy, and yet there you go. “And why would we be asking Lupin in the first place?”

“I’m not telling,” said Remus, and he was answering both boys.

“Remus got a _girlfriend_ over the summer, and he won’t share the details,” teased James. “Sirius is pissed, because all he’s gotten out of him was that they met on the beach, and that they promised to write each other, given that at his _very Muggle school_ they don’t allow – what did you call it again?”

“Phones,” supplied Remus.

“I reckon you made her up,” said Peter. “So you could get Sirius off your back for never having gone on a second date in your life. But it seems to have backfired,” he added.

Remus made a face and said, “It really isn’t any of your business. I regret even mentioning it in the first place.”

“See?” said Peter, pointing at Remus. “He’s making up excuses, can’t even keep a straight face. He’s pulling one on us."

“Merlin’s beard,” said Sirius. “Just end this torment and _tell us something about her_.”

Remus sighed and rubbed his forehead, as if he had a headache coming on. “Her name is Natalie. She likes The Beatles“ – Sirius made a face – “and she has auburn hair. Good enough for you?”

“Aren’t these beetles a Muggle band?” asked Sirius.

“She’s a Muggle,” James reminded him.

“Yeah, but still,” shrugged Sirius.

“And now that you have gotten some information out of me,” announced Remus, “I’m going to bed.”

 

(The second night)

“MOVE, YOU MORON!”

Sirius was glaring at his chess-set. One of the rooks was staring at him defiantly, and James was trying not to laugh his head off.

Mary made her way through the crowd gathering around the chess game, pushing people aside as she did so. “Sorry, Alice.”

Even though James and Sirius regularly played each other, people rarely missed the chance to watch. The reason behind this was simple: Nobody played chess like these two played chess.

For one, both of them cheated. They were both quite terrible, and so they Confunded each other, did more than one move in their turn, and consulted Remus and Peter, who were both very good at the game.

Secondly, after an incident in second year, they never used their own set. Sometimes they bought a new chess set which would last about a month, typically, but usually they borrowed other people’s chess sets (mostly first and second years’ sets, as the older students refused to risk their sets), and this caused quite a lot of frustration, due to the fact that the sets did not trust either of them.

Thirdly, eventually, the chess set would be abandoned for a more physical approach to their “battle of wits” – that is, it inevitably turned into a fist fight.

But Mary wasn’t interested in the game. She needed Sirius for something.

“Sirius, I need you to come with me,” she said, breathless.

“I’m a little busy at the moment,” he said absent-mindedly, repeating his order. “ROOK TO E3. ROOK TO E3. ROOK TO- ah, fuck it. What is it?” He looked up to see Mary standing in front of him, looking like a knight of hell.

“Sirius, I need you to come with me,” she repeated. “NOW.”

 

“What is it?” Sirius asked. Mary and he were sitting in an empty classroom on the second floor, he on a desk, and she in a desk. “It seemed pretty serious for you to –“

“Tally-is-going-to-use-a-love-potion-on-you,” she said quickly.

“What? Why?” Sirius blinked, then repeated, “What?”

“Tally is going to use a love potion on you,” she repeated, slightly slower. “She ordered it yesterday. So just – don’t go anywhere near any food that she’s – you know.”

He blinked again, then asked, “Why does she want to use a love potion on me? Why doesn’t she just – ask me out?”

Mary sighed, as if he was an idiot for even asking that question, and stood so she was looking him in the eye. “Well, she couldn’t just ask you out, obviously,” she explained. “It would be a terrible embarrassment for her. But if _you_ asked _her_ out, it would be fine.”

Sirius looked incredulous. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Mary shrugged. “I didn’t say it has to make sense to you. But believe me when I say, in Tally’s eyes it makes perfect sense.”

“Oh. Okay.” He thought for a moment before saying, “Thank you.”

Mary smiled warmly. She looked around and realized that somehow, they had gotten so close their noses were practically touching. She pulled back suddenly, said, “You’re welcome,” and then she walked out of the classroom.

 

“What were you doing, talking to Sirius?” demanded Tally the moment Mary walked into the dormitory later that evening.

“What?”

Rally repeated herself and added, “You didn’t tell him –“ she stopped herself just in time, as both Lily and Dorcas were in the room, and though both seemed focused on their homework, it was entirely plausible this was not the case, it being only the first week of school and all.

“Of course not,” said Mary curtly. “I’m going to shower now.”

As Mary closed the door behind her, it occurred to everyone in the room that Mary had never actually said what she was doing with Sirius.

 

(The third night)

“ _Dear Remus,_

_I looked up your name. It sounded familiar, and since you were refusing to tell me anything interesting about you, I went and asked my librarian._

_Turns out, your namesake was raised by a wolf and then co-founded Rome. Isn’t that cool? Imagine. Being raised by a wolf and then founding one of the most famous cities ever. I’d like to visit Rome, you know, always have._

_So you’re Wolf-Man. Sounds like a superhero name, doesn’t it –_ “

“STOP!” cried Remus, grabbing at the letter Sirius was reading out of. “Just stop – you have no right!”

“Quite the contrary, Remus,” laughed Sirius, sprinting away from him. “I do believe that the letter was open for all to see, was it not?”

“Git!” Remus yelled, and reached for his letter once again as Sirius threw the letter to Peter, who caught it, and tossed it to Cameron, who held it, eyeing it with suspicion. “I don’t know if I should trust this,” Cam admitted, as he walked over to Remus and handed it to him. “Are you sure you’re corresponding with a _female_ , mate?” Remus made a face, but took it nonetheless.

“I’ve got one question, mate –“ began James, who was lying on his bed nonchalantly. Remus shot him a warning look. “Whoa, Remus, I just wanted to ask what a superhero was.”

“Oh.” He looked slightly surprised, then laughed and said, “A superhero is a character in a –“

“SHHHHHH,” said Sirius. “WE DON’T CARE.”

“Actually –“ began James.

“What we _do_ care about,” continued Sirius, ignoring James, “is your girlfriend. Your first girlfriend. Whom we’ve never seen even a picture of.”

“True, and you never will,” announced Remus.

“I’m with you, Remus,” said Peter, laughing. “If Sirius gets ahold of a picture of her, he might find her. For both your and her sake, you don’t want him to get to her.”

The room’s playful banter continued into the small hours of the night. It was a good night, and every member of the dorm remembered it as such for a long time.

 

“What the bloody hell,” asked Lily as she sat on Marlene’s bed, “does McGonagall think? That we’re superhuman or something? All this work – and it’s only the second day of school!”

“Yeah, well, she doesn’t really care, I guess,” yawned Marlene. “What really annoys me is that we have to do all of this – this – nonverbal magic – but I can’t grasp it at all.”

Dorcas shrugged, looking smug. “I managed it today,” she confided. “I did it twice, at the end of Charms.”

Lily grinned, not bothering to tell them she had been able to do nonverbal charms since the end of the previous year. She, Severus, and James Potter, as she found out, next to that lake… But yes, it would do only harm to her friends’ egos to tell them that she had this ability for so long.

“That’s great!” she said. “I managed to do it once or twice too, actually. It was very satisfying, I think.”

“God, I’m tired,” said Marlene, falling backwards dramatically, straight into her plush pillow. “We’ve been here just over two days! How does that even happen?”

“School,” answered Dorcas.

“True,” she sighed. “Okay, guys, get off my bed. I’m going to sleep early while I still have the chance.”

“Sleep early, die young, stay pretty,” sighed Lily, giggling.

 

(The fourth night)

There were four girls in the room at the moment. Two of them were talking to each other, the third was working on an essay, and the fourth had just finished getting dressed.

“Has anyone seen my hairbrush?” asked Mary.

“Nope,” said Lily.

“No,” said Dorcas.

Tally, being the only other person in the room, didn’t say a word.

Mary continued her search.

“Tally, is that my hairbrush?” she asked, pointing at the handle of what was, in fact, her hairbrush, peeking out from Tally’s trunk. Tally continued to ignore her, and Mary continued to point. Her finger began to shake, then her whole arm, until finally her entire body was shaking with fury, her face so red it was practically glowing.

“Tally, why did you take my hairbrush?” she said with a dangerously low voice.

“Why shouldn’t I?” she asked, her quill continuing to run across the parchment.

Mary paused for a second, and she looked like she was about to explode. But she managed to calm herself down, and said, her voice barely audible, “Because it’s mine.”

“Was it? Well, I was under the impression that we were sharing everything, now,” Tally said. “I’m going to bed early. Goodnight.” She straightened up, turned off her light, and climbed into bed, all the while, Mary was staring at her in shock, until finally, she ran out of the room, her hair still unbrushed.

Lily thought that Mary should have probably known better than to hold Sirius’ hand this morning. It could have been friendship, of course – God knows it could be friendship – but not with Sirius, and certainly not with Mary.

Never with Mary.

 

Their bodies slammed against each other. Their mouths merged and their hands explored each other, and then Mary pulled away.

“What’s going on?” asked Sirius, looking worried. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, and asked, “Why did you stop?”

“I’m such an idiot,” she mumbled.

Sirius looked taken aback. “What? No you’re not! At least,” he amended, “not to the best of my knowledge.”

“I’m such an idiot,” she repeated. “I’m here with you, snogging you, instead of dealing with my problems.”

Sirius shook his head. “I think that’s a brilliant way to deal with your problems. In fact, instead of talking, let’s continue, I hear it really helps to sort out aggression and shit.”

Mary shook her head in return. “My problem involves you, obviously.”

Sirius looked mildly annoyed now. “But is it obvious? Is it really?”

Mary ignored him, and continued. “Tally has been my best friend since the moment I got here. We know each other so well I could probably tell you what she ate for breakfast depending on the day of the week. And I knew she had a major crush on you, and _I told you_ , and then I _went on and started snogging you_.” She grimaced. “That’s not particularly best-friend-like.

“But you’re _fit_ , and I’ve never – never – stopped myself from taking something I wanted before, at least, as long as it was available. And she never – she never took you. But I don’t want to hurt her.”

“Are you asking for my opinion or are you ranting at me?” Sirius said.

“Neither. Both. I don’t know.” She sank into one of the nearby chairs and stared into her empty hands.

“Well, since the latter is already done, I think I’m going to give you my opinion,” he said. “And that is – I’m not relationship material. So – you might as well break up with me.”

She looked up at him, looking confused.

“I know what it’s like having a best friend you know through and through,” he explained, shrugging. “Even though you’re fit, you’re just a bird, and I’d give you up for a second if James was in the way. And you should feel the same way about me - and Tally. And if she’s not fine with us – “

“I might as well break up with you,” she finished. He nodded.

“Okay then.” She took a deep breath. “Sirius Black – I am breaking up with you, mostly due to the fact that you’re too noble. Who ever thought that would happen?”

He grinned. “Certainly not my mother.”

 

(The fifth night)

“YOU’RE BEING RIDICULOUS!”

“WELL YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND!”

“AND I BROKE UP WITH THE GUY FOR YOU! BECAUSE YOU ARE!”

There was a battle going on in the Gryffindor common room. It was one like none other: mostly, since nobody actually knew what it was about, except that it involved two of the most popular people in school – and the best friend of one. People gathered around, as slowly, pieces of them unraveled.

“WELL YOU DIDN’T BLOODY WELL SHOW IT!” Tally was furious, her skin pale as marble.

In absolute contrast, Mary was red, so red, her brown locks looked almost black in comparison. “I BROKE UP WITH HIM FOR YOU, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT? I just –“ she stopped screaming, panting. Tears were running down her face, and she rubbed at her eyes constantly.

“Well,” said Tally, coolly, “you might as well get back together with him. We’re no longer best friends, anyway.” And she turned her back to her.

Mary had never felt anything quite like the pain that stabbed her chest at that moment, nor would she ever again.

It’s a very unique feeling, being betrayed by your best friend.


	9. Of a Party and Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Mary and Sirius got together, much to the dismay of Tally, who’s been harboring an old crush on Sirius. After Mary breaks up with Sirius for the sake of their friendship, Tally and she have a fight. Sirius and Lily became close friends, and James decided that he would start leaving Lily alone. Marlene needs a change. Mulciber and Severus received a mysterious letter.  
> A/N: In the Harry Potter novels themselves it is mentioned that Mary was attacked by Mulciber, sometime before the Lake Incident, most likely. As this is vital for this chapter, I will also add that I assume it happened during fifth year, and near the end of it too, or some parts of this chapter don’t really work as well.

Chapter 8

_Or_

Of a Party and Change

 

(Part 1: How It Came To Be)

“We’ve only been here for four weeks and I’m already bored out of my mind,” said Sirius. “Let’s prank someone.”

“I don’t feel like it,” said James.

They were sitting near the lake, relaxing as the sun washed over them in the warmth of a Saturday morning.

“Besides, last week was the full moon,” said Peter. “I’m not even fully recovered from that yet.”

“Let’s throw a party,” said Remus.

They all looked at him in shock. “Padfoot, check my pulse,” said James. “I think I just died of shock.”

“I think Peter should check both of our pulses, actually,” replied Sirius. “Remus, did you just _suggest_ that we throw a party?”

Remus shrugged.

“Okay then,” said James. “I guess we’re throwing a party.”

 

(Part 2: James Can’t Help Being a Hero)

She wasn’t used to walking alone yet. She didn’t want to walk alone.

Last year, after the incident, she never, ever, walked alone. Once – once she did. It was absolutely terrifying. She thought every person she saw was going to attack her. And she had good reason to. There was no reason for Mulciber to attack her last year in the first place.

Besides the fact that she was Muggle born.

Mary clutched her books tighter to her chest, and hurried her pace. For some reason, the hallways were unusually empty. If there were people around, she could forget herself, somehow. Being alone always brought the possibility of remembering, and she didn’t want to remember. She didn’t want to relive being so helpless and alone.

She turned a corner, and sighed with relief when she saw someone familiar. “Marlene!” she yelled, waving at her gratefully. Marlene turned around, and her look of confusion only got more pronounced when she saw it was Mary who had called her name. She halted, waiting for Mary to catch up with her. “Mary,” she said as a way of greeting.

“Mind if I walk with you?” said Mary, breathless. “You have Herbology now too, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” shrugged Marlene, admittedly confused, but still good naturedly.

She turned around and resumed her slow pace, passing very few other students when they took a left, and then a right, and then another right.

“Shouldn’t we have taken a left?” asked Mary, looking passed her shoulder. Perhaps this wasn’t the best way.

“I know a shortcut,” reassured her Marlene. But about three minutes later, they hit a wall. “This wall wasn’t here yesterday,” observed Marlene.

“No, it wasn’t,” said a sinister voice behind them.

Marlene turned at once, but Mary, for a moment, stayed fixated on the wall.

This was everything she feared would happen. She knew it – Tally had been her protective shield for so long, she should have known the moment there was no Tally, something would happen.

Mulciber, and a vicious-looking fifth year Slytherin, were standing behind then.

“Mulciber,” hissed Marlene, and when Mary finally turned around, she realized Marlene had already taken out her wand. This situation was only getting worse and worse.

“No magic in the hallways, McKinnon,” sneered Mulciber, his wand out as well. Within a moment the fifth year’s wand was in the open too.

She shrugged. “Yeah, you too. Maybe we’ll just both keep it on the hush hush when I curse you to oblivion.”

“Maybe you won’t be _around_ after I finish with you to _tell_ on anybody,” he said.

Mary took a step backwards – into the fake wall behind her. _Oh no,_ she said. _Trapped._ Her mind repeated that one word like a mantra: Trapped. Trapped. _Trapped._

She was so afraid. So afraid.

And then James Potter’s voice came from, seemingly, nowhere. “Mulciber,” he started. “I know for a fact that you’re missing Transfiguration right now. In fact, all of the first years are about halfway through their class already.”

Mulciber and the fifth year turned around, and the wall behind Mary flickered for a moment. “We can take you, Potter,” spat the fifth year.

“It’s three against two, Mulciber, but I alone am worth more than the two of you, anyway,” said James. “I think you might as well just run along.”

Mulciber looked around, and apparently came to his senses. “Fine,” he said. “Let’s go.”

 

The wall disappeared the moment the Slytherins did.

“Are you two alright?” asked James, a concerned look in his eyes.

Mary nodded meekly, but Marlene said defiantly, “What do you think you were doing?”

“Uh,” said James.

“We don’t need a hero to save us, thank you very much,” she said. “I was dealing with it – and I was just as able as you are – and Mary, oh my God, I totally forgot, are you _okay_?”

It had occurred to Marlene that Mary might not be okay, but James had already gone over to her by the time Mary collapsed, balling her eyes out. “Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured. “C’mon, we’ll go to the infirmary, get you a sleeping potion – I’ll talk to McGonagall later. C’mon.” He helped her up and started walking with her in the direction of the infirmary.

“Not very Gryffindor of me, huh?” she mumbled.

“Are you kidding?” asked James, just as Marlene caught up with them. “In your situation, I would’ve broken down about the second I saw Mulciber.”

And even though he was blatantly and obviously lying, Marlene very much appreciated James at that particular moment.

 

(Part 3: A Drunken Kiss)

There was so much alcohol.

Marlene was not unaccustomed to alcohol. The occasional party here and there, and the few times Lily, Dorcas and she had raided Dorcas’ dad’s liquor cabinet and got drunk, had made sure of that. But never had Marlene seen _quite_ so much alcohol before.

“Hey, are you okay?” said a voice beside her. Marlene looked up, startled by the unexpected question. It was Mary, beautiful Mary, and she was holding hands with a boy much shorter than her, which she was pretty sure was a Hufflepuff. She wondered vaguely where Sirius was. She wondered if Mary was okay, with the whole Tally deal. She wondered if she was okay, after what happened yesterday.

“I’m fine,” Marlene assured her, not asking for the Hufflepuff’s name. “I’m just feeling a little sick.  I think I’m going up early.”

“Okay,” Mary said, shrugging. “If you’re sure.”

Marlene started making her way through the dense crowd – not all of these were Gryffindor, they couldn’t be, right? – and was halfway to the stairs when someone reached from her left and grabbed her wrist.

“Where are you going?” the voice whispered in her ear, smelling of alcohol and aftershave.

She shivered and looked at him. “James!” she gasped.

“Marlene,” he said, his grin too wide.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Where are you going?” he countered.

She smiled too. Perhaps the Firewhiskey she had already consumed had gotten to her head, or perhaps James’ smile was too wild and intoxicating. “To get a drink,” she said, changing her mind as she spoke.

Perhaps staying down here wouldn’t be too bad.

 

It was about an hour later when she realized she was drunk.

“I – I – I am so _pissed_ ,” she laughed. For some reason, the idea was ridiculous to her, or at least, ridiculously hilarious.

“Yes you _are_ ,” laughed James. “And so am I.”

They were sitting at the top of the stairs, near the empty seventh years’ boys dormitory. James had nicked a bottle of Firewhiskey – never matter that it was _his_ bottle, technically – and they’d been passing it back and forth for the past thirty minutes. It was cold, and Marlene found herself shivering, but every gulp of Firewhiskey spread more warmth in her, so she didn’t say anything. James noticed anyway, observant despite his near-drunkenness.

“Are you cold?” he asked, slightly slurring. He wasn’t wearing a coat – but they were a floor above his dormitory, and he could easily go to his room –

Oh, his room. Marlene was definitely drunk, as the mere thought made her think…

“Mar- _lene_ ,” he said. He pronounced it funny, as if there were three syllables, not two. “Are you… Are you…” he frowned. “I don’t remember what I was saying.”

What she was about to do was a terrible idea. One of her best friends _hated_ him, and she was drunk, and she was lonely, and she was going to regret it in the morning. And despite all of this she knew she didn’t care. Because he was funny, and generous, and fucking _fit_ , and even if Lily couldn’t see it, he really could be very kind, even if sometimes he made stupid mistakes like saving girls who didn’t need to be saved. And he wasn’t as much of a git as he was, say, last year – he was changing, becoming a better person.

Marlene McKinnon kissed James Potter, and after a second, he kissed her back.

 

(Part 4: Sirius Black is… Well, Sirius Black)

Lily must have heard at least thirteen versions by the time she reached first period Monday morning (double Potions). But there was one common thread strung through every single one of them:

Marlene McKinnon and James Potter. Together.

Neither of them were at breakfast, and that only made the whole thing seem more plausible.

Her mind whirled around the entire time she prepared the Alihotsy Draught. She mixed in the wrong direction, added the ingredients at the wrong time, and halfway through had to vanish the potion and do it again, though slightly rushed. The whole time, she found herself sneaking looks at James Potter, who was _not_ looking at her, thank God, and was focused on his potion, which was green instead of blue. Remus went over and started helping him, and just then Sirius raised his gaze – and saw her staring at James. His eyes flicked back and forth between the two, and a wicked grin appeared on his face. She blushed and focused on her potion, which was almost done. The blue fumes weren’t quite in the right shade when she handed it in, but she figured that she was always okay when it came to Slughorn.

She rushed out of class, glad that she had a free period now. She set her pace towards the library, where there would be, hopefully, peace and quiet.

“Lily!” called the voice of Sirius behind her.

She slowed down slightly, but was still walking rather quickly when he caught up with her.

“Hi, Sirius.”

“Heya, Lily,” said Sirius. “Say, was that you – did I catch you _staring_ at my best mate _James Potter_ , today?”

She hastened her pace. “Nope.”

He grinned and matched her speed. “You’re a terrible liar.”

She blushed. “Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are t-“

“Okay!” she said, stopping dead in place. “Fine, yes, I was staring at Potter. I was wondering whether he and Marlene, one of my best friends who neglected to say anything to me, were in fact making out last night, and I’m very confused at the moment about this whole thing, really. So – “

“You’re ranting, Lily,” said Sirius quietly. “If it means anything, I was sure James still fancied you.”

Lily opened her mouth to respond – probably to say that James hadn’t fancied her since the beginning of the year _at least_ , and to say that really, he hadn’t asked her out since last year, how could he not tell, and then to start ranting again – but then Severus appeared.

“Lily, can I talk to you for a moment?” he asked, his voice barely audible.

Lily scoffed. “Yeah, sure.” She didn’t move a muscle.

“ _Alone_ ,” he said. “Please.”

“Sirius can hear anything you have to say to me,” she said coldly.

“Lily,” he said, his voice still low. “I knew that you and Black here were _friends_ – “ he didn’t seem particularly happy for her – “but I was unaware that you now _fancied_ Potter. Is it because he finally gave up on you – “

“I _don’t_ fancy Potter,” she said. “Not that I see how it’s any of your business,” she added. “Unless we were friends again without my knowledge? I don’t think we were, actually. So maybe you should go.”

“Well, I was just worried – Potter’s a jerk, you know that – and – “

“Oi, Snivellus,” said Sirius. “The bird said that you should go.”

“Stay out of this, _Black_ , it’s none of your business – “

“As you’re talking to _my_ friend about my _best friend_ , I think that it’s all of my business – “

“As if you care about anyone – “

“That’s it –“

And suddenly wands were out, for the second time in three days.

“Sirius,” said Lily. “Please don’t.”

“Lily,” mocked Severus. “He’s a jerk, you know that – did you forget already – “

“I wasn’t talking to you,” said Lily sharply. “You see, I don’t think you can see reason. Meanwhile, Sirius – “

“Sirius? What’s going on here?” said the voice of James Potter.

And suddenly, James Potter interfered, once again for the second time in three days.

“Snivellus,” said Sirius, feeling no need to explain further.

“Oh,” said James.

 _This is it_ , Lily thought. _He’s going to go back to being the jackass he’s been for the past five years, probably the first fifteen years of his life. He’s going to take the opportunity and -_

But he didn’t.

“C’mon, mate,” he said instead. “Snivelly isn’t worth it. Let’s go get some food or something, yeah?” He reached to Sirius’ wand and lowered it slowly.

“Yeah, okay,” said Sirius, looking slightly distraught. “Lily, you coming?”

“Yeah, okay,” she said, deadpanned and shocked.

And they left Snape behind them.

 

“You’re an idiot,” said James on the way to the Tower.

“I am,” said Sirius. “But so are you.”

And they both looked at Lily, walking one step behind them, and smiled. She smiled back, somewhat hesitantly at James.

“I am,” agreed James. “I am such an idiot.”

 

(Part 5: Lily’s Realization)

When Lily came into the dorm, much, much later in the day, Dorcas and Marlene were waiting for her. She sighed, but before she could say anything, Marlene started talking, popping a toffee into her mouth and chewing. That’s something she only did when she was nervous, so Lily took it as a bad sign. Dorcas was reading a book, or at least, pretending to.

“Listen, I know that you hate him – but I like him a lot, and it’s like, I didn’t even realize I’ve liked him all this time until the moment I kissed him, anyway, so there was no way for me to be able to tell you. I don’t think I even liked him until that moment. And I wanted to tell you last night, but - but you think James is a prat, so I didn’t know how you’d react.”

“Truth is…” she sighed. “I don’t think he’s a prat.”

Marlene nearly choked on her toffee and Dorcas actually set down her book. “What?” Dorcas asked bluntly.

“I don’t think he’s a self-involved prat anymore.” She hesitated for a second, as Marlene looked like she was about to faint. “Marlene, are you okay?”

Marlene blinked, and seemed to be regaining consciousness.

“I can’t believe it. For the past _five years_ you’re complained, and ranted, and shouted at the poor boy. I just – what the hell happened?” asked Dorcas.

Once again, Lily stopped to consider her next few words. “I think it started with Melody, actually,” she informed them.

“Melody?” Dorcas asked, looking confused. “What?” Marlene nodded in approval of Dorcas’ question, adding another, no less important, “What?”

“Yeah, when it disappeared last year – I didn’t really, uh, find her in my luggage. I – well, on the train, when we were going home, Potter – James – gave her to me. He apparently found it and that’s why he wanted to talk to me. He didn’t even try to ask me out – and I freaked, I don’t know, and I insulted him, but the past month he’s been great – he hasn’t asked me out once this year - and him taking in Sirius last summer, and I’ve actually seen him _break up a fight with Snape_ and I just don’t know how to react, really.” Lily took a deep breath. “So, yeah, I don’t hate him. I don’t think we’ll ever get along – but, I mean, he’s an okay bloke. Decent. I probably won’t be shouting at him as much as I used to.” She mumbled the last part. “And if you want to date him…” she added after a thought, “I wouldn’t hold it against you. I mean – I had a sort of okay time with him today, so I guess I can understand how somebody _could_ like him. So – that’s that.”

“Oh,” said Marlene and Dorcas together.

 

(Part 6: Sometimes He Daydreams)

Severus Snape wished he wasn’t himself, sometimes. It would certainly make his life much easier.

He wanted not to be in love.

But that was such an important part of him. Such a defining characteristic, he wouldn’t be himself otherwise, really.

Who would he be without the Dark Arts? Who would he be without Lily?

Somebody else.

But he was unwilling to give up either, and so he stayed in love, and so he stayed himself.

At least for a while longer.


	10. Of the Boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Sirius got kicked out of home last summer – or did he leave? Remus has an unexpected need to party. James and Marlene kissed in that very party.

Chapter 9

_Or_

Of the Boys

 

It had been two months, and Sirius still had nightmares about it. All the time. And not a single detail of it had faded, either; he could see his father’s face as clearly as he had that terrible, terrible night, and he could hear Regulus running away from the room – the coward – and he could feel the sting of the hex, and he didn’t even know who shot it, but he guessed it was his mother.

She was the one who discovered his redecorating – the Gryffindor flags, in particular, had always been an annoyance, but what drove her over the edge were the new Muggle girls. She threw a tantrum, demanded that he remove the pictures, but he refused. He’d worked on his permanent sticking charm throughout the year; it had not proved fruitless, and he was certain that even now, the same old flags were hanging proudly above his bed, pictures of motorcycles were placed at every corner, and of course, the very same controversial Muggle bikini-clad girls were probably still glaring at his mother whenever she attempted to remove them.

He almost laughed at the thought of her shouting at Kreacher as he failed, once again, to get those “ _ruddy abominations_ ” off the wall. He thought about where he stood, that night, as Kreacher laughed silently at his misery…

That night – that night he said some things he had wanted to say for so long. But he hadn’t said a lot of things, too. There was nothing wrong with liking Muggle things, he had wanted to explain to her. He wanted to make their family semi-normal, not interbred, not supporters of Voldemort, not the Noble House of Black. But he couldn’t say any of those to them. He couldn’t explain, he couldn’t make them understand the error of their ways, he couldn’t tell them he had never been like them.

And so he left – he ran – like a coward he escaped the clutches of his own blood.

He told almost no one. The morning after, he told James everything, because that’s what he always did, and then _he_ – that is, James – told his parents a very shortened version, and they didn’t press for details, and he didn’t give them. He told Lily – she really was easy to talk to, out-going and fun as she was – but he told her even less that James told his parents, and he downplayed it, to make it seem like it wasn’t that much of a big deal. Because it wasn’t. He had just finally, finally, _finally_ left that bloody house and that goddamned house-elf and his fucking father and little brother and his –

And his mother. His heartless, evil mother, who was nothing like him, because he couldn’t afford to be anything like her, because just over six years ago he had made a choice to be a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin because a boy named James Potter, who was so much better than anyone he had ever met until then, had told him about _his_ father.

Sirius Black was born to be the black sheep, and sometimes he found that ironic. But he might have never gone too astray – surely not as astray as Andromeda – if it weren’t for James. And he was eternally grateful for that.

So every time he woke up from another nightmare and silently debated whether he was really as brave as he thought he was, he remembered James, and he thanked God that they were friends, and they he would always have him by his side.

 

It was a warm, sunny day, probably the last one for many months. The sun, slightly too bright, was shining on the busy and bustling Hogwarts, and it smelled of the beginning of autumn, that fresh, sweet-and-bitter scent that no other time of year could produce. Younger students were outside, enjoying the fresh air and chatting within the many swirling leaves, which _crunch_ ed pleasantly when stepped on. Older students, such as Lily Evans, Marlene McKinnon, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, were spending their Saturday inside, in the library, as one does when one has more-or-less half a dozen essays to finish.

At least, if they’re sensible. Which Sirius was not.

“I’m _bored_ ,” he said for what must have been the hundredth time. “Let’s go do something.”

“We _are_ doing something,” said Remus calmly. “We’re finishing our homework so we’ll have tomorrow to ourselves, while you will be sitting and attempting to do this work, that we’ve been doing for three days, in about five hours.”

“Something interesting, then,” he amended. He turned his concentration on Lily now, who was in the middle of explaining something to Marlene. “Lily, _you_ could do something with me.”

She ignored him. “It’s very simple, really, just a chemical law – _what_ , Sirius?” she said irritably, when he started waving his hands in front of her face and making really, _really_ strange sounds. “Why are you bothering me?”

“Because I’m bored,” he said for the hundredth-and-first time.

“Well – what about Potter?” Marlene asked hesitantly. Lily glanced at her, but didn’t say anything, as thankfully, Sirius apparently hadn’t noticed Lily’s eyes.

“He’s in the pitch,” he was saying. “Apparently, Quidditch Captains have to schedule practices every once in a while.”

“Funny, how that is,” agreed Remus sarcastically, glancing up from his parchment. “I wouldn’t have believed it myself, if it weren’t for the compelling evidence James had brought up before me.” He rolled his eyes and stood, explaining that he had to search for a book in the shelves. He said the title of it, too, but Sirius Ignored that part.

“What about Mary?” piped Peter. He had been very silent so far, but apparently this was important to ask.

Sirius sighed. “Alas, we have an arrangement.” He didn’t elaborate on the arrangement, and nobody asked. Eventually, he gave up, stood, and just as Remus came back with a book that looked as though it was as heavy as a fridge (not that Sirius knew what a fridge was), he announced that he was leaving. “I will find my entertainment elsewhere,” he said, and left the library.

He probably just didn’t notice Madam Buchanan’s stare. He wouldn’t have ignored the librarian, of course.

 

“Done,” sighed Lily some three hours (and a bit) later. “Slughorn is killing me, I swear. And all of this Ancient Runes stuff - ” she sighed again. “I don’t understand why we have to get so much _work_. I’d just like to sleep.”

“There’s still daylight outside,” remarked Peter. “We could still enjoy the last hour of sunlight before we have to lock ourselves back inside.”

The four of them agreed that this was a good idea, and after they packed their books and bags, they made their way down the steps to the Entrance Hall.

“What is that?” asked Remus. It was the sound of many people, shouting, jeering… cheering? Lily and he exchanged what everyone else liked to call “prefect-look”s, and ran towards the crowd. “Make way, make way, prefects coming through!” he yelled, though only very few bothered to make any room at all. Finally, both prefects managed to reach the middle of the crowd, where, unsurprisingly, stood Sirius, and where _very_ surprisingly, stood also Regulus, his brother. They were standing in dueling positions, though it seemed that neither had actually placed a hex or cast a spell.

“You COWARD!” Regulus was yelling. “YOU DARE MAKE JOKES OVER HER BROKEN HEART!”

“How many times DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!” Sirius shouted in return. “SHE DIDN’T HAVE A HEART TO BREAK! – and that house elf, too – “ he began.

“DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK ABOUT KREACHER, YOU – YOU – YOU BLOOD TRAITOR – YOU FIFLTHY COWARD!” Regulus was in tears, but it seemed that only Lily had noticed so far. “YOU BROKE MOTHER’S HEART WHEN YOU LEFT AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE!”

Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Lily yelled: “ENOUGH!” and as Lily had quite a lot of experience yelling, her voice tended to carry quite a bit. Sirius blinked and stared around him, evidently unaware of the crowd that had formed around his brother and himself until this very instant, eventually focusing on Lily; Regulus simply looked at the ground. “Both of you – Sirius, I cannot believe you, and I intend to talk to McGonagall about this. Being bored doesn’t mean dueling in the Entrance Hall! And Regulus – I don’t know you, but this will reach Professor Slughorn as well.” She looked at Remus helplessly, but he just shrugged. “And – uh – you both receive detention. Your heads of houses can decide when and where they’ll take place once I tell them. That’s it, I guess.” She looked at Remus again, this time pointing discretely at the crowd.

“Okay, everyone!” he yelled. “There’s nothing to see here, so just – just move along.” He continued to say similar things for a few minutes, making sure nobody stayed there – including Regulus, who could be heard mumbling various curse words. Then he turned around and stared at Sirius.

“Let’s just go outside,” suggested Peter. “Let’s calm down and go outside.”

“I think I’m going upstairs, actually,” said Remus quietly. He wasn’t looking at anybody, and instead, similarly to Regulus only five minutes ago, was staring at the ground beneath him. And then he turned around and went back, up the stairs that led to the seventh floor.

“No, don’t – “ he said feebly, but it was too late. Remus was already gone.

 

There were many speculations as to why, in the name of Merlin, was the straight-laced Remus Lupin part of such a group as the Marauders. There was slightly less speculation, yet still a significant amount, surrounding Peter Pettigrew’s involvement in the Marauders.

Peter never doubted his place within the Marauder circle for a second. He was the glue – and though he wasn’t a genius, he had a heart, and was often in charge of reconciliation between the teenage boys, who being both teenaged and boys, tended to come to blows every once in a while. Sure, there was last year, where he had been a bit of a dweeb and James had been a bit of a – well, a piece of shit, and Sirius was still a piece of shit, but there would always be room for a heart in the Marauders, and as long as he fulfilled that role, took that place, he would always have Moony, Padfoot and Prongs.

And that was all the home he needed.

He didn’t need his mother, who was never actually _home_ and was always busy either fretting over something at work or fretting over him; he didn’t need his father, who was long gone before he could remember himself; he didn’t need his aunt, who came to visit once every two years and expected him to love her, adore her, simply because she brought gifts. The Marauders were his real home.

They had to be.

 

“Hey, Peter, are you okay?”

Peter had always liked Lily. Even before James was infatuated with her, when they were just classmates and she used to help him find his way because he always forgot it, he liked her. She was just kind, and trusting, and he couldn’t help it – she brought a smile to his face. He could never be sad when he saw Lily Evans smile. And now, her kind features were in a worried frown.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he smiled at her, trying to look as if everything _was_. “Listen, I think I’m going to go up to the dorms for a moment.”

“Okay,” she said, blinking as she looked at the setting sun. “See you at dinner, I ‘sppose?”

Peter nodded, slowly making his way up to the castle. He was looking left and right nervously as he took the familiar path, wishing it were darker so he could simply morph into a rat and sneak up – but then again, he didn’t want to leave his books and unfinished essay behind, so that wasn’t an option anyway. Maybe it was better that it wasn’t dark yet.

He glanced back at his chatting friends, regretting leaving them for a moment, but he needed some space. His mind was elsewhere, and he didn’t want to burden them with his presence.

He took a couple of short cuts that bypassed some of the more crowded hallways, ensuring that he would encounter less people on his way to Gryffindor Tower. He was thinking of the upcoming Halloween, wondering what the Feast would be like, now that Frank was Head Boy – he liked how every year the Feast was a little bit different, and he liked Frank, and Peter hoped that Frank could be creative with the decorations, but he didn’t think he would. He climbed the last staircase, finding himself on the seventh floor, about five minutes from the Tower. He had walked much faster than he’d realized; he’d meant to take his time, but he was all too used to hurrying when he was alone.

Eventually he was climbing through the portrait hole (password: “Maggots”) and hoping to get five minutes to himself. He wanted to rest by the fire, maybe – but no, there was Remus, scribbling profusely on a piece of parchment, and he opted, instead, to climb the staircase to the dorm.

 

Remus was not, as it may have been logical to presume, studying; he was in fact, writing, then rewriting, then rewriting again, a letter he had intended to send already yesterday.

 _Dear Natalie_ , the current version of the letter read, _I’ve been thinking over your last letter. So firstly, yes – I do think of you. And quite a lot. There was a party – anyway, I was thinking of you. And yes, I wish we could see each other, but I just don’t think my headmaster would let me leave in order to meet with a – a pen-pal. Of any sort._

_Secondly, your birthday is coming up soon, isn’t it? Well, we’re allowed to go to the village nearby every once in a while and the next visit is right after Halloween_

_, and I intend to get you a birthday present then. It might be a bit late, so I’m sorry – but I just thought you should know, that yes, I am thinking about your birthday. Again. Yeah._

_Thirdly, shit shit shit shit shit shit_

Remus shook his head and crumpled up the piece of paper, tossing it into the fire. As it went up in flames, he remembered his anger wasn’t actually directed towards Natalie. In fact, it was directed towards Sirius, who was being such an _idiot_ , and he wished he could just yell at him – but he couldn’t. He couldn’t, because what if Sirius never spoke to him again if he said what was really really on his mind? And once he began, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop…

The full moon had been last week, and it had only been bearable thanks to his friends. He couldn’t lose them. But sometimes he got so _angry_. Angry at James’ smugness, at Sirius’ idiocy, at Peter’s agreeableness – as if none of them really had a mind of their own. But they were his friends, and he had never really had friends before them, and he was sure that if they left, then he would never have friends again.

They were all he had.

_Dear Natalie..._

 

James hadn’t been on a real date in a year and five months, give or take a few weeks. He hadn’t liked anyone enough to _go_ on a real date for that long – well, except for Lily, that is, but she never accepted his advances. He’d had a number of – _encounters_ with the fairer sex, but he had always, every single time, been so drunk he could barely remember the _encounter_ , and he never felt anything later – both sides had understood that whatever had happened was a one-time thing, never to be repeated or spoken of again.

Then came Marlene. And Marlene was shy, and sweet, and a friend of Lily’s, and he hadn’t really expected to feel anything for anyone other than Lily for a long, long time. True, he was trying to get over her – but it hadn’t been really working, so far.

He didn’t know what to do. James Potter was at a complete loss. He had no idea what to do.

Marlene McKinnon. Ignoring the fact that he lived with her twin, he didn’t really know much about her. She was kind, known as a trust-worthy character, and rarely, if ever, said something rude or mean. She reminded him of Lily, in that regard – only Lily would usually say quite a lot of rude and mean things when it came to him, and Marlene had no exceptions for this rule, as far as he could tell. She wanted to be a Healer – for some reason or another, that information had stuck with him ever since he started eavesdropping on Lily’s conversations years ago, only to stop last September when she cursed him repeatedly every time she caught him – and she was no good at Potions, something he had only noticed these past couple of weeks, when he essentially swapped watching Lily for watching Marlene during classes. She would need to get better if she wanted to be a Healer, of course, but that was another matter.

Marlene. He’d been watching her, thinking, constantly thinking.

Perhaps soon he would come to a decision.

Now, there was dinner.


	11. Of a Night to Remember and Alcohol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Lily and Sirius are friends now. Mary and Tally fought. The Marauders are a thing. Lily, Dorcas, and Marlene are good friends. Marlene and James kissed at a party about a month ago. Mary and Sirius have an “agreement”.

Chapter 10

_Or_

Of a Night to Remember and Alcohol

 

(One month ago)

“Sirius,” said a shaky voice behind him. Sirius had been marveling at this – well, marvelous party, but at the sound of his name he turned around and nearly spilled his drink. That rarely happened to him, as he never, ever lost his cool, but seeing a drunk Mary was something one never really expected to see, nor was anyone ever truly prepared for it. Because drunk Mary was _nothing_ like normal Mary.

For one, Mary never cried in front of other people.

She was holding the arm of a Hufflepuff Sirius did not recognize, but whom was gazing at Sirius fearfully, and so Sirius assumed he had hexed him at one point or another. She seemed to have been in tears for quite a while, because her makeup had been smeared all over. Her bottom lip was quivering, and she stared at Sirius as if expecting him to do something about it.

“Sorry mate, but – um – I think I’ll take her off your hands,” said Sirius, reaching for Mary, realizing she was practically depending on the Hufflepuff for support. “If you don’t mind.”

The Hufflepuff took one look at Mary, one look at Sirius, and then nodded. He let go of Mary – had to pull himself away from her, actually – and walked away, slowly, hesitantly, then assuredly. Sirius, in the meantime, carried Mary to the nearest chair, shooing away a couple who were sitting there, preoccupied with each other. “Are you okay?” he murmured, placing her gently in the chair and leaning on the armrest.

“I’m fine,” Mary said. “I’m just fine. Everything’s so fine. I have never been more fine – fine – fine – _fine_. Marlene’s fine, James’ fine, Tally’s fine… And I’m drinking my weight in cheap alcohol.”

“Most of the stuff we put here is not cheap, actually – “ Sirius began, only to be interrupted by the sobs of Mary, which were getting louder and louder. _Maybe I should get her somewhere more secluded_ , he thought, but she continued her ramblings like she didn’t really care about what was going on around her. She probably didn’t, if she had really drunk her weight in alcohol.

“You know, the whole thing was stupid,” she said. “We never should’ve fought. I don’t even like you that much. God knows what Lily sees in you – but then again, we don’t talk much. You’re just a really, really good snog. I don’t want to _see_ you – to go steady, or whatever, but I liked snogging you. I didn’t mean – I knew, and I didn’t know, and I hoped – anyway. That’s done, though. And now – “ And through all of that, she was still crying. Sirius wondered how she was so coherent, anyway. “And Tally had been my only real friend here. Like, I think Marlene’s nice enough, but Dorcas is rude and Lily has her nose in the air all the time, and you should hear them gossip – “ Sirius didn’t bother telling her that he had heard _her_ gossip, and it wasn’t pretty – “and Tally was my best friend. But now we’re not friends, and I’m torn between not liking you and wanting to snog you.”

“Then how about we – we make some agreement?” he offered, mostly hoping to calm her down. “We snog, no attachments involved – in fact, unless we have to, we never really speak with each other. All we do is snog – maybe more, if you’d want that – “ she made a face and he hurried to add, “but only if you want to, of course. And we could see other people. Like, nothing personal, but I don’t particularly adore your judgmental side either.”

“I don’t think that anyone else in the castle could say that without getting slapped, at least twice,” she said quietly, her sobs quieting and calming down. “But – “

“But?”

“If I remember this when I wake up tomorrow,” she said, her voice only slightly slurring – _how much experience does she have drinking, exactly?_ he thought – as she looked up at him. “If I remember this, I will give you an answer.”

 

(Tonight, the night of Halloween)

“Frank and Hayley really did a great job, didn’t they?” Lily whispered to Alice as they walked into the Great Hall for the Halloween Feast. This year, not only were there pumpkins hanging everywhere, but also images of ghouls and extremely life-like ghosts shimmering, still as – well, as dead bodies.

“Yes, they did,” she said, half-distracted by Frank himself, who was sitting at the far end of the Gryffindor table, looking very much proud and presentable. The Head Boy had definitely done a marvelous job, and Alice was visibly anxious to go – uh, congratulate him for a job well done.

“Go,” Lily said playfully. “I can see Sirius and Dorcas over there, I’ll talk to you later.”

Lily made her way slowly to her two friends, taking her time to watch the many creative decorations floating about the Hall. As she grew closer, she heard snippets of their conversation, something about Whiskey, but they quickly shut up when she grew near. “What’s up?” she asked cheerfully, pretending not to have noticed their sudden silence. “Aren’t the decorations lovely?”

“We’re throwing a party after the feast and you should come,” said Dorcas. Sirius glared at her, but she shrugged it off. “She would’ve found out about it anyway. I mean, six people, five of them friends of hers, disappearing suddenly? Lily’s too clever for that. You’re too clever for that, right?” Dorcas was looking at Lily pointedly, as if saying, _if you say no, I will make a filet out of your skin_.

“Yeah, I would’ve figured something was up,” Lily said, noticing Marlene and Peter were walking towards them. “So, who are the six people who are invited – well, four, beside you two?”

“Marlene, Peter, James and Remus,” said Sirius dutifully. “Frankly, we’re hoping to get James and Marlene drunk enough to snog and Remus drunk enough to forget that he’s having trouble communicating with his girlfriend. We’re thinking of inviting Dan and Cameron, maybe even Mary – but I’m against Mary. I don’t want to be next to her when she’s drunk, not ever again,” he added to Dorcas.

“When’s the last time you saw Mary drunk?” Marlene said calmly as she took a place next to Dorcas. Peter sat next to Sirius, across Lily; Lily wished that Marlene had sat next to her, because James was making his way towards them, and she didn’t want to sit next him anymore than she wanted to talk to him. Being friends with Sirius and Peter and not just Remus has turned out to be hard work on her part.

“The night you snogged James,” he said hurriedly. “And let’s not mention anything about that right now. Hi James,” he said loudly as James sat down, thankfully, next to Peter, as far away from Marlene as he could get. “What do _you_ think on the topic of inviting Mary to the party tonight?”

“So we’re not keeping it a secret from Evans anymore, then?” he said calmly – everyone was acting just a bit too calm in this conversation, Lily noticed – “Well, I don’t really care one way or the other, as long as she doesn’t finish all of the Firewhiskey. We are running out, you know,” he added, looking sharply at the direction of Peter. Peter seemed to shrink in size as he mumbled an apology for something that was very unclear.

“We’ll get more next Hogsmeade weekend, which is only two weeks from now, you know,” said Sirius, just as the food appeared.

Everyone gathered food on their plates. Dorcas, Sirius, and James’ plates were all covered completely; Marlene, Lily and Peter’s not so much.

About fifteen minutes later, Marlene asked, rather suddenly, “Where’s Remus?”

Nobody knew the answer.

 

(One month ago)

Lily had done her best to work in her dormitory, but eventually the party had become much too loud, and she decided to give up studying for the evening and take a stroll through the castle. She debated whether she should visit the library or the owlery first, eventually deciding walking up the stairs and breathing in some fresh air while still technically being inside was a good idea. She made sure, once more, that the letter she wanted to send her parents was tucked safely into her pocket, and marched on.

Though the Hogwarts corridors were rarely particularly loud, except between classes, knowing that about half the school’s population was in Gryffindor tower right now made it seem even quieter. She could almost feel it in the air, in her bones…

And then she was climbing the stairs, and then she was in the owlery, and she was not alone. “Remus, what are you doing here?” she said. “Why aren’t you at the party?”

Remus, who was sitting on the floor, did not answer. Lily crouched down, half-sitting in the air next to him. “Are you okay?” When he looked up, Lily saw that he was in tears. Without even thinking about it, she hugged him, and he let himself melt.

The sound of his sobs echoed that night through the empty halls, but no one heard except for them.

 

(Tonight, the night of Halloween)

_Dear Remus,_

_I think we should stop corresponding. ~~I know that~~ I really enjoy ~~our~~ this, but I think – well, I think I ~~have a~~ met someone, and since you can never visit anyway, this felt sort of – detached, and I really – well._

_I’m sorry._

_Natalie_

 

“What a bitch,” said Sirius, throwing the letter to James, who skimmed it and said, “Such a goddamn bitch.”

Remus couldn’t help but nod, despite not completely agreeing. “I just – did I do something wrong? I mean, her last letter was so – she seemed _fine_. Sort of. I just don’t understand what happened. I really liked her,” he finished gloomily.

“It’s simple, Mate,” said Sirius, plopping himself down on the floor next to Remus, who had his head leaning against the cold stone wall of the Astronomy Tower. “She’s a bitch. Not worth your time.”

“But – “

“I got the chocolate,” announced Peter, his face slightly red. He handed it to Remus and said, “Go on, it’s all for you. Everyone else will be here shortly,” he said, glancing around the empty Astronomy tower. “Mary, as far as I can gather, is not coming. They couldn’t find her. And Dan and Cameron already have plans. But the girls _are_ bringing alcohol. Well, more alcohol.” He produced, seemingly from nowhere, a bottle of Firewhiskey, handing it to Sirius.

“Cheers,” said Sirius, but before he could get even a drop inside him, Remus grabbed the bottle and jugged it down.

“I hope you didn’t just bring the one,” he said, his gloomy expression still, uncharacteristically, clear on his face.. “Because I wouldn’t get drunk enough on just that.”

Peter shrugged, and pulled out two more bottles from the bag. James cheered.

 

They had stopped looking for Mary and were well on their way to the Tower by the time she showed up, miraculously, in front of the lot. She’d simply wandered out of a classroom in front of them, and suddenly, and then they were all in the Astronomy Tower. Lily couldn’t recall exactly how they’d persuaded her to come; she remembered that Mary was visibly sniffling, but no one really said anything about it.

At the present moment, however, she was sitting next to a melancholy Remus and a quiet-as-a-mouse Peter (when Sirius came up with that, he laughed like a lunatic for some unknown reason), and Dorcas was babbling over something or another that had annoyed her. Many things annoyed Dorcas; Lily had long learned to tune her out for the simple sake of their friendship, though she often felt guilty about it. Sirius and Mary were snogging – at least she wasn’t crying anymore – and James and Marlene were talking quietly in a faraway corner, so that no one would listen in.

“So much for a party,” Dorcas eventually said, sarcasm practically dripping from her voice.

In front of their eyes, James and Marlene started kissing as well. Lily grabbed a bottle and took a swig. _I guess that means they’ve sorted out – whatever was stopping them from dating_ , she thought gloomily. _I guess they’re dating now._

“It’s like a love fest in here,” said Remus moodily, interrupting her thoughts. “It’s gross.”

Dorcas nodded in agreement and grabbed another Firewhiskey, taking a very large swig. “Lucky there’s all this alcohol,” she said.

“Are you okay?” Lily asked gently, meaning Remus, of course. All three who were sitting beside her shook their heads. “I meant Remus,” she said, taking another swig of the Firewhiskey.

“Remus got dumped,” Peter said helpfully. Noticing Remus’ glare, he asked defensively, “What?”

“By who?” asked Dorcas.

Peter said, “A Muggle he met over the summer.”

“Her letters were getting shorter lately, less personal,” mused Remus. “I had a feeling that something was wrong… I just didn’t know what to do about it. And now…” He sighed.

“You’ve been dumped,” supplied Dorcas. Remus nodded.

They all took a turn at drinking at that. The sweet burn of the Firewhiskey hit their throat, and they all shivered suddenly, as if the world had become ten degrees colder out of nowhere. Lily lay on her back and stared at the ceiling for a moment in this deep, depressing silence, before saying, “You know – my thoughts, that is, _I_ keep going back to Mrs. – Mrs. What’s-her-face – Mrs. Hitchens. Constantly. There’s a reason why she’s here.”

“Yeah, there is,” says Remus. “It’d be nice if we had any clue to what it was.” He gulped down some more of the Firewhiskey, then scooted closer to Lily. “Dorcas, got any thoughts?”

“I’m thinking Death Eaters, obviously,” she said. “Pass it here.” When Remus passed it, and after she sipped a bit, she said. “They’re threatening Hogwarts is my theory. Now – they’ve been threatening it for at least three years, but have you been paying attention to the newspapers?”

“Yeah,” said Peter. “There’s nothing.”

“Exactly,” said Lily, realizing what Dorcas means. “There’s been absolutely nothing. Which means – whatever’s going on – “

“It’s getting so bad, they can’t afford the public knowing anymore,” completed Remus.

Lily sighed and sat up. “I am so not drunk enough for this.”

“You know what I realized just now, though,” said Peter as she was getting the second bottle, left forgotten behind her. “Mulciber’s been especially vicious lately.”

“He’s always been vicious,” said Dorcas.

“No, I mean,” he began, struggling to find the right words in his slightly tipsy state. “I mean – he’s been so nasty, and he’s been hanging around a lot of seventh and fifth years he never hung out with before. And they’re all – I mean, they all come from families who support You Know Who – and I think – “

“How do you notice this stuff?” interrupted Dorcas.

“I notice things, alright?” said Peter, looking annoyed. “Now will you let me finish my theory?”

“You’re saying that he’s – Voldemort that is – is recruiting within the school?” asked Lily.

Peter nodded.

“I’m _definitely_ not drunk enough for this,” she concluded, and took a swig of the Firewhiskey.

“Right now,” said Remus truthfully, “I’m just hoping to drink so much I forget completely about this night.”


	12. Of a Hogsmeade Weekend and Friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Marlene and James are getting it on, Mary and Sirius are getting it on, and Alice and Frank are a thing. Now that James has stopped asking Lily out constantly and isn’t being an asshole all the time, Lily doesn’t seem to mind his presence as much, though she hasn’t really spoken to him yet.

Chapter 11

_Or_

Of a Hogsmeade Weekend and Friendship

 

Summer had been gone for quite a while when the first Hogsmeade weekend came along, and the memory of Halloween was, thankfully, fading. Lily worked extra hard to finish all of her homework so she could be free to hang out with Alice and Frank, something she hadn’t done properly since last year. Alice had been on vacation in Egypt for the entire summer, and Lily never really hung out with Frank without Alice, so it simply didn’t work. But as she didn’t really care what Tally was doing, Dorcas had planned on using the quiet sleep and then catch up on some work, Marlene was planning to go on a date with her newfound boyfriend, and Mary – whom they were hanging out with a lot more lately – was going to spend time with Sirius – apparently making out while drunk had not been part of the agreement, and they were rethinking the whole dating thing – she really had _no choice_ but to hang out with her slightly neglected friends.

Thank God.

The morning of the Hogsmeade weekend she woke early, though by no means on purpose. The three of them weren’t meeting until noon, so she found herself deciding to walk around Hogwarts grounds alone. She noticed the Quidditch pitch was being used, and remembered the first match is scheduled for the week after next. But as she grew closer, she realized there was only one player actually on the field: None other than James Potter, of course.

_He really is a bloody good flier_ , she thought, sitting in the stands.

Rather suddenly, James turned to her, and for some reason, it surprised her that he noticed her; it shouldn’t have, but she had found herself in a daydream, not really thinking of anything in particular, just watching him fly.

“What’s going on, Evans?” James yelled as he got closer to her. He then landed right near her and took off his headgear, so his hair looked even more wild than it usually was. “I’d think you’d be in bed,” he said, his tone accusing.

“Woke up early, so I took a stroll. And I’d think the same about you,” she said.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged. “Decided to get some solo practice in before the big game. Only two weeks away – I’d have scheduled a practice anyway if it weren’t for the Hogsmeade weekend.”

She shrugged. She didn’t ask why he couldn’t sleep.

James Potter was a strange creature, one she hadn’t cared to examine this close before. She’d always shied away from him, escaped him as quickly as she could. James Potter was a dangerous creature she couldn’t afford to talk to in a civil manner – before today, before the past few weeks,  before what happened with Severus all those months ago. She’d been delaying this conversation for as long as she could, but one of her best friends was dating him, and she couldn’t, after giving them her “blessing”, keep things hostile with him. It simply made no sense. And so she knew she had to talk to him – but she never did.

And now he was in front of her, and she really had no excuse anymore. They were alone, and there was literally nothing else for her to do – she had finished every single piece of homework they had received from the professors that week, practiced every spell until she mastered it,  worked on every essay until she had no more words left in her.

“So,” she said somewhat awkwardly. “You’re a good flier.”

James took a step back and placed a hand on his chest, as if his heart stopped beating from faux-shock. “Evans, have you just given me a _compliment_?” he said, sarcasm practically dripping from his voice. “I thought you were incapable of doing such an act.”

“Shut up, Potter,” she said, blushing. “I was trying to be civil.”

He grinned. “That’s more like the Evans I know and love.”

_More like despise_ , she said. That had been the only explanation she could come up with for the last five years, and it stuck with her: he must have either hated her or wanted her in the most childish way possible. And as James Potter couldn’t have wanted her, considering the cold shoulder he’d been giving her since term started, he must hate her.

“… But you know what I mean,” he continued. “Anyway, you enjoy flying?”

“Not particularly,” she said. “I’m terrible at it. Prefer to swim, any day.”

“Really?” he said, and muttered something to himself as she nodded.

“Huh?” she asked. “I didn’t catch that.”

He grinned. She was really getting sick of his constant smiling, like he didn’t have a care in this world. But he was _James Potter_ , and that meant something, and that something was that he didn’t worry about anything. He just breezed through anything and everything.

James Potter was the most frustrating thing in her life.

“Nothing,” he said finally, slumping his shoulders and running a hand through his hair. “Hey, I’m gonna walk back to school. You wanna walk with me?”

Though she felt that she had definitely managed to fulfill her friendship-mandated quota, she found herself saying “Yes.” She didn’t know why; it just sort of slipped out, and then it was too late. She couldn’t change her mind without seeming rude, and the whole point of this conversation was to be civil.

And that’s how Lily Evans found herself walking back up to the castle with James Potter, and they weren’t even fighting. They were just walking, in silence, actually, and in a pleasant pace.

It was about five minutes to the castle when James said one last thing. “It’s going to be a nice day,” he said, looking skyward. And then they said nothing else, until, finally, they went their separate ways.

He wasn’t wrong.

 

“Alice! Frank! Wait up!”

It wasn’t, as Alice had been expecting, Lily. Lily, who was never late, was now at least fifteen minutes late. Instead, Marlene was the one running towards her, her once-again growing blonde hair swinging slightly from side to side, like a scene from a movie. Though neither of them knew what a movie was, of course.

“Marlene!” said Frank, surprised. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have a date with James?”

“Yeah,” said Marlene, breathless. “It’s just – Lily told me to tell you – she’s going to – to be late. She said – “ she tried to regulate her breathing. “Sorry, I ran here so I wouldn’t be late _too_ – uh, she said that you should – you should go on without her, and she’ll meet you in – in - in Honeydukes.” She exhaled loudly, and added, “Do I look decent? This is our first real date, you know.”

“You look beautiful,” assured her Alice. “Go on, dazzle him.”

And Marlene left, leaving the confused couple behind her. Alice had never, as far as she could remember, witnessed Lily being late before; neither had she ever seen someone quite so nervous before, at least as far as she could remember, and she stood there for a second, feeling slightly sorry for Marlene. Then she remembered how _she_ felt on _her_ first date with Frank, and realized, maybe she did remember someone being that nervous. She only hoped it work out with James, for everyone’s, not just Marlene’s sake; the poor girl was so full of life, it would be a shame for –

“You ready to go?” asked Frank, tugging on her arm.

“Yeah,” she said, a smile tugging at the edge of her lips. “Let’s go.”

Lily did, in fact, join them in Honeydukes shortly, explaining that she had woken up early and then fallen asleep again. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. Repeatedly.

Lily Evans was never late. Never. Not even fashionably. She found it to be inexcusable.

“C’mon,” she said when they left Honeydukes with bags of sugar and chocolate. “Let’s go get a Butterbeer.”

 

“I’m glad you didn’t want to go to Madame Puddifoot’s,” said James as they walked into the packed Three Broomsticks at last. “I hate that place.”

“Me too,” confessed Marlene. “It’s so sticky. Gross. _Pink_.” She shuddered.

James laughed and said, “Choose us a place to sit. Private is preferable of course.” He grinned. “I’ll get us something to drink. Butterbeer okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, and started scanning the room for an empty, preferably small table.

“Marlene,” said a voice on her right. It was Mary speaking, sitting next to Sirius. Neither looked like they were enjoying their time together particularly, and Sirius looked rather focused on his nails.

“Mary, hi,” she smiled. “I can’t find a seat for James and myself – can I sit here?”

Mary nodded, a little too enthusiastically. “How’s your date going?” she asked as Marlene cleared a couple of chairs, deeming them fit for human butts to sit on them.

“Quite good, actually,” said Marlene. “After years of being best friends with Lily, you sort of get used to thinking of him as the devil. He’s sort of okay, though. I mean – I wouldn’t be dating him if I didn’t _like_ him, but I didn’t know how it would be -- being on an actual _date_ with him. How’s – well, how’s yours?”

“Awful,” said Sirius.

“Black!” said Mary. “Not true!”

“Oh, yes it is,” he said bitterly. “ _MacDonald_. You’re a great snog – fantastic, actually – but we just don’t _fit_ together. We don’t have anything in common. I’m not relationship material, as I’ve said before, and we’ve been sitting here for an hour, doing nothing but glare at each other and wish we were somewhere else. I’m glad you’re enjoying your date with my best mate,” he said to Marlene, “but I’m not going to spend another minute with Mary if it doesn’t involve snogging – or more. So I’ll see you – I guess – but I’m going now. Hi, James,” he said, as James had finally made his way back from Madam Rosmerta, just in time to see Sirius leave.

“What just happened?” asked James, sitting down next to Marlene.

“I think I just got dumped,” said Mary.

James winced. “Sorry, he’s an ass.”

“Yes, he is,” Mary said. “But he’s a damn good snog, and we really already knew it wasn’t going to work. I’m going to go to the loo, so – “

“Oh, I’ll come with,” piped Marlene. “I’m sorry, James, I’ll be right back.”

“Oh, okay,” said James, looking down at his Butterbeer. “I’ll just wait here then.”

 

Sirius Black was, at times, a bit like a hurricane, in the sense that anything that came in his path was sucked into him. Lily was like him in that regard, in a way: but while people were drawn mainly to her kindness, people couldn’t help but be affected by whatever and whichever mood Sirius was in. He was just simply too charismatic, too much of a natural phenomenon, to be ignored. And so, when he walked straight into Frank, looking as if the world had personally wronged him, Lily, Alice and Frank couldn’t help but all feel like somebody had ruined Christmas.

“Sirius, is everything okay?” asked Frank, looking worried. “You – “

“Bad date,” he grunted. “Really bad. I need to spend money on unnecessary things that are actually for _me_.” He marched on.

Frank looked at Lily and Alice, then behind him, at Sirius. Then back at Alice, then back at Sirius. “I can’t just leave him alone in that sort of state,” he said. “And I mean, he doesn’t have an inheritance anymore, he can’t afford spending money on unnecessary things in the first place.”

“Go,” said Lily. “He’s my friend as much as he is yours. I’m worried about him.”

Frank nodded, and just as he leaned in to give Alice a forehead kiss, she said, “I’ll come with you. You could use back up.” Alice blushed, but Lily understood.

“It’s okay,” she said, hiding her disappointment. “You know what – I’ll just sit with Mary while I have that Butterbeer. She’s probably alone and annoyed as hell, knowing Sirius.”

Alice and Frank nodded gratefully, and without another word, dispatched to find Sirius, and Lily walked into The Three Broomsticks.

She couldn’t locate Mary. She found James within two seconds, though. His hair was such a mess, she couldn’t have possibly missed it.

“Where’s Marlene?” she asked.

He turned so fast, he practically heated up the air around him. “In the girl’s loo,” he blurted. “Why – uh, Marlene said you were out with Frank and Alice?”

She nodded. “I was, but Sirius distracted us, and they split – to see if they can help. I trust you know why he’s in such a foul mood,” she said in a questioning tone, raising one eyebrow.

“They – Mary and he – fought,” he said simply. “Bad date. Are you going to sit down?”

“Uh – yeah. I’ll just wait for Mary, then.”

They sat there, even more uncomfortable than Mary and Sirius before them, silent. They sat there. And sat there. And then ten minutes had passed, and neither Marlene nor Mary had returned from the loo.

Instead, a woman neither James nor Lily could identify came up to them. “Are you James Potter?” she asked.

“Yes?” James sounded hesitant and looked as confused as Lily felt.

“Two girls – well, _one_ girl – asked me to tell you – well, your date has fallen on her head, and the two of them are currently on the way to the castle to get some treatment. I happened to be there at the time – the floor _was_ slippery, but perhaps your date should have been more careful? In any case, she said that you would probably want to come with, but that they’re already gone – and my, it took me over five minutes to find you in this crowd, so they’re definitely already gone – and that she’s sure that your date would want you to just keep on with your day and come visit later. And that’s what I had to say.” The talkative woman disappeared, not before Lily said a faint “thanks”, and James started gathering his things.

“I better go after them,” he was saying. “You can have the Butterbeer, if you want; nobody’s touched them yet.”

“I actually agree with the strange lady, Potter,” said Lily. “I mean, Marlene really can handle a couple of _unconscious_ hours without you. And she has Mary, too.”

“Oh,” said James. “Are you sure – “

“Just sit down already, James,” she sighed.

“You just called me James,” he said, a grin tugging at the end of his lips.

“No I didn’t,” she said. “I said Potter. I always call you Potter.”

James finally let the smile cover his features, take over the concerned parts in him. “Are you sure Marlene’s going to be alright?”

“Positive. And we can both go visit her later, anyway.”

James nodded and sat down, pulling the chair closer to her. “Yeah, alright then. Want a Butterbeer?”

 

“So, Evans,” said James a short while later. “If the end of the world came now, who, in this room, would you kill, and why?”

“Well, that’s a cheerful way to start a conversation,” she said and sipped on her Butterbeer. "Besides, what does killing people have to do with the end of the world?"

“Does it have to make sense? Answer it anyway.”

“You,” was the quick response.

“Except for me.”

“That guy,” she said after a thought, pointing at a slightly obese man. “He’s staring at a bunch of third year girls, and I don’t like the way he’s doing it.”

“Okay,” said James in a tone suggesting otherwise. “Poor guy, though. You don’t even know his name – he might just be staring into space… thinking about his girlfriend… and he might not even be a pedophile. In fact, he might be gay.”

“He might be,” she agreed. “But I’m going to choose him anyway, just in case he is. Your turn.”

“So now _I_ have to choose who to kill?”

“Yes.”

“Except for you?”

Lily smiled. “Except for me.”

James’ eyes scanned the room. During the half hour they had been here, it had cleared up considerably. There were the aforementioned group of third years and the slightly obese man drinking alone; two women gossiping over a purple drink; a group of five twenty-or-so-year-olds, which consisted of three men (a blond wearing a Muggle suit and two dark-haired wizards) and two women (a redhead and a brunette) – as he looked at them, two of them high-fived; and another group of Hogwarts students, which seemed to consist of Hufflepuffs and Slytherins, not an uncommon occurrence.

“That one,” he said, pointing in the general direction of the suited blond. “The one wearing Muggle clothing. He bugs me. Why is he wearing that in the only all-wizard town in Britain? Seems a little ridiculous, doesn’t it.”

Lily laughed. “He looks rather sharp, in my opinion.”

“Oh, so I guess we should all change from sensible wear to that Muggle rubbish?”

“Hey, I _like_ the so-called ‘Muggle rubbish’. I _love_ pants, and robes are just too long sometimes.” She laughed. “You know, in Egypt don’t wear them – wizards don’t wear robes, that is. It’s just too much for the desert. They wear more modern clothing, traditionally.” She winced. “That sentence was _bad_. Traditionally modern? Talk about oxymoron.”

“Were we talking about oxymorons?” asked James.

“Do you know what an oxymoron _is_?” replied Lily.

James huffed. “Of _course_ I do. All I did for years when I was home was read.”

“Oh,” said Lily. “I thought you had a family?”

“Yeah,” James nodded. “But no young relatives, at least, not around my age. _Technically_ , Sirius is my third or fourth cousin – but we don’t talk to Dorea, she believes in the whole anti-Muggle propaganda – in fact the Potters and the Blacks never _really_ got along, but because we’re both _purebloods_ ,” he said with a look of disdain, “we have some ties here and there.”

“Oh,” said Lily. She didn’t like where this was going.

“But of course, nobody cares about that shit anyway,” said James bitterly. “As long as you’re pureblood, it doesn’t matter right now if you’re talking to a branch in the family or not. As long as you’re not a blood traitor or ‘worse’…” His tone made it clear he didn’t consider being a blood traitor or anything “worse” to actually be bad. "If we make the wrong move, the entire wizard community could turn against us."

“Yeah, I wonder what it’s like, being hated,” Lily wondered aloud. “Being careful about every move. I wonder.”

James’ hazel eyes bore into her, and she had to fight not to claw his eyes out. What was he looking for? “Exactly my point,” he said. "Nobody should have to live like that."

Lily blushed and looked down at her Butterbeer. "I've been thinking…"

"Yeah?" he said, his expression betraying nothing.

"Things are hard," she said, changing her mind as she spoke. "Times, and stuff. But you – you, and Sirius, and Peter and Remus – you guys make it slightly more bearable."

"What are you saying?" he asked clearly, still expressing nothing – not amusement, not condescension, nothing.

Lily took a sip from her drink and took her time swallowing it, remembering somewhat fondly a trick they had pulled on McGonagall last week. "Just that – your pranks haven't been that awful lately. I still don't support it –"

But it was too late. James had broken into a wide grin and started waving his hands in the air, crying out: "LILY EVANS SAID SHE LIKES PRANKS!" Once he felt she had been embarrassed enough, he calmed down once more, relaxing his hands on the table, dangerously near her hands. She refused to move them; it was a matter of principle. He eventually leaned back, and his hands went with him.

"So," he said. "What made you admit it?"

"Just trying to be nice." She shrugged a chill off as the door opened behind her, letting both wind and people in. "I miss the summer."

"Why summer?" he winced.

"Didn't you have Sirius over? I thought you would have loved it!" Lily exclaimed.

"I did," he said. "I also sorta hated it. Try living with him for over a month. You'll figure it out."

Lily chuckled, and took another sip out of her drink, silently fighting the urge to ask him anything more – she didn't want to be _friends_ with him. She wanted to be _friendly_ with him. But then he surprised her – though really it shouldn't have – with a question. No, a request.

"Wanna go to Dervish and Bangs? I haven't been there today yet."

And really, the most surprising thing – though really, she shouldn't have been surprised at all – was that she said: "Sure, why not."

 

The first thing Marlene saw when she woke up was very white.

It happened to be the ceiling, but Marlene hadn't figured that one out yet.

"Marlene? Oh, thank God," said a familiar voice to her right. With some effort, she looked at the speaker. The brunette looked familiar… oh, it's Mary. Makes sense, they were just talking –

Why the bloody Hell was she in the Hospital Wing?

"What – " she began, but was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey, who rushed towards her.

"How are you feeling? Does your head hurt? Can you feel your fingers? What about your toes?"

"What about them?" she asked irritably, trying to sit up. Madam Pomfrey kept pushing her back down. "Yes, I'm fine. What happened?"

Both the caretaker and Mary hesitated, but the latter eventually said, "You fell. Hit your head pretty badly – a woman down in the village helped us, and then I brought you here. Don’t you remember?"

"The village…" she murmured. “I think I remember…”

"Yeah, we were in The Three Broomsticks – "

"I remember… JAMES!" Marlene cried. "I left James alone, he's probably worried – "

"It's fine," assured her Mary. "Really, like really. I made sure he found out, before we came up here. I bet he's worrying his head off – or at least, most guys would, I don’t really know what or how _Potter_ will react – but he'll be to see you later."

"You should rest," added Madam Pomfrey. "It's good you don't have that Potter here – your blood pressure would go through the roof! The boy can't keep still for a second!" Both of the teenage girls chuckled, and Madam Pomfrey said, "MacDonald, you have another ten minutes before you _must_ go – Ms. McKinnon must rest. Soon."

Then she was gone, and Mary and Marlene both burst out laughing, for no reason at all.

 

“You know, it wasn’t too terrible hanging out with you today.” James kicked a pebble down the path.

“You too,” Lily admitted. She had been surprised, but she really shouldn't have.

There was a short silence and she contemplated whether to say something. It was a hard decision – she wasn’t sure she even wanted to hear his reply. It could ruin everything that happened today – and it was such a _good_ day, too. Marlene hitting her head was terrible, of course, but except for that…

“Why did you ignore me these past months?” she blurted. The words fell out of her, like an uncontrollable mess, one she had just made up her mind not to make.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he said, running his hand through his hair nervously. “Because… because I didn’t know how to apologize.”

“Apologize?” she said, surprise ringing in the cool air, though it shouldn’t have.

“Yeah, no need – well, actually, there probably is a need for surprise, now that I think of it.” He sighed. “I need to apologize – for being an asshole basically since we met. But I was afraid. I was – well, I was thinking of last year, on the train – “

“Sorry about that,“ she interrupted.

“Yeah, me too,” he said. “It's just – I mean, asking you out like that all the time, and the like… I mean, it’s not like you were the nicest person when turning me down – “ she made a face – “but I should have still apologized sooner. And truth is – “ he sighed. “I was a little bit jealous of Sirius, too. Like you’d chosen him over me.”

“That’s ridiculous!” she exclaimed. “Sirius was forced upon me – he forced himself upon me – we were forced upon each other. There was no choice in the matter at all.”

He grinned. “I know, I know. But I still felt that way.” He kicked another pebble, and there was a short pause, before Lily said, slowly, “Yeah, well, after today… I’m willing to choose both of you.”

James’ grin became impossibly wide in an impossibly short amount of time. “Does this mean that we’re friends now? Are we friends now?”

She nodded. She’d been doing it a lot today, and her neck was beginning to hurt. “Yeah. Friends.”

 

And so Lily Evans changed her mind about James Potter for the first time – but don’t be fooled. This is just the beginning, the very beginning, of their story.

We haven’t gotten to the juicy parts yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite possibly my favorite chapter I have written thus far (currently working on chapter 25). It is far from the best I have ever written, but I love it anyway. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.


	13. Of Friends who need to eat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Marlene, Lily and Dorcas are hanging out with Mary more often than they used to.

Chapter 12

_Or_

Of Friends Who Need to Eat

 

It was getting harder to sleep with Dorcas staying up later and later each night. Her little light never really went off nowadays, and it was driving everyone crazy. Tally was the first to complain, of course. Nobody really cared about Tally anymore – Mary, the only one who had ever really given mind to her, became temporarily deaf whenever Tally spoke and was spoken about during the past few weeks, which was better than struggling with tears, at least. But she had a point, and eventually even ever-patient Marlene had taken a turn at suggesting to Dorcas to go to sleep earlier tonight. Nothing seemed to work, however; Dorcas hadn’t gone to be before two A.M. in weeks.

It was true that Dorcas was taking considerably more classes than any other girl in the dorm, except Lily who took only one class less than her, and that it was their first N.E.W.T. year, and it was true that their workload was ridiculous and that Dorcas had always worked harder than any of them, except perhaps, again, for Lily. But that should not have led to this behavior; it was bad enough when she quit the Quidditch team last year for the sole purpose of studying, but this was becoming an obsessive _shtick_ , and everyone – yes, even Tally – was becoming worried about her all-nighters, her forgetfulness, and her unwillingness to go downstairs for meals. She barely spoke anymore, writing essays triple the intended length and surviving on meals brought up to her by Mary, mostly, who had shown an unexpected empathic, helpful side. Marlene was dating James, even though their first date had been a disaster, and Lily was busying herself with her own classes, though she wasn’t acting as worryingly as Dorcas was, so they were both extremely thankful for the introduction of Mary into their lives; at last there was someone who always remembered to bring up dinner, and insisted that Dorcas come down to breakfast. But even when Dorcas deigned herself worthy to be in their presence, she barely uttered a word, instead keeping her eyes glued to her food and her mouth shut.

Frankly, everyone was getting sick of it.

 

“Dorcas not coming down this time, too?” sighed Lily, looking up at Mary who joined them for breakfast at last. “I wish I knew why she refuses to speak to us…”

“Even in class,” said Marlene, but everything on this topic had already been said. After this short exchange of words, they remained silent. The hall was buzzing around them, apparently unaware of the awkwardness in the air, the stuffiness in knowing that something was wrong with Dorcas Meadowes, something she refused to talk about with anyone…

“I just wish she would talk to me,” said Lily suddenly, completing a line of conversation which only existed in her head. “I mean, every time I talk to her she basically says she’s too busy for me. I can’t seem to get across to her at all.”

“To who?” asked Sirius as he sat down next to Lily and started picking on the food on her plate.

“Dorcas – get away from my plate, Black, you have no rights to it!” Lily protested, trying to push him away and failing. “There is plenty of food, you don’t need to – “

“What’s wrong with Meadowes?” he asked, now chewing on Lily’s piece of toast. “True, last time I saw her was like, a week ago, but she seemed fine at the time.” He continued to ignore Lily’s protests as he grabbed a fork and tried to reach her eggs, trying, and failing, to suppress a grin. “Is she alright?”

“She’s fine,” said Mary, rather disdainfully, as Lily had resorted to hitting Sirius rather childishly, and Sirius was still eating Lily’s food. “She’s just… really busy with homework and stuff.”

“Doesn’t Lily take the same classes as Dorcas? I don’t see _her_ skipping every breakfast for a week,” Sirius said, taking a break from trying to evade Lily in order to wave at an approaching James, but consequently was pushed off the chair and onto the ground behind the two, causing Lily to grin triumphantly as Marlene burst into giggles. James couldn’t help smiling as well as he helped him up, but ended up sitting between Lily and Sirius, presumably to avoid any more squabbling.

“Maybe I should, if you’ll keep stealing my food,” Lily muttered.

James smiled at Marlene. “Morning, Marlene, everyone. Actually, Evans takes one class less than Dorcas,” said James knowingly. “Why are you discussing Meadowes’ schedule?” He started to load food onto his plate, formerly Sirius’ plate. No one questioned how he knew Lily’s schedule.

“Because she hasn’t come down to breakfast, or any other meal actually, for almost a week and a half now, and we thought it would stop by now,” said Mary, taking a bite of a very green apple.

“Of course it hasn’t stopped by now, all we’ve done is encourage her behavior!” cried Lily. “We’ve _got_ to do something about this.”

Mary blinked blankly at Lily, then said, “When have we _encouraged her behavior_?” in a tone so incredulous, that Lily was actually doubting her own words.

“Well – uh – we haven’t said anything to her, and we keep feeding her! If she was hungry, she’d – “

“She’d starve, and you know it,” said Mary pointedly. “I’ve been bringing her food and dragging her down here, and believe me, she knows we don’t like it. She just doesn’t care, or she’s too busy to care.”

“Or she’s avoiding you guys,” suggested Sirius quietly, then jumped suddenly and yelled “Ow!”

“Marlene,” said James hastily, “I’ll walk you to Transfiguration?”

Marlene nodded and they took off. Lily’s gaze inexplicably lingered on them, before she flushed and said, “I should make my way to class too. See you guys there.”

Sirius nodded and Mary humph’ed. The two ate in silence, not speaking to each other, before Sirius stood, excused himself, and practically ran out the hall. Mary then gathered some food and walked away herself.

 

“Okay, Dorcas, enough,” said Lily as she stood in the doorway, essentially blocking Dorcas from leaving the classroom. It was the end of Defense, and luckily, Professor McMillian and the rest of the class had cleared the room quickly, while Dorcas had not. Lily wasn’t the only one to stay behind; Marlene did too. Mary stayed, mostly for moral support – she felt that if Dorcas didn’t want to talk about something, the best thing to do was let her come to them with the problem in her own time. Lily and Marlene, to put it lightly, disagreed.

“What are you talking about?” asked Dorcas. Her voice sounded cracked and unused, even like she hadn’t been drinking enough water. “Why aren’t you letting me through?”

“You’re hiding something from us, Dorcas,” Lily said, playing with her hair in a way she only did when she was dealing with something serious. “Marlene and I – and Mary too – are just worried about you. You’re barely eating, all you’re doing is studying…”

“Lily, we have Ancient Runes after this, we can’t miss it – _I_ can’t miss it,” Dorcas insisted, her voice breaking even more. It seemed as though she was barely holding together. Marlene took a hesitant step towards her, tapped her shoulder, and asked tentatively, “Dorcas – are you alright?”

Dorcas broke down crying, leaning on Marlene’s shoulder as sobs ran through her. She was shaking. Lily couldn’t remember ever seeing Dorcas crying so hard; she’d seen her ranting, mad – she’d seen her full of glee – but she’d never seen her cry, not really. Not like this. Lily and Mary both ran towards her to pull her into a deep hug, each hoping somehow to cure all ills in her life with a simple embrace.

“What’s going on, Dorcas?” Marlene asked, her voice sincere and kind, as always. _Perhaps that’s what broke Dorcas_ , Lily thought. _Marlene’s kindness_.

“I – I got a letter from my parents,” she said slowly, slowly calming down. Dorcas took time to open, sometimes, and Lily had accepted that before approaching this conversation. They sat down, all of them – apparently, there wasn’t another Defense class now, which was lucky indeed – and waited patiently for Dorcas to continue. She took a deep breath, and started speaking freely, in a way she probably hasn’t expressed herself for a long time. “You guys know that I’m a pure-blood. We’re not part of the families listed in – well, we’re a relatively new line. And my parents… they want to be – be accepted.” She said this as if she wanted to throw up from the mere thought. “They wrote me – they told me to stay away from you guys. And I couldn’t – I couldn’t face you guys – “

“You guys?” Marlene said, stony faced.

“Lily and you,” Dorcas said, tears running down her cheeks once again. “I need to stay away from you guys. They threatened to pull me out of Hogwarts, and I couldn’t do that – I couldn’t not be here.”

“Of course, we get it – “ Lily began, but was interrupted by Dorcas once again.

“No, you don’t _understand_ ,” she said. But then she didn’t say anything, and Lily and Marlene understood at once.

“You don’t – “ said Lily, but she was once again interrupted.

Marlene was not nearly as delicate as she seemed, as it turned out. She shouted for a while, yelled, screamed, and then took Lily’s hand and dragged her out of the classroom, murmuring to herself about _bigots_ and _fucking purebloods_. It seemed Marlene, despite being a pureblood herself, was more insulted on Mary and Lily’s behalf than Mary and Lily were.

Lily and Marlene didn’t speak to Dorcas after that. Mary didn’t know what to do, having just formed a relationship with them, but eventually joined them. Dorcas was left alone, and to be frank, she deserved it. But Christmas was coming along, and that’s a time of forgiveness. Right?

 


	14. Of Ties Undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Dorcas basically says that she can’t be friends with Muggleborns anymore, but Marlene – who’s a pure-blood – is the angriest. James and Lily are friends now. Voldemort threatens the whole Wizarding World; Hogwarts has its own Auror, Mrs. Hitchens.

Chapter 13

_Or_

Of Ties Undone

 

There were two new signs on the message board on Thursday morning.

The first read,

 

_APPARITION LESSONS_

_If you are seventeen years of age, or will turn seventeen on or before the 31 st August next, you are eligible for a twelve-week course of Apparition Lessons from a Ministry of Magic Apparition instructor. Please sign below if you would like to participate. Cost: 12 Galleons._

 

“Oh, goodie, I’ve been waiting for them to announce them – though I thought they usually announce them after Christmas and New Year’s,” said Dan Fletcher in response to the sign, and Cameron made sounds of approval.

But there was also another sign hanging on the board, this one slightly more disturbing, and to the older students, even shocking.

 

_ATTENTION **ALL STUDENTS**_

_In response to new Ministry safety regulations, those unable to reach the Great Hall within fifteen minutes of an Emergency must instead head to one of a number new **safe-rooms** , the locations of which will be given to you by the head of your house. Until further notice, if anything suspicious happens in your vicinity, inform a prefect and then head for the nearest safe-room._

 

“Lily, did you know about this?” asked James, who happened to be standing near her. She shook her head and added nothing else. She meant to ask him why he thought she would, but he promptly disappeared, and when she turned around, James was huddled up with an upset-looking Marlene. _Match made in heaven_ , she thought. Pure _love – pure-bloods in love_.

She kicked herself mentally for thinking that, and made her way through the crowd to the exit from the common-room.

Ever since Dorcas, Lily found herself thinking about the blood-status of everyone around her. It was a little hard not to, especially since it seemed their little group was falling apart. Marlene and James’s relationship was progressing slowly, but surely; Mary was never really a part of their little group in the first place; and Lily – well, Lily didn’t really know what to do with herself anymore. She tried talking to Mary, but it was hard. All she could see was a looming sign hanging over the both of them, saying **these two are Muggleborn** , and the only thing she wanted to do was get away from it. Mary looked hurt whenever this happened; she suspected that she knew what was happening, but Lily couldn’t help it. Hanging out with Mary was not an option.

And of course, with Marlene drifting away and Dorcas not being anything anymore (she couldn’t even remember properly when was the last time she heard Dorcas speak in class, let alone to another human being), Lily was left to watch and learn. She had taken to watch Sirius.

Sirius was a good choice, because he rarely did depressing things. Everything he did seemed either comical or classy; when he caught her staring, all he did was wink; and he never stopped being her friend. Sirius was loyal like that. Despite the fact that she was being standoffish and outright mean sometimes, he continued to try and make her laugh, and they would sit and have the longest conversations about the silliest things.

She was going to miss him when she stopped talking to James.

It was becoming clear that she and Potter being friends was impossible. They never talked about anything; all he did was hang out with Marlene and his three best friends anyway. When he was hanging out with his friends he was getting into trouble and when he was hanging out with Marlene he was getting _her_ into trouble, and Lily just couldn’t stand for that. True, Sirius was similar, but at least he wasn’t getting Mary (who, she suspected, he was still seeing on and off) into trouble.

She knew that Sirius was loyal, and she wasn’t going to make him choose between her and James – no, Potter, she had to start thinking of him as Potter. So when _Potter_ and she stopped talking – which will happen soon, she was sure of it – she was going to choose for him.

Merlin, she was going to miss him.

She missed all of them.

But right now, she had classes to worry about.

 

It was their most boring History of Magic class yet. Lily could have sworn that there had never, ever, been a less interesting class taught by Mr. Binns, but of course, it could have been that she simply could concentrate even less than usual.

_Everything okay, Evans?_

It was a note signed by both Sirius and James, short and to the point. She didn’t know whether she wanted to respond to it or not; she reckoned they would share whatever it was she wrote with each other, no matter who she addressed it to, and so she didn’t want to say something personal (because then Potter might see it) nor something bland (which would leave Black wondering about what’s going on). She was thinking over the options, considering the implications of each and every one.

_I need to talk to Potter. When is he available?_

The answer came almost immediately. It actually hit the side of her neck, instead of landing on the desk; she grimaced at both of them (she hadn’t seen who’d thrown it), then glanced down at the paper. _Twelve minutes after dinner starts in greenhouse two,_ it said in the same hand-writing as the first note. She should probably figure out to which boy it belonged – actually, no, she shouldn’t. She wasn’t talking to either of them ever again starting a few hours from now, so it didn’t really matter who made those ridiculously twirling _G_ ’s and surprisingly round _A_ ’s. She wondered, instead, who came up with the idea of the whole thing happening exactly twelve minutes after dinner starts. It made sense in a way that Sirius would have, what with his off-beat sense of humor; however, it was James’ schedule, after all.

She glanced to her left, nodded, and then looked back at the board.

 

It was a little upsetting that she only had twelve minutes to eat dinner, because after the long day she just had, she was absolutely starving. She sat down next to Marlene because she didn’t particularly want to sit next to people she didn’t know, but the two didn’t speak. In fact, Cameron was there, and the two were speaking in hushed tones – but she could still hear quite a lot of it.

“I just don’t want to – I mean, I live with her,” Marlene murmured, glancing up and down the table as she spoke. Lily served herself some soup as loudly as she could.

“I know,” Cam said, pausing for a second to take a sip of pumpkin juice. “But I still think that – “

“Yeah, I know what you think,” Marlene muttered angrily. “I just want her to – “

“To what? She can’t exactly leave Hogwarts. Her parents – “

“Her parents are the reason for this entire mess. I’m just afraid that this is a symptom – “

Lily slurped loudly, trying very hard to not hear anything. She debated silently moving up or down the table, and decided against it; she only had about four minutes left.

“She was just – she has some misguided ways, but - she’s alone now, you know – “ It seemed as though Cam was incapable of making one, single, coherent sentence. Lily started humming an old tune she couldn’t really place, but was catchy nonetheless.

“Well, she was friends with me, so she really should have known better – “

Suddenly the two of them were very silent.

“Have you told – “

“No, I haven’t. But she was my best friend – Lily’s best friend, soon Mary’s friend – and I just – “

“Marlene,” Cameron sighed. “Forgiving her won’t hurt you. She’s the one who was left behind now, you know.”

“You go and be friends with her, if you feel so sorry for her _misguided ways_. She’s been nothing more than a bleeding racist, and after what happened – “ Marlene reddened suddenly, and the conversation died out.

Which was really too bad, because Lily had to go to the greenhouses anyway now. She packed her things, stuffed some bread in her mouth, and ran out of the Hall, arriving at the greenhouse exactly a minute before her allotted time. She snuck into the greenhouse, and, looking around, saw that James Potter hadn’t arrived yet. She, however, was never late, and so she simply sat down and chewed on her bread happily, dreaming of the piles of chicken still lying in the Great Hall, and maybe, when she’s done here, if she still has any appetite, there will still be some left…

“Why are you sitting on the floor?” asked James, plopping down beside her. “I mean…”

“I didn’t want to sit on anything that might eat me,” she replied. “And I’m hungry. Might I ask why we’re in greenhouse two, anyway? And why exactly – “

“Shhh,” said James. “I think it should happen any second now.”

“What should happen?” asked Lily curiously, following his gaze out the small window to their left. There was someone getting close… Was that –

“Mrs. Fiona Hitchens,” said James. “The better half of the Hitchens duo, with the other being her husband and head of the Floo Network, Kalvin. I know, awful name, right? Anyway, my resources tell me that – yes, here he comes – Merlin, that eye is marvelous – “

“Is that – Mad-Eye-Moody?” Lily whispered in awe. “Marlene told me about him once – Dorcas thinks that he’s ama– “ she choked for a second, but quickly recovered. “Anyway. What is he doing here?”

James looked at her funny. “He’s head of the Auror department. Hitchens’ an Auror. What do you think?” Lily blushed, and they both quieted and began listening. Lily felt funny, having listened to two conversations she wasn’t supposed to hear within fifteen minutes.

“What’s your update?” Moody’s voice was exactly what she expected it to be, gruff, tough, and low, as if he didn’t much care for talking. Mad-Eye-Moody was a doer; everyone knew that. “Did you find anything out about Malfoy’s connection?”

“Sadly, no, sir,” said Hitchens. Oddly enough, Lily had never actually heard her speak before; her voice was far deeper than she had expected it to be. “There is definitely a ring of some Slytherin boys who are suspicious indeed, especially that boy, Nikolai Mulciber. He’s vicious, and very often is heard making… remarks. And last year – “

“I know about the McDonald incident,” said Moody. “Regrettable… Regrettable… And the wolf?” Lily saw James glancing in her directions, but chose not react.

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” said Hitchens. “He hangs out with some trouble-makers, but except for harmless pranks, they’re clean. One of them – “

“Again, I do believe I know who he hangs around, having this information delivered to me personally by Dumbledore,” said Moody. “Why he wants you here, I only hope to find out – “

“But in the meantime, I’ll stand my post and do the best I can, I know,” Hitchens sighed.

“Stay vigilant,” said Moody.

The two walked away, and James and Lily both looked at each other at the exact time. Lily noticed just how close they were, so close, and their noses almost touched – but there were important things to be said and discussed. That was a very interesting conversation they just heard. She pulled away, rubbing her temples. “My head hurts,” she mumbled.

“I wonder why they met here,” he muttered to himself. “I knew they would because I saw – I mean, in absolutely mysterious ways I figured it out. But I don’t understand why…”

“Potter,” Lily said. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Right,” he said, absent-minded. “But don’t you have any ideas?”

Lily thought for a moment. “Well, Hogwarts is impenetrable, isn’t it? I mean, it’s got a million defenses, you can’t Apparate from or to here,” she reasoned. “Not to mention he – Moody – seemed familiar with Professor Dumbledore. Wouldn’t it be a reason to meet here? That he wanted to meet with the Professor?”

“I guess so,” James sighed. “C’mon, let’s walk back to the castle, I’m getting cold.”

 

It was indeed getting cold. It had rained a few times this week already, and each time the downpour was stronger than the last time. Lily was sure that within the week it would snow – and Christmas was getting nearer, too. The wind smacked her face repeatedly, and she wondered what the hell she was doing.

_Why am I walking up the hill with James Potter? Why haven’t I told him yet? What am I going – how am I going to tell him? Shit, shit, shit –_

“Penny for your thoughts?” James asked, attempting to kick a pebble up the muddy path. It didn’t move. Lily snickered, and he tried again, with a different pebble. It seemed to be less stuck to the ground, because it hopped up and hit his knee. He yelped, but otherwise handled it well.

“Are you okay?” Lily laughed.

“Aw, you worry about me,” he teased, and she immediately stopped laughing.

They were now wandering the halls. Lily was reminded of her patrol routine with Remus, only instead of trying to find occupied classrooms (and emptying them), they were searching for the opposite. Her friendship with Remus was nothing like her friendship with James; it occurred to her it would now be severely limited, too, maybe even more so than when they had just started talking to each other. They had never been friends until they started patrolling; perhaps that would be the state again. Perhaps they would have even _less_ contact than that.

“Here’s one,” James said. It was an unused, unlocked classroom, that had a skeleton in it. Lily wondered what they had used it for, if it was ever in use.

She took a deep breath, and walked in.

 

It took a while, but sometime after James left, Sirius walked in to the classroom. She knew he was there. She didn’t say anything. He stood behind her for fifteen minutes at least, just quietly standing, and not moving, or saying anything. She waited for him to speak; she knew he would, because that’s just who he was. She was right. “Why are you doing this?” he said, and he didn’t even sound hurt, which made it that much worse.

“Because I have to,” she whispered. “And I know that he’s your best friend, so I’m not going to – “

“To what? Make me choose?” He let out that laugh of his that was really more of a bark, and sat down next to her. For the first time, they made eye contact, and she noticed that he really was handsome. It was an odd thing to notice, as she had known he was handsome before – but somehow everything else had been more important before now. But his eyes were enchanting, and she began to understand what Mary saw in him.

“I can’t make you choose,” she said.

“You don’t have to,” he said. “James understands. We – uh – well, he’s sort of the bigger person when it comes to you, you know. You can be quite selfish at times, and he’s been – “

“What?” she said, looking at Sirius sharply. He raised his hands in a defeated manner.

“I was just saying, I mean, you’re nice and all, but sometimes I reckon you could really – look around you, appreciate what you’ve got. I had to – “ he gulped. “I had to do some drastic things – go through some major changes before I figured that one out. And it’s almost Christmas too, and you know that shite about forgiveness just as much as I do. But I figured my stuff out now, so it’s you that has to do the – whatever.”

“What happened? Are you talking about the – “ her eyes widened. “The incident with Sev- Snape?”

“I can’t really tell you about that, you know,” he mumbled. “Secrets that aren’t my own.”

“I know that Remus is a werewolf, Black,” she sighed, waiting for the inevitable –

“WHAT?”

This was probably the biggest bomb she could have dropped on him, and she knew it. She hadn’t considered it fully, really, but she should’ve delivered it better, or something like that. Instead she just – had to deal with the consequences. _You’re an idiot, Lily._

“It wasn’t that hard to figure out, especially after all the – “ she stopped talking abruptly, looking flushed. “Severus – Snape – he had some theories. And we have patrol together you know, so I sort of notice when he’s replaced exactly every full moon, plus _Moony_ , and then after the – Well, it wasn’t hard to piece things together.”

“Oh,” said Sirius. “So you’ve been acting dumb for what – almost a year?” Lily nodded. “Oh.”

She imagined it was quite a shock for him; it was a shock for her to find out too, though he merely found out that she knew that Remus was a werewolf while she actually found out that Remus was a werewolf. She wondered how long _he’d_ known. All three of them, she supposed. She let it stay quiet until she couldn’t take it anymore. She nudged him. “So you can tell me the stupid story? I mean – anything could make me feel better right now.”

“Oh, yeah, alright,” said Sirius, running a hand through his hair in a very James-like fashion. “Blimey, Evans, you never cease to surprise me.” He grinned, pulled Lily close to him – she snuggled up to him, and he smelled vaguely of the dinner that she skipped. “Story time, love.

“It all started with my mum, of course.”


	15. Of Old Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Flashbacks!

Chapter 14

_or_

Of Old Mistakes

 

(Part 1)

“I’m so, so sorry, Sirius,” said James, sitting down next to him on the bed. “At least she’s still alive, though.”

“She ran away,” he said, and though they could all tell he was faking it, he tried to sound unaffected. “With a Muggleborn, and now I won’t be able to see her. She’ll be gone from my life. I won’t see her _ever again_ as far as my mother’s concerned. You’ve read the letter.”

“Sirius,” sighed Remus, leaning on the bedframe and trying his best to find something to say, something that could make this better, somehow. Andromeda was one of the only two relatives Sirius could stand, and his uncle Alphard was so old, he wasn’t much in the way of conversation. And as long as he lived in that house – something he had no control over, at least for the next couple years – he wouldn’t be able to see her. Communication via letters was probably still an option, but they’d have to be careful, something Remus knew very well Sirius struggled with. “You’ll be alright,” he said finally. “Your mother doesn’t control every aspect of your life.”

“Cheer up, Padfoot,” said James. “Moony’s right. You’ll see her again. And in the meantime, there’s always owl post, and besides – “

“Tomorrow’s the full moon,” supplied Peter helpfully. “That’s always fun.” Remus glared at him and Peter hurried to add, “you know what I mean. We get to let loose a little bit. I didn’t mean – “

“I know what you mean,” said Remus, interrupting Peter’s ramble. “I can’t – I mean, I hate to admit it, but Wormtail’s right. Tomorrow’s the full moon. We’ve – I mean, the plan is pretty cool – and I think that – “ Remus blushed, still struggling for words. He was still torn about the whole thing. Having them accompany him – it was odd, dangerous, wrong – yet it was also amazing.

“Yeah, tomorrow’s the full moon,” Sirius said, grinning suddenly. “You know what? You guys go ahead to class. I’ll see you later.”

And unsuspecting, they did, unfazed by his sudden cheerfulness. Sirius was known for his mood swings.

 

Sirius was not known for being late. It’s true, every once in a while he was tardy – especially before potions, which had become a tradition after a while, and Slughorn was rather forgiving. It was as if they both relished in the attention. But he always arrived only a minute or two late, never anything serious, and he was never late for a full-moon before.

“Moony, it’s fine, just – go. We’ll join you once he arrives.”

Remus could see the worriedness on James’ face. Something was wrong. But he also had a point, and Remus really did need to get to the Shack before nightfall.

“Later, guys,” he said, waving once in a polite, yet nonchalant, goodbye.

 

“Hello,” said a soft, hesitant, familiar voice.

It was morning. He could tell not because of the light, which was blinding, but because of the warmth that was enveloping him, the warmth that felt so _wrong_ , so out-of-place with his memories from last night.

_Last night._

He groaned at the pain of suddenly sitting up, his head dizzy, his stomach clawed more than usual – wait, were those scratches? _No_ , he realized. It all hit him at once, the smell, the curses, the frightened look of a boy with greasy hair…

But how did he get in? How did he know to –

Did he kill him? He didn’t remember killing him, but his memory was usually fuzzy immediately after waking up. No, wait, somebody else came and saved him – he looked familiar – his scent was familiar – James Potter had saved Severus Snape.

The realization hit him suddenly, painfully. _Who knew that would happen?_

“Moony, are you okay?” The voice – to his left, the voice was to his left – sounded even more concerned, smaller than it was a second ago, though still familiar. He struggled to find the right word to describe it - mousy. It was mousy. He blinked and saw that it was Peter, sweet, reliable Peter, sitting there by his side and he was so - so reliable, he was always there, every time he woke up, just like Padfoot and Prongs –

“Where are James and Sirius?” he said curtly. There was a gnawing sense in his stomach growing by the second, and it had to do with a hazy memory of Sirius being late and unclear sensation that something had gone so wrong, that James had to save Severus. “Where are James and Sirius?” he repeated, though less sharp than before. “What happened? Peter, _what happened_?”

Peter couldn’t seem to find any words. Remus had the odd vision of a rat running through a field of mouse traps, and almost had to suppress a giggle.

Now that his eyes didn’t hurt so much from the light, and his dizziness was slowly disappearing, Remus had the chance to look around. He found that as usual there was a veil between him and the rest of the world, but if he strained to hear, he could tell there was someone snoring nearby. Who was it? Snape, Snivellus, his friends’ enemy, or James, Prongs, his best friend?

Peter seemed to finally find his voice. “Padfoot – Sirius – he was angry, he told Snape how to get in – “

“That’s why he was late,” Remus said in a small, defeated voice, staring at his feet. “And James saved Snape, because – “

“Because what Sirius did was wrong in every way possible,” said James, seemingly appearing from nowhere. He sat down next to Peter – farther away from Remus than Peter was – and slumped his shoulders. “He wasn’t only going to kill Sniv – _Snape_ , that is – he was going to harm _you_ , too.”

“Sirius said he didn’t think of it,” said Peter, barely audible.

James snorted, but it wasn’t in amusement. “Exactly. He didn’t _think_. Imagine – “

“If I had even touched Snape, I wouldn’t be able to attend Hogwarts anymore – hell, I would be in jail by now,” Remus said. It had hit him suddenly, like a smack to the cheek, only more painful somehow, like his whole body was in agony. “And he – did he have an explanation? Did he have – did he have a _reason_?” On the verge of tears, his voice broke when he uttered the last word, as if he couldn’t take it anymore, as if –

As if one of the first real friends he had ever had turned out to have never been his friend at all.

 

_“Hey,” the dark haired boy had said. “I’m Sirius. You’re Remus, right? Did you think you’d be in Gryffindor?”_

_“No,” he’d managed to say, before –_

_“I’m James,” said the boy with the mess of hair and spectacles. “I knew I would, but Sirius thought that because all of his family was, he would be in Slytherin.” He made some disgusting noises, and the boy named Sirius roared in laughter. “So what did you think you would be in? What house, I mean?”_

_“Ravenclaw,” he said, shrugging. These two seemed intense, and he could barely believe he was going to share a dorm with them for the next_ seven years _. Blimey –_ he was going to Hogwarts _. Suddenly he couldn’t stop smiling, and the two boys glanced at each other with questioning looks. His grin wouldn’t go away, though – and neither would he. He would go to Hogwarts for the next seven years, and he would make it the best seven years of his life yet._

_“Mate, are you okay?” asked Sirius._

_“I’m happy,” Remus had answered._

_James and Sirius shared another look between them. James raised an eyebrow and Sirius shrugged, and Remus was sure they’d known each other all their lives because they had such a connection between them. Of course, later he would find out otherwise, but at the moment all he could see is that bond they had, almost like an electric current, and he thought he might get caught in it if he wasn’t careful._

_For the first time in his life he wasn’t careful. For the first time in his life, he was truly happy._

 

“What’s going to happen to Pa – to Sirius?” he asked.

James shrugged. “Dumbledore isn’t happy. He knew that we uh – he knew that we knew about you, of course, what with the Furry – “

 

_Furry Little Problem._

_That’s what James had started to call it._

_It was second year, the day after he came back to school, and his three friends – James, Sirius, and Peter – had cornered him in a classroom. Peter had been a recent addition to their little group, what with the fact that he never talked much with them, but Remus saw how lonely he always seemed, as small as a mouse, and convinced the other two to let him hang out with them, at least for a while. Peter turned out to be much cooler than they’d anticipated; James loved his attention to detail, and Sirius thought his helpful remarks and sarcastic remarks equally funny, and to be honest, Remus thought they were, too._

_“We know you’re a werewolf, mate,” said James suddenly._

_Remus remembered a very urgent need to puke at that very moment. His only friends._

_His_ only friends _, and he was about to lose them._

_“I’m sorry,” he said, bursting into tears. Sirius and James looked alarmed, and Peter darted to his side, trying to comfort him._

_“Are you okay?” Peter asked, his tone odd._

_“Yes – it’s just – aren’t you afraid to touch me?” he looked up at the other two. “Don’t you – don’t you think I’m a monster?”_

_Sirius burst into laughter. “Not really,” he said. “We think it’s awesome.”_

_“You – you what?”_

_“It’s awesome.”_

_“How did you figure it out?” he asked, looking expectantly at James and Sirius, who both looked sheepish at this._

_“Actually,” said Sirius. “Funny story, that.”_

_“I figured it out,” said Peter._

_Remus didn’t really know what to say. “How?”_

_“Well, I noticed that you disappeared every four weeks, more or less,” he shrugged. “I looked it up. You disappeared on nights of the full moon, each time. Then we followed you yesterday – I mean, the night before that, or whatever it was. And we saw – “_

_James interrupted. “Well, we saw you going into that tree, actually, and that’s all we saw, but we heard McGonagall and Pomfrey talking, and – “_

_“We took what we heard there to mean that Peter was right,” Sirius finished._

_“And you’re not afraid of me?” asked Remus in awe._

_James smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder. “No, Moony. I’m not afraid of your Little Furry Problem, and neither is Sirius or Peter. We like you. True, you have weird studying habits – “_

_“A fetish for chocolate – “ added Sirius, which prompted Peter to add:_

_“A surprisingly organized underwear drawer – “_

_“But,” James said, “we pretty much think you’re cool anyway. And you have an eye for things like Peter. No offence, mate, but Sirius and I had doubts about talking to you, and if it weren’t for Moony – “_

_“Moony?” asked Remus, a quizzical look spread across his features. “Who’s Moony?”_

_“You are,” Sirius said. “I think it fits, doesn’t it?”_

 

“Moony, are you okay?”

“Don’t call me that,” said Remus. “That’s my Marauder name. Sirius helped give me that name. I just can’t – I can’t right now.”

 

(Part 2)

“Sirius.”

His name hadn’t been uttered by someone that wasn’t a teacher for two months, almost. And even they mostly called him Black. Despite that, he didn’t need to turned around to know who was speaking to him.

“I didn’t think you’d ever speak to me again,” he murmured.

“Remus is the reason I’m here, not me.”

Sirius turned around so fast it was almost impossible to believe he made any movement at all; he was simply turned away from James one moment, and facing him the next.

“I shouldn’t have done it, and I’m so, sorry,” he said. “You know that, right?”

James sighed. “But you did it.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”

They were quiet for far too long.

“Remus wanted to say that he forgives you, but you need to give him some time.”

Sirius wanted to burst into tears of relief. He didn’t. “He does?” he choked. It was hard to get words out, suddenly.

“Yes. Peter agrees with him. And I…” James hesitated. “I miss you, mate. But I’m trying to understand, and I can’t. I can’t understand how you could so _easily_ betray him. Betray us, and what we are.”

“I would never do it again, you know,” he said quickly. “Not in a lifetime. And I didn’t think of it as a  betrayal. I didn’t think – “

“You didn’t think,” James said. Sirius nodded. “Well, you’ll need to give us all a little bit of time,” James concluded. “But… I think we’re almost ready.”

“Good luck with your exams,” Sirius said.

“Thanks,” James said. Then he laughed. “Wormtail’s brain-dead, you know, from all the studying. He’s taken to watching me do things instead of doing things himself. It’s a bit disturbing.” James frowned for a second, before shaking his head and adding, “But I’m sure he’ll get over it, eventually. In the meantime, I don’t see the harm of him clapping when I do cool things, right?”

“Yeah, right,” Sirius laughed.

Then, as if realizing very, very suddenly what was going on, they both turned around and walked away.

 

_It was a quiet night. Four boys had snuck down to the village for no reason other than they wanted to sneak down to the village, and now they were sneaking back up to the school for no reason whatsoever. The night was young, and so was the moon, which was shining over them in the shape of a toenail and in the color of cheese. An averagely proportioned boy with a smack of brown hair was looking very pointedly at the ground below him, and a chubby looking boy with non-descript features asked him if everything was okay. The first boy suggested that they all sit down, maybe enjoy the last of their Firewhiskey before they actually had to go back to their room._

_The only boy with glasses was very enthusiastic about this idea. He crashed to the ground dramatically – he did everything dramatically, from asking out the girl he liked to giving an essay in to Professor McGonagall – and sighed loudly. “Why do we waste our days and get wasted during our nights?” he mused, gulping from the bottle in his hand, the last one they had left from a stash of six they had hidden on the way to village in the beginning of that year._

_The final boy laughed loudly – it was a pleasant sound – and bent over, clutching his stomach. “Waste days… Wasted nights…” he laughed, so much harder than the joke warranted._

_The brown haired boy still looked thoughtful. He was saying something – it was slightly slurred, but comprehensible nonetheless._

_“I’m drunk, and I’m never going to say this again – “_

 

“Good morning, Sirius.”

Sirius shot up. He hadn’t heard that tired voice in what felt like a lifetime. “Good morning, Remus,” he said carefully.

Nothing else was said, though, and it was that no one looked at him at that very moment, because if they had, they might have been blinded by the dazzling light of his teeth.

 

“Ready for the Defense O.W.L?” asked Sirius.

“Yeah,” said James. He checked something in his pocket, then said, “C’mon, let’s head down to the Hall. I have a good feeling about this.”

“What, like you could fail?” laughed Peter. “I’m just worried I’ll forget something important that I should definitely know. Shit, I’m jinxing it, aren’t I?”

Remus nodded, though only semi-seriously. They all seemed to be in a great mood. It was going to be a great afternoon.

 

(Part 3)

“What do I do now?” Lily asked. Sirius’ body was warm, but she felt cold nonetheless. Whether it was the gory details of a story she had known very little about – and now regretted knowing – or simply the loneliness that stems from saying goodbye to someone when you don’t truly want to, the heat nevertheless was seeping out of her bones and leaving nothing but a shadow behind.

“You keep it in mind, I guess,” Sirius said, shrugging. “You do with it what you will. My lesson – what I took from that – is that friends are more important than enemies. But you could always think it over.”

“I think that’s what I’m going to do, Sirius,” she said in a small voice, soaking in the warmness of him and slowly, but surely, falling asleep. “I’m going to…”

She didn’t really know how he got her to her bed, but she was thankful for it nonetheless. Sirius was a great friend.


	16. Of Disruption to the Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Sirius has been given the choice to stop being friends with Lily after she decided to stop being friends with James, but instead he consoled her. Lily is no longer talking to any of her friends besides him; Marlene is hanging out with James and her brother, Cam, Dorcas was being a racist – a Pureblood supremacist – a whatever, and Mary was just never that close to her. There is a general lack of communication going around, but Cam is supporting a more forgiving approach towards everyone. Christmas is rolling around.

Chapter 15

_Or_

Of Disruption to the Quiet

 

“Aren’t you going to pack?” asked Sirius as he joined Lily next to the fireplace. “You’re not one for being late.”

“I won’t be late for the train if I pack later,” said Lily with mock stubbornness. “I can simply enjoy this last moment of relaxation before home, can’t I?” She made room for him on the couch, which had restricting but sufficient space, and he stuffed himself in beside her and grinned widely. He put his hand around her and they snuggled, their heat warming each other up. “You’re a great friend, Sirius.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m just amazing. Hard to resist. Fantastic, really.” His tone changed quickly, and he sounded worried as he said, “You gon’ be okay at home? I know your sister – “

“It’s going to be alright,” she said in an attempted shrug, blocked by his torso. “I’ll write to you if anything goes too badly, but – “

“Hey hey hey, you’re going to write to me anyway, okay? I mean – I’m going to be stuck here with James and Marlene, and they’re still in the honeymoon phase,” said Sirius quickly, making a very gross and annoying face. Annoying, because Lily could literally feel it through her hair, and she was slightly creeped out.

“I know,” she said, and she did. Marlene and James were pretty open and obvious about their relationship, and even when they weren’t hugging and kissing and holding hands, Marlene would smile and Lily would just know she wasn’t thinking of class or the person sitting in front of her (usually Cameron and not Lily, nowadays) but of James, or of something they did together, or of the way James’ hair was looking particularly –

Not that Lily would ever think of him that way, anyway, but she noticed Marlene, because she used to be her friend.

She wasn’t sure what they were anymore. They barely even talked, now.

“So you’re going to write?”

“Yes, MUM,” Lily laughed, and Sirius joined her, and then they couldn’t stop, and they were laughing. Laughing because they needed to, despite the fact that it really wasn’t that funny of a joke, despite the fact that not very much was funny right now. When they calmed down, she added, “And you better write, too. At least three times. And make it interesting. Don’t just give details of today’s gossip, though an update on that would be cool.”

Sirius snorted. “Right, because I’m the Gossip Queen or something.”

Lily grinned, and then said, “Speaking of… do the others – “

“No, they don’t, and until they need to know…”

Lily nodded, understanding. It wasn’t her business to know in the first place. Being able to share her knowledge of Remus’ lycanthropy with somebody, anybody, was refreshing and freeing, but that doesn’t mean she should have ever found out.

They lay there for a beat before Lily sighing and resigning herself to get up. “I’m gonna go get ready for tomorrow,” she explained, and Sirius nodded, understanding, and released her from the prison of his arms. She laughed at that odd thought – Sirius had very little to do with prison. Well, except for his trouble maker ways, but Lily believed he had a good head on his shoulders, and that when he got out of school he would do something good with his life.

“You go do that,” he said. “Right after you answer these riddles three…”

Lily laughed. “What are _these riddles three_ , exactly?” she asked, using her best deep voice.

“I’m going to change the first riddle, because seriously, what in the name of Merlin’s hairline did you think using that voice? Secondly, what is up with Petu- your sister’s mysterious romantic life? And thirdly, will you buy me some chocolate while you’re out there, because in the end when we went to Hogsmeade I only got a minimal amount and Remus has finished it off by now?”

Lily nudged him and replied in her deepest voice. “I’ll send you a Christmas present, don’t worry, along with detailed letters. And, uh, those weren’t riddles.” He grimaced, and she then waved a goodbye, something that said, _Seeya tomorrow,_ and walked up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory.

“So you’re like, best friends with Evans now?” asked Dan, joining Sirius by the fireplace, but not replacing Lily. He sat on the farthest away chair, a slightly more cushioned one which he’d always preferred, Sirius noticed. “What happened to the Marauders, mate?”

“We’re still best friends, of course, _mate_ ,” Sirius said. “I’m just also being friendly with another person. Amazing, how you can be friends with more than one person, I know.”

Dan frowned. “I just mean, James seems to barely hang out with you anymore, Remus got sick last week and went home a week early, and Peter… well,” he snickered, “he’s Peter.”

“What’s wrong with Peter?” demanded Sirius suddenly. “He’s one of my best mates, remember? He’s come up with some of our best ideas. Remember the corn prank? That was all him.” Sirius may have been slightly exaggerating on Peter’s role in the whole thing, but it had been the first thing that had come up in his mind, and he wasn’t about to back down.

“Woah, mate, sorry,” said Dan, raising his palms in defeat. “I just meant… I was just wondering if you and Evans – well, you know, now that James no longer fancies her – maybe you – “

“Do you notice that you use the term _I just meant_ very often and in very contradictory ways?” Sirius snapped. How _dare_ he? Lily and Sirius were not like that. There was not a doubt in his mind that she had no interest in him, and he definitely felt no affection for her that surpassed those of a friend. Right?

No, he definitely didn’t.

“Again, sorry,” said Dan. “I just… well, never mind. Have a merry Christmas, mate.”

“Merry Christmas,” Sirius said bitterly, glad for the end of this awkward conversation.

He’d never thought of Lily and his relationship until then. They’d just done what felt natural. And they did almost seem like duplicates of each other sometimes – opposite sides of the same coin. They had similar senses of humor, they tended to get overly upset over things that didn’t matter, and they reacted similarly to the same situations. One time when they were out last summer, they went to get some ice cream and encountered a stranger’s pet dog. They both crouched at the exact same time and reached for the exact same spot. They did that quite often. And they had no qualms over sharing space and food (well, he had no qualms over sharing food; she liked eating everything on her plate, claiming she “ _always took perfect portions_ ” and that he “ _always ruined her meal_ ”) and so they often hugged and cuddled and huddled together. The both of them had little understanding of personal space when it came to people they cared about and they both came from difficult, unaccepting backgrounds, and they were both brilliant, clever, and rather attractive, truth be told. And it may have seemed sometimes as if they were flirting – God knows that they acted as if they were a couple – but he had come, over the past six months, to regard her as more of a foster sister rather than anything else. They even shared complaints over annoying siblings, for Merlin’s sake.

But then again, he should have expected this.

He wondered where Mary was.

 

Dorcas wasn’t going home because it hurt even more than staying here.

People didn’t view it that way. And by people, she meant Marlene. Marlene seemed to think that Dorcas stayed for the sole purpose of torturing her, because the cold shoulder she had been giving her had turned into much more than just ignoring Dorcas and avoiding her in the hallways. Marlene was actively hissing at Dorcas and giving her the stink eye whenever she got too close.

But Dorcas was trying not to let it get to her. True, a larger than average sum of people were staying this Christmas – Dorcas had never stayed before, but Lily had, and she’d understood that it tended to be at most a couple dozen, while this year almost fifty students were staying at Hogwarts instead of hopping on that train ride home – but she hadn’t known that when signing on the list McGonagall had handed out a couple of weeks ago.

She didn’t bother going down to the station; there was no one there for her to see off. Instead, she grabbed her homework and went to work on it in the library, empty for the first time in weeks. The cold outside, apparently, stopped people from leaving the castle as often, and she had to deal with many instances when the library was full to the brim lately. The library was now, however, blissfully empty.

Or was for half an hour, at least, after which was when Cameron showed up to do _his_ homework in a library _he_ was probably sure was going to be an empty and distraction-free environment.

Dorcas sighed. This was going to be a frustrating holiday.

 

Sirius went to see Evans off, and for some reason that was just unfathomably funny for James. Ironic, maybe. It was odd, in any case, that despite the fact that James was _over_ Evans, and he really, really was, he still felt a little pang of jealousy whenever anyone talked with her. But now, it was simply because he had been her friend, even if for a short while, and he missed it just a tiny bit.

A lot, actually. They hadn’t had the chance to be friends for a long period of time, but the few conversations they’d _had_ were pleasant, fun, unassuming… She may have been a bit judgmental at times, but mostly, she’d kept her opinions out of the equation if uncalled for. Again, he admittedly hadn’t experienced it much, but she gave good advice, and she was kind and funny and –

And he didn’t fancy her anymore. He didn’t. He’d made a promise to himself four months ago and he intended to keep it. He had Marlene, and Marlene was clever and sweet, and more importantly, she fancied him back.

And he loved tucking stray strands of hair behind her ear and then leaning in to kiss her, and he loved that she was bossy around him, especially after telling him she only gave her opinion around people she trusted, and he loved that her eyes never quite rested on any one thing, instead jumping from himself to something on his right to something above him to something behind him to her hands and back to him again, and it wasn’t that she wasn’t paying attention but rather that she had so much energy in her and so much restlessness. She was different, and that was a good thing.

He thought that it was funny that he always signed up to stay for Christmas because – well, aside from staying with Sirius – Evans always signed up to stay for Christmas, and now it was actually that his parents were on vacation having assumed that he was going to stay for Christmas when Evans was actually going home this holiday season (as Sirius informed him only two days before end of term). But that was alright, because Marlene was staying too, so –

Actually, that just added to the irony. James felt guilty for a moment, because it was as if he was replacing Evans with Marlene, which he wasn’t.

He didn’t think so.

He was walking toward the large beach tree everyone in their year always sat under during the warmer afternoons. True, it was hardly a warm afternoon (it had rained that morning and it had snowed just a couple days ago), yet it was a pleasant place to be nonetheless, especially with Bluebell Flames which he was excellent at casting. The walk was pleasant too, very calm and quiet.

He could see so much from up here.

He felt it in his bones, the calmness, the emptiness of the world around him; Hogwarts was silent. He savored the taste of the air, the smell of the rain, the feeling of the patches of grass beneath him. He couldn’t explain this sense of his, but he knew he ought to remember this moment – what would be the last calm moment in a while.

And so he closed his eyes, and relaxed, relaxed, relaxed…

 

“PRONGS! WAKE UP, YOU WANKER!”

James jumped and grabbed his wand, looking – squinting – up at his attacker. It was only Sirius though, nothing more. “Go away,” he muttered, and leaned back on the tree.

 _The tree._ He had fallen asleep outside. His eyes shot open. “I fell asleep,” he said. “Shit.”

“Shit indeed, mate,” said Sirius. “I tried calling you on the mirror when I couldn’t find you, but you didn’t answer. Figured you went to the library or somethin’. In short, I’ve been looking for you for close to forty minutes. I should have known you fell asleep…” He shook his head. “C’mon, mate, dinner started twenty minutes ago.”

James realized suddenly that he was indeed very hungry. “Yeah, okay mate, relax. Let’s go.” Sirius held his hand out, and James grabbed his arm and hoisted himself up.

The walk up to the castle wasn’t nearly as relaxing as the walk down from it. It was much colder, for one. The cold had seeped into his bones while he’d slept soundly with his back to the tree. And then, of course, there was the question that hung in the air uncomfortably the moment he’d – foolishly – uttered the words, after they’d been walking for a minute or two.

“How’s Evans?”

Sirius didn’t answer, instead suddenly watching his feet in great interest. James waited for him to say something, but after a minute or two more of the silence, he repeated the question.

“How’s Evans?” he said.

“She’s fine,” Sirius snapped.

James raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. He had to physically stop himself from snapping back; he told himself it really wasn’t worth it, and that he would be an idiot if he did snap back. They had almost reached the castle, and James was still telling himself these things, when Sirius stopped dead in the middle of the path and said slowly, “You do know why she stopped being your friend, don’t you?”

James stared at him. “Wait, you _do_?”

Sirius simply nodded.

“Well,” James said hotly, “why don’t you share with the rest of the class?”

“She can’t handle you,” Sirius said. James was too shocked to say anything in response, and so Sirius continued: “She can’t handle almost anything right now. I don’t know how much Marlene told you – “ she had told him everything, as far as he knew – “but Lily’s life has been going in a terribly quick pace lately, and she had to reverse it, she simply had to. And she felt as though you were the beginning of all the changes in her life – even going back to – “

“Back to last May, yes," said James. “I know.”

Well, he should have known, at least.

 

“Is this seat taken?”

Dorcas didn’t expect _that_ question from Marlene’s brother. More like: ‘ _What are you doing here?_ ’ or ‘ _Why do you exist?_ ’

“What?” she said. He repeated his question, and now with a smile. “Yes – No, sorry,” she said quickly, shaking her head. “I meant, no, this seat isn’t taken. You can sit if you want. I guess. Free country or whatever.”

Cameron sat next to her.

Cameron was sitting next to her.

He looked so much like his sister. He looked nothing like his sister. Same pale complexion. His hair was a shade darker, though. He had his glasses on today, and they really framed his face in a way that would never have worked on Marlene’s slightly softer angles. Marlene always towered over her, but Cameron was slightly shorter than her, even with his hair being slightly puffier than was considered appropriate. She wondered when was the last time he’d gotten a haircut.

They sat in silence for a while. They’d been in the library together several times now, but it was an unspoken rule that they would not communicate. Dorcas would never have guessed that anything resembling a pleasant interaction could occur, and so nothing occurred. Until, of course, right now.

It was a moment later when she opened her mouth to ask what he was doing sitting next to her. She didn’t get a word out, though, because Cameron asked her at that very moment if she could help him with his Defense paper. Well, to be exact, he said, “Have you finished that Defense paper yet? I’m having trouble – “

Dorcas, shocked and bewildered and all those other good words that could probably be placed here but really don’t need to be, stood up and gathered her things.

“What are you playing at?” she demanded, exiting the library dramatically and quickly.

 

_Dear Sirius, (seriously? The handsome? That isn’t even creative)_

_Since the last time I saw you (I am speaking of the goodbye at the train station, of course. I haven’t snuck into your room in the middle of the night sometime in between or anything of the sort) I have been angry, sad, upset, annoyed, poked, and absolutely overwhelmed with the need to hurl. If Samuel was a shell of a human being, then he’s preferable over Vernon Dursley, or as I prefer to call him, the Mustached Whale. He is simply terrible, in every way; conceited, insulting, and fat. Fat, as in so wide, my dad’s shirt wouldn’t cover half of him._

_Actually, now that I think of it – have you been to my house yet? I reckon you haven’t, so you probably don’t know, but my father is by no means small._

_In any case, it’s like he tries to be as massive as he can. And I hate him. Which is probably why Petunia’s dating him; you know how it is. He’s coming over for dinner EVERY DAY, which is driving me mad. I need to get out of here, but I really have nowhere to go. I went to London yesterday and had dinner there instead of at home; that was a bit of a relief._

_My parents got me an early Christmas present! Gave me some money and told me to go get an owl for myself. That’s why I went to London, and that’s my new owl that delivered this letter. I hope she got there quickly; she’s hardly the most expensive thing I saw there. But I needed the rest of the money (dinner, remember?) and she’s gorgeous. I do wonder how Petunia will react to me being able to talk to you guys without leaving the house… but she’s always at Vernon’s nowadays. That is, when they’re both not over for dinner and annoying the hell out of me._

_I try to be understanding, you know? But it’s hard._

_Write to me. How’s Potter and Marlene?_

_With all my heart, and have a merry Christmas!_

_Lily_

 

It was Christmas, and Celesta Warbeck was playing on the radio.

It was Christmas, and it snowed, but melted almost immediately.

It was Christmas, and most of our heroes weren’t even speaking to each other.

It was Christmas, which – supposedly – is the time of forgiveness, but we’ll have to wait a bit before that happens.

Then it was New Years’, and Marlene and James both fell asleep long before midnight.


	17. Of Little People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Lily and Severus used to be best friends, but not so much anymore. Mary used to be friends with Tally, but now she’s lost as to where she belongs. Sirius left home, leaving his little brother behind.

Chapter 16

_Or_

Of Little People

 

Imagine you’re sitting in front of your TV at home and suddenly your signal disappears.

You get off the couch and hit the remote on top of the TV itself. It doesn’t work, so you go out to check if you’re the only one having problems. It’s a tightknit neighborhood, and you know everyone on the block; it won’t be awkward if you knock on old woman Josie’s door and ask her politely if her TV is working.

You decide against it, and by the time you come back the TV is on again. You’ve missed ten minutes of the show you were watching, though, and you can’t follow the story anymore. Frustrated, you don’t turn off the TV, but instead resign yourself to try and understand what’s going without the ten minutes you missed. But it feels hopeless – you just started watching this show recently, and you’re already behind.

Mary was feeling like this every day since she stopped talking to Tally. There was always some new drama in her new circle of friends, and she was never quite involved in it – even when she was directly affected by it. So after the events of last term, she joined the Ravenclaws’ table for a few dinners, and then she went home for Christmas, and she hoped that when she came back, everything would be back to normal.

Instead, Marlene and Dorcas both stayed away from the train station at Hogsmeade, but Lily and she took the trip up to Hogwarts in the same carriage – though silently. When she said hi to Sirius as she was leaving the tower, he grunted at her. They hadn’t been at odds about the whole attempt to date _before_ Christmas – had he decided to be angry with her?

She was sick of sitting at the wrong table.

Just as she was about to go sit at the Ravenclaw table – _again_ – Lily beckoned her to come. Breathing a sigh of relief, Mary hurried to sit next to her. Lily bore an apologetic grimace as Mary came closer. “Sorry about earlier today,” Lily said once they were in earshot of each other. “I was thinking about – things. I – “

“It’s fine,” lied Mary. “How was your holiday?”

“Surprisingly uneventful,” she smiled and returned the same question.

Mary thought about it for a second. She noticed James and Marlene coming in together, cuddling and muttering, and said, “I wish I had stayed here. More interesting.” Sirius and Remus ran up to James, and Sirius tackled him. _You’d think he hadn’t stayed here with him the entire vacation,_ she thought.

Sirius was looking particularly handsome today.

She shook her head, trying to erase that thought. “I’m sorry, did you say something?” she said, attempting to start another conversation with Lily, but _she_ was watching the same scene as Mary, a small smile tugging on the edges of her lips as she gazed fondly over Sirius. She raised her hand in a small wave of “hello”, and Sirius waved back, though much more enthusiastically. Mary was left to wonder what, exactly, had she missed during the past two weeks.

 

Imagine you’re listening to the radio, and suddenly the host throws in a word you don’t know.

You’ve never heard this word. You’ve never heard _of_ this word. You have no idea what it means. You decide that it doesn’t really matter much, because you’re a clever enough person, and you understood everything else he’s said so far, and the radio host probably gets cards with words to slip in anyway, and he might not know what it means.

But then he says it again, and again. You try to figure it out from context, but you can’t get a firm grasp on what it means, and you get frustrated enough to call a friend. Your friend picks up the phone, but when you tell him your issue, he laughs and hangs up, claiming that this must be the stupidest prank he’s ever experienced.

You turn to the dictionary, but you can’t even fathom how it’s _spelled_. You can’t ask the man on the radio, and your friend obviously thinks you’re an idiot, so you can’t ask him either. You toy with the idea of calling one of your parents – but it’s late, and they’re probably asleep.

By the time the next day comes to an end, almost every person you saw used that word, and you _still_ can’t understand what in the name of all holy things it _means_.

Peter felt like this every day. It wasn’t that he wasn’t clever, or sneaky – it’s that he wasn’t clever or sneaky as his friends. It’s not that he wasn’t in any way attractive – true, he was overweight, but he could and had gotten dates before. It’s just that Sirius was overly attractive, like an extra-strong Accio charm, pulling girls towards him (though he didn’t exactly date). He wasn’t as charming as James or as responsible as Remus. He was himself, and sometimes he was sick of being defined as part of the Marauders instead of as himself.

Instead of pushing the point, he tried to be as good of a friend as possible. Sometimes he exaggerated (for example, when he was tired or anxious he tended to gawk), but he was supportive, and he did do his best to support Moony  -

Speaking of which, Moony was being particularly quiet this evening. Everyone was, but Moony was more than the rest of them. There was something empty in him, Peter could tell.

“Are you alright?” Wormtail asked, slightly hesitant. Remus said nothing.

A couple minutes later, after swallowing a chunk of chicken, Sirius asked the same thing. _The same exact thing_ , Wormtail thought bitterly.

“I’m just distracted,” said Remus. “Finals, and the such.” There was something underneath there, something that Sirius understood, something Wormtail did not. As if Sirius and Remus had an understanding, something Wormtail did not share.

It was a small, unique pain, but it was painful nonetheless.

 

Imagine you’re being forced to climb a mountain. No, wait – you’re being pushed off a cliff. No, _wait_ \- you’re being _encouraged_ to _jump_ off a cliff. You like it where you are – there’s a nice view, at the very least, and a road behind you, as well. You have a place to go if you decide to turn back.

You don’t want to jump.

But all of your friends and family have jumped, or are preparing to, and they’re all calling from bellow to let you know that it’s better down _there_. The ones who haven’t didn’t even come on the trip, so they don’t count really. But you’re not sure if you want to jump.

And what happens if you do jump? What happens if you change your mind in the middle, but it’s already too late and you’re stuck on the way down? What if you crash and burn?

What if you want to get back up, to the top of the cliff, after you’ve jumped?

Regulus couldn’t help being afraid. Wouldn’t anyone? Even the idea of it was terrifying. Who could imagine, being basically sworn to serve Lord Voldemort before you’ve hit fifteen (even if not literally quite yet)? Who would think that Regulus, the good boy, would contemplate –

He wasn’t quite ready to think about _that_ , yet.

Sometimes he was proud of being who he was. Heir to the Most Noble House of Black, he was the pride and joy of his mother –

But sometimes he wished he could be more like Sirius. He wished he could be himself.

But then again, bravery wasn’t the subject of his house’s motto.

 

Imagine you lost your favorite toy, only to find it in someone else’s possession.

Only you don’t have any way to get it back, so you’re left to watch it, constantly, wishing it were yours again… and you have a lot of other toys to play with. But they’re a different brand, more specific to your tastes, and you liked the exoticness of –

Well, Severus did have a rather peculiar taste in people, true, but he loved Lily all the same. He had told himself it was silly, complete idiocy – she didn’t even talk to him, she was best friends with _Sirius Black_ instead, she was –

She was, she was –

She was everything. He needed her. He wanted to –

He wanted her to be his again. That’s all he wanted, most of the time.

The ‘most’ part was the problem, he assumed. But he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t help –

And so he watched her laughing, he watched her hiding tears – he could still tell, even after all this time, even after _two_ holidays spent apart, he could still read her – he was willing to bet that she did, too.

And she was talking to her newfound friend, Mary McDonald, and he was watching her.

He was always watching her, even if she didn’t see.


	18. Of Benjy Fenwick’s Worst Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Marlene has major beef against Dorcas right now. Also she’s stopped talking to any of her friends except her boyfriend. Also Lily and Sirius are best friends now or something. In other news, there are other students in this school besides sixth year Gryffindors.

Chapter 17

_Or_

Of Benjy Fenwick’s Worst Birthday

 

(Fenwick)

Eighteen years ago, a baby boy was born into a family titled Fenwick. His parents named him Benjamin, and he was sweet and fun and happy, though at times odd things happened to him.

One day, when he turned eleven, a woman in a funny hat came to visit his house. She told him he was a wizard, and to prove it, she turned into a cat. Her name was Minerva McGonagall, and she was the vice principle at a school called Hogwarts – a school which taught, apparently, Witchcraft and Wizardry.

And so Benjamin enrolled at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he was sorted into the house of Hufflepuff. There, he was nicknamed Benjy, and he was sweet and fun and happy, and though at times he felt out of place, he couldn’t help but belong.

On the day of his eighteenth birthday, however, everything went very, very wrong.

 

Benjy Fenwick, a seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, had been a prefect for two and a half years before he ever had to give a single punishment. It was, in fact, his first punishment ever, in a way – and he had to give it on his birthday, of all days.

“Black,” he said, “mind telling me what the hell happened here?”

Black just shrugged and pointed to the two girls who were still basically growling at each other. Evans, the sixth year Gryffindor prefect – and, in his opinion, the likely candidate for next year’s Head Girl – was standing between them, holding them at wandpoint, trying to stop them from what was probably going to quickly turn into a murder scene.

“Evans,” sighed Benjy. “Do _you_ know what happened here?”

Evans simply shrugged, as if mirroring Black. “I don’t really know, I got here about a second before you did.”

It was a lie, he could tell, but he didn’t push it.

“Then who do we punish?” he asked. “And how?”

Evans glanced at Black, then turned to look at Black’s younger brother, a couple of Slytherins he didn’t recognize, and Snape – all of which were lying unconscious on the floor – and then threw a pointed look at Longbottom, before finally looking back to Marlene McKinnon and Meadowes, who were not struggling as much anymore.

“I say all of them,” she suggested finally, “straight to McGonagall. Let them explain what happened to her, and _she_ can do whatever she wants with them.”

“What about these?” he said, pointing at the pile of Slytherins lying rather comically on the floor.

Big on the shrugging today, apparently, Evans raised her shoulders and then lowered them in one consecutive motion. “We’ll call Slughorn on the way.”

 

“So what happened today, anyway?” Benjy asked. McKinnon was already inside, and so he was left outside her office with Meadowes, whom he was addressing at the moment. (Evans had disappeared with Black, apparently having chosen to spare her _boyfriend_ the atrocity of waiting with the rest of them.)

“Long, long, long story,” she muttered. Her left eye was bruising and swelling rapidly, and it looked like she may have had a group of hairs pulled out. Her left pinkie was crooked, too, but she insisted that it wasn’t broken, and he was no Healer.

“Well, since she’ll be telling the same story inside, I’m pretty sure we have the time.”

She looked up at him, and he hoped that his expression was kind. It might have been condescending. It might have just been annoyed. They did ruin his birthday after all.

“Well,” she began, sitting up. “Do you know Cameron McKinnon? Marlene’s brother?”

Benjy nodded. “About as much as I know any of you.”

“Fair enough. Well, Marlene and Lily and Mary and I had a row about two months back. Then Lily and James – well, let’s just say everything’s went to shit in our social circle. Marlene refused to speak to me even during class, and the rest weren’t much better.”

Benjy waited for her to continue. “Well?” he pressed eventually.

Meadowes grimaced. “Wait a second, I’m trying to think. So. Cameron and I started studying together a week ago…”

 

(Meadowes)

We were studying everything we share classes on. It just sort of happened. Then two days ago – the day everybody came back from holiday – he kissed me. We were sitting outside watching everyone come up from the train – it was calm, and he said that no one could see us, and then he was kissing me.

I swear on Merlin’s eyeballs that I had no idea that was going to happen and that I _didn’t_ kiss him back. Initially.

It took me a while to even realize I _could_ kiss boys. I’m a _late bloomer_ , or whatever. Kissing a guy I basically talked to for the first time a week ago, and whose sister hates me with the fire of a thousand burning suns, was sort of out there for me.

 _Is_. _Is_ sort of out there for me.

I didn’t let him kiss me again, but we may or may not have started holding hands in the hallways if nobody was looking.

If we thought nobody was looking. Apparently, people were looking. Marlene caught us, obviously.

 

You know, I think of Marlene as being quiet and reserved, but something’s _happened_ to her this year. She just seems angrier, all the time, and she overreacts – I’m not even talking about the “I betrayed them” incident. I’m talking about smaller stuff that I noticed beforehand, as a friend. She’s been louder, bolder. She’s dating James freakin’ Potter, and if that’s not a warning bell that she’s trying to rebel then I don’t know what is.

I didn’t used to think of her as a person, I guess. Most of us didn’t. It’s not like people didn’t talk to her – it’s just that it was more _at_ her. I felt bad for her. Not bad enough to change anything, though.

Maybe she got tired of being used as a diary that belongs to everyone.

 

I was walking down to dinner today when Cam appeared. And like I said, he really likes to be _intimate_ with me. I don’t mind it, exactly, I just don’t think it’s the most appealing thing. But I held hands with him  as we walked and chatted. We were talking about – about cars. Muggle cars, you know.

“My dad loves them,” he was saying, explaining about different models and stuff. No offense to cars, but I prefer a broom any day.

I honestly don’t know what I said next that made him laugh so much, but he was talking one moment, roaring the next. He grabbed me and kissed me. It wasn’t like anything else he’d done so far; it felt like he really wanted to kiss me. Which can mean that up until then he hadn’t, but that’s not true either. It was a good kiss. I guess I enjoyed it.

Marlene chose that moment to turn the corner. It really was a moment, by the way. He had barely touched me before her footsteps could be heard, and another second had passed before we disconnected – just in time for her to have seen us, and us to have seen her.

 

Marlene is usually very good at keeping secrets, you know. She really doesn’t care what other people do, as long as they’re safe and happy. As long as it doesn’t damage anyone else’s life. As long as, as long as…  Well, she’s usually discreet about things she sees, things she hears – she’s the least active gossiper in our dorm. Well, maybe except for me. But with me it’s simply because I’m not interested. With Marlene it’s because she has a principle: people have secrets, and everyone has the choice to keep them. If someone tells her a secret she won’t give it out, like a piece of paper. No, it was their choice to tell her and it should be their choice to tell anyone else.

This didn’t always work, and as I’ve said, she has her conditions.

 

I don’t know what made me bolt. I just saw Marlene, and her eyes – well, if you’d seen it, maybe you’d understand, on some level, why I bolted. But when I say I ran, I mean one second Cam was kissing me, the next Marlene was there, and the third second I was already gone. In just three beats.

 

(Fenwick)

“I think you can imagine the rest. I ran, she ran after me, Cameron followed both of us, and she started yelling at me, and Cameron yelled at her, and then I yelled at him. Somehow Cameron managed to insult James Potter, so Black stepped it, and then his little brother was there and the two of them fought. To protect the younger Black, I guess, a bunch of Slytherins joined, and then suddenly all of us were fighting, not just with our words, but with our wands, and then – well, then you and Lily came along.”

Meadowes finished her story just in time – just as McKinnon came out, that is. It was almost comical.

“Your turn,” McKinnon said coldly. Meadowes was very careful about not brushing her while passing, Benjy noticed. The two – the blonde, tall and pale, and the brunette, dark and more on the heavy side – were striking in contrast, each of them standing for their own and each of them very aware of the fact that they were being tested, not just by each other, but by themselves as well.

 _I might have gone a bit too far with that metaphor_ , Benjy thought to himself.

Before Meadowes could close the door, he jumped up and stuck his head into the Deputy Head’s office. “Professor,” he said, “can I go yet?”

“Oh, I think not,” said Professor McGonagall. “I’d like to have a chat with you – and miss Evans as well – once I’m done with Meadowes and Black.”

“Black and Evans have disappeared, Ma’am,” he said. “They – “

Just then there was a grunt noise behind him, and when he turned around he saw that not only had Black and Evans (though looking slightly disgruntled) finally shown up, but they were physically stopping Marlene McKinnon from leaving as well.

“Never mind, Professor,” he said. “They’re all here.”

“Close the door, Fenwick, if you will.”

He did.

 

“What’s going on with you, Marlene?” demanded Evans, her voice slightly shriek-ier than usual. “You’re acting mad!”

“Positively bonkers,” supplied Black. “James told me that this morning – “

“Shut up, Black, that’s none of your business” said McKinnon, the edge in her voice practically a tangible thing. “Listen, I’ve had a shit day. And it’s not like _we’re_ talking, so you have no say in this either, Lily.”

“And WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?” cried Evans. “I tried, I tried to have – “

“And you failed, quite miserably I have to say – “

“SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!”

Surprisingly, both girls did. Not only did they not expect Benjy to yell, they probably had both forgotten that he was even there. Benjy reached up to his glasses to straighten them, expecting both of them to continue shouting, but everyone else kept quiet.

“You know,” said Benjy, “this is maybe the worst birthday ever. First, my best friend tells me that my birthday present – that is, a cake – was accidentally sat on by one of the younger students. Then, it turns out my Care of Magical Creatures assignment got a D because _somebody else copied off it_. Now, I have to waste most of my dinner and the remainder of my evening dealing with you lot, and _I don’t even understand what any of this is about_.”

Benjy was breathing hard by the end of that, and all three of the sixth years were looking down, similar to embarrassed children being scolded by their parents. Black mumbled something along the lines of, “ _Happy birthday mate_.”

Benjy burst out laughing and collapsed on one of the seats, exhausted, and Black grinned, joining him there.

“So,” said McKinnon, “can I go now?”

“No,” said everyone else together.

“You get to tell us what’s going on,” said Evans. “And besides, McGonagall might want to review your version of things.”

Benjy was about to correct her, but then changed his mind. He was curious as well, if he was honest. McKinnon sighed and sagged her shoulders in defeat. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll tell you.”

“Thank Merlin,” mumbled Black to Benjy, “Lily was going to make me beat her. James would not have appreciated _that_ , believe me.”

Benjy choked back another string of laughter as McKinnon started saying, “Well, you know the basics, so I’ll just jump in, I guess…”

 

(McKinnon)

I think you may have noticed I’ve not exactly been the same this year. I really did try, you know, to be my normal self. Quiet and self-loathing, instead of loud and self-loathing. But something happened last summer. I –

 

(Fenwick)

“I can’t do this,” said McKinnon. “I can’t talk about this. I’m just not ready – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She ran off, and though Evans was going to run after her, Black whispered a soft “don’t”, and she stopped herself.

“You’re right,” she said. “It should come from her. But – “

“I know,” said Black. His hand rested on her shoulder, as if a calming force. Benjy had that feeling again that the two had more going on than just friendship.

The door to McGonagall’s office opened. “Your turn, Black,” said Meadowes. “She knows most of the details, but feel free to waste her time as much as possible.” Black nodded and, as the door closed behind him, Benjy could have sworn he murmured something affectionate for “ole’ Minnie”.

There was a silence, and then some more silence, and then finally, Meadowes simply walked away. Evans hadn’t so much as blinked in her direction. Apparently, whatever was going on did not cancel what had already happened.

In a spur of the moment decision, Benjy went after her.

 

“Hey, Meadowes,” he called.

“Yeah?” she said, turning around. Silent tears streamed down her face, red eyes and flushed cheeks marking the fact that she was crying, but apparently trying very hard not to show any weakness, as she was as quiet as anyone could be.

He stopped dead in his tracks, not actually particularly sure why he was there. “I just – “

“Listen, whatever they told you, it was all true,” she said quickly. “I’m a nob. I’m more than a nob – I the stupidest, nob-iest nob in the history of nobs. I was a jerk to my friends, I was a generally terrible human being, and I – I – I should have never pretended – pretended I could avoid this. But how do you – choose?” she demanded, sobs now interrupting her rambling every once in a while. The tears seemed to have dried up, but she could barely string a sentence together. “How do you choose between friends and family, between the people who gave you life and the people who give you reason to continue living? I – would you, could you really blame me for not wanting to choose?”

Dumbfounded, Benjy simply muttered, “I guess – I just don’t think you’re nob.”

Meadowes grinned at that, wiping tears away again. “I am, I am, I am… That’s not the issue here. I just – I regret it so much, but – “

“But,” he agreed.

There was some more silence – it’s amazing how much silence he’d endured today, and how little of that silence was actually meaningless, void, or silent at all – and then he said, “I don’t blame you. Whatever it is you did, it’s a new year, and you deserve to be happy just as much as them. And you know – “

Another bit of silence.

“You should know,” he continued, “that life is about choices. So yes, you’re going to have to choose between your friends and your family. It’s going to cost you, but eventually, you’re going to have to find your own path in life. And if the differences are that huge…” he shrugged. “You’re just going to have to choose what’s more important to you. What’s most important.”

And at that, he turned around, because he guessed Black would be done soon, and McGonagall had said she wanted to talk to him.


	19. Of Marlene's Story and Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So far: Sirius, Marlene, Dorcas and a whole lot of other people got into trouble. Lily and a guy named Benjy Fenwick, being prefects, had to help sort it out. Before reaching McGonagall’s office, Lily and Sirius disappeared. Marlene and James don’t seem to be the perfect couple they used to be. Marlene almost started opening up about what’s bothering her – but she didn’t, in the end.

Chapter 18

_Or_

Of Marlene’s Story and Silence

 

Lights were flashing, beautiful embodiments of curses being shot at whatever direction they might end up heading towards. Some people had ended up giving up their wands, and they were discarded on the floor; the fists being exchanged instead were probably doing more damage, in a way, anyway. When Lily Evans, a prefect, appeared, a large group of people practically vanished, and Sirius grinned at her – only for a punch to narrowly miss his face. When Lily actually laid her eyes on him, he was sprawled on the floor, having slipped and fell on the floor.

“What’s going on here?”

“Dorcas, the bitch, it’s all her fault!” screamed Marlene, looking almost inhuman.

“The fuck is wrong with you? What – “ Dorcas said.

Lily’s head was hurting. The Slytherins were thrown on the floor by one of Dorcas’ curses, and suddenly everyone, except Lily, was hit by a strong wind and fell over as well. Behind Lily emerged a seventh-year prefect, Benjy Fenwick.

“Black,” he said, “mind telling me what the hell happened here?”

 

“What happened?” Lily hissed, pulling Sirius away from Fenwick, Marlene and Dorcas as the three of them continued to make their way up to McGonagall’s office.

She hadn’t been able to take a good look at him up until right now; he wasn’t cut, and bruises wouldn’t show for a while anyway, but she took a good look nonetheless. His long and dark hair was ruffled, but she could explain that with the fact that she found him on the floor in the first place, and otherwise he looked as perfectly handsome as ever.

Except for his eyes. His eyes looked tired. Exhausted, even.

“I saw them and I couldn’t stand it – “ he began.

“No no no no no, you’re starting from the middle. Go back to the beginning. I haven’t questioned you about your brother nearly enough. Talk about it,” Lily said, folding her arms indignantly.

“No!” cried Sirius.

Lily shook her head as if trying to get water out from her ears. “ _What_? Excuse me?”

“You don’t get to pry into every single part of my life, Evans!” he yelled. “I’m not James, okay? I don’t feel obligated to do whatever you ask me to do. I am your friend, and I enjoy talking to you and being with you in general, and you’re a cool bird, I’ll admit that much. But you have no right to demand _anything_ from me.”

Lily stared at him for a moment. She could not speak. The only thing she could quite master moving was her hands, which she was now distracting with a piece of loose thread on her robes. Then she tried focusing on his nose, which was right at the center of his face; she had a feeling that he could tell that she wasn’t really looking at _him_ , but rather trying to pretend that she was.

“I – I – “ she stammered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know – “

“You didn’t know that it might be a touchy subject?” Sirius laughed. “Oh that’s rich. Especially coming from you!”

“What do you mean com– “

“I mean how you never talk about your friends, despite the fact that they’re obviously on your mind! I mean how you barely talk about your sister, and when you do, it’s to explain why you don’t like her boyfriend! I mean how – “

“Oh now _you’re_ about to step out of line, Sirius,” warned Lily. “Be careful where you’re going.”

The two were quiet suddenly, both flushed and angry and quite possibly embarrassed. Lily was mostly angry; she hoped that Sirius was mostly embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted after a moment. “I didn’t mean to – “

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry too,” sighed Sirius. “And I did sort of make it public knowledge that my brother and I don’t get along. It’s just – “

“Frustrating, I know.”

They were then in silence for a good while. Sometimes that’s important. The silence.

 

After the interrogation conducted by McGonagall, all the Gryffindors – and Benjy – were released to go back to their dorms, or Pomfrey if they wished (though they were not exactly punishment free… Even a relatively random kid that Lily had threatened to give a month’s worth of detentions to if he didn’t get out of her way got an essay to write). After Dorcas hurried away, Benjy broke off – presumably towards the kitchens. Marlene and Lily waited for Sirius, and once Benjy came back and Sirius finished, Marlene, Sirius, and Lily continued in a steady, marching on side by side in silence.

Lily found herself very suddenly realizing that they were almost at Gryffindor Tower. Curfew was about half an hour away, and she didn’t really want to be in the Tower right now. She wanted to feel calm, she wanted to be alone, she wanted to not be in reach of anyone at all.

Without saying a thing, Lily turned around.

She wandered aimlessly around the castle, wandering, wondering…

She thought about Sirius.

She thought about how he never failed to make her smile. She thought about his stupid pranks and about his dark hair. She thought about how different he was from anyone else she knew. She thought about how he was there for her, now, when nobody else was, and she thought about how he never once asked her out. She thought about what he said today –

She thought about Marlene. She thought about how pained she was, how she wasn’t sharing something, how lonely she must be. She thought about how quiet and reserved Marlene was gone, and how she wasn’t sure what she thought about this new and “improved” Marlene. She thought about how she missed just _talking_ to her –

She thought about Dorcas, but that made her blood boil –

She found herself in the owlery, and she wasn’t alone.

 

“James,” she said, and she was as beautiful as she was the day they met, as much of a wonder to him as on that day in the early autumn sun not that long ago, when they laughed together. Her lips parted just the tiniest bit in surprise, and she rubbed her nose in the most adorable way, trying to heat herself up in the cold January air. “I mean, Potter. What, what, um – what are you doing here?”

He just couldn’t help himself. He tried so hard sometimes to just forget about her. Marlene was wonderful and fantastic and just the best thing that had ever happened to him, and _she liked him back_ , but she wasn’t Lily, would never be Lily. She shouldn’t have chosen him – he was no good for her. He didn’t _deserve_ her. As for the girl in front of him, waiting for a response – he could already feel the snark on his tongue, he could feel the sarcasm bubbling up and he was a complete _twat_. “What are _you_ doing here?” he pointed at her empty hands, trying to say, _I don’t see a letter_.

“I just – I was trying to – “ she said. She held onto herself, and he saw it then. She was about to cry, and he didn’t know why, and he didn’t know how to help, but he desperately wanted to. And he had been okay with just being friends, he had, and then she didn’t want to be friends anymore, and he should have really just walk away right now and let her be in peace. But he couldn’t.

“Are you – are you okay?” he asked helplessly, hopelessly in love with this stupid, brilliant, beautiful, amazing girl. “Lily – “ He reached for her and he almost started crying himself when she didn’t flinch, and he knew that something was very wrong because she was still here and her defenses were down, and they were suddenly so close (when had they gotten so close? He couldn’t remember) and then they were hugging and she was sobbing into his shoulder, and he knew that what he was doing with Marlene was wrong, and that what he was doing right now was ridiculous, and that there must be something _wrong_ with him.

“What happened?” he whispered. They slid down to the floor, holding onto each other as if for dear life. He ran his hands through her hair, her magnificent red locks, felt her breath on his chin, waited for the spell to break and everything to go wrong.

She shook her head silently against him. “I just – “

Any moment now she would break away, likes she always did –

“ – everything’s gone to shit, and I can’t hold it in anymore. I keep trying – “

Was he really that bad of a person that he would hold someone like he is now, knowing that he loves them, and not let go? Would he really be willing to break Marlene’s heart in that way? Any moment now –

“ – but I can’t compete with everyone. I can’t hold them close to me and expect them to want to stay. I just want people to listen, if they could just listen – “

Could she hear his heartbeat? Could she tell that he could no longer pretend, that he was about to just say it? Could she ever hold him again, knowing how much of a shitty person he was? He would do it. He was going to do it –

“Thank you so much for listening,” she said, wiping her tears away. It was out of bounds for him to do it, he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t do it. He would never do something that wrong. “I know it must be hard for you – what with me being such a shitty person to you an’ all.” She sniffed and shifted away, and he wanted to pull her closer. She shivered from the sudden cold, then nodded and –

Then she was gone.

He hadn’t told her, he had managed to keep it secret. He was bursting, absolutely filled with these feelings –

He has to break up with Marlene.

 _And I will_ , he told himself. _I will. Tomorrow._

_Tomorrow night, right after dinner._

 

“I can’t believe this shite,” cried Sirius in disgust, throwing the _Prophet_ away from him. “I cannot believe they’re going ahead with this garbage.”

“What is it?” asked Peter, sliding it over to him, so he – and James, over his shoulder – could read it. There in big, capital letters, it said NEW WEREWOLF-RELATED LEGISLATION, and in smaller print it read, **The brave story of a man – and a law – meant to protect us all**.

“They’re pushing more anti-werewolf legislation,” Sirius said, and then used a phrase so vulgar that Wormtail practically covered his ears. “Go on, read it.”

Peter coughed and then read aloud the following:

“ _Following an incident in Diagon Alley some three years ago, a brave young man has found a new path in life,_ writes Daily Prophet correspondent Rita Skeeter _. Despite heavy resistance, a number of well-respected families pushed forward a few anti-werewolf legislations (they prefer the term pro-wizard), and now they have found a leader who may just make it all possible._

_“’I consider myself a man with a mission,’ says young Lucius Malfoy, 22, a handsome platinum blonde whom is dressed impeccably (as you can see in the photograph). ‘I merely want to better the world for wizardkind, and I refuse to let anyone get in the way of this cause. Of course, if the Wizengamot decides that it is not in the public’s best interest, I would not dare… but you know, there’s plenty of precedence.’_

_“ **Of course. Would you like to tell us a little more about the legislation itself?**_

_“’Well, it is quite simple, in fact. It will ensure that the public knows and will be able to recognize a potential threat. Oh, I know that there is nothing_ essentially _bad about a werewolf if it does what it should on the full moon and lock itself up safely and securely, but you can never be too sure.’_

_“ **Well, safety does come first! So, once this law – some people like to call it The Trace, as a little joke –**_

_“’And a very right one, indeed,’ says young Mr. Malfoy very seriously. ‘The Trace is placed on the young for the express purpose of protecting not only the child, but also the public. The same is true for this law.’_

_“Lucius, at this point, takes a break in order to offer me some rather delightful pumpkin juice. The time we have is about to come to an end, as he has very little time to spare in his busy schedule, and I ask him one last question, one I’m sure all of you lady readers are_ dying _to know._

**_“Are there any ladies in your world right now? Perhaps even a future_ Mrs. _Malfoy?_**

_“’Oh, I don’t really think that’s the point of any of this,’ Lucius replied with a hearty laugh. ‘I hope to marry soon, but I am currently focused on more important things.’_

_Lucius will indeed focus on more important things – first, he shall change the magical world with this new legislation, and then, he promises, he has a few more laws to present before the Wizengamot. He promises that after he’s done changing the world, he will think of dating, and perhaps, even getting married._

“Well, that was bullshit,” finished Peter, throwing the newspaper as far away from him as possible. Sirius didn’t bother picking it up.

“Absolute crap,” agreed James. “Who _was_ that reporter? She was disgusting.”

“Rita Skeeter,” said Sirius with obvious distaste. “She’s ridiculous, but she’s gaining a following. She’s always looking for the scandal. I hate her. My mother just discovered her before – “

“What was that last part about, the ‘a few more laws to present’?” wondered Peter.

“Probably something equally as awful,” promised James. He then paused, sat down, looked at his food, and declared, “I’m not really hungry anymore.”

“Not hungry anymore? Impossible,” said a cold, unnaturally high voice. Remus was approaching them, and he held the newspaper they had thrown away. He handed it to Sirius rather mechanically, and then sat down and calmly piled up food on his plate. Sirius and James exchanged glances, and Wormtail looked at Remus curiously. It was quiet for a bit, though the people around them continued with their noise as per usual, until –

“Remus?” asked James carefully. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, still in that unnaturally high voice, cutting into his bacon. “What makes you think I’m not?”

“Probably has something to do with how you’re trying to murder your breakfast,” said Sirius. James elbowed him, and he winced.

Remus let go of his silverware, and it clinked loudly on his plate. “I’m fine,” he said curtly. “Just – leave it. Okay?”

Sirius raised his hands in defeat. “Okay, okay, no need to overreact.”

Wormtail never understood what exactly went on in Remus’ head when it came to this kind of stuff. All he really knew was that Remus wasn’t okay.

Remus wasn’t okay, and the last person he would tell that was Wormtail.

 

“Marlene, I need to talk to you.”

An entire day had passed, and James had decided it was time.

“Marlene.”

He couldn’t seem to catch her eye. She nodded and made way towards the door, and they walked together. It was unnaturally quiet. Usually, when you passed through the halls at this time of day, you would not be alone with your echoing steps. But there was no one. No one making out in a closet, no one rushing with their books from this place to that.

It was so quiet that it made James’ head hurt. And that wasn’t the only thing on his mind.

Remus had acted weird all day; when they passed by the shelters being protected with various charms – not just Flitwick, but also McGonagall and that Auror witch – he was exceptionally quiet. There was a general feeling of uneasiness, not just from Remus, but from everyone; nobody liked these shelters, and nobody liked what they might represent.

Honestly? He just couldn’t deal with having a relationship right now. It wasn’t right for him. He could deal with the school pressure, but he had enough on his hands, socially, without a girlfriend. She wasn’t making him happy.

Most of the time she could make him smile when he thought it impossible, true. And she had this thing, where she would rest her eyes on his lips for just a moment and he’d –

“James, where are you going?”

He had been so deep in thought, that Marlene had stopped and he hadn’t even noticed. He blushed deeply and said sheepishly, “Sorry.”

He noticed the dark humor in the fact that this was in fact the same classroom that he and Lily had had their talk in, not that long ago.

They both stepped into the darkness.

Well, not really darkness, but the room was definitely dim. The windows were high and narrow, and the moon was in its wane, with little starlight to spare. It felt like a scene from a play, standing there in the torchlight – the one, single torch – and trying to find the words.

“Marlene, I – “

“I know why you want to talk to me,” she said.

James was shocked. “You do?” His shoulders sagged, and he felt defeated and relieved at the same time.

“I just – can you let me explain myself first?”

James nodded, but felt slightly confused. Before he could voice any lingering feelings of doubt, however, Marlene took a deep breath and began her tale.

“I’m not normally… like this. Outgoing, mostly. I don’t hate being like this, it’s just that I’ve never been like this. I guess this is my version of acting out, or whatever. Really all that’s happened is that my life slowly feel apart around me, and I couldn’t deal with it, so I built a great big fucking dam.

“I have an uncle. I mean, had an uncle. He passed away summer before last. No, really, I’m fine. I was never that close to him. To his son, Marcus – to him I’m close. I was. Thing is, he’s half-blood – my uncle married a Muggleborn, something my parents were never really okay with. They didn’t shun them, per se, but they were never really welcome at our dinner table.”

“I know how that is,” James said. “We’re never welcome at any of our relative’s tables either. But I think that has to do with Sirius more than anything else.”

That brought a smile to Marlene’s face. “Right,” she said, blushing. “Anyway.

“Marcus – it’s not like he was still in school or anything – he actually finished school about six years ago, then got a managing job in a shop. Only thing remotely special about him was his activism. His mother was Muggleborn, and she got him into the whole – the whole pro-Muggleborn thing.

“My parents, now effectively the head of the family, told him that he wouldn’t see a dime of his inheritance unless he gave up political activism. They’ve got money, and that made the whole thing possible. Obviously, he said no. So for a year and more, I didn’t see him.

“Your dad’s ministry, right?”

James nodded. “Law Enforcement.”

“So… you heard what happened last summer?”

James thought for a moment, and then stared at Marlene, in utter shock. “He was in – he was at the conference, Marcus?”

Marlene nodded. Her lower lip trembled as she said, “He isn’t confirmed dead. Technically, he’s missing.”

“Technically, it’s a series of unsolved cases,” James said. “But it was him.”

“Or his friends,” she said. “They call themselves _Death Eaters_.” She stood so tall, so certain, so angry. He was sure that almost any other girl would be crying right now, and she was definitely almost crying. But Marlene wasn’t the classic image of a girl that he had in his mind (perhaps no one was). She was strong and proud and she had survived.

“Yeah, I know,” he said.

They hugged then, and he buried his nose in her hair, and she held him tighter than ever before and he knew that what he wanted to do couldn’t be done now.

He’ll do it tomorrow.


	20. Of Hearts Led Astray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Lily and Sirius fought, so Lily and James had a really weird and emotional encounter. Instead of James breaking up with her, Marlene finally confided what has changed her behavior so radically – her heart was weighed down by some serious stuff.

Chapter 19

_Or_

Of Hearts Led Astray

 

As New Years’ resolutions go, Lily’s was not a bad one, even if it was a bit impractical. Especially since she only made it a few days _after_ New Year’s. It came to her after a particularly embarrassing incident, featuring an owlery and too much crying on her part.

Lily’s New Year’s resolution was to stay away from James Potter, and she only made it because Marlene was suddenly smiling again.

It had been subtle, at first. She didn’t even properly notice it, Peter did. He pointed it out to Sirius, actually, and Lily overheard. After that, she started paying attention. A smile here, a smile there – suddenly, Marlene was throwing smiles around everywhere, though mostly when she was with James. Whatever was going on between them must have been serious. And though she couldn’t exactly give a name to what happened between the two of them the other night – between James and herself – Lily vowed to stay away.

She would _not_ be the downfall of a relationship. Any relationship, but definitely not that relationship.

It was a terrible day, weather wise. The clouds which had come sweeping in sometime in November, were today especially gray and overbearing; it had not snowed for weeks, and instead, constant downpour plagued the grounds. The torchlight in the halls, instead of the sense of warmth it usually instilled in the students, seemed weak and tired compared with the thunderstorms shuddering through the castle. The weekend couldn’t come fast enough, though most people were not looking forward to leisure time and relaxation but instead held on to the hope that perhaps they’ll be able to catch up on the mountains of homework they had been assigned. N.E.W.T. students, in particular, did not have the time to spare a thought, let alone a moment to be alone. The workload the sixth- and seventh-year students were carrying was bigger for each individual than that of all pre-N.E.W.T. students’ work combined, or at least, that was what it felt like. Lily, this weekend, had to complete an essay in Herbology on Venomous Tentacula, start and finish essays in History of Magic and in Potions, a five page piece to translate in Ancient Runes, and practice water-making spells, with which she was having some difficulty for an unknown reason. The only thing she had to thank for was that she had managed to control the growth of her eyebrows during class; most everybody else in Transfiguration had _that_ to practice, as well. And she had prefect duties to perform as well!

There was probably not a single soul who wasn’t planning on holing up in the library for the weekend. Except for bloody James Potter.

She honestly could not fathom how he did it. He had about as much work as she did, minus Ancient Runes but with the added work in Transfiguration, and he also had to schedule practices in all this mess. And yet there was not a time in which he could not be seen lounging in the common room, relaxing right in front of the fire in the best bloody seat in the whole Tower.

But Lily was not going to ask him what he was doing, or how he was keeping up while never visibly _doing any work_ , and she was not going to ask him to kindly haul his ass away from the best couch, and she was definitely not going to think about him. She wasn’t going to think about how he managed to train his team so well that they crushed Ravenclaw in the last game, and she was definitely not going to think about Marlene’s glowing smile as she greeted the excessively wet and messy James. She had assignments to do, and she refused to venture even slightly into James-land.

But she just couldn’t concentrate! She kept stealing glances in the direction of the flames, despite the danger. James was now making a couple second-years’ laugh; she realized she didn’t even know their names.

Damn it. She just couldn’t keep her mind focused on the piece of parchment in front of her.

When did she even start thinking of him as James instead of as Potter? When did that happen?

She sighed and glanced out the window at the stormy skies. She’s not going to get any work done tonight. Maybe she should go to bed.

But this Muggle Studies essay was for tomorrow. She deeply regretted the decision not to drop it after the O.W.Ls – it had been an easy O up until now. This year however it was mostly a waste of her precious, precious time. And she had so little of it at the moment – so little time! So many things to do! All these places to see and things to do… People to forgive…

Should she forgive him? She thought about it lazily as Sirius waltzed down the steps from the boys’ dormitory. He really does have impeccable timing at times. Could she forgive him? He said some pretty terrible things. So did she. Maybe they could go back to being friends like they were. Maybe she could feel as comfortable with him as she always did.

 _Wait a second,_ she thought, realizing something alarming. _When did six months become always?_

She was too upset to stay down in the common room after that.

 

“Don’t kiss me, please,” was what Dorcas meant to say. It didn’t come out polite, though. It just sounded weird and awkward and a bit mean. But then, a lot did, lately. What she said was, “Don’t – stop it. Don’t kiss me.”

She didn’t even get the please out.

The library was full today, of course, so no one was paying attention to them. The coursework everyone had gotten was demanding their attention; they didn’t care about the social outcast and her boyfriend. She knew that anybody else who might be here was concentrating on their books and papers, or talking to their own friends and boy- or girlfriends and study buddies and just living their lives, but she could still swear she felt their judging eyes on her. _Why won’t you just kiss your boyfriend?_ they whispered. _Nothing serious. Just kiss him. Why won’t you kiss him?_

She didn’t know what it was. Cameron was one of the best people she’d ever met. He saw good in people. His bravery was a social one, less a reckless one – he was never afraid to stand up for what he believed in, for his friends, for her. He wasn’t unattractive, and he had an infectious smile coupled with a great sense of humor.

But even holding hands was – it just felt off. Wrong. Gross. And kissing was worse. Surely it should come more naturally than this? Surely she should like touching her boyfriend?

The worst part was his reaction.

“Okay.”

It was always okay, so simple and Merlin, so fucking understanding. Why did he always look at her like that, like it was fine, fine, fine? It wasn’t alright, God fucking damn it. She was broken. Something was wrong with her, in some unfixable way, and he just looked at her with those pitying eyes and said _okay_ , like it could be fixed, like this is something that will pass.

Will it ever pass?

She turned away from Cameron and focused – or pretended to focus – on the book she’d been reading prior to Cam’s arrival. “Maybe we can just… try again later. I’m just not feeling it.”

“Okay,” he said, and touched her shoulder lightly, perhaps trying to comfort her, before getting up. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.”

She could still feel the warmth of his hand where it had touched her minutes later. It didn’t tingle or anything like that, things she’d been told girls felt when they were touched by guys they liked, it just felt ten degrees warmer than the rest of her body. Like he’d burned her.

She rubbed the palm of her right hand with the thumb of her left one mindlessly, a nervous tick she hadn’t been able to get rid of over the years. She stared at the page in front of her, but the words refused to form into anything comprehensible. She should have tried harder – like anybody else, even more, she had workload after workload to get through before the weekend was through – but instead, gave up. She left the books on the table, not bothering to put them back on their appropriate shelves – she didn’t have the energy in her to do that much. She barely thought she would make it back to the common room; it was like she was emotionally and physically drained from just that insignificant interaction.

This was, incidentally, the only explanation she could give for her reaction to what happened a moment later, when she turned a corner and ran straight into Marlene, knocking both of them, and their stuff too, to the floor.

She flushed, and she – she – she –

No, that was… that was too weird. She was just thinking about her boyfriend, after all.

“I’m so sorry,” she said a moment later, coming to her senses. “I didn’t mean to – “

“It’s fine,” mumbled Marlene, and she seemed to be slightly embarrassed herself. “I was actually – well, I was actually just – “ She glanced up at Dorcas, who had already gotten up and was hlding her arm for Marlene to grab. “Thanks,” she said, taking up Dorcas’ offer. Dorcas let out a breath of relief – she wasn’t sure what would have happened if Marlene didn’t take her hand. She would’ve probably broken down, making this entire thing even more awkward. She pulled, and they were both stood, staring each other. The both of them then bent at the exact same moment to gather their things, banging their heads against each other and releasing a synchronized “Ow!”

“Ugh, sorry again,” Dorcas murmured, grabbing her things more hurriedly and backing up a step or two. She glanced up to find Marlene, still bent over, but not in shock or mumbling embarrassed things.

She was laughing. She was actually bent over, laughing.

And after a moment, Dorcas started laughing too. She wasn’t sure what was so funny, but it was. Maybe it was the casual comedy of people repeatedly knocking into each other; maybe it was that the two of them were being so polite in this day to day situation, when they’ve been so angry at each other for so long. Maybe it was just funny, for no good reason. Laughing feels good. Laughing with Marlene felt especially good.

Oh God. There was something so _wrong_ with Dorcas.

Marlene noticed that Dorcas wasn’t laughing anymore, but, presumably, didn’t understand why. “Listen,” she said softly. “I could never support what you did. I just wish you – “

“I would have never done it, you know.” Dorcas’ eyes bore into Marlene’s, trying to find any sense of understanding. “I would have never chosen them over Lily, or Mary, or you. I have bigoted parents. Don’t we all? But I just didn’t want to make that choice in the first place.”

“I get it,” Marlene said softly, and Dorcas saw that she did. “I was angry, too. I still am. And not because of you. I just didn’t know how to handle more than one betrayal. And time just seemed to make me more angry.”

“You’re not angry now,” Dorcas noted, her voice a bit shaky.

Marlene shook her head, and when she spoke, she sounded unsteady, too. “I _am_. I am so angry, Dorcas. Everything’s terrible. From anti-Muggleborn legislation to people dying, everything’s so bloody terrible. It’s all _shit_ ,” she said, and then it was like the faucet broke and she was just leaking. Dorcas ran over, ready to hug, but hesitated in the last moment. She didn’t know what to do in this kind of situation, she never did.

Marlene reached out and embraced her, and Dorcas relaxed into her arms.

She realized that they were once again standing amidst their own things, but they were both half-sobbing half-laughing and no longer really cared. And Dorcas really, really, _really_ liked being in Marlene’s embrace.

 

“Where’s James?” asked Remus when Sirius finally graced Peter and him with his presence at the abandoned classroom. It was long after midnight, and the rain was pouring outside the glass window. Just to set the mood, just as Sirius shut the door, lightning flashed, thunder following it mere moments later.

“I have no clue, mate,” he sighed. “Probably with his fucking girlfr- oh, hi James.”

James, with his hand in the middle of running through his hair, paused and looked around at the three boys, each wearing extremely different expressions: Remus, angry and unapologetic; Sirius, guilty and fidgeting; and Peter, just sort of bored and tired. “What’s going on?”

“Waiting for you,” said Peter. “I had an idea for something, you know, and the way this evening is going I’ll fall asleep before we even plan the full moon.”

“Sorry,” said James hastily, and Remus huffed and looked away. Sirius shuffled to his usual place between James and Peter, and, after clearing his voice, said, “So, Peter, what was your idea?”

“I think we should plan the full moon first,” he replied instead. “It really is more important, what with it coming up and everything.”

“But you said – “

“I’ll remember my own idea, thanks.”

“I get that, it’s just – “

“Merlin, Padfoot, let it go.”

“I don’t need your help, Moony, okay?”

“Peter, why won’t you just give us the fucking – “

“Dammit – can you guys just shut up?” James was flushed, despite not having actually said almost anything. He looked both angry and nervous, both upset and embarrassed. “I have something to tell you guys.”

And he told them almost everything Marlene told him, leaving out any details that he considered perhaps too private.

“Fuck, dude,” said Sirius, patting James’ back. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I feel bad for Marlene,” said Remus. “No one should have to go through so much.”

It was very quiet after that, and they were all left to ponder what any of this meant.

Remus had a very sudden craving for yellow cheese.

“We’re all going to, you know,” Peter said suddenly. When the three boys stared at him, he clarified, “We’re all going to go through some painful shit. But that doesn’t mean – I mean, we’re making a choice, every day, not to be like those Slytherins. I don’t know about you, but I feel a war coming. It’s in the air. I can fucking smell it sometimes. And if I know who I am – if I know anything about myself – I’m going to fucking fight.” He blushed, and looked around at his three best friends, basically staring at him. “It’s just – when I think of Lily, I can’t imagine anyone hating her. Or Mary. Or… or any of them. Marlene’s family – why would you… Why would you hate someone over anything as stupid as the way they were born? I was born with no sense of direction, should that be a reason to dislike me? But somebody’s parents are reasons not just to dislike, but to outright hate and to – and to – shit, _to kill_ someone! This is… I just…”

“I get it, mate,” said James, moving to hug him. “I get it.” The two embraced, and Sirius and Remus locked eyes for a moment.

“Life is shit,” said Remus finally. Sirius summoned some alcohol from their dorm and once it arrived – something undefined, and frankly, Remus was afraid to ask what it was, exactly – they all sat down to have drink.

“You know,” said James, “we haven’t pulled a prank in a long fucking while.”

“There was the cactus last month,” Remus pointed out.

“And the long-haired babushka, about a week and a half later,” remembered Sirius fondly.

James grinned. “Yeah, good times…” He sighed. “But you get my point.”

Peter coughed. “Right. About that…” And Peter told them his idea.

Sirius stared. “Shit, that just might work. And what with Valentines’ just around the corner…” He grinned mischievously. “I’ll start gathering the hearts.”

“We’ll need a lot of pink dye, I think,” said Remus. “I’ll talk to the elves.”

“Peter,” said James fondly, “this is exactly the kind of cunning trick that makes me like you so goddamn much.”

 

The funny thing is that Dorcas felt like she had some kind of secret, like a butterfly in her chest waiting for the right moment to fly. The sad thing was that it was just a hug, and that was becoming clearer with every moment passing.

They were both sitting in the common room. It was late and there was almost no one around. But Marlene was still chatting idly with the fifth year who had asked her a question earlier in the evening, ignoring Dorcas, who was seated not two feet away from her the entire time, reading essay after essay and not understanding a word.

The funny thing is, she didn’t care that it was weird. She felt slightly relieved, like the fact that Marlene _didn’t_ like her was better – and it _was_ better, or at least, it was _for_ the better. The sad thing is, for just a moment, she had let herself believe things could be different.

But they couldn’t, because this was Dorcas, and she was broken. Something was wrong with her – several things – and they would stay broken until she figured out how to fix herself.

 

It was Monday, February 7th, 1977. Exactly one week before Valentine’s Day, and five days before the Valentine’s day weekend. The morning started normal for most of everyone: getting dressed and ready for classes, finding their way down to the Hall… Finding a huge, fluffy, pink-and-red heart blocking their way to the doors.

It wasn’t one, big heart. It was a collection of about a thousand of them, stuck together in a very clumsy way. Some of them were photos of actual hearts painted a hot pink, others were pink parchment cut-out, some were paper – though Merlin knows where that came from. Surrounding the heart was some kind of white, airy material, which reminded many of frosting. In big, swirly, fancy yet also clumsy lettering, was written ‘HAPPY EARLY VALENTINE’S’. Beneath that were the illegible signatures of four different people. Nobody seemed willing to touch it.

That by itself was odd enough, but then someone screamed. “OH MY SH – MERLIN’S SOGGY BEHIND!” the shrilly voice said. “LOOK AT THE WHOMPING WILLOW!”

The crowd which had built up in front of the giant heart shuffled outside. The Whomping Willow, indeed, warranted screaming for Merlin’s soggy behind, and much more than that. Its trunk was dyed the same awful pink color most of the photos had been, and its branches were colored a deep, blood red. Ribbons were hanging from most of them, and there were a few – were those sheets? – _things_ that wrapped all around. Instead of remnant dead leaves and snow, underneath the Willow there were hundreds of thousands more tiny hearts, such as the ones made from parchment used to make the big one. If anybody would care to pick them up, they would see about 100 different Valentine-themed messages written on them, though some were rarer than others. Comments such as _‘your arse is the best, believe in it’_ were copied less often, for fear of McGonagall probably, while messages such as _‘I’d conjure the plague for you’_ were quite common, though the true meaning was lost on most students.

It was soon discovered that a permanent sticking charm had been used on the giant heart, and students were let in to the Great Hall via a side door most of anyone didn’t know even existed while the teachers worked on trying to remove the thing.

If there was any doubt in anyone’s mind as to who had done it, it disappeared quickly, as on the other side there already were four sixth year Gryffindor students, sitting at their table – well, on the table – enjoying their breakfast already, laughing and smiling and joking around.

And, well, if they were given detention for the next three days despite their being no real proof, it was worth it.


	21. Of Date Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: James and Marlene are in a bad spot in their relationship. We’ve met a guy named Benjy Fenwick. Dorcas and Cam are in a relationship but Dorcas is all wiggly about it. She’s not quite as wiggly about talking to Marlene, though. Sirius and Lily had a fight.

Chapter 20

_Or_

Of Date Night

 

“Mate!”

“What, Sirius?” said James, exasperated. “What?”

“Where _are_ you right now?” Sirius said. “ _Concentrate_.”

“I’m trying, but all I can think of is – “

“I don’t care. This is important stuff.”

“It’s a game.”

“I don’t see your point.”

“Sirius, if you don’t let me think about my next move, I’m not going to make my move.”

“Fine.”

“Great. Rook to B3.”

“Knight to B3.”

“Shit.”

James and Sirius were in a particularly secluded area in the common room, to avoid the usual crowd that would gather around their chess games. They had shooed away a couple of first years, and three fourth years moved to farther away seats when the game didn’t escalate to anything interesting. Their banter was half-hearted at best, and bitter. The usual cheating, the hexes, the need for fighting, it just wasn’t there today.

“You’re the one who took forever to make a mistake.”

“I wasn’t blaming you.”

“I didn’t say you were.”

“Queen to D8.”

“Crap.”

“You’re the one who didn’t think before making a mistake.”

“Fuck you. Mate.”

“Am I interrupting something?”

James and Sirius both turned abruptly. Lily was standing there, clutching a bunch of books and magazines to her chest. She was looking at the chess game, but she didn’t seem to be referring to the board.

“Only in the literal sense,” grumbled Sirius. Lily ignored him.

“Potter, these are for you,” she said.

James stared at her for a moment. “What are for me?”

“Oh, right,” she said, shuffling through her things and shoving the magazines into his hand. “McGonagall told me to tell you to look at them. Apparently they’re really old issues that she doesn’t need anymore, or something, but she said that they might interest you. They’re, uh, _Transfiguration Today_ , mostly, I think.”

“Oh, okay,” James said, smiling hesitantly. “Thanks, Evans.”

“Don’t mention it. Congratulations on the heart and stuff the other day, by the way,” she said. “It was pretty cool.” They didn’t murmur their thanks. She then spent a moment staring at each of them – James, Sirius, and then the board – and said to Sirius, “You seem to be losing.”

“I am.”

“Well, then I’d probably move that pawn to D5.” While Sirius looked at the board, Lily turned around, saying, “Well, I have a prefect’s meeting to go to. Bye.”

And then she was gone.

“She’s right. Pawn to D5.”

“Sirius!”

“What? The point is to win, you know.”

“Is it?”

“Merlin, just make your move already.”

 

She wanted to run her hand through his hair. It was too neat, and she felt like messy hair would probably suit him more.

“Lily?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you take the shift?”

Lily snapped back into attention, looking at Frank. “Which one?”

“The one tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow’s Thursday, right?”

“Friday.”

“Right. Then, sure.”

“Okay, so Lupin and Evans for Friday. Fenwick, how are you for…”

Oh, his eyes, too. He was looking at her, and his eyes were so huge and so _brown_. Like chocolate. Or coffee. Or the ground after first rain.

“Are you okay, Evans?”

She blinked. It was the end of the meeting. Shit. She needed to stop _doing_ that.

“Hey, Lily, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, thanks.” She smiled half-heartedly at Remus, who was waiting for her near the door, beckoning for him to continue without her. “Really, I’m fine. I just got a little… dizzy, for a moment.”

She sat there, her hands in her lap and her hair hiding her face from the world, or possibly, the world from her. She took a few deep breaths, then looked up and nearly had a heart attack.

She had assumed she was alone. Evidently, she was wrong.

“Wha – are you okay?”

“Yes. Yes, I’m fine. Just – why are you still here?”

“Why are _you_ still here?”

“I, uh, I was dizzy.”

“Well, I was looking over this.” He gestured to the pile of papers he had in front of them. “Do you – uh, do you need help to get back to your dorm?”

“No.”

“Oh, okay.”

“But thanks, really. Like, that was very – uh, very sweet of you. I’m just. I don’t think I – I’m sorry. I would actually love it.”

“Oh, okay. Then, uh. Let’s go?”

“Yea – yes. Right. Okay.”

 

They were holding hands. Sort of. He had been helping her up and then it just sort of stayed that way.

“So, anyway – here we are.”

Wait, what? How could they already be at Gryffindor tower? It hadn’t been nearly enough time.

“Uh, Fenwick – “

“Yeah?” He turned around. His cheeks were a bit flushed, and he was smiling in the most adorable way. Like he was looking at a puppy. Or a baby. Something you couldn’t help but smile at. (Honestly, she wanted to smile so bad, she couldn’t quite grasp why she wasn’t doing so. It felt like her entire face had turned into some weird kind of jelly or something.)

“WouldyouliketogotoHogsmeadewithme?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Right. Yeah. Uhm.” She coughed. “Would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me?”

Benjy grinned. “This weekend? Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then – at eight, at the great hall?”

“Great.”

“Great. Then – then I’ll see you there.”

“Yep.”

He turned around abruptly. She waited until he was gone and gave a great big sigh.

“Cute, that one,” said the Fat Lady.

“Porcupine,” said Lily, and the Fat Lady, reluctantly, swung forward. She rushed, practically ran, all the way to her dorm – James and Sirius weren’t playing anymore – and crashed onto her bed.

“Merlin,” said Tally in that gruff tone she seemed to have all the time now. “What’s wrong with you?”

Lily ignored her, flipping to lie on her back. Her face was flushed, and not from the physical exertion of running up too many steps.

About an hour later, she was talking to Mary. “I asked him,” she said.

“And?” Mary asked urgently.

Lily giggled.

She actually _giggled_.

“He said yes! We’re going to Hogsmeade together,” she said with a smile as wide as the sea. “He was so cute! His hair is not messy enough, but everything else about him is so…” She sighed in glee. “Perfect.”

“I can’t believe you’re going on a date with _him_. Of all people, too,” Mary said.

“Neither can I.”

She was going on a date with Benjy Fenwick. On Valentine’s day weekend.

It was going to be the best weekend ever.

 

“This is going to be fun,” Cam said. Dorcas nodded, holding his hand. He was much warmer than she felt. Why did Valentines’ have to be in the middle of February, of all months? It was so cold.

They stepped into The Three Broomsticks. She spotted Marlene and her heart did cartwheels for a moment. Marlene waved at her, sort of, and she nodded and followed Cam to get something to drink.

Marlene was here with James. Not with her. _Relax_ , she told herself. _It’s a hopeless crush, nothing else._

_Shit. Do I have a crush?_

She glanced at Marlene, who was sipping out of her Butterbeer and very obviously not looking at anyone, instead, staring at the ceiling. _Merlin’s sorry arse,_ she thought. _I have a crush._

Dorcas wanted to jump out of a window. _Anything is better than this._

 

Madam Puddifoot’s. For some, a hellhole of romantic bullshit with some sugary glue on the side. For others, a haven of chocolaty goodness and adorable fluff. For Lily, it was a mystery she’d never thought she would have to tackle.

It’s not that this was her first ever date. It’s just that they had somehow never _gone_ anywhere. In fourth year, Carl Casington – then a sixth year, and a fellow Muggleborn – asked her just before the winter holidays, and he actually took her to the movies. He tried to kiss her afterwards, but managed only to rub his oily, pimply cheek on hers. Another date of hers was in the beginning of fifth, and he was a Hufflepuff. She couldn’t actually remember if his name was Paul or John, just that he never understood any of her Beatles references and that he never got past taking her to the Astronomy tower for their first date, because the first one had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

So far, Benjy had been nothing but courteous. But it wasn’t going to be anything more, and she thought that he could tell as well.

Life would go on if they didn’t go on another date. There was nothing heart-stopping, no spark, no electricity-filled moments. It was warm, friendly. Holding his hand was nothing like Mary had described to Tally, early on in third year, when she had gone on the first date out of all of them – Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas were listening in secret, pretending to do homework, but Mary obviously knew, or was trying to brag, as she was talking much louder than she usually would.

(She was still fantasizing about messing up his hair. His tie could be a bit looser, and his smile was too… straight. His face was too symmetrical when he smiled.)

Madam Puddifoot’s was different for each person who went there. For some, a nightmare of pink and red, for others, a much needed romantic escape.

Right now, for Lily, it was like a distraction. A huge, fuchsia pink bubble that was jumping up and down, preventing her from dealing with the fact that this guy – who was adorable and quiet and polite – wasn’t the guy for her.

And she had liked him so much just a few hours ago.

“Thank you,” she told the waitress who was taking away the teapot. “How much was it?”

“I can pay – “ Benjy started saying.

“Nah, I was the only one who ate anything. I’ll pay.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Money changed hands, and Benjy and Lily went outside. It was cold out, though reasonable for a February evening. Benjy’s fingers were twitching.

“It’s not going to work out,” Lily said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. The wind was blowing and messing his hair up a bit, which she was all for, but that probably meant that _her_ hair was getting tangled up as well.

“No, it isn’t,” Benjy agreed, seeming relieved. “I didn’t want to say anything quite yet, but – “

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”

It was a voice Lily recognized. Not just recognized, but in fact knew very well. The familiarity extended to this very tone of voice, as it was James Potter who burst out of The Three Broomsticks, yelling and – were those tears?

 _That_ was new.

“I WANT YOU TO PAY ATTENTION!” screamed Marlene, and did she - glance at Lily’s direction? “I WANT YOU TO GIVE A DAMN! INSTEAD YOU IGNORE ME, GO PLAY WITH YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS… I WANT YOU TO STOP. MERLIN – “

“WELL WHY DON’T WE?”

His face was flushed, though, oddly enough, not as flushed as he tended to be when _they_ argued. His glasses were askew and slightly foggy. His eyes were puffy and he was wiping leftover tears away.

“Why don’t we?” he repeated, though he seemed to be talking to himself.

Marlene stared at him for a moment, her mouth left open in shock. Lily realized she had pushed her way to the front, so she now stood an arm’s length away from her, and when Marlene turned around, she automatically reached for her. “Oh, Marlene,” she whispered.

Marlene pulled away from her. “I told you so much,” she said, glancing for a moment at James,  and it seemed as if she would say something heartbreakingly sad, or hurtful. Instead, she turned around, and, as she walked away, said coldly, “If I hear any of it around school, I will come for you.”


	22. Of Snapshots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Benjy and Lily tried to date but that didn’t work, and James and Marlene had a very, very public fight, and Lily and James had this weird thing that was stopped, at least on Lily’s part, by the fact that James and Marlene were together, so where does that leave them? Oh and Dorcas has a huge crush on Marlene and Marlene is the only girl in the dorm talking to her. Is this even a love triangle or a love pentagon? We don’t know!

Chapter 21

_Or_

Of Snapshots

 

“I can’t deal with all of this work,” sighed Lily, crashing all of her books onto the table. This was, tragically, a loud enough action to send Madam Buchanan over to silence her. Lily nodded profusely, assuring her it was a one-time thing that shall never, ever, be repeated. When the librarian was gone, she resumed complaining. “I have so much to do, I want to cry. Thank God for Easter, or I’d probably have no hope of catching up.”

“You’re telling me,” sighed Mary. “I don’t know how you’re dealing with all of this extra work. I’ve got two classes less than you and I’m _drowning_.”

“Three classes, actually,” said Lily, looking slightly embarrassed for the correction.

“No, I’m taking Astronomy, remember?”

“Yeah, but – “

“You two should just be glad you’re not studying for your N.E.W.T.s yet,” said Benjy, putting his head in his hands and making a whimper-like sound.

“There, there,” said Lily, patting his back. “Think about it like this. You’re one year closer than the two of us to getting rid of – all of this. You’re almost done.”

“Oh God,” he said. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. You’re right. I’m almost done. I’ll be fine. C’mon, let’s get back to work.”

That they did, or at least attempted to. Pretty soon Mary and Lily were both distracted by muffled giggling behind them, which turned out to be – surprise, surprised – Marlene and Dorcas.

“The two of those are really chummy lately, huh?” said Benjy, without looking up from the book he was trying to concentrate on.

“Pretty much insefferable,” said Mary. “That’s a combination of inseparable and insufferable. I made it up especially for them. Whenever Dorcas isn’t with her ‘ _I-Only-Have-Eyes-For-You’_ boyfriend, she’s with her, and sometimes they all hang out together, and it’s a huge gross-fest.”

“Mary!” whispered Lily.

“What? It’s true.”

“Yes, but… not quite so loud.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Anyway,” said Lily, “I think it’s good that Marlene is talking to someone, even if it _is_ her own brother – who’s _required_ to speak to her – and someone as iffy and betrayal-y as Dorcas.”

“Whoa, bitter much?” said Benjy, taken aback.

“Yeah, sorry,” said Lily. “I just – I miss both of them. I really like you guys, but the three of us used to be a – a team, or something. And then last year happened, and…”

“And it’s hard to come back from things like that, sometimes, yeah, I know,” said Mary, looking down at her hands. Lily hugged her, trying to comfort her, when a voice came from their left.

“Honestly, this conversation is so depressing, I’d rather be doing homework.”

Sirius smirked at them, waiting for a comeback. Lily had one waiting, but things had been weird between them for a while now, and she wasn’t sure if she could use it in their new position. Like they were friends-in-waiting. It was a “let’s be strangers but still having friend-feelings for each other” kind of situation.

“Why don’t you go annoy your actual friends, Black,” said Benjy, exasperated. “Friends who don’t have to study.”

“You see, I would, but,” said Sirius, “Remus is sick, James is in practice, and, well – I think Peter’s avoiding me, but it might just be that time of the month. So here I am, trying to study, even though I _know_ it’s pointless, and – “

“Sirius?” said Mary.

“Yeah, honey-boo-boo?”

“You know that no one in this whole bloody library gives a shit about whether it’s James’ and Peter’s time of the month, right?”

Lily and Sirius both burst out laughing. “That,” Sirius said, “was the best sentence ever uttered.”

“You’re both ridiculously childish,” said Mary. “Some of us – “

What some of us are is something that shall never be known, because at that moment Madam Buchanan kicked all four of them out.

“This is – “ began Lily.

“A much better use of your time?” said Sirius.

“Go to hell.”

“Not right now, I’m procrastinating.”

“I’m going to study outside, since it looks so nice out,” she said to Mary and Benjy, defiantly not looking at Sirius. “Come with me?”

 

“Sure, I’ll come along. Where are we going?” asked Sirius, joining Remus and James’ conversation.

“To Diagon Alley, this weekend. I’m out of chocolate, he’s out of Firewhiskey – where have you been?” asked Remus, pointing at a large ink stain on his shirt.

“At the library.”

“What,” sighed Remus, “were you doing there, exactly?”

Sirius grinned at his two friends, but only James grinned back. “Well, at first I was there to look at something about – uh, nothing much really.” He’d said the last part very quickly, very pointedly _not_ looking at Remus. “Anyway, I ended up getting chased out of the library along with Evans and her two study buddies. _She_ ,” he said bitterly, “threw her ink cartridge on me when I suggested – well, anyway. I might have been a bit rude.”

James wasn’t grinning anymore.

“What? It was just a bit of joking around, is all,” Sirius said. “Anyway, why is it that all of your chocolate’s gone, Moony? Didn’t you _just_ get some from your mother about two weeks ago? There was enough to last at least a month there.”

“Yes, and then I made the mistake of sharing it with James here, because of his birthday. So during Easter weekend, on Saturday, we’re going shopping, and he’s going to – “

“Saturday,” interrupted Sirius. “But, Prongs, I thought that – “ He stopped in the middle of his sentence, clearly not sure how to continue.

“I’ll be there, and so will – everyone,” said James. “Don’t worry.”

Sirius raised his hands in surrender. “Not worrying.”

 

_THE ‘NEW TRACE’ LAW WILL BE VOTED ON THIS WEEKEND_

_The holidays are a chance for celebrating, unless you are the ever-hard working, and the still single, Lucius Malfoy,_ writes Daily Prophet correspondent, Rita Skeeter _. This weekend he shall be laboring hard, attempting at making history._

“ _Though he was too busy to give us yet another exclusive interview_ – oh, she makes it sounds like she’s had loads!” cried Lily. “You – she’s – you know what, I don’t have a swearword nasty enough for this woman.”

“It’s not her fault that Lucius Malfoy is a bigoted douche,” said Benjy, taking a bite out of his breakfast apple. It was the morning before the Easter holidays, and tomorrow morning they would all be going home. Benjy didn’t have class Wednesday mornings, and Charms – which is what Lily and Mary had that morning – was canceled for some reason, and Lily and Mary had taken their time getting ready that morning thanks to it, and were looking much better than they had looked in the past month or so. And so, all of these factors combined, the three of them were relaxing a bit, not hurrying or rushing. Benjy was sitting at the Gryffindor table, which had become rather unremarkable during the past few weeks. “Why do you care about this so much, anyway?” he asked. “It’s not like you know any werewolves.”

Lily choked on her toast. “Right, of course not,” she said, coughing a bit. “It’s just that – well, I think it’s inhumane. And it’s in bad taste that she’s practically building her career on this. Not to mention, well, where they burn werewolves – “

“They might end up burning books?” asked Mary, distractedly.

Benjy frowned. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it goes.”

“I was going to say Muggleborns, actually,” said Lily.

“I _really_ hope that’s not how it goes,” said Benjy, now in a place far beyond simple frowning. “I rather like not being burned alive, thank you very much.”

“Excuse me,” Sirius, plopping down next to them. “Why would anyone burn you alive? Wouldn’t that be a waste of wood, at the very least?”

“We were talking about that Malfoy,” explained Benjy. “Anti-werewolf legislation talk turned into Muggleborn talk.”

“Not that that’s any of your business,” said Mary sharply. “What are you doing here?”

“Ah, yes, well. I don’t remember, actually,” Sirius admitted. “But, since you brought it up – how are you guys with protests?”

“It depends,” said Lily.

“On what?”

“On what we’re protesting. Also, on how much of a douche you can be.”

“Ouch, Evans, you’ve wounded me.”

“Only because I meant to,” Lily said, smirking.

 

“It doesn’t hurt at all,” swore James.

“Crap, Prongs,” said Remus. “Your leg was shattered in _three places_.”

“Oh, don’t be such a sour-wolf,” said Sirius, clapping a hand on Remus’ back. “It’ll mend right back and he’ll be alright by tonight.”

“It’s not like he’s never broken anything before…” muttered Peter.

“Yeah, but – “ Remus stuttered. “ _Merlin_ , man. You won’t have Madam Pomfrey forever.”

“’Course I will,” grinned James.

“Besides,” continued Remus, as if uninterrupted. “We all know what this is really about.”

Sirius and Peter nodded, and James groaned. “We’ve _talked_ about this already,” whined James. “I’m not broken up with her, and even if I was – “

“You’re kidding yourself, and it’s only hurting you, mate,” said Sirius. “I mean, I could watch you make a fool of yourself all day, but it’s gone past that by now. Marlene and you have broken up, and all you’ve done since is hurt yourself, again and again. Like you’re punishing yourself or some other shit like it. And, mate, _this is absolutely nuts_.”

“This would all be fine and well, _if I were broken up with Marlene_ , which I’m not,” said James. “So fuck off.”

“Mate – “

“Did you bring me any of the sweets that you found stashed under my pillow?”

“Most of it,” said Peter, handing him the bag of sweets.

“How much did you eat?” wondered James, grabbing it and digging in.

“Remus took most of the chocolate, I took the two pumpkin pasties – you never get enough of those, and I just don’t get the hate – and Sirius – well, I think he just sort of grabbed whatever came first,” admitted Peter. “Since when have you known we knew about it?”

James pretended to concentrate. “Since when have you known about its existence?”

“Last Sunday.”

“Last Sunday, then.”

 

“Good lord,” said Marlene. “That long?”

“Nah,” answered Dorcas. “I think it must have been edible for at least a week. Then it went all mushy and brown. I think they’re feeding us poison.”

“Why did you keep one of them, anyway?” Marlene giggled, stuffing a muffin in her mouth. “They’re dishgushting.”

“I know, but – “

The door opened, and the two girls calmed down their laughing pretty quickly. Tally had walked in, and – as usual – she looked… Well, the way she always looked these days. Tired and angry.

After she stopped speaking to Mary – and most likely, stopped harboring feelings for Sirius Black, which was a stupid thing to do anyway, since he never seemed interested in _anyone_ – Tally changed. Radically. It took a while, but eventually she formed into this… _thing_. She still looked mousy, but now she was more like a rat – gray and sagging in places. Dorcas thought she must be on drugs, but Marlene thought it was more likely that she was “hanging around the wrong sort, is all”. Whatever it was, she was skipping classes and, when she actually attended them, was inattentive and sluggish. It wasn’t quite like she was in a haze – it was more like she just didn’t seem to care anymore.

In any case, it was a bit odd, speaking of private things next to her. Or even not so private things. Luckily, sleeping purposes notwithstanding, she never seemed to be around Gryffindor tower… except, apparently, right now.

There were a couple of awkward, silent moments, while Tally rummaged through the pile of junk that was now her stuff. She never cleaned it up anymore. Before _it_ happened she was possibly the most organized girl in the room aside from Dorcas.

“Shit – I forgot my notes in Charms,” cried Marlene suddenly. “Dorcas, come with me to get my notes. From Charms.”

“Yeah, sure,” said Dorcas, grabbing a sweater with her as Marlene dragged her. “Are we leaving because – “

“Shhh,” said Marlene.

Here’s something that people never seemed to grasp about Dorcas: she was rude. And loud. And quite possibly on the autistic scale, with how she treated the people around her. And sometimes when she laughed she couldn’t stop laughing to the point of annoying everyone near her. And even though she had been this way her entire life, Marlene and Lily somehow never ceased to be amazed by this, never seemed to stop being surprised when she said something inappropriate or rude or otherwise somehow _wrong_.

They always forgave her. Both of them. But Lily was the one who understood. Lily, with her temper – she understood what it was like to overreact in a way you couldn’t control. Both of them with their fires, they understood each other in a way that Marlene never would. They got on each other’s nerves, of course – but they were twin flames, not opposites.

And suddenly, like a gigantic wave, it hit her how horrible it was that she couldn’t _talk_ to Lily, how much she missed their friendship, how horrible it was that she had messed up and had no one like Lily left.

And right there, Dorcas asked – because this thought, for some reason, made her brave – “Marlene, what’s going on with you and James?”

And Marlene turned around and said, “I’ve told you a million times, we’re just – “

 

“ – on a break,” James said. “Fuckin’ hell, would you lay off already?”

“James, we can’t have you distracted before the final game, mate, is all I’m saying,” said Sirius. “Quidditch is important.”

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” said Remus, “But I agree with Sirius. You’ve been moping all year and when you’re finally free of this thing you’re moping after you can’t seem to let go.”

“Sirius has been on my back all year, if anything,” said James. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I am not giving up on Marlene. Just because we had a little fight – “

“A _little_ _fight_? Mate, you didn’t have some lover’s spat in a private room. You screamed at each other in front of all of Hogsmeade, even in front of that weird lady who sometimes offers me old handbags.”

“Sirius, you’re not helping,” said Remus.

Peter intervened now with a new approach. “Prongs, I know you’re having a hard a time, but you’re not focusing on the important stuff is all we’re saying. If you were capable of failing, I’m pretty sure you would be, and that’s the hard truth. You’re like a ghoul.”

Everyone looked at Peter oddly. “Ghoul?” asked Remus. “That wouldn’t be my first choice.”

“Yeah, but they’re infinitely cooler than zombies,” said Peter, unwavering. “I’ll explain it to you sometime.”

Remus was about to answer but his eyes landed on the clock in the room. He paled. “I’m late to my shift,” he said, adding a string of curses.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” cried Sirius, but Remus was already out the door - only one finger had remained, and then that was gone too.

“I should go, too,” sighed Peter. “McGonagall wanted to meet with me about that – thing. Anyway. I’ll see you guys tonight.”

“’Bye, Wormy,” said Sirius in a sing-song voice.

 

“Hey, Evans, d’you have a moment to spare?”

“Huh?” Lily looked up from the piles of papers on her table. In front of her was standing James Potter in all his glory, messing up his hair in a certain kind of nervousness, and she was suddenly struck by the fact that James was _handsome_ in all the right ways. Sure, he was a bit _long_ in a lanky sort of way, but he was well built, quick and hard lined, like a charcoal drawing.

She shouldn’t have admired him like that. He was, technically, still the boyfriend of a girl who was, technically, her closest friend.

(Even if they had fought the way they did. Even if she wasn’t speaking to her. It was wrong, and she shouldn’t have done it.)

“Lily,” he said, and it was infuriating for some reason. She itched to be anywhere else, somewhere far away from him. How did he find her, anyway? She was sitting in a random hole in the library. But it probably took him little to no effort to figure out where she was, just like everything else he did. He himself was effortless. Sitting the way he did, stretched so far backwards he was practically horizontal, never concentrating on class and yet never missing his mark. _She_ had to study, to work. Why was it that he got to be _James Potter in all his glory_ , while she was messy and probably had ink on her cheek from when she had an itch and scratched there earlier?

“Do you have a moment?” he asked again, and this time she registered just how nervous he was. Was he going to ask her out again? _No, of course not, don’t be ridiculous, Lily,_ she chastised herself. _He’s got a bloody girlfriend._

“Yeah, uh, sure,” she said. Then, realizing that he was waiting for her, she pushed her quills and books and parchment into a neat pile which she then shoved into her bag. “Let’s go.”

And like every other conversation that’s ever mattered, they ended up in that same abandoned classroom in one of the lower levels. And Lily sat down, and James constantly ran his hands through his hair, and there was a silence that could only be shattered, not broken.

And James did.

“Did you and Sirius – “ he began, then frowned, and retried. “Were you two ever a couple?”

Lily didn’t reply, too shocked to say anything. Then she started laughing, and laughing, and laughing. “Is that – “ she said, partially choking on her own laughter, “ – is that why you took me here?”

James, who suddenly saw the humor in the situation, roared very suddenly. The two of them, so suddenly transitioning from the serious to the hilarious, laughed for much longer than was appropriate, before, finally, their breathing became less shallow and frantic, and the room grew quiet again.

Deep breath. “We weren’t, you know,” said Lily. “Together.”

“It’s just – I see the way he looks at you,” said James.

Lily sighed and looked away. “Potter – “

“James.”

She nodded. “James. Sirius and I were close. He was there for me and you haven’t really been there for him. We never discussed your group’s secrets or anything, but I think we trusted each other enough to – say some things we wouldn’t have said otherwise. But we were never together – it was never anything more or less than an understanding. And Potter – James – “ She sighed again, locking eyes with him and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. James’ left hand was, of course, in his hair. His eyes had never seemed clearer, and she shouldn’t have, she shouldn’t have, she shouldn’t be focusing on the color of his eyes – “James, he’s your best friend. What’s going on that you couldn’t just ask him yourself?”

James’ hand left the mop-like mess on the top of his head and he focused on her and it looked like he was trying to find something in her eyes. Unrelenting, she stared back.

“I think Sirius is angry at me,” he admitted. “And I thought – maybe – “ He sighed and waited a moment, before looking away.

“James – “

“You’re coming to the protest, right?”

“Of course. James – “

“What?”

“You should just talk to him. If you think he might be – ew – interested in me, and if you think he’s angry at you – you should just talk to him. You shouldn’t just – wait for him to explode.”

“Evans – “

“Lily.”

“Lily. You’re right, of course.”

“Of course.”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now this website, too, is all caught up! My update schedule, though constantly fluctuating, is roughly once a month. I estimate this story will be done around chapter 40, more or less. Chapter 24 will be split into two parts, similarly to chapter 2, and will end the sixth year. Ya'all are welcome to contact me if you want, preferably through my writing tumblr: illtakeitunderconsideration.tumblr.com  
> Hope you enjoyed reading this story :D


	23. Of Changing the Tide and First Priorities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: There is some kind of protest planned, and Lily has advised James to confront Sirius about the tension between them. Also, Dorcas has feelings for Marlene and James and Marlene have sort of broken up.

Chapter 22

_Or_

Of Changing the Tide and First Priorities

 

(Part 1: Insert Prejudice Here)

People fight. Things fall apart. And even though things can come together all too easily, they can come apart just as quickly.

Sometimes, you need to let it all out or you’ll explode. Sometimes, if you don’t tell someone exactly how you feel, what you feel will burn a hole through you and leave you empty, and wanting, and with nothing but coal and ashes.

Some things are more important. Some things take precedence. But eventually, all of it will be acknowledged and let out, no matter what comes first or last. The truth seeks the light of day, and is not satisfied by anything less.

 

“ _There is evil in this world_ ,” said a man, reading from a pamphlet. He was dressed in a dark purple gown with deep pockets, and it seemed to be at least one size too big, because he had to push the sleeves back in order to hold the piece of parchment. His beard was a moderate length, for a wizard, and short, if you compared it to Albus Dumbledore’s beard. ( _His_ beard was a magnificent beard, rivaled by few.) “ _There is evil in this world and it needs to be sent back to where it came from. The first stage must come from within us. We cannot let this prejudice take over! We cannot let what is currently being called the Werewolf Registration Act pass! And so, on Saturday, two days before this year’s Easter, we shall gather to protest at_ – well,” said the man, interrupting his own narration. “Here.”

The audience laughed. All in all, there were probably about three hundred of them, which was more than some of them expected, and far less than they had hoped. More would join them as they marched through Diagon Alley, most likely; that’s how this - type of thing – went. People were always late to this – type of thing.

The official plan ended in the marching; the unofficial plan included mass Apparition to the Ministry itself afterward. This plan was spread from mouth to ear; though everyone knew about it, nobody spoke of it aloud. Some people weren’t even sure it was properly legal. Most of them, really. Almost all of them.

Lily was making her way through the crowd, searching for her friends. Even thirty people could be a lot in a place as small as this, a back room in the Leaky Cauldron she had never known existed before; three hundred was just excessive. To find anyone in this mess was virtually impossible.

Which is why she bumped into Sirius Black three seconds later. He somehow constantly managed to beat the odds. “Hey!” she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Hey!”

“Where is everyone?” she asked, looking to his left, to see if James or Peter were behind him.

“Well, Peter isn’t here yet, and James is in charge of bringing Remus, so,” Sirius shrugged. “They’ll all probably be a while. I did see Alice a while back, but she disappeared on me. What about you?”

“Me? I’m here!” exclaimed Lily. “Can’t you tell?”

Sirius snorted. “Seriously, though,” he added. “Where are Mary? Marlene? Benjy?”

“Ben can’t make it, actually,” Lily said. “His parents locked him in the house, pretty much. He said he’d try and come around when we’re at the ministry. And I have no idea where anyone else is.”

They stood and stared at the crowd around them for a while.

“That was a good speech, that guy made,” Lily said suddenly.

“Yeah, that’s actually a funny story, how he got chosen,” said Sirius. “You see, we had a problem finding someone who would willingly be the face of the – “

“Not telling the same old story again, are you?” grumbled Peter. “I’ve heard that story half a dozen times.”

“Yes, well, Evans hasn’t, you nitwit,” Sirius said. He punched Peter lightly in that way boys do, and added, “Any news?”

“No, not really. I hope James and Sirius show up soon, because I heard from that chick from Chelsea that we’re about to start.” Peter took out a pumpkin pasty and chewed nervously. “I still can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“Hey, we’ll be okay, don’t you worry,” said Sirius, flashing a winning smile at him. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“But we are doing something illegal,” Peter pointed. Sirius waved him off. “So totally not the same thing. James! You got here! Wait, where’s Remus?”

“Puking in the bathroom,” said James. “Considering the time it took me to get him to come, I can’t believe he’s wasting even more of it by emptying the contents of his stomach. It’s okay, we’ll just replenish them later.” Peter piped up at the mention of food, but was interrupted by Sirius asking, “Where did Evans go?”

Lily had decided that looking for Mary was the best idea for her right now, and had disappeared into the crowd a few moment ago. Surprisingly, she managed to find her friend extremely quickly – she was right at the center of the crowd, handing out fliers. Her face was flushed with the heat and excitement, and she was babbling to someone Lily didn’t recognize. Her gaze wandered, locked onto Lily, and lit up even more as she waved her over. “Hi!” she yelled, animated and _really_ loud. “You finally made it!”

Lily pushed her way past a couple of witches, not particularly interested in shouting over the bustling crowd. She hugged Mary and saw the person she had been talking to melting into the crowd. “I’ve been here for a while, actually,” she said loudly. “I just – “

But the crowd had grown to loud. The man who had been reading from the pamphlet was now speaking into several wands and saying, “Let us march!”

 

Lily’s memory of the next few hours would be vague. When pressed, she would spit out things like:

Glimpses of friends, and non-friends, and other people with whom she had volatile relationships.

Hugging and laughing.

Becoming one with the crowd.

Marching, not for her, not for Remus, but for everyone.

 

James’ memory of the next few hours would be sharp, clear as day. He will remember every moment, felt animated. His three best mates by his side - Remus slightly disgruntled, but eventually, they all knew, he would understand, and be far too grateful. He will remember seeing Marlene and Dorcas and not knowing what to do or how to act. He will remember seeing Lily out of the corner of his eye and refusing to watch her because today, of all days, was not about her.

 

Mary’s memory of the next few hours would be defining. She will think back to this moment later in life and realize she would have never made a single decision the same way had she not gone to this protest. She would realize, someday, just how important this day was to finding herself.

 

Remus’ memory of the next few hours would be covered with a mix of guilt and gratefulness and pain. He knew it wasn’t just for him, but right now, people were marching for people like him, and nobody knew exactly what was legal and what wasn’t and he felt so happy, like he belonged. Like this was where he was meant to be right now, with his mates and with this crowd that cared.

 

Sirius’ memory of the next few hours would consist, similarly to Lily, of flashes. Of slogans. Of faces. But the clearest memory he would retain would be of the following exchange, at a moment when Remus was feeling more guilty than grateful.

“But aren’t you all risking so much for me? This entire endeavor could get all of you thrown in jail!”

To which James responded, glee in his voice: “C’mon, Remus – what’s life without a little risk?”

 

On the doorstep of the Potter home there was a letter. It wasn’t addressed to any of the Potters, as would be expected of a letter left on the Potter home’s doorstep. It was big, and yellowing, and in curved, bold letters on the back of it was written Sirius Black’s name.

 

(Part 2: Fire in the Home)

For no reason whatsoever, almost nobody Apparated to the ministry afterwards.

Perhaps it was because everyone was tired. Perhaps people were afraid.

Most likely it didn’t happen simply because it didn’t seem to be happening, and people started going home, and then people noticed that people were going home and then it was pretty obvious that things were falling apart and that there was almost no one left to organize a mass Apparition anyway. So it didn’t happen.

And so, after a long, tired day, everybody went home.

 

Marlene

Marlene went home with Dorcas. Not in the sense that she went to Dorcas’ home, but in the sense that Dorcas accompanied Marlene to her home. They sat in the kitchen for a couple of hours and talked over food and pumpkin juice, and then they moved to her bedroom where they talked about books and music. They did not touch, even as they sat down on the same bed.

Not for the first time, there was tension between the two girls. They each held their own and refrained from mentioning it. Dorcas was not as good as shying away from it as Marlene was. Marlene began talking about James.

Two more hours passed. Marlene’s parents came home at a certain point, but Dorcas was from a good family, and they did not mind her presence. The door to the bedroom was closed. The conversation continued. The girls still did not touch, even when they briefly talked about hair products.

When it was getting truly late, and Dorcas glanced at the clock nervously and said that she had to go home, Marlene hugged her goodbye. Dorcas hugged her back. They broke away and stared at each other for a moment.

At first, all Marlene could think about is that Dorcas smelled wonderful. And then, all she could think about was her lips.

And then they were kissing. Sparks were flying and everything was too hot and she wanted Dorcas closer, closer, as close as possible.

But when it ended, and the air was suddenly cold, she turned away. She didn’t see the hurt in Dorcas’ eyes. She didn’t need to see it to know that it was there. When she looked back, Dorcas was already gone, and Marlene couldn’t help thinking it might have been for the best.

 

Remus

Remus went along with the rest of the Marauders to James’ house. On the doorstep, they found a letter addressed to Sirius Black.

For the first time, Remus saw Sirius Black cry.

The contents of the letter, as it turns out, were a will. Sirius Black had been left a house and a small fortune by his uncle Alphard, who died, rather unexpectedly, the night before. It occurred to Remus that Sirius might have been feeling incredibly alone in the world.

They ate a lot of cake that night. They drank. They cast silly spells and angry spells and slurred everything they tried to say from a certain point in the evening. Peter fell asleep on a couch, and in order to continue their debauchery they moved to one of the spare bedrooms. James started singing, and very suddenly, Sirius told him to shut up.

“Stop it,” he said.

“Why the fuck should I?” said James.

“Just – just stop it,” Sirius said.

They stared at each other and suddenly Remus knew exactly what was coming. They had been building up to this for months and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He would stay – not to watch, but to make sure. To make sure that his best friends wouldn’t do something they might regret in the morning.

“What is this about?” asked James. “Why are you always trying to get on my nerves?”

“Why are you always trying to get on mine?” asked Sirius.

And then they were punching each other, and yelling out stupid things like, “You and Lily cannot happen!” or “Why are you messing with her feelings like that?”. Remus roared at them to stop, and for some reason, the two of them stopped and stared again.

“Me and Lily?” Sirius said, looking shocked.

“Messing with her – I’m not messing with anyone!” cried James at the same time.

Then Sirius started laughing. “All this time – “ he snickered. “You thought that I was trying to get with your bird? Prongs, have you gone completely mad?”

“ _My_ bird – listen, I don’t know where you’ve been living for the past few months, but me and Lily are done. We never _were_ in the first place. Merlin’s beard, I’ve been with _Marlene_.”

“No you haven’t.”

“Yes, I have,” said James. “I’ve barely talked to Evans since the – since the beginning of the winter. You’re the one who’s spent all this time with her, been – I don’t know, hugging her, snuggling with her in the common room! Merlin knows how many times I’ve been asked if the two of you are dating! And this argument between the two of you sure looks like a sort of lover’s spat!”

“Listen, Prongs, you nitwit,” said Sirius. “Lily and I are just friends. The two of us have never thought of each other as anything other than friends. You and Lily, however, have _never_ thought of each other as just friends. And you’re hurting Marlene in the process. You’re being mean, and cruel. You’re _playing_ with her, and it isn’t fair to her.”

“Shut up,” said James. His voice was quiet, but thundering. “Shut up and get out.”

“James!” cried Remus.

“No, Remus,” said James. “He has his own place now. If he doesn’t like what I do, maybe he should just leave.”

 

(Part 3: The Little Friendship That Could)

The thing about Sirius Black that no one seemed to get is that nobody had ever hit him. Except for the night he finally left, his parents never laid a hand on him, never pushed him or punched him or burned him or hurt him, physically, in any way, shape, or form. They – that is, anybody who knows – all assume that he was beaten, and fairly regularly. And every time he is forced to explain, once again, that he has never been hit, not once, not ever, and that it doesn’t matter one bit.

There are two kinds of reactions to this explanation. The more common one is disbelief, followed by dismissiveness. “You must have been reading the situation wrong”, or, “you’re in denial”, or, “well, then why did you leave in the first place?” Sometimes someone truly stupid will spit out all three, and Sirius would know that this person will never know anything about him.

The other reaction, however, was worse. Understanding, pity – he couldn’t stand it. It was a constant reminder that he had a terrible home life, that he was abused, that his parents hated him and didn’t want him – not the him that he was, at least. But most of all, he couldn’t stand this reaction because it felt like they were oversimplifying it. Like there had never been good days. Like he couldn’t remember loving his brother, or father, or even his mother. Like he couldn’t imagine it being different.

He had never encountered someone who really understood. No one had – except for James. Because James and Sirius understood each other in perfect clarity. It had never been anything different. He had never had to explain it to him at all. This is why they could make each other so happy so easily. This is why they could hurt each other so thoroughly well.

The odd thing was, lately he realized that Lily understood, as well.

Lily and him weren’t anything like James and him. They understood each other not because they were made from the same stuff, but because they were molded by the same experiences. Because they laughed from the same jokes. And Lily understood Sirius’ pain not because she understood him at the deepest level possible, but because she had endured the same exact pain.

So after he had packed, taken his letter and his shoes and stole a bottle of Firewhiskey, he found himself Apparating not to his new residence, but to a place a block away from the Evans household.

It was late. He was drunk, even if he was sobering up from the cold night air as he walked. But he wouldn’t have had it any other way. When she ran out and hugged him and dragged him inside, without even asking for an explanation until the following morning, he wouldn’t have had it any other way. When she gave him water, and her bed, and told her parents that a friend of hers would be staying the night, when she defended him from her sister and he heard both of them clear as a bell through the door, he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

There was no other place in the world he wanted to be right now than in the residence of the only other person he knew who had broken James Potter’s heart.

 

(Part 4: Every Moment Counts)

It wasn’t very long after Sirius disappeared that Remus took Peter home. This wasn’t a night to stay at the Potter household.

About an hour later there was a knock on the door, and on the other side of that door was Marlene. She didn’t have to explain. It wasn’t stormy, or raining, nor was she crying or aching for him. It wasn’t a reunion you would watch in the movies or hear stories about.

But, standing at the door, shaking from the cold, suddenly all James wanted to do was to kiss her.

And so they kissed, and they kissed for a long time, and Marlene was all over him, and they were in the bedroom, and maybe it was best that Sirius wasn’t there after all.

 

People fight. Things fall apart. And even though things can come together all too easily, they can come apart just as quickly.

Sometimes, when life give you lemons you decide to throw them back at life and watch as the juice stings life’s eyes and makes them cry. This doesn’t make you a bad person. This just means you’re sick of life’s shit.

And after all of this hate and anger, maybe you can choose to pick up the lemon peels and make a pie.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I published all of the existing chapters two days ago, I had no idea I would be publishing another chapter two days later. I must, once again, remind you guys that my updates are erratic and uncertain, and that even though I love working on this story, I actually go to school. Usually.  
> Happy Jewish New Year, guys. Shana Tova.


	24. Of True Friendships and Lemon Pie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: After the protest against werewolf registration law, James and Sirius had a fight and Sirius, despite owning a new home now, crashed at Lily’s place, as it is the Easter holidays. Marlene showed up at James’ house in the middle of the night after kissing Dorcas. James doesn’t know that last part.

Chapter 23

_Or_

Of True Friendships and Lemon Pie

 

Sirius knew where he was the moment he woke up. He didn’t _get_ disoriented.

“Oh, God.”

The sun was too bright. His head hurt. His _everything_ hurt. He was pretty sure his hair was a mess.

“Oh, _God_.”

He needed a shower.

He needed a drink.

He needed breakfast.

Choosing the latter, Sirius climbed out of Lily’s bed and made his way, stumbling, avoiding direct sunlight, to what he hopes was the direction of the kitchen. Instead, he found himself in a very suburban sitting room, complete with a grandfather clock showing the time to be after one o’clock.

“Merlin’s fucking beard.”

“Hey, sleepyhead. How’d your nap go?” said Lily, appearing from behind him. She had a banana in her hand, already pealed. She offered it to him wordlessly, and he took it.

“Thanks,” he said. “You know. For everything.”

“It was nothing,” she said. He knew she was lying, though. She was still wearing her pajamas – which obviously meant she didn’t change just for the sake of not waking him up. And he had heard the fight she had with her sister. None of this was nothing.

“It’s something,” he said, a bit awkwardly. He scratched the back of his neck, and Lily turned around and led him to the kitchen.

“C’mon, I’ll make you some toast.”

He ate the banana, and she made some toast. The Muggle machine was fantastic.

“So you just put the bread in and it pops out, toasted?” he asked, wide-eyed.

She laughed. “Yeah, Sirius. That’s how it works.”

He shook his head. “Muggles. Amazing.”

She lit up suddenly. “Speaking of which, you should wash up. I have something to show you.”

Half an hour later, they were walking down the street. Lily had finally changed into something decent, a pair of jeans and a plain, wine-red sweater, and Sirius - who had packed rather quickly – was wearing the same pair of pants as yesterday, but had changed everything else, and was wearing a tight-fitting white t-shirt with no jacket. Lily thought he was insane. “Aren’t you cold?” she’d asked, at least half a dozen times.

“Nah,” he answered.

It was weird to know that Snivellus was a couple blocks away.

“We’re here,” Lily said quietly.

The “here” in question was a house identical to all other houses on this street. Smaller than Lily’s. The path leading to the front door was rather clean, as if it had just been swept, and the front door had a cat-door installed. Lily walked up the steps and knocked on the door. “Don’t say anything overtly Wizard,” she warned, just before the door opened –

Only to reveal a very nice looking old lady.

“Oh, Lily!” she gushed. “I didn’t know you were home from school. How is everyone? That wonderful girl you brought around last summer, Marlene? Oh, come in, come in! Who’s your friend? Is he your boyfriend? Oh, he is just so cute!”

Sirius looked to Lily for cues on how to act, but she looked unfazed. The two walked in and sat in the cramped living room, while the old lady organized a tray of tea and biscuits. The biscuits were delicious. Sirius didn’t even touch the tea.

“Sirius,” Lily said, “this is the charming Mrs. Peterson. Mrs. Peterson, this is my _friend_ from school,” she emphasized the word friend, “Sirius.”

“Oh, please, call me Helen,” said Mrs. Peterson.

“Sirius is staying with me a couple of days,” Lily explained.

“Oh! Are you?” Mrs. Peterson said, eyebrows raised. She sipped her tea. “Why?”

Lily ignored her, and started bombarding Mrs. Peterson with small-talk questions. After around forty five minutes of asking how the grandkids are doing, what church is like now that the pastor has changed, and discussing floral arrangements – all the while, Sirius quietly wondering what the hell he’s doing here and what Lily wanted to show him – was it the old lady herself? – Mrs. Peterson put down her mug next to the now-empty tray of biscuits and said, “Not to sound rude, because I do love your company, but – is there a purpose to your visit?”

Practical, this woman was.

Lily smiled, looking rather self-assured. “Yes, well,” she began. “I was wondering if you still had that thing your nephew brought you last spring.”

Mrs. Peterson. “That old thing?” she asked. “What would you need it for? I don’t really think it’s appropriate for a proper young lady such as yourself – “

“It’s not for me,” hurried Lily to clarify. “It’s for Sirius.”

They stepped outside, this time heading to the garage. There was a small and pink Muggle car there, and it took up most of the limited space. It was covered in mud. Sirius didn’t ask, and Mrs. Peterson didn’t volunteer any information.

“Well,” said Mrs. Peterson, “there it is.”

It was beautiful.

It was a big, black motorcycle, exactly like the type in magazines he had used a Permanent-Sticking charm on in his old room. It was obviously a little worn, second-hand at the very least, but it was beautiful. Sirius was in love.

“Can I touch it?” he asked, hesitant that if he was anything but polite, it might disappear forever.

“You can do whatever you want with it, Clarence doesn’t need it anymore now he’s got a proper car.”

Lily watched him interact with it. He could feel her eyes burning a hole through his head.

“I think he likes it,” she stage-whispered to Mrs. Peterson, who boomed in return, “Well, he can have it.”

Sirius’ head snapped back. “Really?” he said, sounding like a little boy who was just promised ice cream.

“I said it, didn’t I? I’ll be glad to have it off my hands. All it does here is collect dust. Here – “ she said, pointing to an object nearby. “It comes with a sidecar.”

Sirius felt like it was Christmas morning.

“Now, before you go,” said Mrs. Peterson, “I made far too much lemon meringue pie yesterday, and I want you, Lily, to take some back to your mother, and make sure to eat some of it. I swear, you are just so scrawny…”

 

“Good morning.”

Marlene smiled up at James. “Good morning.” She groaned and stretched. “What time is it?”

“About three o’clock in the afternoon.”

Marlene looked at him. “You’re joking.”

“Me?” said James, sounding outraged. “I never joke.” Marlene shot him a look that said, _cut the crap_ , and James raised his arms in surrender. “Okay, okay! But the time really is three o’clock. We – we did stay up rather late…”

Was James Potter _blushing_? Marlene giggled and kissed him, hard, on the mouth, before attempting to disentangle herself from the blankets around her.

“What are you doing?” asked James.

“Getting dressed and _going home_ ,” answered Marlene. This prompted James to grab her from behind and pepper kisses all across her bare back.

“No, you aren’t,” James said, and his grin could be heard in his voice as clear as day. He pulled her gently so she would face him. She sighed and did so, kissing him gently before lying back down.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked, staring at the top of the four-poster bed.

“How beautiful you are right now,” James answered immediately.

“Pshhh,” Marlene said. “You’re only saying that because I shagged you. My hair is probably a mess right now.” She groaned.

“Hey,” James said. “Look at me.”

She did.

“You’re beautiful right now,” he said, slowly, and for a moment, Marlene believed him. For that, she kissed him again.

“Thanks,” she whispered.

“You’re very welcome.”

 

Sirius was like a little kid with a new toy. He was _ecstatic_. Lily had never seen him this happy before.

It made her happy, too.

Sirius was so magnetic. His moods affected other people’s moods all too easily. Lily was not exempt from this. She felt the pull, and she fell right in.

“It’s beautiful,” he kept mumbling.

He hugged her at least half a dozen times.

And when they got back to the house, having dragged it all the way there, they made the final push of dragging it behind the house and Sirius went to work.

He knew a lot about motorbikes. Apparently, when Sirius was obsessed with something, he didn’t half-ass his knowledge. He really knew his stuff. He kept trying to explain what he was doing, but Lily didn’t really know anything about motorbikes and everything he threw at her just went in one side and out the other. She was content to watch him, anyway. They talked a bit. She produced a book from seemingly nowhere at a certain point. When her mother came home, she made them sandwiches and was not surprised over the sudden appearance of the motorbike _or_ of the pie. A stain appeared on Lily’s shirt from seemingly nowhere.

Sirius was invited to stay another night. He agreed, and Petunia huffed.

Over dinner, Lily’s father asked Sirius about school. Her mother asked about Quidditch. Petunia ate in silence, and only spoke to remind them that Vernon was visiting the next day. Sirius caught Lily’s eye for a moment before looking away; the two had to physically stop themselves from laughing.

When dinner was done, and Lily’s father was doing the dishes, there was a knock on the door.

“I’LL GET IT,” yelled Lily, as she was closest to the front door. She rushed to the front door, opening it without bothering to look through the peephole to check who was on the other side. The door _whooshed_ open, and about mid- _whoosh_ , Lily regretted opening the door at all.

It was James Potter, and for some ridiculous reason, the first thing that popped into her head was that he looked _good_. His cheeks were flushed from the cold night’s air, and his hair was slightly messier than usual, as if he Apparated here straight from his bed. He was examining the doorframe, her home, her, and suddenly she felt strangely exposed, naked, like if she’d known James was coming, she’d have done something different – painted her house a completely different color, worn a different outfit, done everything different.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she said.

They looked at each other for a moment, and then they looked away. Lily thought she saw him blush. Lily knew for a fact that her entire neck was red. She wondered if he could see the stain on her shirt.

“So – “ he said, clearly nervous over something. “Is Sirius here?”

Lily exhaled very suddenly. _Of course_ he wasn’t here for her. She should have known. James Potter didn’t pop by for a chat, not with her, at least.

Suddenly, she felt very angry. She leaned against the doorframe, folding her arms. “What if he is? Are you going to kick him out of _my_ house, as well?”

“Evans,” James said in a voice she couldn’t decipher. Then he sighed, and when he spoke again, he just sounded frustrated. “I just want to talk to him.”

Lily looked at him for a moment longer, examining his posture, his hands, his everything. He was not threatening. He was not angry. Instead, he was a ball of energy, and he was going to explode. He was fidgeting. He was nervous.

She didn’t know what to make of it, so she turned her head in the direction of the back door and yelled Sirius’ name.

“What?” came the call.

“Come to the front door!”

“Why?”

“Just do it, ya nitwit!”

Less than a minute later, he appeared, grease on his forehead, wearing an easy grin. “What is it, Evans?”

She pointed at James, and immediately the grin and easy posture disappeared.

“Maybe the two of you should go sit in my room?” she suggested.

Sirius nodded, and James stepped in and followed Lily’s lead. When they reached her room, she opened the door but didn’t follow them inside. “I’ll give you some privacy,” she said, and then she closed the door, and walked away.

She had to remind herself that James was none of her business at least five times. They weren’t friends. Not only were they not friends, but it was one-hundred percent her fault.

She walked away.

 

So this was Lily Evans’ room.

It was much yellow-er than James expected. In his mind, everything about Evans was red. But her room was sunny, alive. The walls, her sheets, even her dresser, all yellow. It made sense – he really should have known – but in his mind, Lily Evans would always be red.

Sirius looked way too comfortable among all this pastel.

The both of them waited for Lily’s steps to fade away. Sirius watched the door, James examined the room. Sirius looked at the ceiling, James looked at the floor. Sirius opened his mouth, James didn’t say a word.

“What are you doing here?”

James looked at the stuffed animals, then looked away.

“I thought you would go to your new house, but just as I was about to Apparate I realized that – that you might come here. I wasn’t sure exactly where I was going,” he admitted. “But I figured it out. Obviously.”

“No, I mean, what are you _doing_ here?” said Sirius, impatiently.

“I, uh,” began James, struggling to find words for the second time in less than fifteen minutes. “I guess – I guess I came to apologize. I mean, I was total arse last night. I feel like shit about it.” There was a pause, and just as Sirius seemed to want to reply, James added, “But really, the reason I’m here – it’s – the reason is that Marlene and I are back together. And the thing is – the thing is, I realized the only person I wanted to tell… was you.”

“Prongs, mate – “

“No, listen for a sec, ‘cause I don’t think I’ll say this otherwise,” James continued, taking a deep breath. “You were right. I _was_ trying to keep Evans in my back pocket. Which was a shit thing to do. Because even if the two of you _were_ dating – and before you say anything, it’s fine, I get that you’re not – even if you _were_ , I never even dated her, she never seemed to like me or anything, and besides, it’s not like she – or anybody else – _belongs_ to me, so I would have had no right to be angry. And like I said, I just got back with Marlene. And uh – “ he grinned. “It’s pretty great.”

“James!” said Sirius. “Shut. Up.”

James did.

“I do not give a single fuck about this. I mean, sure, I was upset yesterday – but like, I’m over it right now. Besides, I have had the best fucking day. You would not believe what happened. I got a _motorbike_ , James. An actual, real, _Muggle_ motorbike, and it’s fucking amazing, mate. C’mon, I’ll show it to you.”

It _was_ amazing. Sirius walked James through everything he’d done that afternoon, not skipping how he got the bike in the first place, and explained everything he still planned to do with it. And then he showed James how it worked, and then Lily showed up to tell Sirius, without even looking at James which he tried very hard not to notice, that Petunia was trying to sleep so they should keep it down. And then, finally, the last thing Sirius did before showing James the door was turn to him, his expression shocked, and say –

“Wait, did you and Marlene _shag_?”

And that was when James knew that they were definitely still fine.

 

“So how did it go?” asked Lily later that night, head in Sirius’ lap. They were both in her room, lying on her bed, Lily rereading _Pride and Prejudice_ for maybe the thousandth time, Sirius perusing through today’s edition of _The Prophet_ (“ _The ‘New Trace’ Law Doesn’t Pass”_ ). Sirius knew this question was coming, and he had braced himself, not knowing what he would answer until the moment he did.

“I think that I’m still angry,” he said, surprised to find that it was true. “But I also think that I’ll get over it. He’s my best mate, you know? He gets me better than anyone. He’s my brother.”

“Yeah,” said Lily, and at that moment she was unknowable. What was going on in that redhead’s head? “Yeah,” she repeated.

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to upload this chapter when I updated ff.net! Well, I guess you get two chapters in one...


	25. Of the Difference a Year Makes, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: One year ago, a pink teddy bear named Melody was stolen from Lily Evans by Severus Snape. Somehow, this (combined with several other odd occurrences during the year) triggered a chain reaction which a. caused Lily and Sirius Black to become best friends, b. Marlene and James to start dating, c. Benjy Fenwick and Mary McDonald to be Lily’s second-closest friends, and d. Dorcas to start dating Cameron despite having no feelings for him whatsoever. Instead, as a matter of fact, Dorcas has feelings for Marlene. The two have kissed, but Marlene and James still got back together after their short-term break (up). James and Lily are super weird around each other right now.  
> Also, in case you somehow missed it, there’s a war going on against this crazy racist loon who calls himself Lord Voldemort.

Chapter 24

_Or_

Of the Difference a Year Makes, Part 1

_Or_

Of Sacrifice

 

It had all happened so fast. One moment, it was Easter, next moment, they were having their end of year exams, and then the trees were all green and bearing fruit, and the sun was shining from between the typical clouds, and then it was the last day of school, and they were packing again.

Lily couldn’t help but think of how different her life was just one year ago.

No Sirius, for one. Sirius didn’t start until the summer. Arguably, until the train.

No Mary or Benjy, either.

And she was still so angry at Severus. It consumed her. It was always at the back of her mind, no matter what was going on. She barely thought of him anymore.

No doubt, life was much better now. The different a year makes.

Besides, packing didn’t seem as horrible when she had Melody to keep her company.

 

“Done packing?” Lily asked as she sat down in her favorite chair by the fireplace.

“Couldn’t do it fast enough,” said Sirius. He was looking at the fire, not at her, as if consumed by it, as if trying to blind himself. “It’s an odd feeling.”

“Are you still planning to stay in your own apartment?”

He shrugged. “No real reason why not. I’m seventeen, y’know. Perfectly legal. And James can come visit me anytime.”

“But won’t you miss… the rest of it?” asked Lily. She didn’t have to explain what she meant.

He shrugged again, and Lily thought she knew what he meant. _Yes, but._ _Yes, but maybe I don’t deserve it. Yes, but maybe it’s time I find my own path. Yes, yes, yes, but._ She knew nothing she could say would change his mind, so instead she said, “Where’s everybody? The common room is practically empty.”

“I think that James and Marlene are canoodling somewhere,” Remus replied, flippantly, appearing suddenly and sitting down beside them. “Peter’s still packing.”

“That doesn’t explain the rest of the student body.”

“Sure it does,” said Remus. “The entire student body is either packing or canoodling.”

“Please, Remus, I beg of you,” said Sirius, “stop using that word.”

“Which one? Student? I know you’re allergic to studying, but surely not to the concept. Though maybe you’re just jealous you have no one to canoodle – “ Remus was cut short by Sirius jumping him. Forced to defend himself from Sirius’ relentless attack, he grabbed a pillow and began hitting right back. Lily rolled her eyes, but didn’t stop the fight. “Oh!” Remus yelled, smiling widely, avoiding getting hit as best is he could. “Did you mean you wanted me to stop saying _canoodling_?”

“I can’t believe I used to think you were the mature one,” said Lily. From the corner of her eye, she saw Dorcas leave the dorms; right behind her was Mary, who headed in her direction.

“He _is_ the mature one,” said Sirius.

“If that’s true,” said Mary, “then all hope is lost. Finished packing?”

“Yeah,” said Remus and Lily.

“I even don’t have to look for Melody and shout at Sev- Snape,” said Lily.

Sirius nodded. “Progress.” This pause cost him, however, as he was tackled from behind by Remus.

Lily shook her head, and Mary sighed. “Boys,” they said together, sharing an exasperated look.

The conversation continued. They were joined, later, by Peter, Alice and Frank, and Sirius suggested – for old times’ sake – that they have a party.

“A party,” repeated Frank, looking doubtful.

“A party!” said Peter enthusiastically.

“Oh c’mon, Head Boy,” said Sirius. “It’ll be fun. It’s the _last day_ you’ll ever be at Hogwarts. You don’t have any tests tomorrow, you know. It’ll just be us, a bottle of Firewhiskey – “

“We’re not supposed to have alcohol at school,” said Frank.

“Well, teenagers aren’t supposed to be this stuck up, but you know – “ he saw the look Lily shot at him and quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean it. I’m just – this is the last day. Next year is our last year. Last year around this time I was hunting for a teddy bear. Look at the difference a year makes! We should celebrate!”

“I cannot believe I’m saying this,” said Lily, “but I think that a bit of drinking will do us good.”

“I don’t know,” said Alice hesitantly. At this point, it was obvious that only Frank and Alice were on the fence, and even they were leaning towards yes; it didn’t take much more convincing for the couple to give in, and Sirius leapt up the steps to the boys’ dorms, two a time.

 

The party was held, obviously, at the top of the astronomy tower. Somewhere along the ordeal, it had become a whole _thing_ , and was not limited just to the seven-member group that had come up with it. The supply of booze, enchanted to be unending, was being used by at least fifty people, most of them upperclassmen, most of them Gryffindor, but not all. Someone had managed to magick some music, most of it unfamiliar to Lily, and the dancing – though awkward and sweaty – was lively. She was sitting near Frank, Alice and Benjy – who had joined them almost immediately – but, as she was not listening to their conversation, was keeping a bit of a distance. Instead, she was watching from behind a table next to the railing, focusing on Sirius talking to several girls and boys, not staying in one part of the roof for more than a couple of minutes, looking energized like she hasn’t seen him in a long time.

“He looks happy, doesn’t he?”

It was James. She should have known he’d appear sometime. Leaning against the railing with her, he was holding a cup of something that was probably a lot stronger than the pumpkin juice she had in hers. He was so nonchalantly beautiful, so casually handsome. She felt guilty the moment she thought it. There weren’t many things that were off limits to Lily Evans, but James Potter was definitely one of them. She wished she had been worthy of his friendship earlier in the year; she wished she hadn’t been as shitty a person to him as she had been over the past six years. But she also knew there was nothing to be done about it; the past was in the past.

She startled from her thoughts, realizing that James was still expecting an answer. She turned to look away from him and said, “Yeah, he does. He’s good with people, when he wants to be.”

“He is.”

“Where’s Marlene?” Lily asked, casually, as if it didn’t matter. As if she was just asking for the whereabouts of her old friend.

He shrugged. “Didn’t feel like partying. I think she went to sleep early.”

“Huh,” Lily said, because there wasn’t much else to say. It seemed like everybody else was here. Even Tally was sitting with her group of oddballs, looking drained and tired, all drinking wildly.

After a bit of time had passed, Lily gathered the courage to ask: “So – you and Marlene – you’re good now, right? Like, better?”

He shrugged again, and took a sip from his cup. “I guess. I mean – it’s good. I like it. It’s great.” He drank again. “I guess it’s just the end of the year, and I don’t know how well we’ll function during the summer. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“You look very happy together,” Lily said honestly.

“We are. The future’s just sort of vague right now.”

“You – you heard about the – right?”

Lily winced as she said the words. James dropped his voice and said, “Yeah,” his tone something she’d never heard from him before. “It was awful. My mother told me – told me all about it. She has connections in the Ministry.”

A number of Ministry officials had been found dead in their homes last week. They were all vocally against the ‘new trace’ laws and pro-Muggleborn rights. It had been covered pretty extensively and not even just in The Prophet; it was in gossip columns and on the radio, and it was spoken about in hushed whispers in the halls and in loud discussions in the common rooms. It was inescapable. It was the horror of the war.

“The future looks pretty clear to me,” Lily said. “And most of what I see is black with war.”

“The war’s been going on for years now,” James said.

Lily nodded. James sat down, and she leaned her head against his shoulder. He didn’t push her away. “But I don’t see the end of it coming any time soon.”

 

“Dorcas!” said Cameron, delighted. He was dressed entirely in red and gold, and seemed to glow. “You came!”

“I said I’d come, didn’t I? Do you think I’m a liar?” she replied with a frown. She was still wearing her school robes.

“No,” said Cam quickly. “C’mon, have a drink.”

“I’ll get it myself, thanks.” And she went looking for a drink.

Instead, she found Lily and James.

They were partially hidden, and the area was not crowded, but Dorcas could see everything clearly enough. Lily seemed to be asleep, resting peacefully on James’ shoulder despite the loud music. Her features were calm and beautiful, and it seemed that Dorcas wasn’t the only one who thought so. James was watching the red head on his shoulder intently, as if he was in awe. As if he was afraid of the moment it would leave. He looked altogether too comfortable with having Lily on his arm. He looked happy. He looked – he looked in love.

Dorcas turned around and ran away.

 

“I don’t believe you,” said Marlene.

Dorcas folded her arms. “Why the hell not?” Her eyes blazed dangerously.

“Because,” Marlene said. “He’s my boyfriend. And he’s just – not the type to do something like that. He wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t want to be with me.”

“I saw his _face_ , Mar,” Dorcas said. “I _saw_ it. It’s not nothing. It’s – it was the face of someone in love. It was like – “ She stopped abruptly.

“Like what, Dorcas?” asked Marlene, venomously.

After a moment’s hesitation, Dorcas confessed to the truth: “He looked the way you did the night you kissed me.”

And now it was out there. They had managed to go months without mentioning it, skirting around it carefully every moment of their lives, and it was all ruined. Dorcas regretted mentioning it immediately.

“So _that’s_ what this is about?” asked Marlene, the venom only stronger now. Dorcas flinched. “The fact that you kissed me _months ago_? The fact that you’re _jealous_?”

“I’m not jealous!” Dorcas cried, but it was a lie. It stung that the first thing that Marlene did after kissing Dorcas was get back together with James. It hurt that they’d pretended as if nothing had happened. It hurt that she had to pretend to love Cameron.

Every moment she wasn’t kissing Marlene was like physical pain. She looked away from Marlene, unable to face it.

But what she saw was also true. James Potter was in love with Lily Evans, because _of course_ he was in love with Lily Evans. He’d probably been predestined to fall in love with her. It was written in the sky. The stars spoke of it to the centaurs. It was the most permanent kind love she’d ever seen. And Dorcas didn’t want Marlene to get hurt because of it.

“And even if I was,” she said, suddenly quiet. “ _Even if I was_ , I would not lie to you. James Potter may not even know it himself, but he’s never going to love anyone but Lily Evans. And this is only going to hurt you in the long run. It’s only going to hurt you _now_.”

She looked back at Marlene and saw in how much pain she was. “I believe you,” said Marlene. And, as if she just had a revelation, she added, “I think I’ve known it all all along.”

When Marlene started crying, Dorcas held her. Because she always would.

 

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

She fought against the voice. She was comfortable where she was, on this shoulder. But the shoulder was gone, and instead, hands wrapped around her, picking her up. Squinting, she glared at James, before deciding that arguing was too tiring and leaning against his chest. He was so thin and yet incredibly muscular.

She was thinking taboo thoughts, things that should have never crossed her mind, but she couldn’t help it. And she was so tired.

Somehow, suddenly, they were in the common room. It was mostly empty – most students were either asleep or at the party which hadn’t died down by the time they left. She opened her eyes when he put her down on the couch.

“I can’t bring you up to your room,” he whispered, leaning close so only she could hear him. His breath tickled her face and she was glad it was dark enough he couldn’t see her blush. “Good night.”

“No,” she said. It was stupid. She should _not_ have said it. “Stay. Please. Will you stay?” She could feel her heartbeat all over – in her chest, in her arms, in between her ears. She didn’t know her heart was this big. She held her breath.

To her relief, he stayed. She made room for him, then leaned on him again. She started to drift back to sleep, but just as she was falling under, she heard James whisper:

“Always.”

She said nothing, and eventually fell asleep.

 

_Lily Evans was so beautiful it hurt._

This was not a revelation. This was not news to him. This was simply a fact of life. Lily Evans shined bright, and for a long time he couldn’t help but stare, like staring at the sun despite knowing it would hurt your eyes, that it might blind you. He’d thought he loved her. He’d thought that he was enough. Now that he knew what loving her really felt like, he knew the truth.

He would never be enough.

This was the thought that kept him up at night. This was why he had resolved himself to love Marlene. This was why he’d been so –

James Potter loved Lily Evans, and she would never love him back, and this was why he was everything he was.

And now she was on his lap, _sleeping_. He felt warm all over, as if her mere touch burned him alive. He didn’t dare to move. He barely dared to breathe. When he was sure she was asleep, he thought of her question – _Will you stay?_ – and told her the truth: “Always.” He would always love her, and he would stay if she asked and leave if she didn’t, because he was still breathing, because _she_ was still breathing.

He’d said it because it had to be said, even if he would never say it again. He’d said it because this would be the last time. He’d said it because he loved her but she didn’t love him, and after tonight, he would devote himself to Marlene, body and soul. The difference this year made was not nothing. It was time to move on. It was time to leave his heart behind.

 

It was probably three in the morning when she stirred, woken up by drunken seventh-years stumbling through the common room. Blinking, she asked James how long she’d been asleep.

“I don’t know,” he said truthfully. He’d been hoping she’d stay like that forever.

“Well, I think I’m going to bed,” she informed him, yawning. “Goodnight, James.”

He noticed that she called him by his first name – of course he did – but his response remained, “’Night, Evans.”

She had climbed up the stairs, but came running down before he had the chance to gather his wits. “Potter?”

“What is it?” he said immediately, snapping to attention. Was she alright?

“You know that Sirius is still angry with you, right?”

 

It was a sunny morning, the day bright and new. Rumors passed through the crowds like wildfire, all telling a tale of Lily Evans and James Potter. But by the time the Hogwarts Express had pulled into the station, there was an even juicier rumor running around: that morning, by the lake, the infamous on-again off-again relationship between James Potter and Marlene McKinnon had been terminated, and this time, it was permanent.

Some said that McKinnon did it because Potter had been cheating on her with Evans. Others believed that they were tired of each other. A small voice suggested that McKinnon was perhaps not into guys at all, but that was dismissed out of hand – everyone had seen McKinnon with Potter, and they had a rather _hands-on_ type of relationship.

The one thing everybody agreed on, the part of the buzz that didn’t die down or get twisted even as it spread through the train’s multiple cars, was that Marlene McKinnon – the quiet, the polite, the easygoing – was the one to end it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this two-parter is meant to both move the plot forward and reflect on the past year (in story) / year and a half (in the real world). The next chapter will have a lot of train drama. I hope you like it.


	26. Of the Difference a Year Makes, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to update for a while because of school reasons - don't expect an update before December, but honestly, I'm not sure about December either.  
> There's a surprise at the end.

Chapter 25

_Or_

Of the Difference a Year Makes, Part 2

_Or_

Of Falling into Place

 

(Snape)

It is probably long past time to address the elephant in the room: Severus Snape.

Over the past year, he’s tried to contact Lily Evans several times. Not all of them have been dramatic enough to chronicle, and most of them have been unsuccessful in getting any sort of response out of said redhead. This is because Lily Evans has been rather busy, not only with a heavy workload, but also with rather a lot of personal drama. Between the Gryffindor shenanigans and schoolwork, she hadn’t really had the energy to deal with anything relating to Severus Snape.

Which was all fine, considering the shenanigans _he’s_ been up to.

Long time readers and new-comers alike should remember that on the train towards Hogwarts on September first a particularly awful Slytherin named Mulciber received a letter which he was quick to show Snape. The contents of this letter had very little to do with schoolwork or in-house drama. The contents of this letter had everything to do with the war currently raging in the British Wizarding world. Once the contents of the letter had been put into action, Snape hadn’t felt a single bit of regret or discontentment or questioning. He was doing what was right by the Wizarding world. He knew it. He was focused on that and that alone, now.

And yet, the moment he heard that rumor about Lily and James Potter this morning, he could not think of anything else.

How _could_ she? After all the years they’d spent hating him, after all the years she’d seen the way Potter _treated_ him, after all the name calling and the way she used to say _Severus_ –

The one time she’d called him _Snivellus_ crosses his mind –

She used to despise Potter as much as he does. How could she be _seen_ with him, as if that Black boy wasn’t bad enough, as if her sudden love for the tricks she used to think were childish weren’t horrifying enough. What had she been thinking?

Could she have been forced into it, into any of it? Had he not been keeping a close enough watch over her? He’d thought that devoting one eye would have been enough –

He’d been wrong, obviously.

Oh, Merlin, he hated this. He hated _not knowing_. He hated not knowing everything that went on in her brain, he hated the fact that she didn’t share anything with him anymore. He hated that she didn’t become withdrawn when he stopped being her friend, he hated everything about her but her.

“Snape, are you fucking listening? We need to get our summer plans straight if we’re going to be let in next year!”

“Shut up,” said Snape, because that was what was expected from him. “I’m going to find the Trolley.”

The conversation hadn’t been particularly interesting, simply rehashing the plan, revisiting the facts. He knew that it was important, to go over the details and make sure that everyone knew their parts, that it would fall apart if everything wasn’t ready in time, but –

Lily could not be dating Potter. There was no way. Even if he _had_ just been broken up with.

 _What if he’s using her as a consolation for his grief_ , he thought. _What if he’s still trying to get back at me. It’s not like he never hexes me anymore. What if he’s still trying to get her just to get to me and he’s using his breakup as leverage. What if –_

Lily was standing right in front of him. _CRAP_.

She was holding a bar of chocolate, half eaten already. Her cheeks were flushed, but whether that was from the heat of the car or from excitement, he could not tell. She didn’t avoid his gaze completely, but she didn’t meet it either; it felt as if she was looking at someone she vaguely knew, but not well enough to greet. When he looked at her, she seemed – content. Happy. It seemed impossible that she could feel happiness without him, the same way it seemed impossible that she could have possibly entered a relationship with Potter. However – perhaps – if the first is true –

He wondered if he was allowed to ask.

He asked anyway.

“Is it true?”

She looked up at him. Her eyes were every bit as beautiful as they were when they were still friends. “Is what true?” Irritation was filtered into her voice. Was it because she knew what he was asking, or was it because she was speaking to him?

“You and Potter,” he asked, trying not to let the hurt he was feeling slip into his words.

Her eyes softened, and he was surprised, because he hadn’t noticed they were hard, beforehand. “Oh, Severus,” she said, and his heart broke. “That’s just a rumor,” she said, and his heart was whole again. “Not that you have the right to ask, anyway, Snape,” she added, and his surname sounded like a whole different word altogether, as if she was saying _venom_ or _warning_ and not just his name.

“Whatever,” he said. “I’m going to go find the Trolley.”

“Snape,” she said, and he stopped. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

 _Did she know?_ His heart beat fast and he could feel his blood pumping. _Did she know?_ “What are you talking about?”

Lily sighed and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, like she always did when she was nervous or unsure. “Do you think that I don’t notice you, still watching me? Do you think I find it – “ For a moment, she paused, at a loss for words. “Do you think I find it – endearing? Because I don’t. And – and I wish you would stop pretending we were still friends.”

He didn’t know what to say. He began speaking anyway. “Lily, I didn’t _mean_ it.” There was only one thing he could possibly be referring to.

“Yes you _did_ ,” she snapped. “You bloody well did. We’re not _friends_ anymore, Snape.” When she said his surname this time, it dripped with pure hatred. It sounded like _Snivellus_. “If we ever were. I’m trying to move on with my life. That afternoon – by the lake – it was bad enough, without you standing by all the time, _lurking_ , a _constant reminder_ – “

“Fuck that,” he said. “I wouldn’t be a constant reminder unless you made me one. Potter obviously isn’t one, and he was just as at fault as – “

“James Potter,” said Lily indignantly, “is not only none of your business, but also, a better friend and person than you ever were. And I cannot _believe_ it has taken me seven _years_ to realize this. Sev – Snape – “ and this time his name sounded like an apology – “I don’t regret our friendship. Not yet. Please don’t make me start.”

He didn’t say a thing, even as his mind was whirling.

“The Trolley is back there,” she said, pointing at the direction she came from. “I passed by it about half an hour ago. It’s heading in this direction.”

And then she was gone.

But she wasn’t. He could still smell her, and if he closed his eyes, he could still see her. She haunted him.

She would haunt him till the day he died.

 

(Marlene)

Marlene was fine, and this was the biggest surprise. She hadn’t gone through the five stages of grief, hadn’t felt bad or sad over the end of a relationship. The only thing she was really thinking about was Dorcas.

It had gone like this: Marlene pushed James aside that morning and told him they needed to talk. By the lake, in the quiet, she informed him that she heard about last night. When James began apologizing, she said she wasn’t angry, but that it was over between them.

Then, to her surprise, James started crying. And then, even more to her surprise, they were honest with each other.

Marlene told him about Dorcas. She explained everything she could explain, and tried to convey without words everything else. When she thought he understood, she asked him to tell her about Lily, and he did. He told her about the night in the astronomy tower and how good she is to Sirius and his jealousy and about last night’s resolution to let her go. She told him that she didn’t want him to make promises he couldn’t keep. He said that he never really did what he should have done, anyway. He told her about the dozens of times he almost ended it. She told him she didn’t regret a single moment. She wished him luck, and he did the same.

They kissed one last time, James still tearful and shaking, and then Marlene walked away.

Every step she took she felt lighter. Every touch of the sun on her skin made her feel safer. The world was a song and she was in awe of it.

On the train, she sat in the same compartment as Cameron and Dorcas and Dan, and they talked about everything from Quidditch to candy and never mentioned James. The view flew by and all she was thinking about, even while talking about the oddest flavors of Bertie Bott’s, was the taste of Dorcas’ lips the night they kissed, and how different it had tasted to kiss James.

The craziest thing – the oddest, most insane thing – was that she _had_ loved James. She’d wanted him, once, even that night, the way she wanted Dorcas now. She had no words for it. She didn’t want to give it any words beside the one that was absolutely right for it.

And so she smiled and talked to her friends, and if her glance landed on Dorcas a bit too often, well –

Even the damned and the doomed dream sometimes.

 

It was a lot later when the Trolley stopped by their compartment. Even though at that very moment not Marlene nor any other of the compartment’s occupants felt particularly peckish, her stomach began growling not five minutes later. Dorcas offered, in a rare bout of helpfulness, to go with her to find the Trolley Lady, and so the two made their way down the car until they found her.

It didn’t take Marlene long to realize Lily was there. She wasn’t buying anything – in fact, she already had a half-eaten bar of chocolate in her hand – but she didn’t seem to be in a hurry to get past the Lady.

And suddenly, Marlene realized she _missed_ Lily. For almost a year, they hadn’t talked, or written each other over the holidays, and frankly, it all seemed so _stupid_.

“Hi,” she said, smiling, and though at first visibly surprised, slowly, Lily smiled back.

And then they were hugging, and even Dorcas joined in, and nobody could really remember what they were arguing about in the first place. Marlene bought her candy, and Lily joined them in their compartment, and they talked for what felt like hours.

Everything was right again.

Even when Lily left – “I left poor Mary without her lunch” – she knew it had been alright. Even if they hadn’t exchanged days in which they were free this summer. Even if they hadn’t shared stories from the protest. Even if they hadn’t done anything but sit there, Marlene would have known that this is what it was supposed to feel like.

Everything was falling into place, and she, once again, found that James Potter had no room in it.

 

(James)

Oddly enough, it seemed that the person most heartbroken by Marlene and James’ breakup that morning was not James, and certainly not Marlene.

It was _Peter_.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said as he sobbed. “I know it’s stupid. But I _liked_ Marlene. I mean, you’ve had girlfriends before, but they – they – “

“They were awful, mate,” concurred Remus. “Horrible. Slutty, even.”

“I don’t believe in that word!” called Sirius, his only comment so far in this conversation.

James could not believe this situation. Was he going to comfort his best friend over his own breakup? Was this something that he would actually do?

“There, there,” he said tentatively, patting Wormtail’s back even as he shuddered along with his sobs. “It’s – it’s alright. Listen, me and her weren’t going to work out, anyway.”

“Is it because you still fancy Evans?” asked Sirius, sounding almost bored.

James shot him a look. “ _No_. It’s because – it’s because we weren’t right for each other, y’know? Oh, Wormtail…” He felt conflicted. “It’ll be okay.”

Peter shuddered one last time, then sat back up and wiped his tears. “Nah, I’m okay. Really. Really really. I mean – I don’t know why I was invested in your relationship.”

“Probably because it was the only one of his that lasted more than a month,” said Remus.

“Doesn’t everybody think you’re the mature one?” asked Peter.

Remus waved his hand dismissively.

“I’m leaving this compartment now,” announced James. “I do not have the energy to deal with all of your shite.”

“Ooh!” said Sirius excitedly. “Please return with food!”

 

It was fate, really, that the moment he left his compartment, Lily left hers – which was, apparently, right across from his.

They both shut their doors at the same time, turned at the same time, and said in small, surprised tones, “Hi!” at the same time.

“Well, um,” James said, running his hand through his hair nervously.

“I was – uh – I was about to find the food Trolley,” said Lily. “Come with?”

“Yeah,” he said, “sure.”

It was not an unpleasant silence that settled between them, but he felt that it _was_ a loaded one. They found the Trolley and each of them bought a sizable amount of food. And then, as if by an unspoken agreement, they found a nearby empty compartment and sat down.

“So,” Lily said.

“So,” James said.

Lily cast her eyes at her pile of junk, and offered him a chocolate. “You and Marlene are done with. How – how are you doing with that?”

He took the chocolate, and he ate the chocolate. Not all of it. About half. Almost all of it in one bite. He gave it back to her. “I’m – okay, I guess. Peter hasn’t been taking it very well.”

Lily grinned. “He hasn’t, has he?”

James grinned as well. “No, he hasn’t.” Then he started laughing, because it was funny, and then he started crying, because it wasn’t funny at all.

Lily’s eyes softened. “Oh, James,” she said, and moved over to sit next to him, hugging him tightly with her right arm. He leaned onto her – into her – and continued sobbing.

It _hurt_. It hurt so _much_. He hadn’t loved her, perhaps, not like he loved Lily, but he had tried to, and he had felt enough for it to hurt now. You don’t have a relationship with someone for nearly a year without it hurting even a little bit when it ends. Or at least, James didn’t.

It felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Shh,” Lily whispered. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay. It’s okay.”

Even knowing these words to be true, he continued sobbing. He cried and cried until the tears dried, and even then he cried some more. And then he held Lily until he felt as if he could face the world once again. He pulled away.

“Hey, hey,” Lily said quickly. “It’s okay. You don’t have to go if you don’t feel ready.”

“I feel ready,” he said. He _was_. He felt better now. He was still sad, but he knew, somewhere deep inside, that you couldn’t build a relationship on a lie as big as that. Especially if they were both just using the other to try and not love somebody else. “I’m okay.” Lily looked doubtful, and he corrected, “I’ll be okay. I’m not perfect now, either, but I can handle the world.”

“Okay,” Lily said. He couldn’t read her voice, he couldn’t decipher her expression. What did she mean?

He gathered his things and his candy and he hugged Lily one more time, murmuring _thanks_ in her ear.

“You’re a good friend,” he said, afraid that if he said it, it wouldn’t be true, knowing if he didn’t say it, he’d never know.

But all she did was nod and say goodbye, and so he left.

Every step he took back to his compartment, he felt lighter. Somehow he knew, this was the way this was day was supposed to go. As he laughed with the rest of the Marauders, as he theorized over next year’s Quidditch teams, as he felt the memory of Lily’s embrace, he knew that this was what was right.

And then, finally, he did the last thing he had to do before the year ended. He told the truth one last time.

“I still fancy Evans,” he said. There had been a lull in the conversation, and it felt right. The silence continued for about half a second before Sirius threw a pumpkin pasty at him.

“Of course you do, ya nitwit.” Sirius yawned and repositioned his legs so they rested on James’ lap. “Can’t believe it took you so long to realize it. I’ve been mad as hell about it.”

“I know,” he admitted, “Lily told me.”

“’Course she did,” he said. “Can’t keep her mouth closed, that one.”

Sirius had forgiven him. He was okay. He’d told the truth. Everything was okay. Sirius threw another pumpkin pasty at him, and then James threw one back at him, but missed and hit Moony somehow. This started an all-out food-fight, and they yelled and screamed and laughed. He would be okay.

Everything was falling into place, and whatever came their way next year, he could face it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before Lily talked to Snape, before she reconciled with Marlene and Dorcas, before she consoled James, she was preparing to board the train with Mary, Frank, and Alice, along with a couple of seventh years she didn’t know very well. It was a sunny day, even for late June, and their group was smiling and laughing and just enjoying their last moments of being at Hogwarts. However, just before they got to the platform, McGonagall appeared beside them, and pulled Frank and Alice aside.  
> “I assure you that they will not miss the train,” said the Deputy Headmistress. “Run along.”  
> “What is this about, Madam McGonagall?” asked Frank politely as they walked away.  
> “I have been instructed,” she said slowly, “to give the two of you this.”  
> It was two pieces of paper, each folded in half. Both said on the front, in a semi-familiar scrawl, their corresponding names. And beneath, both read the same mysterious title:  
>  _The Order of the Phoenix._


	27. Of an Evans Party and Lily’s Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Over a year ago, Severus Snape and Lily Evans stopped being best friends. A bit after that, a stolen bear named Melody caused Lily to become extremely good friends with Sirius Black, who is James Potter’s best friend. James Potter, who has finally admitted to himself and the rest of the Marauders that he still wants Lily, even though now they’re friends again. Lily made up with Dorcas and Marlene and fought with Snape again. Petunia, Lily’s sister, is dating Vernon Dursley. Remus was long-distancing for a short while with a Muggle girl named Natalie.  
> A/N: Though Dagenham is an actual London suburb (I used a random address generator), I don’t live in Britain and have no clue what it’s like. I took some liberties.

Chapter 26

_Or_

Of an Evans Party and Lily’s Letters

 

_Dear Sirius (the majestic is not the term I’d choose, honestly),_

_The first couple weeks of summer has been good to me thus far. Petunia and Vernon are disgusting as usual, but they – unlike previous holidays – have been spending most of their time at his parents’ place. I think they’re getting serious, Sirius._

_Haha. Serious Sirius._

_Marlene came over yesterday and we had tea. She brought you and Mary up, and I – God, I cannot believe this – I honestly had forgotten about your brief relationship last year. Merlin, that was odd. Thank God that went away._

_Dad’s still on that company trip. I haven’t seen him in weeks, but he calls almost every day. Calling, by the way, is the act of using a phone, a machine one can use to communicate vocally over long distance. Think – sticking your head into the fireplace after using Floo Powder, only with less fire._

_How’s everyone on your side? Is Remus doing okay with the full moon coming up? How’s Peter? Is James bored out of his mind without you around to make him go out of his mind?_

_And how are you doing, living on your own? Living the luxury life, are you? Can I come visit?_

_Lots of love,_

_Lily_

 

_Dear Lily Evans!_

_Your sense of humor is honestly childish and ridiculous. Not to mention unoriginal. Do you have any idea how many times James has made a pun of some sort out of my name? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve done that?_

_The four of us Marauders have, in fact, seen each other no less than four times since school ended. This, once in order to see my new flat, once in order to get plastered, once to get plastered at my flat, and one more time to get ice cream. The place isn’t that luxurious – Uncle Alphard wasn’t much of a spender. I could, however, probably live the rest of my life without working another day. It’s amazing that there has only been one year of my life that I even had to consider getting a job after I graduate. To tell you the truth, though, I probably would have become an Auror. Don’t tell James, he thinks I have a complex._

_Do the two of you talk now? I’ve seen a couple of letters of yours on his desk. Didn’t peek, I swear it._

_He’s fine, by the way. Not bored at all. Remus is… Remus. He tries to deal with this stuff alone, and honestly, outside of Hogwarts, there’s not much we can do. Peter has been hung over for two days. Or he might have the flu. In any case, he’s been throwing up a lot. The first time he did it was all over James’ night clothes. I have pictures, should you wish to see them._

_You could come visit next Sunday, if you want._

_Sirius the Handsome_

 

Sirius’ flat didn’t look like it belonged to him at all. It looked like it belonged to an aging bachelor with a taste for expensive wine and armchairs. It looked like it belonged to someone far too proud of his heritage to possibly be related to Sirius. And it was, one hundred percent, extremely luxurious.

“I’m getting rid of most of the furniture,” Sirius explained as he unlocked the London flat. “And the decorations. I’m basically keeping about a tenth of all of Uncle Alphard’s shit.”

Uncle Alphard had a lot of shit, and most of it was expensive. Lily examined a scarlet armchair with golden lining and concluded that she was terrified to sit on any of it. “I feel like I’ll make it dirty just by touching it,” she said. “You didn’t get any house elves with the place, did you?”

“Uncle Alphard didn’t have any,” Sirius replied, landing with a _thump_ on the very armchair she had just examined, his legs stretched over one of the armrests. He didn’t elaborate on _why_ he didn’t have any house elves. “Even if he had, I would have freed them.”

Lily nodded appreciatively.

“C’mon,” said Sirius, swinging his legs back to the floor. “I’ll show you the rest of the place.”

Besides the sitting room, there was a kitchen hidden behind a bead curtain (“Remus put that up last week, I don’t know what he was thinking but I’m pretty sure he put a Permanent Sticking Charm on it”), a guest room (“This is is where Peter hurled all over James’ feet. Turns out, I’m very good at cleaning spells. Who would’ve known?”), a _library_ (“I’m pretty sure it’s an Undetectable Extension Charm that makes it so big”), an empty room (“I think this was some sort of safe space where Uncle Alphard could experiment, but it was empty when I got here”), and finally –

“My bedroom.”

The bedroom stood in stark contrast to everything else in the flat. It was almost empty, but wasn’t similar to the empty room they had just passed through. Instead, it felt – it felt _homely_. There was a double bed, and the sheets looked slept in. There was a dresser, and the top of it was messy in a way that covered the entire surface but showed everything. There was a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. There was a door to a private bathroom.

It all screamed _Sirius Black_.

Suddenly, Lily felt incredibly comfortable, though she’d been unaware she was tense before. This was _right_. This was what Sirius’ mind looked like: messy but in separate spaces. This was not part of a house, but part of a home. This was what his home was supposed to look like.

“Sirius,” Lily said. “This is – “

He grinned. “Yeah.” He, too, suddenly looked much more relaxed, as though, even without either of them noticing, he’d been afraid she wouldn’t get it. But of _course_ she got it.

Lily Evans and Sirius Black _understood_ each other, after all.

 

_Lily, Sweetheart –_

_How’ve you been? Your last letter was distressing._

_Miss ya,_

_Marlene_

 

_Marlene –_

_The WHALE has been over every day the past week. Come rescue me STAT. Bring Dorcas and Mary if at all possible._

_Lily_

 

That morning, Marlene and a promise came in with the newspaper.

Marlene showed up early in the morning, coinciding with the daily arrival of the newspaper. The newsboy didn’t startle at the sudden appearance of a young girl behind him with no warning; it was possible that he was not a morning person and was simply not awake enough to notice anything was odd, and it was possible that he simply didn’t care. In any case, Marlene picked up the newspaper and passed it on to Mr. Evans when he answered the door.

“Hullo, Mr. Evans,” she said, much too brightly for that hour of the morning. Mr. Evans grunted in response and let Marlene come inside. Lily was still asleep, as it was an ungodly hour to be awake for a _normal_ teenager.

Apparently, Marlene did not have it in her to be a normal teenager.

“WAKE UP!” Marlene screamed outside Lily’s bedroom door, and Lily did, in fact, wake up – but so did Petunia, who came out of her room screaming bloody murder at the younger girl for having interrupted her beauty sleep. This earned another scream from Marlene, and Lily let her escape into her room.

“Before you say anything – “ Lily began.

“Ohmigod, _that_ was a harrowing experience,” said Marlene.

“ – I didn’t expect you to show up before seven am! The _Daily Prophet_ owl hasn’t even shown up yet.”

“I was under the impression that this was an _emergency situation_ ,” said Marlene indignantly.

Lily groaned.

“What was that? I didn’t quite catch it.”

“So’s my _sleep_.”

Marlene threw a pillow at her.

“Where’s everybody else?” Lily asked after a while.

“Dorcas has work – did she tell you she got a job? She said she was _bored_ – but she’s coming after. Mary didn’t say _when_ she would come, but she promised she would.”

Lily smiled.

 

VERNON AND PETUNIA ARE GETTING MARRIED

Join us in celebrating their engagement

July 17th 7 PM at 1 Ager Ave, Dagenham, Greater London

Hosted by Dursley Family & Household

Please RSVP by July 10th to Mrs. Dursley at same address

 

_Sirius –_

_I know. I know. I KNOW. He proposed to her in his family’s sitting room. She said yes and I want to hurl._

_You can bring a plus one. Bear in mind that Mary is going to be there and don’t bring someone too stupid._

_Send the RSVP through me because I don’t trust you to use Muggle post properly._

_Please be there, if anything then for emotional support, and if not for that then for free alcohol,_

_Lily_

 

RSVP:

Will be there w/ +1.

 

_Lily –_

_Plus one will not be too stupid, but might be embarrassing. Will be there, mostly for the free alcohol, but also, for the emotional support._

_I cannot believe that your sister, in fact, has no brain._

_Sirius_

 

“This is the ugliest thing I have ever seen,” said Sirius. “Remind me what we’re doing here?”

Sirius wasn’t particularly far off in his assessment of the suit in front of him. The article of clothing in question was checkered, brown and blue, and had frills at the ends of it. At every single end.

“We’re getting you a Muggle suit,” said Remus patiently, “because you said you wanted to be respectable, and unlike _some_ people, you don’t have a private tailor to make a suit to your specifications – oh, hello.” That last part, tinged with surprise, had been said to a young girl working at the shop. She looked about their age, and blushed at the sight of them. _Well, we are quite handsome,_ thought Sirius.

“Hi – hi,” she said, stammering. “Um – do you need any assistance?” Her eyes flashed to Remus. Sirius didn’t know what to make of it.

“No!” said Remus in an oddly high voice.

“What?” said Sirius, looking at him as if he’d just fallen out of the ceiling. “Nah, lady, stay. We definitely do.”

“We’ll be fine without her, Sirius,” said Remus, still harshly.

“O-okay,” she said, vanishing in between the clothing. _Now_ that’s _magic,_ thought Sirius. He turned to Remus and raised an eyebrow, and Remus didn’t elaborate.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else,” Remus suggested. “I don’t think they have the best collection here.”

Sirius considered it for a moment. Then he said, “Okay.”

Remus startled. “What, really?”

“Yeah, mate,” said Sirius casually. “As long as you explain why the hell you and that girl just acted like you were Snivellus and Prongs meeting each other at a graveyard.”

Remus took a deep breath. “Fine. Fine. Well – that was, um, that was Natalie.”

“Oh,” said Sirius. He thought about it for a second and then ran deeper into the store.

“What are you doing?!” cried Remus. “Stop!”

But it was too late. Sirius had already run after Natalie, and Remus had no choice but to run deeper into the shop as well. Sirius heard the frantic footsteps of his friends following him and barely refrained from laughing outright. Catching up to the dark skinned girl, he tapped her shoulder and outstretched his arm. She turned around, startled, and he plastered his best most dazzling grin on. “Hello,” he said, “I’m Sirius Black, one of Remus’ mates from school. Nice to meet you.”

She blushed, then hesitantly shook his hand. “Natalie.”

“Oh, I know,” he grinned. “I’ve heard _not nearly enough_ about you. So, you still dating McDouche?”

“Sirius!” cried out Remus, sounding pained.

Natalie looked stressed.

Sirius simply continued grinning.

 

_~~Potter~~ _

_~~James –~~ _

_~~Dear James,~~ _

_~~James!~~ _

_James,_

_I keep trying to write you and it doesn’t work how did I even do this the last couple of times oh my God_

_I’m going to throw this in the trash anyway, so here it goes:_

_I like you. Merlin, I like you. But you literally just broke up with one of my best friends. Marlene, by the way, seems fine. She said the other day she doesn’t regret dating you, but that it was never meant to last, and refused to add anything more, even when pestered. Believe me when I say, Mary pestered her. Mary, by the way, is dating a fifth year – I mean, an-about-to-be sixth year Ravenclaw. They’re so annoying. He’s there whenever we come over, and often comes with her when she’s the one visiting. I’d forgotten that this is her usual self. I think she’s finally over that whole gross thing with Mulciber. Or at least, she’s better now. Getting back to her gossip-queen-bee roots. But she, turns out, is a good friend. I… I’m really glad she’s better. And I suspect that it’s actually a little your fault. But since I’m not sending this to you, I won’t go into any details._

_Merlin. It’s not like I even know you that well. Not nearly as well as I know Sirius or even Benjy. By any shred of common sense, I’d be into one of them. But I don’t think I’m ready to date anybody, anyway. I don’t think I’m ready._

_My Dad can’t get away from his company retreat even for Petunia’s engagement party. I don’t know what he’s doing there, and my mother can’t give me any straight answers. It’s fucking awful. He sounds so cheerful on the phone, if a bit bummed that he can’t be there for Petunia’s great day. But then again, he doesn’t approve of The Whale any more than I do._

_I keep thinking of my encounter with Snape on the train. I mean, I know that I’ve told him that we’re not friend anymore a million times, but I think – I think this time he got it. And the odd thing is with the engagement and everything, I keep wishing he was here with me to make fun of it all so I didn’t have to. Because he was allowed to be sarcastic and mean to Petunia, because she had always been that to him. But I’m not. I have to be supportive, and perfect, and –_

_Oh I just can’t stand this_

_I miss Hogwarts. Everything there, even all of the drama of this last year, is so much simpler than being here._

 

(The previous letter was later placed in the fireplace of the Evans household and carefully watched until it was nothing but ashes. The following letter had been sent instead.)

 

_Hey,_

_I hope your mother is feeling better. I know that she’s not the youngest, but she’s survived thus far – I believe she must have a few more years left in her._

_My sister’s engaged. That’s weird, right? She’s only a bit older than me, and she’s already settling down. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop._

_Wishing your mother a speedy recovery,_

_Lily_

 

_~~Evans~~ _

_~~Lily Evans –~~ _

_~~Dear Lily,~~ _

_Dear Evans,_

_Thank you for your_

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit_

_Why is this so fucking hard_

_I know why._

_Everything is fucking shit right now Evans. I know that you don’t want to hear it but I love you and I miss you and I keep hearing about all the fucking murders on the radio and I want to do something about it. What am I supposed to do? I want to fight. How do I fight?_

_See. Everything is shit, even my circular thinking._

_ Who _ _do I fight?_

_Sometimes I miss fighting with you._

 

(The previous letter was later crumpled up and thrown in the bin, quickly covered in food wrappers, and taken out with the morning trash. The following letter had been sent instead.)

 

_Hey to you too, Evans._

_Yes, I know about the wedding. Remus took Sirius the other day to get a Muggle suit, and, apparently, they ran into Remus’ ex. It ended badly. They got the suit in another store, and it even isn’t awful. Sirius hates it. He prefers jeans and a white T any day, but you probably know that._

_My mother’s feeling a lot better, but at her age, even St. Mungo’s can’t do much. She said thank you for your concern._

_Have the wedding preparations started yet? The Potter family isn’t a close-knit family, but it is a widespread one, and there’s one every few months, usually. I’ve been exempt from attending ever since I was twelve and I started bringing Sirius along._

_For obvious reasons._

_Good luck,_

_James_

 

He wasn’t even really sure what he was doing here, anyway. It’s not like Lily properly invited him or anything. Sirius had thought it would be funny to people watch, but, _of course_ , the moment they arrived he’d disappeared to go do something that was probably inappropriate in some way or another. He hoped that it involved coming back with drinks. Preferably alcoholic.

The party wasn’t taking place in the actual house, but rather, in a rather large tent constructed in the rather large back garden. Instead of being charming, it was choking; the air was stuffy and hot and unbearable and stank of _suburban summer_. There were no plants in this part of the “garden”; it had, rather, the vibe of a formerly forested area that had been cleared away to expand an existing clearing. And, the worst of it all, he didn’t like the look of _anybody_ at the party; most everybody was over the age of forty, and all of the people his age were so Muggle that it was practically already boring him. Coming here had been a bad idea.

So he wandered among the crowd, absentmindedly flirted with a girl he found to be attractive but not interesting, and eventually picked a seat and stayed there. There was dancing, and half-decent music, and no Sirius, and no food.

And, James noted, no sign of Lily, who really ought to be here.

Oddly enough, the first person he recognized – even though he didn’t approach her – was Petunia Evans, soon to be Dursley.

He’s never properly been introduced to her, but he’d seen her once when the Evanses had come to pick Lily up at the end of the year. And, of course, he’d memorized her face, just as he’d memorized everything else he’d ever learned of Lily Evans.

She looked nothing like Lily. In fact, she was her opposite in every way: dark-haired, tall and skinny, with a neck like a horse and a simply appalling nose (James really liked Lily’s nose; it was cute and button-y). However, the most appalling thing about her, distorting any features that might have similarities to her sister’s beyond recognition, was that she looked _bitter_. She looked _mean_. And worst of all, she looked _unhappy_.

Lily never let herself look unhappy. Lily wouldn’t let herself _be_ unhappy, especially not during her engagement party.

James saw nothing of Lily’s kindness in her sister, and that was just a little tragic.

Petunia was soon joined by a whale of a man, far too fat and mustached to possibly be anything less than forty five years old. He was holding a glass of champagne, but didn’t seem drunk as much as giddy.

Behind him was Sirius; James waved at him, beckoning him to come over, but all Sirius did was wink at him. He had his arm around someone –

Oh. Lily.

She was beautiful, of course, wearing a _tantalizingly_ short and cleavage-friendly white dress. She had her hair braided, flowers imbedded in it. And she was smiling.

(That was probably thanks to Sirius. She always smiled when he was around.)

Their gazes met, and her shining green eyes widened with surprised. She hit Sirius lightly on the shoulder, and he pretended to be hurt. James knew Sirius had never told Lily who his plus-one was; James didn’t quite know what to make of her reaction.

He stood and began walking closer, however, before he could reach them, he heard the booming voice of Petunia’s beau – Vernon, was it? – say, “Petunia, dear, would you come over here?”

Petunia did. “What is it, dear?”

“Well,” he said, and though he didn’t seem it before, he was definitely drunk now. “Can’t your slut of a sister _produce_ something to cover herself up? She looks – she looks – “

Petunia hurriedly made sure her dress was neat and covering all the important bits.

“Like a slut,” he finished, slightly slurring the ends of his words. “Shouldn’t she be able to – to just _change_ it? She should. She looks ridiculous.”

“Vernon, dear, really – “

“Petunia, I really do insist – “

The lights flickered, and Vernon shut up rather suddenly, looking fearfully at Lily, who, fists clenched, turned around and ran out.

And James, being an idiot, followed her out.

It was, shockingly, a rather cool night. The evening had been warm and the party-tent had amplified that heat the longer the night wore on and the more people showed up. But Lily, in her short dress, was shivering even as she ran.

He ran after her. They were in the house now, in what was obviously a guest room – a bedroom with no personal affects. A bag with what was probably Lily’s stuff was sitting in a corner –

Scratch that. Floating in a corner. In fact, everything in the room was floating – even James.

“Lily – are you okay?”

She shook her head silently, glistening tears surrounding her like diamonds. The magic was so strong, her magic was so strong – and she was out of control, magic was seeping out the cracks in her façade, and he was there, willing to endure all of it. For her. All of it was for her. “My sister just got engaged to a – to a creep,” she was mumbling, and what she was saying was so loud it was all-encompassing, covering her like a protective blanket. She was shedding her protective shields, slowly, so slowly. “My ex-best friend is going to try and kill me eventually. And you’re here. Of all people, you’re here. You stayed. And I can’t thank you enough.”

“I’m sure everybody else – “ James began, but he knew that he was lying. The rest wouldn’t have come into this room. They would’ve – might’ve – done everything else, endured it all, but when Lily lost control, they would’ve run. And now she was standing there, hurt and magical and beautiful, and he was there. He had done all of it.

For her. All of it was for her.

“They wouldn’t have come in here,” she said. “We’re floating, James. We’re flying. What if we went somewhere else – what if we ran? What if we escaped this hellhole that we call a life…”

“Lily,” he said softly, “come here.”

And to his surprise, she did. She buried her head in his neck and he held onto her as strongly as he could, and she cried her heart out. He didn’t know how long she was crying, there in his arms, or how long they stood in that room, but eventually he found that they were no longer floating. The magic, that primal magic which had been released within her, had calmed down. “We have really got to stop meeting like this.”

She laughed, wiping tears away, and kept doing it long after there was no trace of them in her eyes. He held her hands in his. “Enough,” he said. “It’s okay.”

She took a deep, rattled breath. “The past year or so – I’ve figured it out, you know. Starting with Melody.” She laughed, and it was an awfully hollow, broken kind of laugh. She was so close to him, she was whispering, yet he could hear her clear as a bell, feel her breath on his skin. “I used to look at her and hope – hope that Tuney – Petunia, that is – that we might be friends again. But she doesn’t – she didn’t stand up for me. And she _told_ him I’m a witch without telling me she told him. And now I look at Melody and all I think about – oh, James, all I think about is you, and how awful I’ve been to you, and how awful you were to me and to Sev – Snape. And I think – I think I’m starting to let go. I’m no longer holding on to a past that I have no use for. Petunia and Severus both.” She was slowly pulling away from him, but this time, the walls around her were truly shattered. He could have seen her building them up, if she had done so, but she chose not to. She chose to show him the broken pieces, and maybe, one day, he would be able to help her mend them. Maybe they could mend their broken pieces, together.

“Why – I mean, this might not be the best time to ask – “ she laughed at this – “but why were you friends with Sni – with Snape? I could never understand that. I mean, he was so – “

“Cruel, horrible, mean, a slimy git?” she completed his sentence for him. “No, you’re right. But before we came here, to school – we met when I was nine. And he was different back then.”

And she sat there, and she told him about two misfits who found each other against all odds, and about how he always told her how much it didn’t matter, and kept telling her that right up until that day by the lake – the day that changed everything – and how angry she’d been at both of them, but she knew she could never forgive Snape. And she was calling him Snape more and more now, he noticed; he was no longer her childhood friend, Severus, in her eyes, but simply Snape. He had done too much to prove how much he wasn’t that kid to be that friend anymore. And James never despised him more that in that moment – or pitied him more, because he could read the dying affection in Lily’s eyes, affection for someone she knew didn’t exist anymore. And once again, he held her, trying to hold her together, and let her tell him how much she needed him at one point, and how much it hurt her to say goodbye to him, and that she was doing her best to forget and move on but that it still hurt, almost a year and a half later, and that she feared that it would always hurt. And James couldn’t help but picture broken glass, the kind that a simple Reparo couldn’t fix, that a wave of a wand couldn’t mend. This would take time, and the result wouldn’t be the same as the original.

This healing had to be a process, slow. But maybe the result would be a beautiful a mosaic. And she would need someone she could trust.

And apparently, she’d chosen James.

 

This trust – realizing that James was worthy of it – was the second time Lily Evans changed her mind about James Potter. The third time was yet to come, but in the meantime, Lily Evans had a broken heart to mend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Likely my only update this month. It seems crazy that this is my most important work, but barely anybody pays attention to it on this website.


	28. Of Clear Skies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: As always, Lily and James’ situation is awkward. They’re definitely friends, especially now that Marlene and James have broken up. While shopping for a Muggle suit, Sirius and Remus ran into Remus’ ex, Natalie. You might have forgotten this, but officially, Dorcas is still dating Cameron.

Chapter 27

_Or_

Of Clear Skies

 

The odd thing about living in a state of war is you sort of get used to it. Sure, it might be on your mind every once in a while, but as a civilian, your life sort of goes on, uninterrupted aside from the news. When somebody dies, you’re appropriately horrified and occupied by it for a while, and then it just fades away.

Living in a state of war is waiting for the next casualty.

And there is a very big difference between living in a state of war and actually living a war.

(You’ll see.)

 

(Part 1: Living in a State of Flux)

It took approximately three hours for the entirety of Wizard Britain to hear that Sirius Black was throwing a party at his flat that Wednesday night, exactly one week before school was starting again.

The flat had been cleared and magically Extended for the occasion, the remaining expensive furniture moved to the empty room, the doors to the bedrooms and the library and said empty room magically sealed. A banner stating simply “CONGRATULATIONS” hung on the wall above the cheap table bought expressly for this party. On the table, of course, could be found the following: a. various forms of alcohol, from hard liquor to rum-filled punch, b. seemingly an endless amount of cups, and c. seemingly infinite brownie pans. Lily had been assured by Sirius, oddly enough, that they were completely innocent brownies which can do nothing but fill a stomach; she didn’t much see the point, what with alcohol being so much worse than a little pot, but he refused to even tell her where the brownies came from, and she found that more suspicious than possible magical weed.

The party was, technically, being thrown in her honor; she had received her Head Girl badge a few days ago and immediately posted some very excited letters to several of her friends. James hadn’t had a chance to respond yet; he was in Tuscany until that very evening. Sirius had assured her that he had gotten her letter _and_ been invited to the party; James had simply had no time to sit down and write her back. Everybody else, however, had already told her congratulations in one form or another. Her mother had baked her an orange cake, which was rather ironically Lily’s favorite; Petunia had huffed and continued working on the wedding preparations, though Lily suspected she was spending less time insulting her in some twisted form of celebration. Dorcas and Marlene had given her a gift card to a book shop; Marlene actually apologized for the tackiness, explaining that they had very little time and quite a lot of pressure. Dorcas said, rather curtly, that it would have been the kind of gift _she’d_ like to receive, and refused to say that it was a bad gift. (It was, but Lily didn’t mind.) Mary had helped Sirius organize the party and send out invitations, though they were sure there would be plenty of party-crashers.

And there were. There were a lot of party crashers. It was, after all, a party hosted by one of the Marauders – not just any Marauder, but Sirius Black. Sirius Black had his own flat at the age of seventeen. Sirius Black was loaded. Sirius Black was the only Black in living memory to be in Gryffindor instead of Slytherin. Sirius Black had both the brains and the looks. Sirius Black knew how to have fun. Sirius Black could throw one hell of a party.

People were saying other things about Sirius Black, but neither Sirius nor anybody who actually mattered cared. Even Mary, who had a deep love for everything gossip, hadn’t even entertained the other stuff (such as a rumor of him dating Lily Evans and James Potter and Remus Lupin, all at the same time, apparently, or the rumor that he was in fact just like his brother and supported the man more and more people were calling “You-Know-Who”). Of course, Mary was a little too busy at the moment to discuss anything; she was a little preoccupied, sucking face with Her Ravenclaw boyfriend.

This was unfortunate, because Lily had been talking to her up until the moment Ravenclaw Boy arrived, and now, discontent with watching this mating display, Lily was forced to find something else to do.

First, she would refill her cup. Then, she would check in on Dorcas, to see she wasn’t having any panic attacks. Then she would refill her cup yet again. And then she would try to find James.

And that’s what she did. Her first drink of the night had been the punch, which didn’t have much of a kick, and she decided to stick with it for now. It was surprisingly easy to locate Dorcas; she was sitting on the floor with her back against the wall just a couple of meters from the alcohol table. Lily passed by her practically by accident; she’d intended to go the other way, deeper into the party rather than in the direction of the hallway, but had been pushed in the other direction. She mentioned this to Dorcas as she joined her on the floor.

“You okay?” Lily asked.

“Yeah.”

“’Cause I know you’re not a fan of parties this big, and if you just want to go home, you know I’d get it –“

“I’m just sitting here for a bit, till Cam finishes here,” Dorcas said closing her eyes and resting her head on the wall. “I don’t mind being here.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

There was a bit of silence and then –

“Ugh, I cannot believe this.”

“What?” Lily asked, surprised. She’d gotten distracted, listening to the music; Dorcas was sitting up straight now, staring straight ahead at a girl who looked vaguely familiar. “Who’s that?” she asked.

“That,” Dorcas said, “is Marlene’s American cousin. I _hate_ her.” Lily tried to inquire further, but Dorcas simply shook her head. “I refuse to waste any more breath on her,” she announced, closing her eyes once more.

Intrigued, Lily decided to delay phase three – ‘refill cup yet again’ – for now. She approached the girl and assessed her quickly. She was about their age, either seventeen or eighteen, and had dyed her hair strawberry blonde, but not recently. She was dressed rather conservatively for an event such as this, with a buttoned-down shirt which, though colorful, had long sleeves, and a pair of very old-looking jeans. She had a pair of wide glasses and a pale face riddled with acne scars and freckles alike. Altogether, she looked more prepared for book club than for one of Sirius Black’s infamously alcohol-soaked parties; the cup she was holding had nothing but what seemed to be water in it. She didn’t strike Lily as exactly pretty, but rather average, though her relation to Marlene was clear even to the untrained eye. Oddly enough, she didn’t seem uneasy, just a bit out of place; she was, in fact, idly chatting with a tall boy with a mop of dark hair –

“James, you finally got here!”

Lily threw her arms around him, and they hugged for a moment or two. James ran a hand through his hair as he said, “Yeah, just Floo’d in a few minutes ago. I ran into Ella here and – “

“Ella?” Lily asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “C’mon, Ella, this is Lily, one of Marlene’s best friends. Lily, this is Ella, she’s Marlene’s cousin from America.”

“Nice to meet ya,” said Ella. Her accent was exactly what Lily had expected. “Lily, was it? I think I remember Mar mentioning ya ‘couple ’a times. You’re the one this party is technically for?”

“Yeah, well,” Lily said, blushing a bit. “I made Head Girl and all. Do you know what that is?”

“I’m American, not a bad cousin!” was Ella’s reply.

“Well, it was nice meeting you,” said Lily, not sure what to add. “James, come with me for a refill?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” he said.

Just as they turned to leave, however, Ella asked: “Hey, are you two an item or something?”

Lily coughed very suddenly and James paused as he was, his fingers tangled in his hair still. “No!” said Lily abruptly. “What – what makes you ask?”

“Well, Marlene broke up with you, James, like a month ago or whatever, and two hotties like you two – “

“Two _hotties_ like us?” asked James, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, you don’t seem like the type who are single for long, is all.” She shrugged, and took a sip of her cup. Her expression remained neutral, and Lily took that to mean that her original assumption, that Ella’s cup was filled with nothing but water, was correct.

“Well,” Lily said. “We’re not. The type – the type of person you mentioned, _or_ a couple.”

Something flashed in James’ eyes too quickly for Lily to understand it. “C’mon, Lily,” he said. “Let’s go get you something to drink.”

 “So,” Lily said as they pushed their way through the crowd. “That was Marlene’s cousin?”

James made a noncommittal sound. “She’s American,” he said, as if he was explaining something. Lily sniggered.

 

(Part 2: Living in a State of Permanent Heartbreak)

Remus would swear under oath that he hadn’t come to this shopping center meaning to bump into Natalie. In fact, he wouldn’t even admit to himself that he was doing anything but searching for a present.

This was only partly true, but Remus wasn’t even sure _when_ Natalie worked, and he had no idea if she would be at the shopping center at the same time as he. In fact, it seemed incredibly unlikely.

Which was pretty stupid of him, because he was going to the same shopping center he knew for a fact she worked.

He was on his way out of the bookshop, shoving the gift into his bag, when he quite literally bumped into her.

“Sorry,” he blurted, only to realize who it was and say, “sorry!” again.

“It’s fine,” she said. She was wearing a crumpled version of her uniform; she had probably just finished a shift or was taking a break. She didn’t look at him, awkwardly looking at the ground for a moment, and then started to walk away.

Remus stood rooted to the spot for a moment. On the one hand, he was a werewolf. He was a danger to her. He could never have a life with her. They they came from completely different worlds. She was a Muggle and he was a wizard.

On the other hand, she still had that beautiful dark curly hair.

He called her name, and she turned around.

“D’you want, maybe, um,” he said, blushing. “Would you like to get a coffee, or something?”

She nodded, and it seemed as if both of them were surprised. “There’s a place I like about three blocks away,” she said.

“Lead the way.”

She led the way, and it was… awkward. And silent. And resentful. And painful. And hopeful.

It took them no time at all and far too long to reach the café. It was a small café with about six tables inside, but it was cozy and mostly empty. Outside, though somewhat cold, was much more comfortable seating, but there were far more patrons there. They chose to sit inside, and at least as far as Remus was concerned, it was for privacy. Natalie ordered some type of coffee, but Remus didn’t really know much about coffee and couldn’t remember even five minutes later what she ordered. He got a hot chocolate.

“You always order that,” Natalie said once the waitron had cleared. “Hot chocolate. Why do you always order hot chocolate?”

Remus shrugged. “I just like chocolate.”

They sat in silence and it was _awkward_. If Remus had to pick one adjective to describe the entire evening, it would be _awkward_. If he were to title the novelization of his life, he would call it _Awkward_. If he would ever, _ever_ dare tell this story to any of his friends, he would say it was _awkward_. It was worse than awkward. It was _awful_.

Their drinks came around, and Natalie asked, “Well – what were you doing here, anyway?”

Remus made a quick decision. “I was getting a present. For a friend.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said casually. “Birthday?”

“Um, they were given a position at school. Really… prestigious.”

“Well, that is a cause for celebration.”

“My friend is having a party. But I didn’t want to go.”

“Don’t drink alcohol?”

“Don’t like the people. Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Drink alcohol.”

“Only sometimes, and not a lot. It makes me cranky.”

“The alcohol, or the hangover?”

“Both, honestly. Not that I’ve ever been properly hungover…”

Remus was taken aback. “Never?”

“I take it you have, then?” she countered.

He laughed nervously. “Yeah. A lot. Well – you’ve met Sirius. You know a bit what he’s like.”

She paused for a moment, considering her next words. “I didn’t expect that.” In response to his unvoiced inquiry, she elaborated: “For you to be friends with someone like that. When you told me that your friends were eccentric – weird – I guess I sort of imagined some sort of… group of geeks who are super into The Lord of The Rings or something.”

Glossing over the fact that he wasn’t quite sure who (or what) The Lord of the Rings _was_ , Remus replied: “Sirius is hardly that. But he is definitely eccentric. But…” he hesitated.

“But?”

“I wouldn’t be who I am without him. There’s James and Peter, and they’re great, but Sirius, he can really – “

“… What?”

“He can really get to me. Push me so I’m better.”

“What, like in school?”

“Nah,” said Remus. “I guess it’s stupid.”

In his head he was screaming: _LIKE IN LIFE_. But he was beginning to understand that she’d never understand.

 

(Part 3: Living in a State of Uncertainty)

While Lily was getting her third drink, James disappeared. Didn’t even properly say goodbye, just – disappeared.

 _It is possible_ , Lily reasoned as she tried to make her way to the hallway, _that he was simply swallowed by the crowd._

But a small voice in her head was saying that it was something else. _It is possible,_ it said, _that he simply grew tired of you and decided to find one of his actual_ friends _. You know, the ones whose entire relationships with him aren’t built on crying on each other’s shoulders._

 _Shut up_ , she told that voice. She could hear Sirius talking to someone very loudly (though the music wasn’t as strong on this side of the wall, which probably contributed to her being able to hear him at all) and decided to head in that direction.

And voilà, there was James, a smile splashed all over his face and his bright eyes shining with a livelihood he only ever had around Sirius. This was the first time she got to actually evaluate him in his entirety this evening; he had always, so far, been partially blocked by something or someone.

She was willing to admit, at least in her head, that he looked _good_ in Muggle clothing. (She’d actually rarely seen him outside of his school robes, which he wore, oftentimes, even during winter breaks when at school. And the last time she’d seen him – well, she’d been rather, ahem, busy, and didn’t pay attention to what he was wearing.) It was relatively plain attire, just a fitting white T-shirt and some wide jeans, with a black blazer thrown on top. (She wondered how he didn’t die of heat in that thing; she was wearing short sleeves and was practically dying of heat exhaustion.) But, and maybe it was just that _thing_ where when a boy is wearing the exact opposite of what you’re used to and the shock is why you think it’s attractive, he looked _so good_ in that form-hugging shirt. He was skinny, hardly muscly in the wide-set sense, but –

Oh, God. _I am not thinking about this_.

“Hi, Lily,” chirped someone next to James. She blinked and realized it was Peter talking; she had honestly simply not realized he was there.

“Hey, Peter!” she said, forcing a smile onto her features. “Sirius. James.” They both nodded at her. “Thanks for the party, it’s really – it’s really something.”

“Pshhh – “ said Sirius dismissively. “It was nothing, really. Just a little silly party at the end of the summer. We’re back at school next week, after all. And besides, Jamesy here – “

Sirius stopped abruptly, and Lily couldn’t be sure, but she thought James had stepped on his foot.

“Okay then,” Lily said, suddenly unsure as to what she was doing here, talking to this group. Because Sirius was theirs, and James was theirs, and Peter –

Well, she didn’t get particularly occupied with Peter.

“Anyway,” she said, “Sirius, I was wondering if I could have the password for the spare bedroom. I think I’d like to rest for a bit.”

“It’s not a password, it’s a – “ began Sirius, then he shook his head and said, “nah, it’s too complicated to explain right now. I’m getting a little fuzzy!” he yelled, pointing to his drink. “James, go show her.”

James stood up and walked with her down the hall to the guest bedroom. He murmured a few words while waving his wand in a complex motion, and the door unlocked; he opened it for her and in an odd, gentleman-like move, opened his arm in an invitation to come in.

She walked in, surveying the room; it had a bit more dust since the last time she’d been here, which probably meant that Sirius hadn’t cleaned this place since Peter puked in it two months ago, but otherwise remained unchanged. Turning around, she noticed that James was closing the door, and before she could change her mind, she said – “No, wait!”

James hesitated for a moment, then looked at her questioningly.

“Do you wanna – d’ya wanna stay with me, for a moment?” she suggested.

He looked confused, but eventually nodded and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. “The last time I was here, I woke up to the smell of puke,” he remarked. “There’s definitely an improvement on that point.”

Lily sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to her. “C’mon,” she said when he did nothing. “Sit with me.”

He did, and Lily could hear her heart pounding together with the beat of the music outside. The unidentifiable song was ending; they could tell, because it was fading out.

“Lily,” James began, then hesitated.

“What?” she asked, looking at him closely. He looked nervous, his hair messier than usual, his eyes jumping back and forth, landing on her for only seconds at a time.

“I – “ he said.

“You what?”

“Do you want to dance with me?” he asked, obviously having changed his mind.

She laughed. “We can barely hear the music in here,” she said. _That wasn’t a no, please don’t think that’s a no –_

“That’s not a problem, the record player is in that closet over there,” he said. _Thank God Thank God Thank God –_

He walked over to the closet, and she joined him; there was, in fact, a record player behind the brown wooden doors. She looked through the records quickly while he checked from the other end. Lily found a record first, and so they played the Beatles, which James had sort of heard of before, but not really.

“I cannot believe,” she said, “that you haven’t heard of the _Beatles_. They’re iconic!”

“Maybe in the Muggle world,” he said. “But I grew up listening to other stuff. Look at those, for example,” he said, pointing to a stack of records belonging to a band she’d never heard of. “That’s what my Dad played for me when I was a kid,” he said. “Besides, I’ve heard _of_ the Beatles. I just haven’t _heard_ the Beatles.”

The record continued playing, but they didn’t dance. When _Yesterday_ began playing, Lily closed her eyes and started swaying with the music. “I love this one,” she muttered.

James grabbed her hand. “C’mon,” he said, “let’s dance.” He let go of her hand, instead placing his around her waist; after a moment of shock, she smiled and wrapped hers around his neck.

They danced, and it was nice. It was warm, really; like a fuzzy feeling of content-ness and nervousness all balled up into one soft dance to the sound of _Yesterday_ by the Beatles, which really wasn’t the most appropriate song for the situation, perhaps, but it was slow and James wasn’t a bad dancer but she didn’t particularly trust his feet when forced to move faster than they currently were.

She was very, very aware of every dot of skin he was touching. It felt like she was burning alive. It felt like she’d never _been_ more alive. She was nervous, and cautious, and reckless.

She rest her head on his chest, thanking the skies above that James was so tall.

“Lily?” he said as the song neared its end.

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something.”

“Can it wait?”

“Not really. Am I ruining the moment?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll tell you later.”

Lily pulled back. “It’s too late, the moment’s ruined. Just tell me. Shoot.”

James was nervous, messing up his hair again. “Yeah, well, um – maybe you should sit down.”

She did, but she was laughing. “What is it, James? Relax. Just tell me. It can’t hardly be that bad. Just spit it out.”

He sat down next to her, then stood up again, and started pacing. “Congratulations on getting Head Girl,” he said, “I just realized I never actually said it.”

“James – “ she sighed.

“I’m Head Boy,” he said.

Lily gawked at him.

“ _You’re_ Head Boy.”

“Yeah.”

“But you’re not – “

“Apparently Quidditch Captains can also become Heads. It just… doesn’t happen.”

“But it did happen.”

“Yeah, well.”

“Are you _sure_ you’re Head Boy?”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence.”

“I didn’t mean it _that_ way – “

“I have the badge and everything.”

“Why didn’t it say anything in my letter?”

“My letter didn’t say anything about _you_. When you got your letter about becoming a prefect back in fifth year, did it say that Remus was going to be a prefect as well?”

“Well, no…”

“I’m Head Boy, Lily.”

“Yes, I’ve got that.” She paused. “Well, I guess you’re due for a congratulations. So… congratulations.”

Hand still in his hair, he mumbled a short “thanks” and sat back down again. “Are… are you okay?”

“I thought it would be Edgecombe,” Lily admitted. “Or Severus. I wasn’t looking forward to working with either of them. I’d rather it be you.”

James frowned. “You didn’t even consider Remus?”

Lily panicked for a moment, because Lily knew Remus’ secret but James didn’t know that she knew Remus’ secret, and she hadn’t factored that in. “Yeah, uh, well,” she said, grasping for the right words. “I, uh, I didn’t think he would want that responsibility, what with his mother being really ill all the time and him going back home to… visit her.”

James nodded. “Right. That makes sense. Smart.”

“Thanks. So you’re Head Boy, huh?”

“I’m Head Boy.”

…

“Does it sound eerily quiet out there to you, too?”

 

(Part 4: Living in a State of Fearful Indecision)

Remus Apparated back to the flat about two hours after it started. The music was still playing, but within the couple of minutes it took him to find Sirius and Peter (with James nowhere in sight), it had stopped.

 _Emergency broadcast_ , the voice in the radio was saying. _Emergency broadcast. Three men have entered the Ministry of Magic and demanded an audience with the Minister of Magic. Upon receiving a refusal, they said in unison: “The Dark Lord will not be ignored” and slit their own throats. The identity of the men and whether they were under the Imperius curse is -_

Sirius waved his wand, and the radio turned off. “Everybody out,” he said, and despite – or perhaps because – Sirius Black never ended his parties early, everybody left. Dorcas and Marlene left together; Mary said goodbye, and Apparated away from a corner of the room; Peter admitted that he wanted to go see his mother, check up on her, see she’s alright; and even James and Lily, who had come out of the spare bedroom early in the broadcast, went their separate ways, though both of them said rather lengthy and private goodbyes to both Sirius and each other.

Remus stayed, and with the wave of the wand, he cleaned everything up.

“I could have done that by myself,” said Sirius. “I’m pretty good with vanishing spells, you know that.”

“I’m staying,” Remus said, answering his unasked question. “Don’t argue the point.”

And Sirius didn’t argue.

 

No matter when or where, war isn’t something you get used to. War is something you try your best to get through. And you can’t do that alone.

So Lily, James, and Peter went home to their families, and Remus stayed with Sirius, because he had no family, and Mary went home with a guy, and Cam took Dorcas home and stayed there with her, for a while. And none of them said anything about it, all talking about or doing other things, because when you’re living in a war, the last thing you want to think about is the tragedy, the hopelessness, the war itself. But it’s there.

It was in every word they said that night, every movement, every thought. It was in their veins and in their throats and in their eyes, all tangled up in every aspect of their lives. They were all so frustrated and complicated and alone. They clung to each other and tried to be there for each other all while knowing that really, everybody in the world wages their own war.

When you’re living in a state of war, the war is something you bring up every once in a while. The newspapers have an article about it on page three or even the front page every once in a while. You remember that lives are ending in the back of your mind every once in a while. You can try and reason with it. You can easily just… not remember.

When you’re living in a war, all you can do is try to forget. Try to deal. And eventually, try to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess we're finally heading towards the dreaded seventh year.  
> Shit.  
> Happy 2016, folks.


	29. Of Being Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Dorcas is still dating Cam. Also, she and Marlene had a thing which exploded at the end of last year. Lily and James are, respectively, Head Girl and Boy. Once she and Mary stopped being friends, Tally became sort of aloof and sickly.

Chapter 28

_Or_

Of Being Back

 

Dorcas Meadowes was not naturally a liar. Well, that’s not exactly true; she could lie quite easily. Dorcas was a naturally born liar. The problem was that she hated doing it. She was always what she called truthful and other people called blunt, and up until some months ago, she’d been quite obnoxious about it.

But when she started dating Cam, she realized that if she still prided herself in always telling the truth, she’d have become a hypocrite. And so she stopped mentioning it. For a while.

But she’d done quite a lot of thinking over the summer, and she’d made her decision: no more lying. It was time. It was beyond time.

And on the first of September, 1977, Dorcas Meadowes went through the secret entrance to Platform Nine and Three Quarters, made a beeline towards Cameron McKinnon, and broke up with him.

“I’m breaking up with you,” she said, in a manner even she realized was rather blunt, and so she added the following to soften it: “I’m sorry.”

Without blinking, Cam asked, “Why?”

And Dorcas thought about it for about two seconds before saying: “Because I’m a lesbian.”

This made Cameron blink. He pulled back, looking semi disgusted. Dorcas rolled her eyes, and, without even saying goodbye, took her stuff and climbed onto the train, where she made her way to the compartment Lily and Mary and Marlene and she had agreed to meet at. They were all already there, even though it was only 10:50.

“I have something to tell you,” she told them when she entered the compartment. She shoved her trunk into its place as she said, “I broke up with Cam.”

When she turned back around, Lily and Mary looked shocked. Marlene looked… thoughtful.

“When?” asked Mary.

“Just before I got on the train.”

“Why?” asked Lily.

“Because I’m a lesbian,” answered Dorcas. She looked at her wristwatch; it was 10:52. “I imagine by the time the train leaves the station, everybody will know. Cameron didn’t look particularly happy with the revelation he’d been dating a horrible, monstrous lesbian.” She looked up, expecting to see the same disgust she’d seen in Cam’s expression mirrored by these three, surprised when she didn’t see it. “And I _know_ , this is hardly the right time to come out or whatever because of all the tension, but – “

“We get it,” said Marlene. “Don’t worry, we’re fine with it.”

But she was the only one not looking at Dorcas.

 

Lily was sort of conflicted when only five minutes after Dorcas’ confession, she was forced to leave and go to the prefects’ compartment. She knew Dorcas would be okay, it was just that she wanted to make it _better_.

It took her no time at all to reach the compartment, but by the time she got there, the Hogwarts’ Express had already left the station, and it seemed that Dorcas’ prediction was accurate; no less than four separate students had already asked her “ _Is it true that Dorcas Meadowes is queer? Fuckin’ hell, I never would have guessed. She seemed so normal to me!”_

To which Lily had said only that she was late to the prefect’s meeting, and hurried off.

She was only a couple of minutes late; only about half the prefects, most of them fifth years, had shown up. James had been early as well, somewhat to her surprise; perhaps she should have known - he had a lot to prove, after all.

By 11:10, however, everybody had shown up; Lily opened the meeting, and James and her alternated taking the lead from there. James, though a natural leader, was inexperienced, and had obviously been walked through this, probably by Remus; he did well enough. Lily herself was a bit nervous, having never _led_ a prefect meeting before, but James was great when she faltered, taking up the mantel as easy as breathing, or simply asking the right leading question.

Lily tried very hard not to notice Snape seething every time he did.

“Finally, regarding our uneven number for patrols this year,” Lily said, “we have always alternated our pairings weekly, and it will simply be that the scheduling will be slightly more complex than before. Don’t worry about it, really, James and I will come up with a schedule by tonight. Anything else?” She looked at James.

He shook his head. “I guess we’re finished here, then. It was – “

What it was, however, we will never know, because the fifth year Ravenclaw prefect – was it Helen something? Lily couldn’t remember – shouted: “Is it true that Dorcas Meadowes is gay?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” said Lily. “The meeting’s officially over. You can all return to your compartments.”

“Yeah, you’re all dismissed, or whatever,” said James. “Shoo.”

Remus rolled his eyes at that. There was a shuffling of feet and the carrying of voices, and everybody was gone. Lily and James stayed behind, to talk over some more Head Boy and Girl business, and when they were done, they found Remus waiting outside with the rude Ravenclaw.

“Peterson here has something to say to you,” Remus explained.

“I’m-sorry-for-asking-such-an-inappropriate-question-it-wasn’t-any-of-my-business-my-curiosity-got-the-better-of-me-it-was-rude-and-I’m-sorry,” she said. Before Lily could even react, say that this wasn’t necessary, something like that, the girl was already done speaking.

“Um, it’s alright,” Lily said, feeling slightly uncertain. The girl – _Helen Peterson. Right?_ – looked at Remus, who nodded, and she scurried off.

“You really didn’t have to do that,” said Lily.

“Yes, I really did,” said Remus.

“Well then,” she said, hugging him quickly. “Thank you.”

“C’mon,” said James, “We’ll walk you to your compartment.”

 

“Well, that was weird,” said Lily as she slipped into the girls’ compartment sometime later.

“What was weird?” asked Mary, looking up from her gobstone game with Marlene.

“I just bumped into Tally,” Lily answered. “And, well, she looked healthy. Like – fine. She was even a bit tan. And she was _chipper_.”

“Why do we care, again?” asked Mary.

Lily shrugged, crouching on the floor next to Marlene. “I guess it was just curious. Who’s winning?”

“I am,” said Marlene.

“Only by a bit!”

“Are they saying anything?” asked Dorcas suddenly. It wasn’t like Dorcas to care what people thought of her. Did she care? Why did she ask if she didn’t?

Lily locked her gaze onto the gobstone game. “I tried not to listen.”

 

Later that night, the Hogwarts Express arrived at Hogsmeade. The first years were gathered by Hagrid and taken by boats to the castle, where they would later be sorted into the different houses.

Dorcas secretly wished she could join them, because the horseless carriages were surrounded with _people_ , all of whom knew now that she was decidedly not heterosexual. And she just _knew_ that they were all talking about her, and she just _knew_ that she wasn’t being painted in a positive light.

And this was the _seventies_. _You’d think people would be more progressive_ , she thought to herself bitterly. _But people have always been and will always be complete and utter horse shit_.

So _what_ if she was a lesbian. So what if she’d basically used Cam. She finished it. She didn’t feel guilty.

_No_ , she thought. _I don’t feel guilty at all_.

And the fact that she could feel Marlene’s warmth seep through the fabric, their arms touching in the carriage, had absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

Being back at school meant several things, but by far the worst of the lot was answering the dreaded _‘How was your summer vacation?’_ question several times an hour. This, mostly because Lily didn’t really know how to answer it. Should she mention the several murders of Muggleborns she heard about over the summer? And which was worse, the engagement party or the end-of-summer party? Does she mention how little clue she had about one of her best friends being gay? Do they want to hear about her feelings and how muddled up they’ve been?

Point is, nobody who ever asks _‘How was your summer vacation?’_ ever really wants to hear the truth. They want to hear that the sun was shining and be done with it. So instead of screaming _‘I’M TERRIFIED’_ at any and all passersby, she smiles politely and says: “Very good, what about you?”

By the time dinner was done, Lily was exhausted. Mindlessly, she climbed the stairs, mostly not concentrating on where she was going. It was only when she reached the Fat Lady’s portrait that she stopped to think for the first time since arriving at Hogwarts, and honestly, she was stumped. Despite the fact that she had been the one to pass the password around, she couldn’t for the life of her remember it at the moment.

“Lily? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Remus, I’m uh – I’m fine. I’m just a little tired is all. D’you mind?”

Remus, who was walking towards her slowly, for once alone, seemed to realize that she was asking for the password. He opted not to say anything about it, obviously, because instead of a tease, the next thing that he said was: “Peppermint Plum.”

The Lady swung open, and Remus and Lily climbed through one after the other. “What a stupid password,” Lily said once they were through. “Seriously.”

Remus didn’t reply, instead looking around, slightly nervously.

“Speaking of,” Lily said, “are you okay? You look almost sick!”

“I haven’t seen Sirius since the train, and he left a book with me,” Remus said, but Lily suspected quite strongly it was a lie. She didn’t push it.

“Oh, well, you can just put it on his bed, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, then,” Lily said, stretching. “All’s well that ends well. _I_ am going to bed.”

“Oh, right, you have private rooms now, don’t you?”

Lily smiled. “Yes. Yes I do.”

So maybe it wasn’t that bad being back after all. That is, she thought as she climbed up to her private room, at least she could lock everyone out.

 

Private dormitories. If there was one incentive for being Head Boy, it was definitely this. Privacy. Quiet. _Privacy_. For an entire _year_.

James was on cloud nine. The Head Boy’s quarters were a time-honored tradition, even if James had never seen very much evidence as to _why_ they exist, and, at least in Gryffindor, appeared at the top of the stairs for each dormitory, depending on the sex of the Head in the house. This year, with the Heads both being Gryffindors, two floors were appeared out of seemingly nowhere in Gryffindor tower.

So yeah, James would miss the rest of the Marauders. But the things they could do with a private room! The things _he_ could do with a private room!

No one could see him unless he wished them to. He could _lock the door_.

He kept thinking of all the possibilities: Sleeping without getting woken up in the morning. Keeping a stash of food that doesn’t mysteriously empty himself. Lying naked on the bed after a shower without worrying about somebody walking in. Not having to worry about accidentally walking in on somebody naked.

And so yeah, James _would_ miss staying up late discussing plans for full moons or pranks, but truth is, they could and can still do everything they did. James would just be able to sleep afterward.

It was sure damn nice being back.

 

-

 

It was the first of September and oddly enough, Alice Prewett wasn’t on the Hogwarts Express. In fact, even though she was studying intensely, she had graduated school with top marks – almost all Os – just a few months ago.

But trying to achieve top marks wasn’t precisely her priority at the moment, even if she did want to get in to the Auror program. In fact, she’d wanted to get into the Auror program since she was about _three_ , yet right now, staring at yet another list of requirements for yet another test, she could not concentrate. At all. She’d stayed up late last night, and not for the reasons most eighteen-year-old girls fresh out of school stayed up late.

“Are you okay?” asked Frank. They were supposed to be studying together, but had lapsed into silence about an hour ago, realizing they were too tired to cooperate.

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling reassuringly. “I’m fine. Just… really, really tired.” She held out her hand, and Frank reached out to take it. She squeezed, hard, and then went back to work.

So. Much. Work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This took a long time to update. But I feel so guilty because I posted another long-term slow-burn fic - in another fandom, no less - during my school's Harry Potter week! So happy Valentine's, and I hope you liked this chapter.  
> Also, I turned 18 last Sunday. What?  
> You're all welcome to talk to me [here](http://illtakeitunderconsideration.tumblr.com/).  
> lots of love,  
> JustGail


	30. Of Breaking the Mold and Flaws in the Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Tally came back from summer looking the polar opposite from the way she was during the year.

 

Chapter 29

_Or_

Of Breaking the Mold and Flaws in the Plan

 

Routine, thank God, can drown out almost everything. Classes, clubs, Quidditch tryouts and prefects’ meetings are like white noise that cover up the true disaster on everybody’s mind. The first full week of September was like that; at the end of it, it’d been more than two weeks since the incident at the ministry, and even though the number of witches and wizards calling him You-Know-Who was increasing, the students at Hogwarts were being numbed by the routine.

For the seventh year students, the pressure was higher than ever. It was only the second weekend, and already Lily and Dorcas were sitting in the former’s private quarters on a Saturday night, debating an Ancient Runes assignment.

“This has to be twelve inches,” Lily complained. “No more, no less. We don’t have _time_ to discuss Perrin’s theorem – “

“Sure we do, look, we can just summarize the translation of the – “

“That’s just stupid, we’re basing our entire case on – “

There was a knock on the door and Lily and Dorcas unanimously raised their heads and simultaneously asked: “Who is it?”

“It’s Mary.”

“Come in,” Lily said, while Dorcas returned her attention to one of the heavy books. Mary walked in, standing about awkwardly, as Dorcas continued as if uninterrupted.

“Look, even Samuels says, if we want to deal with the Sumerian texts, we have to address Perrin’s theorem, and I distinctly remember – “

“Dorcas, this can wait,” Lily said slightly curtly. “What is it, Mary?”

Mary hesitated. “Dorcas, d’you mind if I could have a word just with Lily?”

Dorcas sighed dramatically and looked at Lily. “This is due _Monday_.”

“I’m well aware,” said Lily. “We’ll finish it tomorrow morning, first thing, right after breakfast. Okay?”

Dorcas sighed again. “Great. Fine.” She picked up her things and stalked out.

Once she was gone, Lily pointed to where she’d been only moments ago. “Sit. Talk.” Mary obliged the first command, but didn’t the second. “Mary,” Lily warned.

“It’s Tally,” Mary admitted. “I’ve been, well, paying attention to her.”

Lily startled. “Why? What’s going on?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it’s complicated. Remember – remember that Tally looked so sick all the time last year? And then she came back from the summer all… happy and shite? Well, she’s starting to look sick again. And she’s never around, constantly running about, sleeping an hour a night. It’s only been a week, you know, but she’s pale and – “

“Mary,” Lily said softly.

“I know it’s none of my business anymore, but listen, I really think – “

“Mary, Tally isn’t getting enough sleep because she’s hanging around with all those burnouts from the other houses, remember? Who knows what she’s on. This isn’t healthy for you, especially when considering how horrible she was to you last – “

“I saw her talking to Snape,” Mary said. “And they weren’t exchanging homework assignments.”

“You mean, they were – “ Lily looked grossed out.

“What? No! Ew!”

“Then what?”

“They were talking, but they looked – they looked scheming,” Mary admitted.

“You realize you sound like James Potter, right?”

“You realize I’m really worried, _right_?”

Lily sighed. “What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know,” admitted Mary. “But – maybe you could, using your position, find out something? Ask or snoop, I don’t really care. I’m worried, is all.”

“Okay, Mary,” Lily said, sighing. “I’ll do it.”

 

“I won’t do it,” Remus said.

They were sitting together at lunch on Monday, after Lily had intercepted him on the way there, pulling him aside and preventing him from sitting with the rest of the Marauders. Lily, who was in a good mood over handing in the assignment in Ancient Runes, had had what she thought was a great idea, and turned to Remus for help. Only, he disagreed with her on that last point, that is, he didn’t think it was a good idea at all.

 “Why?” whined Lily. “It’s just a little bit of help. With something that’s slightly off book but is still morally right. That’s exactly your forte.”

“Admittedly, that’s true,” Remus said. “But this isn’t just a little bit of help. You – “ he switched to a whisper – “ _you want me to break into McGonagall’s office and steal some probably very well hidden files_. That’s suicide.”

“Oh, come on,” Lily said nonchalantly.

“Really, it is,” Remus assured her.

“But you’re a _Marauder_ ,” Lily whined yet again. “James would do it.”

“James,” Remus said dryly, “is an idiot, and you know that as well as I do, maybe even better.”

“Sirius would do it too. Hell, even Peter would do it. But I’m on patrol with _you_ this week, so I can cover for you. Come on, _please_?”

“You know those eyes don’t work on me, right? I’ve grown immune.”

“Remus,” Lily said, batting her eyelashes. “Please.”

He looked at her, then looked away. He sighed. “Oh, okay, fine. But only – and I mean only – if you come with. I’m not doing this alone. Also, I’m letting Peter help.”

“Why Peter?” Lily asked awkwardly.

“Believe me,” Remus said. He began gathering his things, as the lunch period was ending. “He’s an expert at getting into tight places.”

 

The plan went, in short, as following:

Peter, in ways he refused to disclose to Lily, would sneak into the office after hours and let Lily and Remus in. Peter would leave and stand watch, leaving the other two to do their business. Conducting a quick search, they would look for any files McGonagall might have on Tally, copy ‘em, and leave. Peter would lock the office from the inside and sneak out, making sure they left no evidence of their visit behind. They would be back on patrol by ten o’clock.

Remus, as was his way, was skeptical. “How are we going to copy them?”

“Believe it or not,” Lily said, “I know some handy spells as well. All we need is some parchment.”

The plan was to be executed Thursday night, which was the night of the shared patrol, and that day all day Lily felt as though she was quite visibly shaking. She was sure they would be caught; the plan was simple, there was no reason they _would_ be caught, but she was certain nonetheless. It was bound to happen, it seemed almost appropriate actually, that one of the only times she would break curfew for a non-selfish purpose (contrasted with the copious amounts of alcohol consumed past year) she would get caught.

And yet, nobody noticed how nervous she was. Nobody saw her shaking, her sweat never seemed to attract attention. It was as if fate was on her side; everybody was too busy to notice anybody else.

As patrol grew closer, she went over the plan yet again. And again. And again. And again. She was ready. She was uber-ready. She would do this, for Mary. Even if it made no sense to her and she wasn’t really sure anything was wrong. By the time patrol actually came along, she was convinced something was going to go awry.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” she admitted to Remus as they walked, all casual, towards McGonagall’s office. “Like something really horrible is about to happen.”

“You do remember that _you_ were the one who convinced _me_ to go along with this, right?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just – “

“We’ve got a foolproof plan,” Remus reminded her. “What could possibly happen?”

Lily stopped dead in place. “You did _not_ just say that. You jinxed it!”

“What? What did I do?” Remus said, stopping as well, a twinge of panic seeping into his voice.

“You asked _what could possibly happen_! Now something horrible _must_ happen! McGonagall’s gonna still be in her office and catch Peter, or Filch will try to give us detention, or – “

“Fine, okay,” Remus said, interrupting her. “You want reassurance? I can promise you, Peter will be able to tell whether someone is even in the same _floor_ as us. Seriously, you can relax.”

Lily still looked skeptical, but began walking again, catching up to Remus. “You know, and I’m not doubting Peter here, but you seem to think that he’s all powerful, and I’ve seen him in class and his strength isn’t really charms – “

“That’s not how he’ll be able to tell,” Remus reassured her. “It’s…” This time, he was the one to stop, and he turned to face Lily. “Okay, you cannot tell anyone about this.”

“What? What is it?” Lily asked.

“Well, the four of us – that is, Peter, Sirius, James and I – we made a map. Of the school. And, well – we’ve used some really complex magic on it – it’s hard to explain – but – “

A door opened down the hall, startling them; they hadn’t noticed they’d reached McGonagall’s office. “What are you doing?” Peter hissed. “Come _in_ already.”

They did, blushing as they did. Peter, who’d been recruited on a need-to-know basis, hadn’t conducted a search of the room, because he didn’t know what he was looking for. He mentioned the wasted five minutes to them, pointing out that if he knew what this was all about he’d been able to help, only to be met with silence. He slipped out after that, ready to keep watch.

Remus and Lily went about the room, searching for any evidence on what was going on with Tally. They had found exactly nothing but a detention slip from the end of last year before Peter came rushing in: “McGonagall’s on her way straight here!”

Hurriedly, they shoved every piece of paper back in its approximate place and ran out. Peter stayed inside, locking the door from in there, as per their plan. Remus and Lily, meanwhile, walked slowly, as if they were still patrolling, as though nothing had been done that was out of order.

Very quickly, they heard footsteps from behind them, and as one, turned around. It was, of course, Professor McGonagall, but it was Professor McGonagall as they’d never seen her; she looked tired and weary, and she was wearing her nightclothes, her hair a mess outside of its usual strict bun.

“Miss Evans,” said McGonagall, “I must insist you come with me immediately.”

Lily and Remus exchanged looks. “Where are we going, Professor?” Lily asked.

“Professor Dumbledore’s office,” Professor McGonagall replied. “I am afraid it is rather urgent. Mr. Lupin, you can return to Gryffindor Tower in the meantime; there is no need for you to continue your patrolling alone.”

“Yes, Professor,” Remus replied politely, exchanging yet another look with Lily before walking away.

 

Lily and Professor McGonagall reached Dumbledore’s office eventually, but to Lily, it felt like forever. Or it felt like no time at all. Lily wasn’t really sure; she didn’t know why she was being summoned to see Dumbledore. Was there something wrong with her as Head Girl? Did somebody find out and tattle about their plan for tonight? If so, why wasn’t Remus summoned along with her, and why wasn’t Peter here?

“Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans,” Professor McGonagall said, and that was, evidently, the current password to Dumbledore’s office, as the gargoyles responded immediately.

Lily hesitated.

“Go on, Miss Evans,” the professor said. She looked profoundly unhappy, as if this was the worst moment of her life. Lily didn’t know what to do, so she went on.

For a moment, as she climbed the steps to Dumbledore’s office, Lily indulged her darkest fears: she was being kicked out of Hogwarts. These past six years were somehow a mistake; Lily wasn’t magical after all.

But it was only a moment.

Dumbledore’s office was as it had always been, full of wonders and magic and little thingamabobs that did things that she didn’t understand. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk; in another chair, was sitting a familiar woman –

“Hi, Lily.”

Lily startled. “Mom!” She ran up to her and hugged her. “What’s going on?”

Her mother looked at Dumbledore for only a moment, and he nodded. “Lily, I have something to tell you, and it’s not going to be easy to hear…”

 

_When Lily was much younger, five or six, she woke up one morning to find her mother packing. “Your father,” she’d told the tiny Lily, “has won tickets for Disneyland.” Her mother was busy, and so she wasn’t going with them, but Tuney and Lily and her father were all packed by the end of the day._

_Lily didn’t really pay attention during the actual traveling, and retained no memory even of the plane; she was too focused on Disneyland, and too uninterested in airports. The hotel she loved; it was, to be honest, the fanciest place she’d ever been. She remembered every bit of it she’d managed to explore with and without Petunia, remember the color of the ceiling and the fake gold shining at the edges of the four-poster, she remembered the men in suits lounging in every corner and women in scandalous bathing suits in hot-tubs the two girls were not allowed inside. It was her mind palace come to life, her adventure._

_They were to stay in the U.S. for three days, and only two of those days were for Disneyland; the middle one had been purposed for laying and playing around the outdoor pools. And they did just that; in fact, Petunia spent so much time in the sun that she was completely covered with sunburns, and couldn’t move the next day._

_For reasons Lily, once again, could not remember, they made the decision not to stay with her, and so the next morning Lily carefully hugged Petunia goodbye before heading to Disneyland with their father. They spent seven hours there, just the two of them, exploring the magical wonderland that was Disneyland, all according to her whims and wants._

_At a certain point, she decided that she wanted ice cream. It must have been late afternoon, but the sun seemed to never go down in California, and even years later, the first thing that came to mind when she thought of the United States was melting ice cream. In any case, her father asked her to stay where she was, promising to be back with the gelato at any moment._

_There must have been a long line, but little Lily didn’t take that into consideration, and when what she perceived as a long time had passed, she went looking for him._

_At least an hour had passed, according to her father, before she’d wandered right back to where she’d begun. There were people looking for her, but apparently nobody’d been able to find her. She never told anyone she’d accidentally found herself floating, and didn’t know how to put herself back down again. It was only when she’d seen the ice cream stand and turned around to find that her father was standing exactly where he said he’d be back for her that she managed to come back down._

_Her father had grounded her. He always had._

 

Lily wasn’t in any of her classes Friday, and stayed missing all weekend. The usual prefects’ meeting Saturday night was handled without the Head Girl, and Dorcas did the Muggle Studies homework with Mary by her side. She was missing from morning classes Monday as well, but showed up to breakfast, as though nothing had happened. In fact, Lily seemed, to the casual observer, to be as animated and carefree as usual.

To the non-casual observer, however, there seemed to be more going on. For example, as Mary noted, Lily wasn’t big on makeup but she did tend to put on mascara in the mornings, and she usually added a bit of color – earrings, or a scarf – to her outfit; she did neither. Remus, on the other hand, noted how expertly Lily avoided talking to any of her friends for long all of the day; she paid close attention in class, surrounded herself with casual acquaintances during lunch, went missing during breaks and was nowhere to be found all evening. Marlene meanwhile commented on her dryness, how she seemed to be faking all of her interactions; Dorcas agreed. James, Peter and Sirius checked the Map and found that, at least in the evening, she was hiding in her room.

And so it was that all of the aforementioned were standing outside Lily’s private room at the top of the stairs to the girls’ dormitory shortly before midnight. They had squabbled about this for a while beforehand, and even now that they were stood there, nobody reached out and knocked. All of them looked at each other once more; Mary caught Peter’s eye, and motioned for him to do the honors. He did just that, but the knocking itself was feeble and almost unheard; he paused for a second, then knocked again.

“ _Come in_ ,” said Lily, in an almost unrecognizably high-pitched voice.

The door opened, and the group spilled in like a tidal wave. The room seemed quite large, by Hogwarts’ standards, but this was probably just a trick of the senses, as the room was equal to any other dormitory; it was simply emptier. There was only one bed, though it, also, seemed to be bigger than the average four-poster bed given to the rest of the Gryffindors, a nightstand, a bookcase with a double-seater sofa, and a single (significantly larger than standard) desk. The floor was covered completely by a soft, light orange carpet, and the walls were painted a deep scarlet. There was an additional door on the opposite end of the room, presumably leading to the bathroom.

“Hi,” Lily said, not looking up from the book spread in front of her.

“Hi,” the group said in unison.

James stepped forward. “Lily – “

“I know you guys wonder why I’ve been gone,” she said, eyes still fixed on her book. “I’m going to tell you. You guys might want to sit down.” For the first time, she looked at the group, but seemed as though she wasn’t looking at them. She waved her wand, and seven chairs appeared, all facing the bed. They all sat down wordlessly.

“To those of you keeping up,” she began, grabbing a bookmark from the nightstand, “my dad was on some sort of company retreat all summer. Only he wasn’t.

“As I’m sure Remus has told you by now, McGonagall came to grab me from our patrol on Thursday night.” She looked at him, and he nodded slowly, almost shamefully. “My mom was at the school that night. She came – she came to tell me that my Dad had cancer, and that he wasn’t going to last the night.”

“Shit fuck,” muttered Dorcas.

Lily continued as though she was not interrupted. “The doctors were wrong; he lived through the night. But he wasn’t getting better, and he died very early Saturday morning, just before sunrise. After the funeral – after the funeral – after, my mother told me I shouldn’t miss school. She sent me back here. So. Here I am.”

“Oh, Lily, I’m so sorry,” said Marlene, reaching for her –

“I’m okay,” Lily said, smiling. She looked washed out, pale, the bags under her eyes more prominent than ever. Even her red hair seemed faded, like a shirt that’s passed through the washing machine too many times. “Really, I’m fine. I’ve been better, of course, but I – I’m here. I’m fine. I just wanted you guys to know, so you wouldn’t worry about me.”

Mary was outraged at that. “Of course we worry about you!”

“So you wouldn’t think that something had happened to me, is what I meant,” Lily amended. She rubbed her eyes. “I’m tired. I’d like to go to sleep now.”

The group all protested at once, but Lily waved her wand and the chairs disappeared from under them; they grew quiet at once.

“Get. Out.”

Slowly, they all shuffled out of the room. Lily crashed on the bed, glad to have them gone – or at least so she thought; the door had closed, but a small cough alerted her to the existence of Peter Pettigrew in her own, private rooms, after she’d ordered everyone _out_.

“What?” she asked, irritably, leaning on her forearms.

“It’s just – “ he said. “It’s just you’re not the only one who’s lost a parent.”

She blanked. _Oh_.

“So – I mean, I would understand if you didn’t, but I lost my dad too, so if you wanted someone to talk to – “ he shrugged. “I’m here. And I’m a good listener.”

Lily nodded. “Thanks, Peter,” she said softly.

“I’ll get out of your hair now,” Peter said, walking swiftly to the door. He opened it, then held it open, hesitating. “Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?”

She shrugged. “Go ahead.”

“I think you need to remember how much people love you,” he said. “Because if you abandon them, eventually they’ll give up on you. I don’t think that you’re going to – it’s just – it’s easy to stay angry or empty a really long time after… something like this. But you should remember that what you’re really feeling is sad. Okay?”

She nodded.

He closed the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so... I'm back.
> 
> Q: What's taken you so long?
> 
> A: My computer broke. TWICE. (The N button is still giving me grief.) Also, I've had other things on my mind. So what if it's been two years since I started this. I have an idea for a story about a lesbian, and it's original fiction (!) (sorta). Also, school! Also, what the hell am I doing next year? Even I don't know yet. (Also I've updated my TRC fic like twice shhhhhh)
> 
> Q: WHY MUST YOU HURT ME SO?
> 
> A: I'm debating between shrugging and laughing evilly.
> 
> Q: So... what comes next?
> 
> A: Most of the next few chapters are REALLY short. Like, Of Friends Who Need to Eat short. I'm not sorry for any heartache that will result of only having a few bits of my amazing writing, but I am working on like a million things and like, graduating this year. Which is... sort of a Big Deal.
> 
> Listen guys. LISTEN. The next few chapter alternate between Plot Development and Character Development. I'm sorry, but things must happen and they will hurt and you will hate me but. IT'S IMPORTANT. This is Jily. But you need to remember that these characters are, in fact, total idiots, so they must go through more suffering.
> 
> Soorynotsorry.
> 
> Have a great Passover, you guys (or if you celebrated Easter, I hope the chocolate was tasty),
> 
> JustGail
> 
> (PS, as always, you're welcome to talk to me on my writing blog illtakeitunderconsideration)


	31. Of Invitations and Revisiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Alice and Frank (who, if you somehow missed it, are a couple) were approached by McGonagall just before boarding the Hogwarts Express for the last time. From her, they each received a letter with the mysterious title “Order of the Phoenix”.

 

Chapter 30

_Or_

Of Invitations and Revisiting

 

There was a surprising amount of nice, Wizard-friendly restaurants in London, if you knew where to look. And Alice knew where to look, even if Frank wasn’t sure how; they were both purebloods, and Frank at least had never felt the need to look for restaurants such as this outside Diagon Alley. Alice must have not agreed with him, and to be fair, this was a _very_ nice restaurant; the atmosphere was cool, with a red and gold color scheme. The tables had small candles in glass bowls on them, bathing the entire space in a soft light supported by the mood lighting.

It was very romantic. It ought to have been; this was their four year anniversary that they were celebrating.

He had to keep his hands away from his left pocket, constantly fidgeting.

“You like it?” Alice asked.

He grinned. “I love it.”

They weren’t the only people in the restaurant, but it was surprisingly empty nonetheless. Perhaps it was that intangible quality it had to it, the mystery, the fact that it both did and didn’t look expensive, that pushed people away. Perhaps it was just a slow night. In any case, Frank was grateful.

Alice was beautiful. She had cut her blonde locks short when they entered the Auror program, but Frank didn’t mind; now he could see her face more clearly. She was wearing a beautiful, flower-pattern dress, knee-high and impossibly flattering. It was always possible, of course, that she’d altered the dress for that express purpose; she was good at transfiguration.

Frank felt like nothing next to her. He felt alive. He felt on fire.

This was nothing new. He had reacted to Alice that way since he could remember.

“Shall we?” Alice said, a smile tugging at the edge of her lips.

“Of course,” Frank said, letting her lead him to a relatively secluded corner table. The candle flickered as they sat down, but didn’t blow out.

The conversation flowed, the food was, as Alice had said, “Eggcellent”, and by the time they got to dessert, Frank was barely containing his excitement. He kept reaching for his left pocket, again and again, only just stopping just in time. He wanted to wait until after dessert. He wanted to end – he wanted to _begin_ – with a sweet taste on her tongue.

“So,” he began. “What do you want for dessert?”

“Well,” she said, “I was thinking of something special – “

“Oh?”

“Yes, well, you see, it is our _fourth anniversary_ , and I was thinking about _us_ – “

“Excuse me, Mister, Madame,” said a waiter, rudely butting in. His stupid handlebar mustache jumped up and down along with his stupid, puffy lips. Couldn’t he tell that he was interrupting something important?

“What is it?” sighed Frank, barely containing his rage.

“A man just came by, and he gave me this to give to you,” the waiter said. “Insisted that it was important, and vital that the two of you got it right now.”

He was holding an envelope. Frank recognized it immediately, and one look at Alice confirmed that she did too.

“Well?” Frank said. “Give it here.”

When the waiter was gone – finally – Alice opened the envelope with its familiar green scrawl, and read the contents. She wordlessly passed it to him, and began gathering her things.

He sighed again, and pawed at the ring case in his pocket. _Soon_ , he promised wordlessly.

 

The forest was uncannily quiet in the cool night air, which seemed almost unreasonable. Benjy was never an adventurer, though he wouldn’t quite call himself a coward. Perhaps he was, however; the eerie darkness was overbearing, almost, and he couldn’t wait to –

What was that noise?

He stopped, and listened. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was just his imagination –

No, there it was again. He shifted his weight from leg to leg nervously, his hand creeping towards his wand.

When you are invited to a super-secret meeting you tend to get paranoid. Benjy didn’t think that he was exaggerating when he turned around right then and there and held his wand up, aiming straight forward. There was nobody there.

The note he received was simple: there was a place on it, and there was a time. But Benjy had been approached on the last day of school. Benjy had been friends with Lily Evans all year, and he knew what was going on in the Wizarding world. Benjy may have been a Hufflepuff, but he was not stupid. He could do simple math, and he knew what two plus two equaled, and all those other metaphors for getting the gist of something that was pretty obvious but not stated outright. He was being invited to join the war, and he knew this was dangerous, and perhaps the danger had already started.

The rustling sound happened again, and from the same direction. Slowly, he took a single step in the direction, being careful not to step on any dry leaves, which, though not abundant, could already be found lying on the forest floor. It felt too early in the year for so many trees to have shed their leaves; perhaps winter was coming early.

In the darkness, he couldn’t see a thing; it wasn’t long after the new moon. He debated _lumos_ before realizing that it would be a beacon straight to him if there actually were anyone out there, looking for him, perhaps meaning harm.

There it was again, that sound of steps on dry leaves. There must have been more than one person, based on the frequency of the steps, and these people weren’t particularly good at hiding themselves. Perhaps they weren’t looking for him at all?

At this point Benjy realized the footsteps were getting farther away. Carefully, he walked in their direction –

Oh.

“Alice! Frank!” Benjy said in a stage whisper. The two, easily identifiable as he’d known them for seven years and even hung out with them over the past few thanks to more overlap between their social circles and schedules, were startled and raised their wands at him, only to lower them when noticing who it was.

Alice grinned and ran straight at him, hugging him tightly. Benjy didn’t really think they were in the hugging stage of their friendship, what with only speaking occasionally over the past few years, but hugged her back nonetheless. She pulled back as Frank caught up, and Benjy noticed that they were both dressed in simple but fancy clothing, as though they’d dressed up. _Should I have dressed up, too?_

“Are you here for the Order too, mate?” Frank asked. Benjy wondered for a second if they would hug, too.

They didn’t.

“Yeah, McGonagall contacted me on the last day of school,” he replied, almost too late. “You guys have any idea what this actually is?”

“Not any more than you do,” Alice said. “But c’mon, we’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on.”

She was right, and so the three of them marched on through the woods before finally reaching the edge of it; that is, where they were told to show up. Five minutes ago.

“D’you think we’re too late?” Alice whispered worriedly.

“Ah, you’re finally here,” said a gruff voice from behind them. They all spun around immediately. What appeared before them was somewhat horrifying: the man was not tall, but not short, though he seemed to lack a leg, with a wooden replacement where the extremity should have been. He was dressed in Auror garb, which didn’t seem wise, and his hair was stringy and loose, as though he hadn’t bothered to wash it for a while. Worst of all were his eyes; that is, one of them was perfectly normal, small and brown. The other was not. It was a bright, striking sort of blue, and was too large for his face. It _moved_ , as well, not in the way eyes moved usually, but in all 360 degrees, even back into its own socket.

“Well, what’re you waiting for? Move, move,” sighed the crazy-looking man, as he slowly turned and limped back into the forest. As they entered the Forbidden Forest once again, Benjy couldn’t help but send a wistful look at Hogwarts castle, wishing he were in there with the rest instead of out here, dealing with things that were, to be honest, terrifying.

 _I guess that’s the price of war,_ he thought, and marched on.

 

The man’s name was Alastor Moody, and he was an Auror and a personal friend of Dumbledore’s. Benjy was honestly not surprised by the fact that Alastor would be a friend of Dumbledore’s, and yet, it didn’t seem likely that friendly, elderly Dumbledore would be friends with Alastor in return. Alastor was, at least as far as Benjy could tell from his brief but blunt introduction, was somewhat eccentric, similarly to Dumbledore; however, he didn’t seem to have that friendly twinkle in his eyes that Dumbledore had. Dumbledore, also, had both of his original eyes, as far as Benjy knew. And both his legs.

(He probably shouldn’t think of him as Alastor, as the man had introduced himself in the James Bond-eque turn of phrase “Moody, Alastor Moody” and did not seem to be a very approachable sort of person; but Benjy, though a Hufflepuff, was a creature of spite, and enjoyed the private laugh of calling him Alastor, at least in his mind.)

They’d been walking for about ten minutes when Moody stopped and ordered them to do the same. He searched them for a moment – or at least, Benjy assumed that was what the blue eye was doing – before telling them to go on themselves. As they did so, he turned to Alice and Frank to express his confusion over the encounter, only to have them start gushing over finally meeting “Mad-Eye Moody”. Frank especially, apparently, was awe struck.

“I cannot believe we just met the actual Mad-Eye. This is insane. I cannot believe this. You think he’s actually part of the Order? Oh, he must be, that would explain so much, that is, not very much, but Dumbledore has to get his information from somewhere – “

“Oh, would you please shut up? I think I see someone.”

“Benjy!” said Alice, sounding extremely insulted on behalf of her beau.

“Look!” Benjy said, pointing at a minor clearing in which, in fact, two figures could be seen. They moved closer, only to notice that they were minor tree trunks, covered in cloaks.

That’s when the attack started.

 

-

 

It was warm near the fireplace on this cold evening, but Lily didn’t look to be getting very warm. Her expression was vacant, unsatisfied, and her entire body language – all bunched up with a blanket around her – screamed how freezing she must have been. James had approached her earlier with a cup of tea, courtesy of Remus, and she was still blowing on it, having not taken a single sip of it since it had been delivered.

James wished he could do something. He didn’t know what he could do.

So he brought her food.

In his defense, she’d barely eaten anything all week; she hadn’t so much as touched a single thing at any meal today at _all_ , and James was unclear as to how she hadn’t died already. (James seemed to constantly be hungry, at all times, no matter the situation. He used to joke that he’d probably overeat at a funeral, but then Pete’s dad had died, and it didn’t seem appropriate anymore. It definitely didn’t feel appropriate now.)

“Hey, Evans?” he asked tentatively as he approached her again, this time holding a platter of cakes and cookies and other baked goods. “I got this from the kitchen for you. It’s – well, you can see what it is. You haven’t eaten all day.”

At first, Lily barely even moved, her gaze fixed on the fire. She didn’t seem to have heard him, but then she looked up at him and smiled weakly. “Thanks, James,” she said. He put it down on a small table and crouched beside her. “Really, thank you. But I’m just not hungry.”

“You need to eat,” James insisted, handing her a piece of apple pie. “C’mon, I know for a fact you love apple pie. Just – take a bite.”

She took the plate and looked at him. Then she stood up, took her tea, and began walking away.

“I think I’m going to go to bed,” she said without looking at him. “Good night, James.”

“Good night, Lily.”

The platter of cake now open for grabs, he picked it up and brought it over to a pack of sixth years. Putting on his brightest smile, he offered it to them; a couple of girls whose names James couldn’t remembered grabbed it first.

“Hey, James Potter,” said one, giggling. She was pretty, with ringlets of dark hair cascading around her like a bizarre halo. “It’s funny you should come here, because Lanette was wondering – “

“I really should go,” James interrupted, before the dark haired girl could get the chance to finish that sentence. “Enjoy the sugar!”

And despite the girls’ clear disappointment, James walked away, breathing slightly easier.

He probably wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, but at least he thought he’d gotten Lily to eat. And that was… some sort of accomplishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back. My n button is still broken BUT the reasons I've been gone actually have nothing to do with my computer's various shortcomings. The most important reason is that I decided to merge two chapters and had to write up another one before I publish; that's good news for you, because more content per chapter, but bad for me, because I was having a bit of a writing block. The reason for that, however, is simple: I graduated. That's right. I started this when I was 16 and a Freshmen and I have now graduated. So yeah, it's not as good of a reason as the first but I think that with all the exams and procrastination-sleeping before said exams, it's pretty understandable that I didn't really have time to think of anything but graduating.  
> The bad news is that we're beginning to see the end here. I suspect that this fic will close around chapter 40, maybe even sooner, having just progressed the plot by a bunch; all of these various plots will come together, though I'll probably leave a few hanging, if I'm honest. I want to start working on a project I've nicknamed "fairytale" (Of Three Times is still called "prompt" on my computer) and it's not a fanfic, but I feel like I have no mental energy to work on it until I finish this. This means that several plotlines I meant to introduce for Remus, Benjy and, most importantly, Peter, are going to get cut; notice, also, that I've edited the fic so it now says that Marlene/Dorcas are a main ship, because let's be honest, they've somehow become really important to the plot and, more importantly, me. I might do one shots, or extra chapters, once I'm done, just to talk about their side stories that will not fit in the final chapters; there's also an epilogue planned, so maybe I'll just fit them into their instead.  
> Please give kudos and comments, you guys. I know that it's sort of pathetic to ask but it really, really helps with motivation and just with my mood. In return, I'll try and write as many chapters as I can before entering the work force.  
> JustGail


	32. Of a Heart to Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Tally has been going on mysterious walks. Remus used to date a Muggle named Natalie.

 Chapter 31

_Or_

Of a Heart to Heart

 

It was far too late at night to be out and about, but under the Cloak, they felt invincible.

This was often true, especially when it was all four of them, discovering every secret this place had ever held, the magic of it never fading even as they realized there was nothing left to discover. They wrote it all down, you see; every little bit of it was right there, on this piece of paper now held between the two of them, the culmination of years of exploring and laughing and _being_ and it was right there, between them, and they felt invincible.

Tally’s dot on the map was two hallways ahead of them, which was on purpose. The Invisibility Cloak had been borrowed from James’ trunk, as the man himself was busy making sure Lily survived her grief. Sirius himself had gone to get it, sneaking around in the dorm where Peter was already fast asleep. He’d been gone only a moment, but Remus had already found Tally’s whereabouts when he’d rejoined him. Now, they were discovering. Now, they were invincible. Now, they would finally discover the latest secret this castle held.

It was going to be a long night. Tally had stopped several times already for the express purpose of looking for any people who might be following her, and so the two who were, in fact, following her, had hung back. She was exiting the castle through a secret tunnel that Filch knew about; there was not much point in following her that way, so instead they chose their own path. She was heading for the Forbidden Forest, it seemed, and Sirius and Remus followed her. But by the time they had reached the forest’s edge, Tally was already heading back; it seemed as though whatever she’d been doing was already done, which was odd indeed.

They followed Tally all the way back to Gryffindor tower, but didn’t enter it with her. When the Fat Lady portrait closed over the passageway, Remus pulled the Cloak off of both of them and stared ahead for a moment.

Then Sirius said what they were both thinking: “What the fuck was that?”

 

“Was she just going out for a walk? Was she doing something nefarious and evil every night but tonight? Does she have a thing for peeing in the woods and doesn’t want anyone to know?”

Sirius had been going on like this for a while. The two of them, Sirius and Remus, didn’t feel like going back to their dorm after running around – they were both still pretty energized – so they decided to keep walking around the school till they got tired.

“Is she just a decoy? Did she somehow know she was being followed and she just laid us astray? Did she – “

“Sirius,” Remus said, “do me a favor and _shut the fuck up_.”

The silence was eerie, but at least it was there. Perhaps Sirius was shocked into silence; perhaps he simply actually cared about the well-being of his friend. In any case, he shut up and kept walking.

It must have been almost two am when they finally headed back for Gryffindor tower.

“You know,” Remus said, thinking of Lily, among other things, “this has not been the best year.”

“No, it hasn’t,” Sirius admitted, scratching the back of his head. He was making a face, and Remus had to stop himself from laughing. “Between relationship drama and all the racism, I can’t wait for 1978 to roll around.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Remus said solemnly. His feet were weary; where were they in the castle, anyway? Were they lost?

“Do you know where we are?” asked Sirius, echoing Remus’ thoughts.

“Not a clue.”

To their left, there was a door, and on a whim, they opened it. Inside, there was a sitting room, with a fireplace already burning.

“Do you remember ever finding this place?” asked Remus. He was so tired. The world outside was just getting cold, and so the fireplace was _just_ perfect. He wanted to melt into one of the chairs; but if the fire was burning, that meant that there was somebody coming back for it.

He was about to say something, but it was too late; Sirius was already sitting on a large sofa, red and plush. Remus joined him, sinking into a pink armchair right next to him. It was so soft, and he just wanted to fall asleep…

“I wonder who set up this fire,” Sirius said, once again mimicking Remus’ thoughts exactly. “But it’s so nice here. They probably won’t mind us being here, right?”

“I don’t fucking know, Sirius,” he said. “I don’t fucking know.”

“That’s odd,” Sirius muttered. “Usually you know everything.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

For a moment, the fire crackling was the only sound to be heard in the room.

“It’s just that _normal_ people,” Sirius admitted, “people who work hard and all the time – they can’t seem to get on your level. But you – you’re a fuggin’ werewolf, mate. You’re a fuckin’ werewolf and you’re still top-of-the-class, get all the attention – “

“I’m not _doing_ it for the attention, Sirius,” Remus snapped. “Maybe that’s why I do so well.”

“Bullcrap,” Sirius said. “You’re forgetting that I fuckin’ _know_ you. You love when people notice you. You’re so used to the thought of nobody paying attention to you, that you never seem to be able to imagine that there’s something worth looking at.”

Remus only managed a feeble: “Shut up,” and surprisingly enough, Sirius did. Twice in one night. That was impressive.

The firelight was casting shadows on Sirius’ handsome features, playing with the scars and lines left there from pranks and other unsavory things. Remus remembered them fondly, the weeks spent planning and the execution alike.

“We don’t really… do a lot of marauding anymore, do we? I mean, obviously not marauding specifically – “ that was a bit unpleasant, wasn’t it? – “but more like… pranks and goofing around.”

“We go out with you every month,” Sirius pointed out. He wasn’t looking at Remus.

Remus nodded anyway. “Yes, you do. But… that isn’t why we’re called the Marauders. That’s not why we made the Map or stole James’ dad’s Cloak. That’s not why – “

“Remus, what is this about?”

He thought about it for a moment then said, “We’re in our last year. I want to spend it with my friends.”

 _This_ made Sirius look at him, and his eyes were fire. “Remus…”

“What?”

“You know we’re not going to abandon you after Hogwarts, right?”

“People drift apart when they leave school all the time.”

“Not us,” Sirius said. He looked away, once again staring at the fire, unblinking, as though trying to blind himself. “Not. Us. Do you understand me? We’re not just any group of friends. We’re the _Marauders_. We made the Map and stole the Cloak and all become beasts once a month. We prank and fool around and laugh at James’ bad jokes and we get good grades just because we can. We’re going to be _legends_ , mate, _legends_ , and you think that we’re going to just… drift apart after school ends?”

Remus could feel his face warm at that. _Shit_. “Okay, yeah. But – it’s not like the real world is the same as here. I’m still a – a werewolf, I just don’t have – all the safety nets.”

“Nobody has safety nets once they leave school,” Sirius said. “That’s what makes real life so scary.”

 

Remus wasn’t sure what time it was when he startled awake, but the fire was still burning with the same intensity it had been burning before. The flames were almost hypnotic, vaguely reminding Remus of a book he couldn’t quite remember reading. Perhaps he’d read it early in his childhood.

“You’re awake,” Sirius said, his voice low and tired. Remus looked at him through droopy eyes, his hard lines and soft eyes matching him in tiredness. He thought of Natalie, of her soft features and steel eyes. He couldn’t remember what it was he’d liked about her anymore. “We should probably go.”

“How long have I been asleep?” He yawned, stretching.

“About two hours,” Sirius said. “I think. It was hard to keep track of time.”

Two hours of nothing. Remus couldn’t even remember dreaming.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“What did you think of Natalie?”

Sirius hesitated. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. I just… you met her. What did you think?”

“She was… shy. But strong. And – well. The only one you’ve ever been interested in, so I guess she must have been special.”

“She must have been,” Remus agreed. Until she wasn’t. “Why do you never date?”

Sirius shrugged. “I’ve never been the type, I guess. I don’t – I mean, I see the appeal. But I also don’t. I’ve never wanted anything more than a good snog. I’ve never seen someone and gone: Oh yes, that person is just it for me, I want to do terrible, terrible things to them. I’ve always just been… me.”

“Wait, so – are you a virgin?” Remus asked, caught off-guard by the honesty.

“Yeah. What, don’t you think you would have known?” Sirius grinned. “I tell you guys everything.”

Remus shook his head. “You’ve been on so many dates, I just assumed.”

“Well, you were wrong,” Sirius said. “I’ve never even wanted to.”

 

Eventually, they felt as though they had the energy to walk all the way back to Gryffindor tower. By the time they got back to the dorm, all but James were asleep.

“Where were you guys?” he asked, looking much more awake – and worried – than they did.

Sirius shrugged. “Nowhere important. What’s got you up so late?” Sirius and Remus sat down on Sirius’ bed, and Sirius crashed down, closing his eyes.

For a moment, James looked torn. But then he looked straight into Remus’ eyes and said: “Lily tried to kiss me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, readers.  
> Where the hell have I been, huh? Last time I posted, I was sure I was going to finish this fic over the summer. And now... well, it's almost 2017. Only a few hours to go, even. I swear, I was so sure I was going to write a ton during the summer.  
> Then the writer's block hit me like a piano falling from the sky. I've written very sporadically over the past six months - mostly poetry, one fic for a gift exchange, a couple of words here and there both in this fic and my personal projects. But I've hit a rut, and honestly, I'm still not out of it. On the other hand, I've adopted a cat and I've called her Buffy, so things are looking up.  
> I don't know when the next chapter is coming, but in case you were wondering, yes, I still want reviews. They're the only thing that keeps me writing.
> 
> Lots of love and happy new year,
> 
> JustGail


	33. Not official chapter - just status update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not plot related - feel free to ignore.  
> TL;DR: there's more content coming, I just don't know when.

Hi, readers.

I just wanted to let y'all know I'm alive.

It's been a hard year. Leaving high school with no aim, direction, or really any idea what's next, it's been hard.

My depression hasn't waned, and my current meds seem to not be working. I haven't found a new psychologist that I like. I'm working, but more money is leaving my account than is coming in. In light of all of this, my creative juices - gross term, by the way - dried out months ago. It's like trying to start a car: I have no idea how to do it, sometimes somebody else does it, and all I can really do is sit in the passenger seat.

Oh, and, my attempts at passing the theory section of the drivers' licence have failed miserably.

I'm trying, I really am, to finish this story like I said I would last summer. But I haven't even opened word on my PC in months, unless I was working on my resume.

I've been working on self improvement. This includes: eating healthier, cleaning out my closet, cutting my hair, meeting with friends more often. But it's not perfect: My apartment is always a mess, and I can never seem to get it clean. My anxiety is through the roof. I haven't seen my psychiatrist in months, and our latest appointment got cancelled on account of her being sick. It's a little much sometimes.

But I do promise you this:

I still love James and Lily and they're very much in love. I still love James/Lily/Sirius as a brotp. I have really gotten into podcasts lately, and they've been getting my "creative juices" (gross) flowing. New content will come - I just don't know when.

In the meantime - all of you are more than welcome to come visit me at my tumblrs: books-tv-swiftie (general fandom) and queerastronauts (podcasts and book blogging). I am probably closing down my creative tumblr, it's just too many blogs.

I love y'all. Thanks for following, commenting, and giving kudos during my absence.

JustGail


	34. Of Back to the Fifth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: Lily’s father died and James has been comforting her.

Chapter 32

_Or_

Of Back to the Fifth

 

Death is meaningless.

In dramas, people like to try and prove that it isn’t. They act on somebody’s behalf after they died, to prove there was some worth and that it wasn’t pointless.

Lily knew now: death is meaningless.

The first thing she did after her dad died was sleep. When she woke up, she went to the funeral, and afterwards, she went back to sleep. The next time she woke, she went to school.

The second thing she did after her dad died was eat. When she finished gorging herself, she ran to the beautiful bathroom connected to her beautiful private dorm and she threw it all up. For the next week, she barely touched food.

The third thing she did after her dad died was go back to class. She was like a machine, unsure in her role but doing what she was told anyway.

During this entire time, she hadn’t ever, not once, sat down and thought. And so, when it was two weeks later and she was sick to death of _doing_ , she relaxed on her bed, opened her diary and waited for the words to come. But -

There were _no_ _words_ to explain what it felt like to love somebody and lose them. There were no words for the constant ache she knew would never go away. There were no words – there were no words, and she knew, just then, that death was meaningless.

She closed her diary and went to sleep, but it wasn’t long before James came knocking.

“Come in,” she called, and he did. He was holding something in his hands, probably food from dinner. He tried so hard the past few days to get her to eat more than a few bites. She was no fool, she could tell she’d lost more weight than was healthy, but every time so far she’d listened to James’ pleas and ate more than a couple bites it had all come back right up again. He didn’t have to wait for her to say anything; he put whatever he’d picked for her on her desk, and turned to leave.

“No,” she said quietly.

If death is meaningless, so is life.

James blinked, but didn’t move.

“You can come sit next to me, if you want,” she said. She hadn’t let him do that so far, trying to get away from people, not closer (maybe that’s why she’d been so cold recently, all of the time, constantly).

He did. “Is – “ He choked on his own words, realizing, most likely, that what he was going to ask had a pretty obvious answer. He looked away, and started again: “What’s going on?”

Lily suddenly found one of her curls extremely fascinating. “I just,” she muttered. She shook her head. “I don’t even know. I miss you, I guess.”

“Me? Specifically? I’m here all the time.” James laughed nervously, running his fingers through his hair.

“But I’m not.”

James looked shocked, but Lily shrugged. “It’s true, you know it is. I haven’t been acting like myself. I’ve been… trying, but it’s hard to reconnect. I don’t know who –“ She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do right now.”

“You’re trying to heal,” James said. He looked awkward, unsure. “Nobody’s blaming you. I mean – I know people miss you, too. But they’re not sure how to act. Sirius has been going crazy.” In response to that, Lily smiled, and James matched it with a grin of his own. “I’m sure Marlene and Dorcas and Mary are the same. Peter keeps insisting that we shouldn’t do anything, but I – “ His smile changed, became shier, and he bowed his head, playing with a loose thread at the edge of his robes. “I can’t really stand still. Especially not when I see someone I – when I see a friend feeling so much despair.”

If death is meaningless, so is life.

“I get it.” Lily reached for his hand, but he withdrew, not just from her but from the bed as well. “Thank – “

“I’m sorry,” he said, ruffling his hair even further, and began pacing. “I keep thinking on what I would do if I were in your position. My parents are really, really old, you know.”

“I – James, I think – I mean, is anything wrong with them?”

“No, no.” He forced a laugh, stopped pacing, and looked back at her, his eyes full of something she couldn’t quite analyze. “Look at me, ranting about myself when I’m trying to comfort you. I’m doing this all wrong.”

Lily patted the space next to her on the bed, and hesitantly, he joined her. She, also hesitating, eventually reached out, and when she saw she was met with no resistance, pulled him close to her. He rested his head on her shoulder, and she whispered: “It’s not okay. Nothing’s okay. I am not happy.” He tried to pull away, but she held on tighter. “I need to say this: I am not okay. But that doesn’t mean I won’t get better. It’s just an assessment of right now. Life moves on. Life moves on, and death is meaningless.”

At this, he did pull away. “Wait, what?”

“This is it,” she said, reaching for his hand. This time, he did not resist, and she cupped it, holding it as though it were precious – the most precious thing in the world. “This is all we have. Later, we’ll all be gone, so right now, there’s no point to do anything but we still do and that – it’s all so pointless. But I don’t care, see? I don’t care.” She moved her other palm to his cheek, and he leaned in just the tiniest bit, his eyes fluttering shut. “I don’t care,” she whispered, leaning in.

If death is meaningless, so is life.

She could feel his breath, warm on her upper lip; she could hear him inhale sharply, suddenly; she could tell how his heartbeat quickened at her touch. It was intoxicating, it was right, it was time –

He pulled away, and took with him all the heat in the room. “What are you _doing_?” he cried, stumbling as he made his way off the bed. “What is _wrong_ with you?”

Lily was stunned. “I just – I thought –“

“You were _not_ thinking just then,” he said, seething, already so far away from her, already at the door. “Because if you were, then you were _playing with me_ , and I cannot accept that.”

“I – “ she tried, but there were no words.

James, having reached the door, breathed heavily, and brushed his robed, maybe attempting to look more presentable. “Good night, Evans,” he said, and he wasn’t looking at her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, but he was already out the door.

 

It was a strange couple of weeks, after that. On the one hand, everything seemed to return to normal: Lily came out of her room and went about her day to day, talking to her friends again, getting caught up on her Head Girl duties. Within fourteen days, the Marauders pulled three different pranks: moving all the chairs in every classroom on the second floor to one single unused dungeon; filling the armor in the Great Hall with owl food, so they did not leave after delivering the morning mail and instead slowly filled the room; and last but not least, somehow caused every single pair of glasses to disappear for six hours including James’ very own, nowhere to be found in the entire school, so that a portion of the students and teachers were going about their day to day lives effectively blind.

But on the other hand, between all the laughter and juvenile discomfort, came the odd realization that there _was_ something different. It was normal, sure – but the normalcy the seventh year Gryffindors had returned to was an old one, that hadn’t existed for over a year. It was the normalcy of two groups: the boys and the girls, two groups surrounding each other, coexisting, but never overlapping.

It was a powder keg; this way of living was no longer normal for the groups. They were used to intermingling, they were used to squabbling and discussing and just being one, one group, one Gryffindor year. Suddenly, they discovered how fragile it could be; how much it depended on their effort and willingness to talk and be together; how easy it was to not do any of those things, the squabbling and discussing and just being.

It was odd, to see Lily and Sirius, formerly best friends, sitting at opposite ends of the table; it was odd, to see Lily talk at class, with no visible reaction from James; it was odd, to see the lack of communication between all of them, the way they’d been so easy and now –

The worst part, of course, was that the rumor mill had _no idea why this was happening_.

Oh, they were theories galore, of course, but it was increasingly clear that none of them were true or even likely. It didn’t stop the rumor mill from spreading – but all anybody knew was that something _had_ happened.

 

It’s one thing to speculate about what happened when it happened to a stranger. It was very different when what happened happened to your best friend, and she refuses to talk about it.

Lily, in all ways, was back to her social butterfly ways, but she simply wouldn’t discuss what had happened with the Marauders, and Mary was _extremely frustrated_. She’d asked, again and again, why the Marauders had stopped talking to them, _what was going on for fuck’s sake_ , and again and again there was nothing.

Mary, who thrived on gossip, felt as though the world was ending. She wanted to _know_ , and so she turned to a source she swore she’d never turn to again.

That is, of course, Sirius Black, her ex-regular-snog-and-worst-date-ever.

Sirius turned out to be a difficult man to find. He was, seemingly, constantly scheming somewhere with his friends, which would not do. Not for this conversation.

She finally pulled him aside after Potions one day. “C’mon, Black,” she said. “I need to talk to you.”

Sirius frowned but put up no excessive resistance. “What’s this about, McDonald?” he asked dryly, letting himself be led through Hogwarts’ many corridors to that very empty classroom which seemed to always be bare.

“What, hurrying to get back to your friends?” she asked, setting him down in one of the chairs. She sat on a desk beside him, dropping her books to her left. They hit the floor with a loud, echoing bang, and she saw Sirius flinch.

“Yeah,” he said eventually. “That’s essentially it. So, mind telling me why I’m here?”

Mary found a piece of torn parchment in her robes and began playing with it. “Mind telling me why nobody seems to be on speaking terms with Lily anymore?” she asked, not looking up. She knew exactly what she’d see. He was going to lie to her, and she just wanted –

“Please don’t lie,” she said. “I’m so sick of not knowing what I’m supposed to be doing.”

Sirius told her, and Mary frowned.

“But didn’t he _want_ her to kiss him? He’s been waiting for this practically since they met!”

“Not like that, McDonald,” Sirius said. “You think this is some silly crush? Do you really think he wanted her to – to not actually _want_ him?”

Mary thought of everything she knew about James. She thought about the king of the rumor mill, the supposed walking Quidditch-prodigy-slash-sex-god, hardly ever seen with any woman. She thought of the bit of knowledge she’d gained from being the friend of his friends. She thought about it, and she said: “No, he wouldn’t. Doesn’t explain you, though.”

“Yes, it does,” Sirius said. “Can I go now?”

“You won’t get away that easy,” Mary said. She stood and crossed her arms, as if blocking his path to the exit (despite the fact that he could very easily walk around him, which she chose to ignore. It was symbolic anyway). “Explain.”

“When Meadowes hurt you and Lily, who was the most insulted?” asked Sirius.

“Marlene,” said Mary, slowly understanding. “But – “

“But, what? Meadowes was being a fucking racist, and all three of you stopped talking to her for almost a year. Lily wasn’t even in the same situation – she wasn’t pressured by anybody; she _chose this_. Do you understand? She _chose_ to hurt my best friend. This isn’t some stupid vengeance thing. This is a principle. This is – I mean, she was a mess, and she needed somebody else to feel the way she did. And James happened to _be_ there. That’s why she did it to him. If I had been there – she would’ve said something just as hurtful. Disguised as some fucking gift. She probably wasn’t even surprised I had stopped talking to her once he – “ He stopped suddenly, seeming to have run out of words.

Mary waited a moment, to see if he had any more anger left. “Did it feel good to let it out? Because – “ deep breath – “because I know I wish I’d said something for Dorcas, that day. But I didn’t.”

“I – “

“It’s okay, Sirius,” Mary said, “I get it if you choose to stay away from her for a while, or even not to talk to Lily ever again. But – there was once a time I thought it was all an act. That she didn’t care about anybody, and that she only pretended to care for her own popularity’s sake. After all, that’s what I did. But the both of us know that it’s not. It’s never been. She’s the most genuine person in Hogwarts, and she made a mistake out of grief. I mean – and I know this is a sore spot, but she’s been betrayed by her best friend before, and I know she probably doesn’t even think this is true, but she misses him. And then she had you, and that made it easier. And now she just has us again and – “ She shook her head. “She misses you too. I can tell. None of us can just go back to fifth year again. It doesn’t _work_ like that. I’m not talking to Tally. Dorcas is out of the closet. Marlene had _sex_ with James. And Lily – Lily’s changed. We’ve all changed. Maybe it’s just the natural progression of things, us no longer being fifteen, but to be honest – it’s also because we became one big group, instead of two smaller ones. And it’s going to be impossible to reverse that.”

“Mary – “

“Just think about it,” she said. “Just… think about it.”

 

Sirius thought about it. Sirius thought of pretty much nothing else for the next two weeks. But still, he’d done nothing. Halloween wasn’t all too far away, and the Marauders were preoccupied with plans for the after-party.

They were, in fact, walking in the second floor discussing it, when it happened.

It wasn’t even all that abnormal. Snape showed up around the corner; there was nobody else in sight. Snape said something awful, James said something prideful, Remus whispered some new spell in Sirius’ ear, but James beat him to the punch. Sirius couldn’t remember, later, what it was that set James off, only that Snape was suddenly in the air, and behind him a familiar voice screamed, “No!”

The next few moments, however, Sirius remembered clearer than anything else in his life.

James, as pale as ghost; Remus, looking deeply ashamed; Peter, squeaking and hiding behind Sirius; Lily, crying out: “I can’t believe I almost kissed you!” and running in the direction she came from; the disgust on Snape’s face at that statement; the pointed look James gave him, the way Sirius could tell the moment he decided to give up.

Snape was dropped.

James walked away, in the opposite direction from Lily.

Sirius ran after Lily.

 

Sirius came back with Lily, both hugging and sobbing.

                                     

But they would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy. Looking back at this. Hm. It's been over a year since I wrote it, possibly more. It's alright, I guess. I remember struggling to write it because it was important to me that Lily make a mistake this big, but I didn't want to turn her into a character nobody could sympathize with. Hopefully I was successful? Please, please tell me I was successful. I love Lily so much, and I just killed her dad off, mostly because he had to be dead by the time Lily and James got married, and not really for any other reason. Now, I'm not even going to get them to get married - this fic ends sometime in February 1978, unless something goes horribly, horrible wrong - but we know that James' parents die basically of old age, while there's no real reason for Lily's parents to not be able to take Harry in. So... cancer. Yay!  
> I sat down to write the ending to the latest chapter, chapter 35, and I realized... it was finished. I don't know why I felt the need to drag it out for about a month too long. Which meant I could go back and publish chapter 32. Which is nice, but there's probably not going to be another chapter for a while. I'm working on a script! For a podcast! I'm doing camp nanowrimo, and I'm really excited for it. It's going to be a long while before my podcast is up in a way you can listen to it - for one, because the script isn't anywhere near done, and also, I want to have it done completely before I publish it, because if there's anything I've learned from this, you can definitely go through a long period of time where depression says: hey, dude. Guess what. That feeling of wanting to write? the next time you're going to feel it is in about 11 months. Good luck.  
> So yeah, fuck you, depression. I'm writing every day in July anyway.  
> As always, you can send me an ask at my tumblrs - either my mainblog, sheisawonder, or my sideblog, queerastronauts - and I read every single comment you leave, so PLEASE, keep leaving them. The amount of support I received on the ff.net version of this story was... sometimes, the only reason I kept writing this at all.  
> I love you.  
> JustGail


	35. Of Drunken, Unspoken Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Far: James and Lily are both Heads. Lily tried to kiss James, but he rejected her. Sirius and Lily made up again. Marlene and Dorcas shared a steamy kiss last year but haven’t talked about it since, even after Dorcas came out as a lesbian.  
>  

__

Chapter 33

_Or_

Of Drunken, Unspoken Apologies

 

This was, perhaps, a bit bizarre, but if one only ever saw James Potter and Lily Evans during prefect meetings, you would not be able to tell there was a quarrel. Indeed, as Heads, they functions much the same before and after their fight, perfectly professional, communicating amicably. In fact, one might think that it was Remus Lupin who’d fought with Lily Evans, as he, in increasingly obvious ways during the week preceding Halloween, was quite rude to her.

Most people, however, saw the aforementioned students in many places, and so knew that James wasn’t on speaking terms with Lily either, and yet, undeniably, they were functioning remarkably well as Heads. At this point, it was no longer gossip, but it was definitely weird, something to raise an eyebrow at – and then move on to much more interesting things.

More interesting things such as, for example, Halloween. More importantly, the Marauders’ after party.

It was going to be big this year. Slughorn was throwing a party as well, and so the Marauders set out to outdo him in every way. They were going brighter, flashier, younger. True, if one wanted to meet a government official, they could go to Slughorn’s party – those who were invited, that is – but those who wanted to have a good time knew that the better option was the dungeon being secretly prepared during the entire week before the night in question.

Secrecy is perhaps an exaggeration. Several students were willing to swear Flitwick was among the decorators. Others saw Sirius and James confer with McGonagall as to how loud the music was permitted to be. One student swore very adamantly that Dumbledore was planning on making an appearance.

Somehow Slughorn managed to hear none of this, and had, in the meantime, enlisted other students to help organize his own party. It was going to be a night, indeed: a feast and two separate parties. Mary, for one, was excited; she hadn’t been invited to Slughorn’s party, and so didn’t have to face the decision Dorcas and Lily did as top Potions students. That was, she was excited until she heard Lily say that she wasn’t sure she was going to either party.

“ _WHAT_?”

The five of them – Lily, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas and Dan – were sitting in the Great Hall eating their breakfast. Dan wasn’t really speaking to them, at least not with Cam around, but as Cameron was nowhere to be seen he’d joined them, just as the conversation turned to the parties that night.

“I just… haven’t been in the mood for socializing. It hasn’t been a very good year so far, if we’ll be honest,” Lily said. “And I was going to catch up on some homework in the library. I got extensions while I was – well, you know. But the deadlines are all coming up again now and I just – “

“I cannot believe this,” Mary said. “Dorcas, tell her.”

“She’s right, actually,” Dorcas said without looking up from the butter plate. “Lily, I mean. She’s basically drowning in work.”

Mary huffed in indignation. “I cannot believe – Marlene, tell her!”

“I honestly don’t care, Mary,” Marlene said. “Let Lily behave the way she wants to behave. That’s what she’ll do anyway.”

“See? I’m too stubborn for you change my mind,” Lily said. “Pass the sugar, will you?”

Just then Sirius passed by and plopped down in the seat next to Lily. “Hey! What are we talking about?” he asked as he nabbed a peace of French toast straight off Lily’s plate.

“We’re trying to convince Lily to go to the parties tonight,” Mary said.

“ _Mary_ is trying to convince Lily to go to the parties tonight,” corrected Dan. “The rest of us were just eating. Hey, Sarah.” A fourth year paused by him, blushing profusely. “Want to join us?”

She nodded, throwing her scarf back and sitting down slightly clumsily.

In the meantime, Sirius looked at Lily, appalled.

“You’re not coming to our party?” He hit his chest with both hands one after the other. “I’m hurt, _wounded_ , Lily.”

“She’s not coming to _either_ party, Sirius,” Mary said. “In fact, she’s planning on doing _homework_.”

Sarah giggled at something Dan said. Mary found this to be extremely annoying. Couldn’t she go crush on him somewhere else?

“HOMEWORK? That is _not_ allowed on Halloween, Evans! What are you _thinking_?” He stole yet another piece of sugared French toast.

“That I don’t want to fail out of Hogwarts,” Lily said calmly. When Sirius reached for another piece, she slapped his hand and fork away. “And stop stealing my food!”

“Good luck with that, he even steals out of my private stock in our room,” Dan said. Sarah looked appalled.

“And you just let him do it?” she whispered.

Dan shrugged. “It’s just food.”

Mary fumed. “I cannot believe you’re going to miss out on – on – “ She let out a yell of frustration.

Lily’s eyes widened with shock. “Mary, I didn’t know this was that important – “

Just as quickly as she heated up, Mary calmed down. What was coming over her? “No, it’s fine, it’s fine – I just – this is our last year and we’ve spent it so far the same way as last year. Fighting, and _not having fun_.”

Lily stared Mary down to the point where Mary felt slightly uncomfortable. Then she said: “Ugh, fine. I’ll come to the second party. BUT, I will not go to Slughorn’s party.”

“Oh no,” Dorcas said, finally deigning to look up. “If you’re going to anything, you’re not abandoning me to deal with those arseholes alone. We’re going to be co-sucking up to all the Ministry officials as a couple.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Why do I hang out with you guys again?”

“It’s our charm,” Marlene said.

Sirius wrapped an arm around Lily and squeezed her. “Not to mention our incredibly good looks.”

“Sirius, are you seriously using this hug as an opportunity to steal more of my food?”

“Why yes, yes I am.”

 

“I will be so glad when I can just order people around instead of sucking up to them,” Dorcas said to Lily as they made their escape from Slughorn’s party. “Imagine: Dorcas Meadowes, Head Auror, never bowing to anyone ever again.”

“Except for the Minister for Magic,” Lily said, taking a sharp left turn. It was almost ten and they promised they’d be at the party by that hour.

Dorcas huffed, but Lily couldn’t tell if it was because of the running or her attitude. “As if the Minister isn’t bound to everything the Head Auror does. His approval is practically a formality.”

“This doesn’t sound like a properly balanced government,” Lily said. They were only one staircase away from the proper floor.

“That sounds like the way the Wizarding World works,” Dorcas said.

They halted before the suit of armor carefully placed before the corridor leading to the dungeon dungeon and said “bauble” in unison. As the suit of armor moved to let the two enter the party, Lily turned to Dorcas and said, “We will continue this discussion later. For now, we do the minimal amount of casual drinking and then we sneak off to my room and we complete that Potions essay together at the very least. Deal?”

“Deal.”

In they went. As they walked into the corridor they could hear the music getting louder, becoming deafening as soon as they entered the large room; Lily was shocked that they hadn’t heard it when standing just outside the corridor. “Must be some sound-proofing spell,” she told her companion, but when she turned, Dorcas was already gone.

”Where in the hell…”

“Lily! You made it!” Mary screamed, hugging her. A familiar looking Hufflepuff was standing behind her, not particularly note-worthy besides his familiarity and shock of red hair. When she pulled back, she grabbed his hand. “Where’s Dorcas?”

Lily tried speaking, but judging by Mary’s expression, she couldn’t hear her. She leaned closer to her ear. “She’s around!” she screamed. “Who’s the Hufflepuff?”

“Who? Reg?” she yelled, sounding surprised. “He’s just some guy I hook up with sometimes! Speaking of which – “

Mary, followed closely by “Reg” and Lily, led them to one of the several drink tables, covered with all kinds of Wizard and Muggle drinks. Lily was handed one straight away, what looked like a shot of Whiskey, but didn’t drink it.

“I’m going to look for Sirius!” Lily yelled. “See you around.”

Sirius proved to be easy to find, as he was by the fireplace – a fireplace Lily couldn’t remember being in this dungeon previously – surrounded by dozens of cries encouraging him to _Drink! Drink! Drink!_ Lily made her way through the thick crowd only to find that Sirius was sitting on one James Potter’s lap; she briefly questioned her decision to be friends with Sirius.

“Heyyyyyyy, Evans!” Sirius cried, slurring the end of the ‘hey’ so it was far too long for a word with one vowel. “You made it!”

 _Why is everybody surprised?_ Lily wondered. She shook her head and said, “Yeah, I’m here. Happy? Going to go upstairs now.”

“Oh, c’mooooon!” Sirius said, once again elongating his vowels. “Have a drink with me!”

Lily glanced at James. Even though he still had Sirius on his lap, he seemed to be chatting up a blonde Ravenclaw. She hesitated, but then shook her head.

He got off James and stood, slightly shaking but eventually steadying himself. “One drink, Lily. Aren’t I right, guys?” All the kids surrounding them roared in agreement, and suddenly Lily remembered she still had a shot in her hand, so she drank it.

The outcry was so loud it was deafening, but it was full of approval.

Sirius grinned and handed her another drink. “Come on,” he said. “Let loose, just this once.”

 

“Where are you going, Marlene?”

As soon as she’d entered the party, Marlene had found her. Dorcas, unable to resist, had let her lead her anywhere she wanted: first it was one of the many tables with drinks, then it was to a group playing truth or dare, but before either of them were asked, Marlene grabbed Dorcas’ hand again and, this time, led her outside.

“We’re going to get caught,” she muttered to herself.

“No, we’re not,” Marlene said, behind her. “Just, be quiet.”

So Dorcas was quiet, quiet and bubbly and ecstatic, until they reached the woods. And then they entered the Forbidden Forest, and excitement was added as well. She had always obeyed the rules – up until now. This was _her_ year – she was out, out, out – out of the closet, out of her dormitory, out in the Forbidden Forest, out with Marlene –

In the moonlight, Marlene was so beautiful, her blonde hair gaining a silvery shade. She looked like she was a star, herself; Dorcas wanted to kiss her so bad it was like a heartache – like her heart physically ached.

“Come on, Dorcas,” Marlene said, giggling as though not only drunk with alcohol, but on the cool autumn air and the smell of mist and trees. “The shadows are as pretty as the moonlight if you look hard enough.”

And so she stepped inside the cover of the trees, holding Marlene’s hand, following blindly. She stopped abruptly and Dorcas ran straight into Marlene; when Marlene turned around, she was so close she could smell nothing but her perfume, focus on nothing but the mischievous glint in her eyes. Behind Marlene was a clearing; open and lit as brightly as a sun-soaked garden. But Dorcas couldn’t concentrate on it, instead staring intently at Marlene’s lips. She was leaning in closer, closer –

There was a noise. Marlene spooked, pulled Dorcas back into the woods; in the clearing, Dorcas saw what made the noise. It was a Slytherin, and he was pocketing a little glinting object – was that a vial? – into his pocket.

“What the fuck?” Dorcas whispered.

“We gotta get back,” Marlene said.

And even though she knew the mood was lost, Dorcas’ heart dropped to the ground, straight from Marlene’s hands.

 

It was about three hours after she arrived at the party when she left, staggering to Gryffindor Tower, holding onto Sirius as she went. She let go of Sirius, insistent that she could reach her room by herself; which she did, even though when she finally reached her bathroom she immediately crashed on the floor, vomiting. It was only a few moments later when she heard a noise. “Who-who’s there?” she said feebly.

“The fuck – “ Steps, then the door opened. The light turned on suddenly, revealing James’s face. “Evans, what are you doing in my bathroom?”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, looking around, fuzzily registering the unfamiliar junk – and then she realized. “Shit, this _is_ your bathroom, James. Whoops.” She tried to stand, but fell back down, vomiting again; James cursed, disappeared, and came back with a mug and his wand.

“Aguamenti,” he said. He handed the now full cup to her, and she took a hesitant sip.

“Thanks.” Her voice was hoarse, her throat aching. “I’m not sure what came over me.”

James didn’t reply for a good long while, and Lily had lost her train of thought by the time he did, but: “Sirius.”

“Huh?” Lily said.

“Sirius is what came over you,” James said. “He really wanted to get you drunk for – for whatever reason.”

“Nah, no way,” Lily dismissed, leaning on her back. “He was so _nice_. He followed me up to the Tower and directed me up here and _everything_.”

“So – he directed you to the _wrong room_? That is just – I’m going to murder him.”

“Could you at least get me another cup of that orange juice on the way back?” Lily asked. “It was – it was _so_ delicious.”

“Yeah, sure,” James said. “Wait, what? What orange juice? You drank from the orange juice?”

“It was taste-ee,” Lily said, giggling. Then she turned right back over and vomited again. James kneeled by her, grabbing her hair so it’ll be out of the way; he smelled of roses. Stank of it. Lily hated roses, and it just made her vomit more.

“He’s _so_ going to die,” James muttered.

Lily took a deep breath and took the glass of water he offered to her. It tasted like her own stomach acid, but she was very thirsty and gulped it all down in just a moment.

“He means well,” she said. She leaned back, placing the glass on the floor next to her, enjoying its cool temperature. She closed her eyes, and everything – including James – was quiet…

She woke up to a wet towel touching her face. “James!” she cried, or more accurately, croaked; he laughed, but didn’t pull away. He was so close, still stinking of roses.

“Whose perfume is that?” she asked.

She just had to ruin it.

His hand left her forehead, but surprisingly enough, he sat down to her left. She could feel his body warmth radiating towards her, and it was ridiculously comforting and familiar.

“Allison Reynolds, from Ravenclaw,” he said. “We kissed, but she was too drunk, and I came up here. Though… I’m not quite sure why you care.”

“Pshhh,” Lily said, shaking her head. “I _don’t_ care. I just hate roses.”

Pause. And then, in a small voice:

“Nah, I’m lyin’. I care.”

She knew, even without looking, that James was smirking. She could hear it in his voice when he said: “Oh, really?”

“Well, yeah,” Lily said. “Up until recently, you were my friend.”

“Was I?”

“Fuck you,” Lily said, heating up. “Of course you were. You were – you were _amazing_. And you know, I went and ruined it. I ruin most things though, so you know, I’m a ruiner! I’m used to it.”

James raised an eyebrow. “You? A ruiner?”

“Yeah.”

“What have _you_ ever ruined?”

“Well, us, for one.”

“There was never an _us_ , _Evans_.”

“Oh, you know _exactly_ what I mean, don’t be a tease.”

“I shall tease you if I like, Evans.”

“Fine, _Potter_.”

They both burst out laughing at that, and it reached everywhere – her toes were shaking, her stomach hurt, her cheek-muscles tensed. She didn’t care, though, and kept laughing maniacally until she couldn’t breathe, and even then it took her far too long to stop.

It was quiet then, again, for a moment, and Lily couldn’t stare at the tiles anymore. She looked at James, instead: his eyes were closed, and he was obviously exhausted; his clothes were rumpled, the bottom of his robes stained with a substance that smelled a lot like the stench of alcohol; his hair, as carefully ruffled as it usually is, unruly and unfathomably handsome.

“I’m sorry, you know,” Lily whispered. “For what I did.”

Without opening his eyes, he grabbed her hand. His hand was burning up in comparison with her icy skin; she smiled when his eyes finally fluttered open and met hers. “I know,” he said, his voice even. “I know.” And then, sharp: “Can you stand?”

She nodded. “I think so.”

“Then come on, I’ll get you to your room.”

“But - you can’t come up to the girls dormitories,” Lily said.

James snorted. “Sure. Keep telling yourself that.”

James picked her up, and as she drifted to sleep in his arms, it occurred to her that she had never felt anything quite as sturdy and dependable as his grip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end! I can finally say with certainty that the last chapter will be chapter 37, with an additional epilogue. This has been a great journey. The last three and a half years have been insane. But everything must come to an end.  
> In order to encourage myself to finally finish writing the last two chapters, I'll be posting a chapter every two weeks until we get to D day. See you on the other side.  
> Love,  
> JustGail


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